Menu

More apps built by Reedsy

Assemble a team of professionals

The writing app for authors

Writing courses, events and memberships

Get your book reviewed

Weekly writing prompts and contests

Menu
Prompts
Contests
Stories
Blog

James Offenhartz

Author on Reedsy Prompts since Aug, 2023

Stories
Comments
Library
7 Followers
17 Following

148 Stories

111 karma pts

?

Sorry

Because I didn’t know it would lead to this. Do you think that if I knew it would lead up to this, I would have. . . Wait a minute, I’m fucking this up again, aren’t I? Of course I am. I’m sorry. If I’d have known it would lead up to this, I wouldn’t have done this. I’m sorry. I’m sorry I did this. I’m sorry it separated us, I’m sorry it made you have to live with your parents and I’m sorry your parents are abusive. I’m sorry you had to donate almost everything you owned and live in a long term hotel. I’m sorry it caused you ...

0 likes 0 comments 0
Read story

Oxy

Everybody wants that. Everybody prays for that but almost nobody ever gets it. It’s a pipe dream. It’s michigas. It’s bullshit. You know where they get all this money? They get it from morons like you who order shit from their catalogs and buys their stupid lotto tickets. Hey, Sierra. What are the chances of winning the goddamn Mega Millions? It said “one out of 302,575,350. In other words there ain’t a shot in hell you’re going to win. The best way to get money is to get a job and NOT buy lotto tickets, cigarettes, or scams. ...

1 like 0 comments 0
Read story

Fuck

What? You idiot. Why write a story where we get sick? Why not write a story where we win the Publisher’s Clearance House or the goddamn lottery. That’s the stories you should be writing, not shit about viruses. Why the fuck would we want to get viruses or bacteria or anything that makes us sick? Idiot. Maybe you need me to write the outline? Then, you could write it, right? Subconscious automatic writing? Tell your subconscious to go fuck itself. Better yet, tell your subconscious I’ll fuck you when you write the story of ...

1 like 0 comments 0
Read story

IQ

I’m going to the middle of fucking nowhere to meet some moron genius who I’ve never met before. That’s what it’s like being a journalist. It sucks. Oh, yeah. Travel the world, experience new unknown lands and cover catastrophes. Fun, fun, fun. Should’ve been a gynecologist or a golfer. Golfers travel to fun places and get to party if they win. I just get padded down at all the fucking aeroports and have to worry about being arrested by foreign nations. Oh, but the ratings. Gotta have great ratings or else the shows cancell...

2 likes 0 comments 0
Read story

HB428

My fellow classmates. Today I’m going to be making the persuasive speech about Ohio House Bill 428. This House Bill is long and, in my opinion, ridiculous. This House Bill states that a stripper has to be at least four feet away from any customer, must have at least 4 articles of clothing, there can be no holes in the wall where pornography is shown, and a lot of other bullshit that would put the adult entertainment industry out of business. But, it would have to pass congress and be signed by the governor of Ohio. This is grade A ...

0 likes 0 comments 0
Read story

Solutions

I want everyone to love me, but nobody does. It seems natural; to want love. Every kid wants to love and to be loved. Its natural. Maybe others are like me. Wanting to be loved. See, maybe when I grow up, I could start a club and call it, “The Love Club,” and I’d be the President of “The Love Club” and they’d do whatever I said ‘cause if they didn’t, I wouldn’t love them. Hell, I’d make them kill anyone who doesn’t love me or hug me in the club. Then, I’d be popular and everyone’d love me and no one would make fun of me or beat...

0 likes 0 comments 0
Read story

Conspirators

Nah, that’s all bullshit. There ain’t no gaps in no ozone. The extreme leftists made it up so we’d be dependent on foreign oil instead of drilling in the US. Bastards. Yea. It’s the hottest day of the year. Every time it’s hot, people think the ozone is gone. Every time it’s cold, they think the Earth’s going away from the sun. Sometimes it’s just the fucking weather people and it ain’t our fault. Morons. Yes, I know. According to the fucking meteorologists, it’s the hottest day ever recorded, but that don’t mean it’s ‘cause...

0 likes 0 comments 0
Read story

Thanks

Thank you journal? What the fucking hell good would that do? Oh, yeah. That’s gotta be the solution. You know as a CEO, I don’t have enough shit on my plate, let’s add more? How long have you beend a shrink? Sorry. Psychiatrist? And you still think a gratitude log would help me? What? A story? No, I don’t want a sthory, I want to stop feeling like shit. I want to stop having fucking fights with my family and friends and to be calm, happy, and at fucking peace. A gratitude log will give me that? So would a few more h...

1 like 0 comments 0
Read story

Weird

Wow. This is an interesting AANR event, almost surreal. Wait, maybe the reader doesn’t know what AANR is. It’s the American Association of Nude Recreation. But, this AANR is different, weird different. The rules are gone. Nobody’s using towels. And there’s an unspoken rule that people shouldn’t touch each other unless they’re related. But, people are touching, like crazy. It’s also unusual to have alcohol at these events and AANR sells food and soft drinks to make money. I look around. Unusual AANR things. Like the wind...

0 likes 0 comments 0
Read story

Oy

Is somebody going to say it? Come on? Anybody? Yes, I realize it’s a holy word, the one and only true name of G-d, but somebody’s got to say it eventually. Yes, I realize you can only say it in context, like the name of the Scottish Play by William Shakespeare. No, that word is unholy and should never be spoken, except in context of the play. Just like the word you won’t say of G-d, nobody says the name of the Scottish Play. I’m sure there are words in every language that aren’t supposed to be spoken. There are swear words in ...

1 like 0 comments 0
Read story

Skeptic

That doesn’t make sense. Can’t be. Someone’s playing a practical joke. There is no evidence of extraterrestrial life. It’s bullshit and a waste of tax dollars. Yes, I realize it was captured on an advanced digital camera, but I don’t believe in aliens. I’ve debunked all the bullshit tv shows. Alien saucers in the window are reflections of the chandelier in the window. Noises people hear are due to psychological disorders or some idiot forgetting his cell phone is still on. I’ve debunked all the bullshit and I’m telling you I’...

0 likes 0 comments 0
Read story

Geraldo

No shit Small brown dog enters from stage right and goes to front stage center. The dog (named Ralph) looks at the audience and waves his right paw. (Pause for audience response). Then, the tech person plays a recording of a small girl saying in a sad voice: Gloria: Geraldo. Come here, girl. Where are you? I got a yummy treat if you come to Mommy. Come here, Geraldo. (Gloria whistles a call to Geraldo. Geraldo lifts her ears. There’s a pregnant pause. Then Geraldo hides her face under her paws. She thinks. Then, st...

0 likes 0 comments 0
Read story

Free?

I feel like fucking Cinderella in her step-mother’s home. Who gives a shit about cleaning. This stupid company and motherfucking Uncle Sam do because “we want to keep the residents safe and dirty isn’t safe”. Bastards. They can come and make a surprise visit anytime they want and do a mandatory inspection for our safety. It’s bullshit. If I had my own home, nobody would bother me. Assholes. They need a clear pathway in case there’s a fucking fire. Forget that there ain’t never been no motherfucking fire in the fifty years thi...

0 likes 0 comments 0
Read story

The China Man Can

Nope. I don’t believe it. Everything was fine before I saw that China man, then he screwed up everything. No, I didn’t. That’s all bullshit. I never had a heart attack. If I’d had a heart attack, my left arm would have hurt. I would’a had angina. None of that happened. I was fine before the China man put me under and did God only knows what when I was on anesthesia. No, I don’t want to see my medical records. I’m telling you. He wrote in anything so he could get money from my insurance company. Now, I feel like shit. I’...

0 likes 0 comments 0
Read story

1 2 3 4

Because this is the only way you’ll learn. No, no buts. . . You’ve tried videos from the library, we’ve tried private lessons, we’ve tried everything else, but looks like I’ll have to teach you step by step, forget the pun. Crap. See, I’ve never been no good at dancing. I been told I got two left feet, told to stop stepping on the lady’s toes, I been told I ain’t got no sense of rhythm, I fall down on the floor (not break dancing), and dancing be something I ain’t never been no good at. People be staring at me, laughing, but I ain’t n...

0 likes 0 comments 0
Read story