Menu

More apps built by Reedsy

Assemble a team of professionals

The writing app for authors

Writing courses, events and memberships

Get your book reviewed

Weekly writing prompts and contests

Menu
Prompts
Contests
Stories
Blog

James Offenhartz

Author on Reedsy Prompts since Aug, 2023

Stories
Comments
Library
5 Followers
17 Following

139 Stories

66 karma pts

?

Cuban Coffee Music

I hate business meetings, but who likes them really?  As the government official I have to attend them and my job is to de-escalate,  not escalate in this scenario.  Unless they harm in my physical body in which case I carry a fire arm and am trying to use it.      Go in with smiles on our faces as usual, to deescalate.   Maybe it’ll work and maybe it won’t.   Nobody ever died from a smile though.   But as we go in, we hear this weird buz...

0 likes 0 comments 0
Read story

Restorative Sleep

Tick tock, tick, tock.  An ostinato, right?   It’s boring and it’s still not putting me to sleep.   I’ve had this since birth, and I don’t mean the clock.   I’ve done research on it since I’m smart.   It was not immense or anything, but I’m smarter than …Yogi Bear.  I could tell you the facts and fiction of insomnia.   It is true that reading has a soporific affect.   According to “Gemini”:   “Eye Strain & Muscle F...

0 likes 0 comments 0
Read story

BFE

There’s always something to do in a gas station even a 24 hour gas station in butt fuck Egypt.   Trust me the manager always make sure there’s something to do.   Never complain you’re bored.  If you do you wish you were bored again in about five minutes.   It’s not Mr. Scrooge. He’s the general manager. He thinks she’s making money when nobody comes in from 12 AM to 5 AM at a 24 hour. Gas station is beyond me. The only one that would come here anywhere at 2 AM with somebody trying to rob...

1 like 0 comments 0
Read story

Cop

Tick tick tick.  It’s just missing a tock It would be perfect for Clock right?   Cop humor.  Remember, every ticket is one second unless we have.  We are prepared as always, so we get out the flame freezer.  Think of it like a reverse microwave.   But is instead of making ice cream out of cream and ice it freezes bombs.   Reading this you might think I’m bombing (stand-up humor) but I played freeze enough an improv to know that that won’t help us every day c...

0 likes 0 comments 0
Read story

Weird

 This doesn’t make sense.  What is it?   I’m not even sure. Describe it. Imagine the color not color wheel, but I was the first person to ever see besides my grandmother who had it in a trunk not a car but an old trunk.  People kept things they closed and knickknacks.       My job is readers to describe things so let’s go back to the basics.  It’s  translucence.   It’s a little like smoke, but not smoke and the color is different tha...

0 likes 0 comments 0
Read story

Everything

You’re an idiot.   That’s what you want?   You’ll be bored out of your mind.   I could understand something like when you get married or have kids or win the lottery or something like that but this is a crazy wish.   Before I print it I want you to stop and think about it if you enjoy learning, I have nothing else to learn ever.   Imagine knowing every single bad thing that was going to happen before it happened and not being able to do anything to change it. &nb...

1 like 0 comments 0
Read story

Regular

Whenever the door closes a window opens, but I don’t see any windows except the one on my computer, which is not what I need.  The door is closed.  You can’t put the cat back in the bag. It’s over I signed my life away and it isn’t a metaphor.   Someone wants to ask me do I know what it’s like to be worth more dead than alive at the time of the answer was no no I’m not so sure.   My teacher was talking about life insurance, but I’m talking about something else which is life.   ...

1 like 0 comments 0
Read story

The only good thing

I’m in the psych ward, again. This time it’s four different reason. I was baker acted. That means I’m not allowed to let myself out. I’m a prisoner, but with more constructions. Remember “Catch 22” by Joseph Heller. Fish out of water. I’m a same person in an insane world, literally. It took away my shoelaces, and I have difficulty tying my shoes let alone relacing them. They use one kind of soap for everything the stuff we brush our teeth with, the stuff we put in the washing machine, the stuff we use in the shower an...

0 likes 0 comments 0
Read story

Fucking Firepeople

I hate you people. I think the wood would be better if all of you were burned up in the fires that you try to prevent and help your total waste of tax dollars and I don’t wanna work with you, but I have to as my supervisor says I have to and if I don’t, I’ll be fired I need this job to pay my bills and feed my family. The quicker this is Dunn. Happier everyone will be including you. not that I give a shit about your happiness. Hell, I hope ice comes and blows up your house with you and your spouse and kids inside and that there’s no memori...

1 like 0 comments 0
Read story

Goat

No one will believe you look at you look in the mirror. Look at your record. You have a severe disability, a criminal record and no references, whereas I have references and the record. So it’s no-brainer who do you think they’re gonna listen to me or you? Me of course think about it like poker and poker. You need to tell the truth a few times so people don’t know when you’re gonna Bluff and I’ll think you have a good hand and you have a bad hand and they’ll fold the difference between me and you as I have a future the good news for your is ...

0 likes 0 comments 0
Read story

Brelunners

Two days five hours three minutes and 25 seconds is not enough time and every second is one second less. Dammit, they same men artist in touch with their emotions as women, but women are more aggressive and smash rooms. What’s my gender? That’s the least of my worries right now if I don’t find or get that amount of money in two days five hours, etc.. I’m on the street. Right now I’m eating brelunners. Maybe you’ve never heard of brelunners. It’s what broke people eat and maybe you’ve never been broke even even if you have been broke ma...

0 likes 0 comments 0
Read story

Chitterings

Every day it’s the same thing: overcooked, chicken, overcooked beef, occasionally overcooked ham. “Variety is the spice of life”. (William Cooper). So I wanna make something different. Something I’ve never had before and nobody hears ever had before. Something that is the antithesis of boring. Real food with salt, pepper, and other spices that isn’t regulated by our stupid state. But we need to make sure the clients are healthy and have fully cooked food. That’s safe good let the state eat it; then we don’t have to. If the state ate...

0 likes 0 comments 0
Read story

Synonymous

Summer was over and so were we. Motherfucker, we’re going back but we don’t want to we like Summerland everyone who visits love Summerland and he wants to go back to earth? Though my theoretical standpoint, Summerland is earth. It’s a different earth or a different vibration earth let me go back. NASA the national aeronautic space Association have been looking for alien life since it was formed you thought the idea of NASA was to go to Mars and other nations, but the real purpose is to find alien life forms on other planets, but the alie...

0 likes 0 comments 0
Read story

Schedule

This is why you are experiencing anxiety: look at the schedule this doesn’t make any sense. They’re only 24 hours in a day and you need to sleep for eight of them no not 58 this is why you’re experiencing anxiety. You’re not getting enough sleep because your schedule is crazy and the only one is putting all this pressure I need to get these things done. Is you so do the square breathing the way that we taught yo, take down time the way that we’ve been telling you and take stuff off the list. You’ve told us about the Benjamin Frank...

1 like 0 comments 0
Read story

What everybody wants

I want what everybody wants: a family. Don’t worry about my age. That’s not important; even though that’s the first thing everybody asked about me. To me it’s not important to risk care about skin color then you probably shouldn’t adopt me. Yes I’m talking to you. Maybe haven’t thought about adoption. It’s expensive you think only your pets expensive. It’s nothing compared to adopting a kid. Maybe that’s why nobody’s adopted me. Maybe I’m too old. Everybody wants a cute baby. That’s healthy and big. I’m not a baby anymore so my foster ...

0 likes 0 comments 0
Read story