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James Offenhartz

Author on Reedsy Prompts since Aug, 2023

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5 Followers
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136 Stories

64 karma pts

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Dear Flopsy, I’m sorry. I don’t know what I was thinking. I was young, immature, and irresponsible and I’m sorry. I said I would clean the stuff under the cage every week and my mom did all that because I was young and stupid. I was a brat. You spent most of your life in a cage except for hop night where you hopped around the basement. I think you enjoyed that. I wouldn’t know. But you weren’t an affectionate rabbit. I wanted a white rabbit with pink eyes and that was you. I should apologize to Mom too or maybe it’s that you shou...

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Them

I’m going to kill him but first I have to find him; or is it her? Them. I gotta find them but them singular not plural. You seen them? What do they look like? You’ll know when you see them. Trust me, you’ll know, you can’t miss them. No, I didn’t get a picture. Son-of-a-bitch, I should’ve taken a picture. Why didn’t I …? Why? Yes, I know killing isn’t legal but three lefts make a right and two wrongs make a left. Well two wrongs don’t make a right so two wrongs must make a left, right?So we have to find them and p...

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Colored Coats

No, we’re on separate bills this time, we broke up. What? Yes he is. He’s right there. What’re you blind or something? He’s right there, he’s an adult now so he can pay his own bill … Your supervisor? Why? Can you at least refill our coffees. Ok. You’re an adult now. You have money and I’m sick of paying for you. No, we’re not dating we’re just good acquaintances or we were unless you’re taking advantage of me. Are we just meeting so you can get free meals? No? Then you’re paying for your own meals from this point forward. ...

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Pearl Pad

Strange, why would anyone put a journal or diary under lock and key? It isn’t even quality paper and the hard cover is worn out. This should’ve been thrown out and considering it is garbage, why was it in a lock box? I am a library manager so this is inventoring. That isn’t a real word, but there are a few things I’m looking for. See, books, like people, get old, they literally get bugs, deteriorate, patrons fuck them up, we get donations which aren’t appropriate, and other shit happens. Don’t need porno next to Disney. There...

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Unfuck up

Got it. Thank God. Never share this or tell this with nobody, never. No one. No how. My use. No one else but me. Sick bastards could do evil bullshit with this. I ain’t evil, but know there is evil, so mum’s the word; shut up. Or as Cake said, “Shut the fuck up”. Remember what the Orwell film said or was that a book. I can find out before. Will explain soon but don’t tell Sam. You know who Sam is, right? Don’t mean the “Society of American Magicians,” I mean the guy who’s married to Aunt Sally. That guy. You know who I ...

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25:00

25:00 MT There’s no such thing and you’re an idiot. There’s no thirteenth month. Hell, there’s not even a 24th hour; after 23:59:59, it goes back to 0:00:00 am, technically in Military Time there’s no am or pm since it’s superfluous. Months, days, hours, minutes, seconds, military, American. Like not 30/4/97 but 4/30/97, understand? Got this through your fucking head. You can say you’ll have it done in 25 hours, but not at 25 o’clock. Maybe that’s where you got confused, you’re a noncommissioned officer, right? Figures. Fresh ...

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Choice

it doesn’t matter. I know you think it matters, but it doesn’t. It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter. Get that through your head. God is love, God is the Universe, God is energy, God is alive, God is dead. It doesn’t matter. None of it matters. You don’t know how the ignition works in your car, but you turn the key and it turns on. All that matters is it works and it does work so let it go. It doesn’t matter. You don’t understand HVAC, but you enjoy the heatYou think you have it figured out, but you don’t. You know you don’t. Remember the pa...

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Fairy tail

Once upon a time, it isn’t what you’re thinking. A fairy is also a derogatory term for a homosexual. So, welcome to my fairy tale. Fairies were also nature creatures that help flowers grow. So, call the little nature creatures fairies, not us, not me. It’s become easier to tell our fairy tales, now, since Ellen came out. So, let me tell you my fairy tale or the story of how I came out of the closet. Maybe let others tell their fairy tales. So here’s my fairy tale. Once a young girl, named Nancy, turned 12, and you know...

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Hungry

I know what I want, what I’m hungry for; nothing. I want nothing, to do nothing, to owe nothing; I just want nothing. Look at my schedule and it’s a blank page. Yea right. I’m in so many organizations I could be a saint. Saint Everything. “Jack of all trades, master of nothing,”. I’m the guy everyone calls. Hey, the JCC doesn’t have enough toilet paper. What should we do? We need you, the treasurer, to authorize us to spend $5 at the dollar tree for toilet paper. Forget that I’ve told them a billion times they can just buy toilet paper, save...

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Swirleys

That’s weird; like a fucked up Aurora borialis. That’s weird. Or maybe a drunk God; weird. I haven’t even seen some of these colors before and I’ve seen weird shit. Hell, in this profession, who hasn’t? Shit like haboobs, mud slides, thunder snow, double rainbows, mud floods, but nothing like this. Damn it. Only a nut job would go chasing a storm; then I’m THE nut job. Hell, I’m the probational meteorologist so that’s my job: Smile and calm the morons down. This storm (if that’s what it is? is like Jackson Pollock on LSD, wei...

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Snow

Because I’ve never seen it before. Yes, I know it’s a pain in the . . . Look, I’m dead in a year, so you’re doing it and I’m doing it. I don’t want a video of it, I want to get out of Florida. Yes, I know everyone leaves the snow to come here and no one leaves here to go there, but I’m nobody anyway and I’m dead in a year so who cares what others think. Yes, I know I’ll need to make preparations. Yes, I know. I know I’ll need to dress in layers and need warm clothes. I can do research online. Ok. Coats, sweatshirts, thermal unde...

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Love

I love you, but you’re a son-of-a-bitch, not like the good son-of-a-bitch we had, like the reason people started calling other people a son-of-a-bitch. Fuck. All you had to do was nothing. How hard is that? Why is that hard? Sit on your ass and read a book, watch a movie, sleep. You know how many people would kill to be allowed to stay home and sleep all day? Billions. But you? No, you’re “too good for that”. You need to make something of yourself. You need to be remembered in the future. News flash asshole, you’re...

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Seeking Normal

We’re not in the movies, you’ve never seen us, you don’t know us, but you know we’re there. Like when you see something out of the corner of your eye, but you turn around and I’m not there. You tell yourself it’s your imagination, but you know it’s not, or … maybe the astrologists were right, but you don’t believe in astrology or psychics, or any of that bullshit. You believe in mentalism, numbers, science, so you stop and think. People who drink too often or under the influence of other drugs see things that aren’t there because… someth...

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I remember

I remember. I know I remember. My psychiatrist and I talked about it and that’s what happened. I know it’s what happened. I’ve gone over it in my head. I’ve done neurohypnosis, it’s a new thing. But under hypnosis, I found it out. I remember. I know this is what happened. But studies on memories . . . Scientists don’t always know what the fuck they’re talking about. On May 7, 1943 at 10:38 am, that’s when it happened and I’m going to go on the stand and testify under oath. I remember and those bastards are going to ja...

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Corset

You’re going to dress up as what? Good luck. Why the hell would you want to . . .? Nevermind. . . I don’t want to know. Go as whatever you want, so long as you don’t get arrested or use any drugs. Stay out of trouble; the last thing we need right now is to pay for an attorney. They could be anything in the entire world and they pick that. Why that? Why can’t my kids be normal. Probably got the one kids in the hood who won’t eat Kix cereal, right? Most kids be going as a dog, cat, a superhero, nop, mine picks some crazy...

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