Hungry

I know what I want, what I’m hungry for; nothing. I want nothing, to do nothing, to owe nothing; I just want nothing. Look at my schedule and it’s a blank page. Yea right.

I’m in so many organizations I could be a saint. Saint Everything. “Jack of all trades, master of nothing,”. I’m the guy everyone calls. Hey, the JCC doesn’t have enough toilet paper. What should we do? We need you, the treasurer, to authorize us to spend $5 at the dollar tree for toilet paper. Forget that I’ve told them a billion times they can just buy toilet paper, save the receipt and I’ll reimburse them. No, because maybe this time there isn’t enough money in the account. If there isn’t, I’ll reimburse you personally. Stop calling me at 2 am to ask this. I’d turn my fucking phone off but I’m an emergency contact for a billion people. At lease half of them are idiots.

I’m also the coach for the high school football team. Figure out xes and oes on a sheet of paper and they all need my phone number because what if they’re not feeling well or their family’s on vacation or God only knows what else. Or maybe they need someone to act as their friend or be their father or whoever the hell I am today. I have all the answers and I’m everyone’s everything. If I died, the world would stop spinning on its axis. I’m everything? Wish I was Emily Dickinson, then I’d be no one and no one would advertise and I’d be nobody’s nothing. Hell, I wouldn’t even have a phone. My address would be unlisted. No email no contact. People would look at me walk past. Made of cellophane. Hey, credit card bills come in the mail and you know how much I owe. Damn straight nothing. No who I live with? nobody. Know who I’m married to or dating? My right hand. No arguments, no one fighting for my attention, no pets.

Wouldn’t you feel lonely? Wouldn’t you get bored? No and no. Don’t you hunger for connection or socialization? No, no. My new friends would be rest and relaxation. Wanting socialization is what got me into this fucking mess. That and not having a no gene, but I have one now,

We need a volunteer for … I leave the room. I got so much shit on my plate the toilet’s clogged. But I used to be a low self esteemed moron and I was gullible and lonely so I decided to join a club, one club, to make friends so I wouldn’t feel lonely. The club I joined was the bridge club. Not the football coach club, not the Jewish Community Center, just bridge. Bridge is a complicated game so I figured I wouldn’t be surrounded by morons. There’s companionship in bridge and minimal talking. All people say are their bids, which is good. 2 hearts, 1 no trump. Think of it like hanging out at a bar where all people say are their orders. 1 sex on the beach. But speaking thereof, I met my wife through a club of a club. Maybe the reader doesn’t understand.

Most humans are social creatures. So, once, after a bridge game where I got second place, the bridge players went out to Denny’s to eat. Oh, but we didn’t just eat, we talked. Where you from, what do you do for a living; the usual bullshit. Rule 63: never get to know anyone, other than your partner in bridge, well. Why not? This is how it starts, always. Oh, you’re Jewish? Have you considered coming to the JCC! No, I hadn’t, but I was convinced to check it out on the weekend because why not? “It’s better than drinking alone,” but Joel was wrong.

Then, I decided it was expensive; the JCC; but they told me if I volunteered, I could be a member for free. What do I do for a living? I’m a CPA who works with idiots from home. “What’s that you say? Today is” tax season day. And my clients are famous. They’re on the news on TV every year. They’re the ones at the back of the line at the post office on the last possible day to mail out your taxes even though I told them to do it once I finish filing it.

Great! You’re a CPA. We have a treasurer position you’d be great at. Right. Sid quid pro quo, but I did it. Easy stuff any accountant could do, so they promoted me to be in charge of all the financing. How can we save more money? Is it ok to buy this? Where’s the best place to buy this? Phone call after phone call. No, you don’t need a tax form 8300 for a new Tv.

Oh, then the football coach got sick. Have I ever coached football. They need your help. Should’ve stuck with bridge. Could you help with our yard sale? Teaching Sabbath School, the bathroom needs cleaned. Burn out is a bitch.

So, I got it tattooed to my forearm: NO. I quit the bridge club and the president of the club asked, “Why? You’re great at bridge and everyone seems to like you.” Want a story that’s the opposite of “Shrek”. More like “It’s a Wonderful Life” except I wouldn’t come back.

So, what am I hungry for? Thought it was something to do and companionship but I’m hungry for eating out alone after bridge. Talk to Ellison’s character about anything or nothing. Eat worms for lunch. You know? “Nobody loves me, everybody hates me, I might as well eat some worms.” I wish I was bored again with no friends, no phone calls, and no doorbell or knocker. Just peace, quiet. No alarm clock, nothing. Just nature outside, but that won’t happen until the day I die, now, which considering my age …. What are you hungry for? A better story? Ok