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James Offenhartz

Author on Reedsy Prompts since Aug, 2023

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5 Followers
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126 Stories

61 karma pts

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Snow

Because I’ve never seen it before. Yes, I know it’s a pain in the . . . Look, I’m dead in a year, so you’re doing it and I’m doing it. I don’t want a video of it, I want to get out of Florida. Yes, I know everyone leaves the snow to come here and no one leaves here to go there, but I’m nobody anyway and I’m dead in a year so who cares what others think. Yes, I know I’ll need to make preparations. Yes, I know. I know I’ll need to dress in layers and need warm clothes. I can do research online. Ok. Coats, sweatshirts, thermal unde...

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Love

I love you, but you’re a son-of-a-bitch, not like the good son-of-a-bitch we had, like the reason people started calling other people a son-of-a-bitch. Fuck. All you had to do was nothing. How hard is that? Why is that hard? Sit on your ass and read a book, watch a movie, sleep. You know how many people would kill to be allowed to stay home and sleep all day? Billions. But you? No, you’re “too good for that”. You need to make something of yourself. You need to be remembered in the future. News flash asshole, you’re...

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Seeking Normal

We’re not in the movies, you’ve never seen us, you don’t know us, but you know we’re there. Like when you see something out of the corner of your eye, but you turn around and I’m not there. You tell yourself it’s your imagination, but you know it’s not, or … maybe the astrologists were right, but you don’t believe in astrology or psychics, or any of that bullshit. You believe in mentalism, numbers, science, so you stop and think. People who drink too often or under the influence of other drugs see things that aren’t there because… someth...

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I remember

I remember. I know I remember. My psychiatrist and I talked about it and that’s what happened. I know it’s what happened. I’ve gone over it in my head. I’ve done neurohypnosis, it’s a new thing. But under hypnosis, I found it out. I remember. I know this is what happened. But studies on memories . . . Scientists don’t always know what the fuck they’re talking about. On May 7, 1943 at 10:38 am, that’s when it happened and I’m going to go on the stand and testify under oath. I remember and those bastards are going to ja...

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Corset

You’re going to dress up as what? Good luck. Why the hell would you want to . . .? Nevermind. . . I don’t want to know. Go as whatever you want, so long as you don’t get arrested or use any drugs. Stay out of trouble; the last thing we need right now is to pay for an attorney. They could be anything in the entire world and they pick that. Why that? Why can’t my kids be normal. Probably got the one kids in the hood who won’t eat Kix cereal, right? Most kids be going as a dog, cat, a superhero, nop, mine picks some crazy...

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Burn

The worst thing in the world is unwanted help and unrequested presents with no receipts. Wouldn’t you feel better if we cleaned your apartment when you were gone? Then, you’d have a clear path and the fire department requires that you have a clear path. The fire department, huh? Well, then and the Department of Health. We’re required since this fucking facility, which I never asked to be in, has regulations mandated by the fucking state of Georgia, which I never asked for. “Liberty and Justice for all”; all except the damn disabled...

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Evolution

I don’t know. Maybe if I get in the shower with my clothes on I’ll know, unless it’s lucid. The EEG can’t tell me either, because if I’m in delta, it’s unreliable and if I’m in beta, I won’t know if it’s real or if I’m in delta. Unless I’m at a different vibration or color range or I’m still asleep, but, for the sake of simplicity, I’m going to say I’m awake, but take it take it with a grain of pepper; think that’s the expression. It’s not a Buddhist question, it’s a schizophrenic question: Am I awake. Which world is real and in which world ...

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Hypocrisy

Because if I buy a lottery ticket, win the Publisher’s Clearance House, or win these contests, I can appeal and get the fuck out of this shit hole and have money to do so and decide what I do with my own money. Wouldn’t that be great?! Why would I want to be saved? Isn’t it great? No credit card bills, my rent’s paid, my health care is covered, what else could I want? As the trite phrase goes, “The grass is always greener”. My cousins are all married, my friends are all married, and I’m not. My slave owner told me if I get married, I’d lose ...

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Fuck up

I don’t know how to fix this. You fucked up and are going to prison and that’s the least of your concerns. You fucked up. Let me rephrase that; you are a fuck up. You’re the reason why doctors created abortions. You’re used to this, the put downs, they’ve become second nature to you. And yes you fucked up again but maybe this time when you attempt suicide, it’ll work. Remember the play/book/movie, “Of Mice and Men,” when he kills Lennie, wish there was someone who’d do that for me because he’s right; I did fuck up and I am a fuc...

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Prize

What’s at stake? Everything. Like rolling three doubles in monopoly or picking a get out of jail free card. We’re not prisoners, but we may as well be. I don’t live in the United States, I live in Florida. Or a section of Florida that isn’t in the US. Well, it is, but it isn’t. Hell, anywhere I go in the US, is not in America. Must be ‘cause my shoes weren’t made in America, right? Something like that. None of the Amendments in the Constitution apply to me, unless I get on this new show on GSN, you know? The Game Show Networ...

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RGB

Everything’s fucked up and you don’t understand. You can’t see you or hear you? But you can see and hear you and you can see each other, but not all of each other. This doesn’t make sense. What? Are you “Mr. Cellophane” from Chicago? What the hell’s going on? 2 + 2 ‎ = . 1 + 3 = 4. 4 + 0 ‎ = . This is logical. Like if you see you, you can see yourself (unless there’s a hidden camera), and vice versa. Think about truck mirrors: “If you can’t see my mirror, I can’t see you”. What’s going on? You try something si...

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Wood

You’re out of “the woods”. But . . .but this is like my family. This is all I have; it’s everything. This was the one place I could be me. Now, now what do I do? Where do I go? Yes, I realize our teacher is dead, but we could teach each other. Yeah but the only way we can get experience is if we keep woodcarving. I could look on YouTube and we could stay together, like friends do or we could pick up something else. Yeah, well I don’t know anything but woodcarving either. We could look on meetup or maybe there are online class...

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The woman with the nuts

Oh boy, she’s back! She’s back! Yea and she has what I want. She thinks I understand what she’s saying. Think of it like universal aphasia. She doesn’t understand what I’m saying and I have no idea what she, or the man sitting next to her are saying but who cares? Some of them think animals can’t talk, but we can, just in a different way. Like imagine you’re going to CAR; Do you speak Sango. Do you, the reader, speak Sango? No? But if someone in Sango had something you wanted, like diamonds, you’d still try to get them t...

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Hell’s Cinderella

It isn’t that I don’t love them. I do love them, I’m just tired of seeing everyone else have everything I want. I’m like the Cinderella of Hell. “Always the bridesmaid, never the bride.” God curse the United States of America. Now, why would I say that? Well, as Julie Andrews said, “Let’s start at the very beginning, a very good place to start”, but which beginning? Where? When? And why me? * I was born in George, Washington in October 15, 1974 and . . . Oh, boy. You’re already confused and I haven’t gotten to the confusin...

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GOK

Don’t you remember me?! Take a deep breath. What’s the last thing you remember? Ok. Let’s start simple: What’s your name? You don’t know. How old are you? You don’t know . And you don’t know who I am? Long day. Do you have any brothers or sisters and if so, how many? What do you know? Well, let me start by telling you where you are: You’re in a hospital or a rehab facility. This is a rehab hospital. What are you doing here? Do you remember? You don’t. Any guesses? You got in an accident. You ha...

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