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James Offenhartz

Author on Reedsy Prompts since Aug, 2023

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144 Stories

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HB428

My fellow classmates. Today I’m going to be making the persuasive speech about Ohio House Bill 428. This House Bill is long and, in my opinion, ridiculous. This House Bill states that a stripper has to be at least four feet away from any customer, must have at least 4 articles of clothing, there can be no holes in the wall where pornography is shown, and a lot of other bullshit that would put the adult entertainment industry out of business. But, it would have to pass congress and be signed by the governor of Ohio. This is grade A ...

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Solutions

I want everyone to love me, but nobody does. It seems natural; to want love. Every kid wants to love and to be loved. Its natural. Maybe others are like me. Wanting to be loved. See, maybe when I grow up, I could start a club and call it, “The Love Club,” and I’d be the President of “The Love Club” and they’d do whatever I said ‘cause if they didn’t, I wouldn’t love them. Hell, I’d make them kill anyone who doesn’t love me or hug me in the club. Then, I’d be popular and everyone’d love me and no one would make fun of me or beat...

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Conspirators

Nah, that’s all bullshit. There ain’t no gaps in no ozone. The extreme leftists made it up so we’d be dependent on foreign oil instead of drilling in the US. Bastards. Yea. It’s the hottest day of the year. Every time it’s hot, people think the ozone is gone. Every time it’s cold, they think the Earth’s going away from the sun. Sometimes it’s just the fucking weather people and it ain’t our fault. Morons. Yes, I know. According to the fucking meteorologists, it’s the hottest day ever recorded, but that don’t mean it’s ‘cause...

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Thanks

Thank you journal? What the fucking hell good would that do? Oh, yeah. That’s gotta be the solution. You know as a CEO, I don’t have enough shit on my plate, let’s add more? How long have you beend a shrink? Sorry. Psychiatrist? And you still think a gratitude log would help me? What? A story? No, I don’t want a sthory, I want to stop feeling like shit. I want to stop having fucking fights with my family and friends and to be calm, happy, and at fucking peace. A gratitude log will give me that? So would a few more h...

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Weird

Wow. This is an interesting AANR event, almost surreal. Wait, maybe the reader doesn’t know what AANR is. It’s the American Association of Nude Recreation. But, this AANR is different, weird different. The rules are gone. Nobody’s using towels. And there’s an unspoken rule that people shouldn’t touch each other unless they’re related. But, people are touching, like crazy. It’s also unusual to have alcohol at these events and AANR sells food and soft drinks to make money. I look around. Unusual AANR things. Like the wind...

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Oy

Is somebody going to say it? Come on? Anybody? Yes, I realize it’s a holy word, the one and only true name of G-d, but somebody’s got to say it eventually. Yes, I realize you can only say it in context, like the name of the Scottish Play by William Shakespeare. No, that word is unholy and should never be spoken, except in context of the play. Just like the word you won’t say of G-d, nobody says the name of the Scottish Play. I’m sure there are words in every language that aren’t supposed to be spoken. There are swear words in ...

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Skeptic

That doesn’t make sense. Can’t be. Someone’s playing a practical joke. There is no evidence of extraterrestrial life. It’s bullshit and a waste of tax dollars. Yes, I realize it was captured on an advanced digital camera, but I don’t believe in aliens. I’ve debunked all the bullshit tv shows. Alien saucers in the window are reflections of the chandelier in the window. Noises people hear are due to psychological disorders or some idiot forgetting his cell phone is still on. I’ve debunked all the bullshit and I’m telling you I’...

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Geraldo

No shit Small brown dog enters from stage right and goes to front stage center. The dog (named Ralph) looks at the audience and waves his right paw. (Pause for audience response). Then, the tech person plays a recording of a small girl saying in a sad voice: Gloria: Geraldo. Come here, girl. Where are you? I got a yummy treat if you come to Mommy. Come here, Geraldo. (Gloria whistles a call to Geraldo. Geraldo lifts her ears. There’s a pregnant pause. Then Geraldo hides her face under her paws. She thinks. Then, st...

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Free?

I feel like fucking Cinderella in her step-mother’s home. Who gives a shit about cleaning. This stupid company and motherfucking Uncle Sam do because “we want to keep the residents safe and dirty isn’t safe”. Bastards. They can come and make a surprise visit anytime they want and do a mandatory inspection for our safety. It’s bullshit. If I had my own home, nobody would bother me. Assholes. They need a clear pathway in case there’s a fucking fire. Forget that there ain’t never been no motherfucking fire in the fifty years thi...

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The China Man Can

Nope. I don’t believe it. Everything was fine before I saw that China man, then he screwed up everything. No, I didn’t. That’s all bullshit. I never had a heart attack. If I’d had a heart attack, my left arm would have hurt. I would’a had angina. None of that happened. I was fine before the China man put me under and did God only knows what when I was on anesthesia. No, I don’t want to see my medical records. I’m telling you. He wrote in anything so he could get money from my insurance company. Now, I feel like shit. I’...

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1 2 3 4

Because this is the only way you’ll learn. No, no buts. . . You’ve tried videos from the library, we’ve tried private lessons, we’ve tried everything else, but looks like I’ll have to teach you step by step, forget the pun. Crap. See, I’ve never been no good at dancing. I been told I got two left feet, told to stop stepping on the lady’s toes, I been told I ain’t got no sense of rhythm, I fall down on the floor (not break dancing), and dancing be something I ain’t never been no good at. People be staring at me, laughing, but I ain’t n...

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Unsex story

We get there. It’s nothing special, but we didn’t want special, we wanted something we could both afford. This motel room costs $120 a night, but it’s away from Atlanta and it’s away from where each of us live. I look around, her suitcase is on the suitcase rack and mine’s on the floor. I hear the toilet flush and hear her zipping her zipper and pulling up her pants. She comes out with a 3x X-files T-shirt and xl shorts. She’s Caucasian, not that matters to me. She has stretch marks on her legs, drooping nipples, no makeup on, ...

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Refills?

I’m from the tv show, “Cheaters.” My name is Bob with two O’s. You’ve never seen me on the show and I suppose technically I’m not a cast member, but I work all the time for “cheaters” and they pay me well. But I’m still not on the credits. See, I’m a P I, private investigator, and “Cheaters” hires me all the fucking time to find out who’s fucking whom and to send this tv show proof. But, this couple is weird. Well, I’ve never met the girlfriend, but I’m starting to follow this man who looks and smells like a bum; long, unkempt hai...

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Alcohol

I’m a bookworm, a bookaholic, I have a paper nose. I use my pick up lines at the library, not bars. I decided to start with the A authors in the fiction section. Fiction is alphabetized by authors’ last names. So, I start with Douglas Adams ‘ Hitchhiker’s trilogy, which is five books. My sixth grade teacher always told me to read the book before watching the movie(s). Then, as I’m sure you know, it gave “the meaning of life, the universe, and everything . . . 42”. That and drinking is a theme throughout these books. So, after t...

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IRS

“So, there are no more deductibles. The dividends aren’t big enough and we’re totally fucked. Damn it. Yes, I understand falsifying records would be a felony, but . . . I understand that. Well, is it possible to set up a structured settlement with the I R S? A lawyer? No, I don’t want an attorney. You’re a C P A, why can’t you fix it? Yes, I know there are back taxes, but I thought your results were guaranteed? Guaranteed accurate. . .and it is accurate. Yea, then why am I at risk of going to jail? Yes, I know you’re not an...

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