Menu

More apps built by Reedsy

Assemble a team of professionals

The writing app for authors

Writing courses, events and memberships

Get your book reviewed

Weekly writing prompts and contests

Menu
Prompts
Contests
Stories
Blog

James Offenhartz

Author on Reedsy Prompts since Aug, 2023

Stories
Comments
Library
5 Followers
17 Following

139 Stories

66 karma pts

?

You

I can’t sleep. That’s a misstatement. I can’t sleep not because I’m not able to but because I don’t have time to. My schedule is packed. Too many obligations. Too many clubs. Too many “friends”. The news says isolation is as harmful as cigarettes. Wonder what it says about too many friends or too much going on. They haven’t done studies on that yet since there’s money in joining clubs or churches or being an officer for an organization or all the organizations . I can’t sleep. It’s like crack cocaine, adrenaline. ...

0 likes 0 comments 0
Read story

Bullying from the Bitch

Are you there, God, it’s me, and no, I’m not Margarette. There are four major changes in life: “moving, breaking up or divorce, job change or loss, and loss of a loved one” and lucky me, I’m getting all four at once. So, the trite question everyone asks You/you, Why me? I didn’t do anything wrong. There was nothing I could have done to prevent this. It’s his fault (and Your fault). I don’t know where I’m going to live now. I might be homeless. I’ve called up homeless shelters and they’re all full. I’m on all the waiting lists but if I don’t ...

0 likes 0 comments 0
Read story

Tech Guy

Eureka. This is great. This will advance education by millennia. And I invented it and patented it. I’ll be the first in my family to be rich. See, think about computers. You can send emails, text messages, upload files and data. “No more teachers, no more books, no more teachers’ dirty looks.” See, imagine not just learning basics in school like multiplication tables, division, Spanish or French, or anything. Well, the government is going to save billions all because of me and I’ll be rich and famous. I’ll pay famous actors, ...

1 like 0 comments 0
Read story

Military Gas

We were moving, officer, from Pennsylvania and we’re moving to Virginia or she’s moving to Virginia and we’re helping her move. See, this is my daughter, Laura, and my son, Bob and she just graduated and we celebrated and we moved her here and we got this U-Haul and we were low on gas and we saw this gas station and the U- Haul was low on gas so we thought we’d stop here and get some gas, maybe a snack and some beers. We weren’t trying to break any laws, we were just trying to gas up our truck. What? No, we rented this truck, t...

0 likes 0 comments 0
Read story

Juxtaposition

You made a deal and not with the Devil or Wayne Brady and they’re not the same. No, you made a deal with Chaos Publishing. Should’ve known by the name it was a bad idea. Chaos, the enemy of Maxwell Smart, right? What the fuck am I talking about? Fame. Fortune. This is one of the ways to get out of poverty, desperation, the ghetto. Prosperity, riches, fame. So, I signed it, the publishing contract, but I also signed a deal with Zwandilla. No one’s ever heard of her. Think of her like the Mafia, but not from Russia. Fuck Russia, Mex...

1 like 0 comments 0
Read story

Fantasy

“There’s a catch. There’s always a catch.” Think about Midas who wished everything he touched to turn into gold, but you can’t eat gold. Or the Norse mythology where an ointment is put over one eye to see all the riches of the world and the man begs to have it put on his second eye since he believes the ointment will allow him to see where the riches are, even after being told time after time, it’ll make him go blind, but he gets it put on his eye, and goes blind. “Sophie’s choice” It’s a metaphor, but what is it a metaphor fo...

2 likes 0 comments 0
Read story

The Neo’s and the C’s

Because it’s the American dream. We are in America, aren’t we? I’m not sure, either. See, remember what they used to say? The American dream? A house for everyone, two cars in the garage, a spouse, kids, etc., except for me. That’s what America was but not what it is now and no, I’m not one of those, “Make America Great Again,” bastards. What I’m saying is the opposite of that. What im saying is everyone should be allowed to own a house, which becomes a home, to get married, have, . . . You’re not understanding, you’re thi...

1 like 0 comments 0
Read story

Cacophonous juggernaut

Because of natural law on both sides of the equation. Natural Law here; Natural Law there. Everywhere in the known and unknown universe, until now. Maybe a parallel universe is combining with ours. I know that doesn’t make sense. Think about gravity. People think gravity doesn’t exist in space, but it does, until now. The planets seem like a bunch of billiard balls bouncing around. The scientists thought the size or configuration of the stars might have changed, but there’s no evidence to support this hypothesis. None. People t...

0 likes 0 comments 0
Read story

Letting it Go

You’ve failed and you’ve lost your credentials. It’s over. There are other churches where you can get your credentials. Let it go. Start again somewhere else. Maybe give up being a member of the church. Yes, I know you’ve invested tons of time and money in it, but you fucked up, so let it go. Just let it go and start over somewhere else with someone else. Think of it like a burnt steak or a pickle. You can’t unburn a steak. You can’t unpickle it back to a cucumber. But you can buy another cucumber or a new steak. That’s wh...

1 like 0 comments 0
Read story

A Family Meal Restaurant Menu

Appetizers Small TalkThis is a great way to start before the main argument of the night. Choose from a wide variety of bullshit like the weather, how the dogs or kids are doing, your favorite sports team, local news, unimportant things of all variety. If you don’t see the bullshit you’re looking for, ask your server. Jokes These jokes are are old classics. If they’re stale, tell your server, and they can ask Sierri for a joke or look upa Dad joke for and get ready to groan. For an extra groan, ask for a new Dad joke. It’ll even make...

2 likes 0 comments 0
Read story

Solitary confinement

You know what, I quit, everything, period. I’m burnt out, so I quit. I quit everything. It’s not because you did anything, it’s just. No, I’m not angry. I know I made a commitment, but I didn’t sign anything. I’m under no legal obligation to . . . But I need to . . . I haven’t slept in five days. I quit. How would I feel if the shoe was on the other foot? Do you want to trade places? I’m in too many clubs and I don’t know which to drop because everyone’s counting on me, but . . . Yes, I know. What about the organizations w...

1 like 0 comments 0
Read story

Agent

Because I’m the one who can get your story off the fucking pile. Without me, your manuscript will sit on the pile for months, maybe years. That’s why you need me and I have coffee with publishing houses. No, I know you can’t talk to a house, I talked to the people who work in the publishing houses and I see and ask what they’re looking for and that’s how people like you get published. By paying a meager 15% of the contract I can get you with someone like Random House or Penguin or any other New York House. The coffee you’re paying for...

1 like 0 comments 0
Read story

Morons

I didn’t have a choice. I never have a choice. Welcome to America, “The land of the fees and the home of the slave”. See, this is how America is, not what they tell you in the fairy tales and on the streets. The real America. You pay someone to take you over here because you’re living in Hell. Out of the frying pan and into “Dente’s inferno”. I must have been a lawyer in my last life. The land of opportunity. Here, I could get my brother a chair like there are free chairs everywhere. Free chairs on streets paved with gold. They don’t tell yo...

1 like 0 comments 0
Read story

Bodo BOGO

I don’t understand. You don’t understand what I don’t understand, but that doesn’t change the fact that I don’t understand. See, what happens is they come from another country. Now, of course, everyone will accuse me of being xenophobic, but I’m not xenophobic, I just don’t understand. See, they come from other countries to live “The American Dream”. Then, instead of figuring out what they can do to help others with their dreams, which is something an altruist would do, they think they’ll mine gold or it’ll rain diamonds or I don’t...

1 like 0 comments 0
Read story

Fucked

Fuck. Damn it. Motherfucker. It can’t get worse. No, wait. It can. Don’t give God that test. It can always get worse. Remember, I still have my vision, my toes, my boobs, for now. Problems, lots of them. Could pan handle, mug rich people, if I get arrested, I’ll have food, shelter l, clean clothes. It’ll be orange, but clean. Then, I’ll never get a job. Who’s going to hire a stinky bum who needs a haircut. No resume. Could train for shit through VR. At least there I could have sex again. Lesbian sex but I’ll take what I can get. Motherfucker...

0 likes 0 comments 0
Read story