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James Offenhartz

Author on Reedsy Prompts since Aug, 2023

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7 Followers
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148 Stories

111 karma pts

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Juxtaposition

Wait, they’re there, right? No? Then I’m a medium? Not exactly. Mediumship is like pregnancy, you’re either a medium or you’re not. What if I’m in a cusp or on a cusp or something. Think about “Row, row, row your boat”. For all we know, Earth could be the dream and the dreams could be reality or they could both be real or both fake. You don’t know that. Yes, I am aware of my diagnosis, but this is different than the diagnosis, you don’t understand. See, you’ve heard of daydreaming? It’s like daydreaming, but it’s dreaming...

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The Universe, Aphasia.

Some idiot is in front of me with a sheet of paper that says . . . .Universal Aphasia. I’ve never heard of that. Hell, I didn’t even know Universes had names. I knew planets had names and in the Marvel Universe and for Ph D. students there are parallel universes, “buy does that mean I’m in a different Universe called Aphasia. Did Scotty, “Beam me, Up”. Maybe I’m dreaming or lucid dreaming or something. So, I ask this idiot to take me to his (her?) leader. They just shrug their shoulders, shake their head and point to the words, Univer...

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Clue of the Wooden Puppet

Clue of the wooden puppet Yes, I know it needs work. Ok, it needs a lot of work, but can you fix it? Yes, I’ve been working at this craft for over 30 years. I can fix it. Are there any specific concerns you have and what’s the deadline? Or is there a deadline? I need it within six months. Six months is doable. Other than aesthetics, are there any specifics you want to fix? Or, maybe I should say what would you like to have done to her? There’s mold I want cut off her and disposed of in the proper manner. Mold? I don’t see ...

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A window in Time.

“First time on an airplane or maybe you pronounce it, aeroplane, doesn’t matter. Welcome aboard. How’re you doing, today?” They think I be stupid, ‘cause I be young and don’t talk good. Say I’m LD, but don’t know what LD be. Think it be name for records they be putting on turntables, but I’m not no record. Sometimes Mommy says I be sounding like a record that be scratched or broken, but I don’t know what she be meaning by that. So, tell lady I be doing good. Me no like small talk. It be confusing. They say I’s gotta read be...

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Idiot Wish

This is the end of all racism or maybe all isms, right? Yeah, right. This won’t work in a billion years. Everyone’s going to hate you and not just the artists, animators, film makers, everybody. You’re an idiot But think of the Silverstein poem? That was made for kids, stupid kids. It’s not going to make everything right. It’s made everything wrong. And think about driving, flying, biking, playing any sport or watching any sport. How we gonna watch a Superbowl with no lights? Hell, How we gonna even watch TV without no ligh...

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Bbophbv

I’m an addict, but it’s hugs. I need hugs. But it’s more than that. See, there are all these different types of hugs. There’s the head-on hug, where two people walk or run towards each other and give each other a hug, and then sometimes they’ll let me hold on to them in the hug for thirty seconds or so and it feels like the antithesis of loneliness. Wonder if there’s a word for that in English. Thesaurus.com gave shitty antonyms for lonely like . . . I forgot ‘cause none of the antonyms were any good. Then, there’s the bear hug. T...

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Those Three Magic Words

“Remember, don’t say those three words or the name of the Scottish Play,” I said. “But, why? We’ve been dating for three months and I . . .” She said. “Don’t say it,” I said, “And you know why . . .The Spell”. “Thesbians are weird. There is no spell. Nothing’ll happen if I say . . .” she said. “Let’s talk about something else, please. How about those Eagles?” he said. “I’m not into sports and you know that,”. She said. “Okay, what subject do you want to talk about?” he asked. “I want to talk about why we can’t say I . . .” sh...

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Midnight Your in a Nation.

This room is unfamiliar. I don’t know how I got here. Where’s my mom, dad, Jill, or Airy. Airy’s the dog, but maybe you knew that. White walls. Doesn’t make sense. I’ve never had white walls. Always teal or light green. Never white. But, that’s not what I’m thinking about. I look at my wrist and my watch is missing. Someone at school stole my watch? Anyway, I’ll figure that out in a minute. Right now, I gotta pee, so I start rolling over, but something’s in the way. Goddamn it. So, I roll over to my left and something’s in...

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Psychic Meteorology.

Because I can or maybe it’s we can or I plural can. It’s hard to explain cause it’s easy. It’s so easy a dog could do it, but dogs can’t do it because dogs mirror humans and most humans can’t do it or, that’s wrong. Goddamn it, it’s easier to show you than explain it to you. Let’s try it a different way. You can see auras, right? You can’t. I thought everyone could see auras. Ok, well, feel by this table, can you feel that? Really? We’ll start by using divining rods. Ok? Go get your divining rods. You don’t? Who doesn’t have ...

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Milestones

I just don’t care anymore. I know I should care, but I don’t. No, wait, maybe that’s wrong. Or maybe it’s like a callus. The skin on our bodies that toughens with exercise or use. Like a drummer or a gymnasts’ hands. You know? When I was in the ALC, the first three times my friends died, I cried, but after 60 deaths of old people, I calloused, because if I didn’t, it would be like my heart going through a shredder. And that’s why I don’t get close. Don’t get close to anything or anyone. I’ll be robbed, they’ll die, it’ll be tak...

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Memes

This is impossible. No one could do this, ever. It’s impossible. Fuck! The news station says the inferno is coming closer. Why didn’t we vote for the goddamn water reservoir. That would have solved this. Dumbass tax breaks from Republican morons. Oh, no, let’s not spend money unnecessarily on fire safety in a place that has fires every fucking year? Why do that? The insurance companies fucked everyone over, including me, but I can only take one box to remember our lifetimes. Looking around, I remember things. Or the things ha...

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8

I’m useless? Don’t say that. There’s got to be something I’m useful for. As the expression goes, “Even a broken clock is right twice a day”. That’s outdated too? How do people tell time, then? Digital, on their phones and watches? Bet they still have analog watch faces. Iwatch. Yeah, I guess this is Iwatch or my watch as they’d say in my time. I is for apple? “What you talking about, Willis?” You don’t remember that show? Anyway, my friends be telling me Microsoft and IBM be putting Macs out of business any day now and th...

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Dement

Wait, who are you again. No, you’re not my daughter. Have you seen her though? You must be a friend of my daughter’s. I’m not signing no legal papers giving you nothing. No way. I ain’t stupid. What’s your name? It is? That’s also my daughter’s name. That’s weird. Maybe I’m asking for the wrong person. She got a job at a law firm a few weeks ago. You know my daughter passed the boards to become an attorney at law? She got in a great school, too. Soon, she’ll be married and have . . . You gonna come to her wedding if ...

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The Gift?

I have men’s intuition. Nobody’s heard of men’s intuition or maybe they have? Think of it like “Gibb’s gut” from NCIS on CBS. Something feels off. I’m a medium/psychic so I would know. It’s Christmas and it feels off. Kind of like gaydar, but not gaydar. It’s Christmas, I’m sober. Everything should be good. I’m home, got an alarm system, lights are on, but I have an inclination and every time I ignore my intuition, I regret it. But I don’t know what it’s trying to tell me. What good is intuition if I don’t know what it’s tr...

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Point Change

I keep seeing it, monotonously, but not monotonously. I can and can’t explain. Both, neither, like yes and no and maybe at the same time. Shrinks thinks it’s different things. One says Alzheimer’s/Dementia, another says PTSD, the third says insomnia, and I got Rxes from all of them and now I’m more confused. Just don’t send me back to the Looney Bin. There were only two things good about that place: 1). They had a bath (everyone fought over who got to have it each night) and 2). None of the women are allowed to wear bras, even sp...

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