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James Offenhartz

Author on Reedsy Prompts since Aug, 2023

Stories
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Library
5 Followers
17 Following

126 Stories

61 karma pts

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State

Fuck!! Fuck!! Fuck!! How to get my whole life in one box? It’s impossible. How do you put the full-size elephant into a Safeway bag? Take the S off of safe in the F of the way. Right. Listen the objects it’s a memory behind the objects the energy behind the objects to the objects represent and remembering them in the object with them. Objects aren’t objects, they’re the memory of the object. it’s all gonna do with Tim O’Brien on this every object every memory everything this is gonna be like reading rapper rules of order fourth ed...

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Universal

There’s no dialogue. There’s no dialect The only language this idiot knows is glossolalia. Bring him to church, right? Then maybe somebody would care about this idiot or what this idiot is saying ,but nobody does. Nobody cares. When he was young, his parents cared, his teachers cared, his friends cared; people cared, but his parents are dead, he hasn’t kept in touch with his teachers or his friends and his parents put him in their will so our company could take care of him. I do my job, but that’s all it is to me; a job; a paycheck...

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Forgetting

That didn’t happen. That couldn’t have happened. Are you sure? That doesn’t sound like me? I don’t know where I was on that date. Was I read my Miranda rights? Oh, ok. What’s your name again? And you’re not my attorney. Do I have an attorney? I’m telling you I know myself. That’s not something I would’ve done. Can I see the video. When? I’m telling you that didn’t happen. Do you have any DNA, fingerprints, EtC.? I didn’t think so. Humans are the least reliable form of evidence. Was the person who witnessed it white or blac...

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MI

Something’s wrong This isn’t normal. I’m sitting here in my wheelchair and sweating but I haven’t moved. I’ve been pushed around pushed around in the wheelchair and not pushed around emotionally or psychologically then why am I sweating? Somethings wrong. I’m scared. I have a speech impediment called TOTTS which means everything is in my head, but it won’t come out my mouth. I think of it like a computer, unable to communicate with a monitor or keyboard. People don’t have desktops anymore, though, which shows you how old I am Can’t think...

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What wrong with you?

you’re grateful for what? Usted es loco à la coco. No one in their right mind would be grateful for that. What be wrong with you? You be crazy. Who in their right mind would want a tax audit? Nobody but you my friend. Nobody but you. Ok but suppose you fail again, then what? You think it be false positive. You full of shit. Yes, there be some evidence that lack of sleep give you false positive, but . . . You no listen no nothing I say. listen a negative is a negative a positive it’s a positive sleep. Don’t got nothing...

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Name

Dear Flopsy, I’m sorry. I don’t know what I was thinking. I was young, immature, and irresponsible and I’m sorry. I said I would clean the stuff under the cage every week and my mom did all that because I was young and stupid. I was a brat. You spent most of your life in a cage except for hop night where you hopped around the basement. I think you enjoyed that. I wouldn’t know. But you weren’t an affectionate rabbit. I wanted a white rabbit with pink eyes and that was you. I should apologize to Mom too or maybe it’s that you shou...

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Them

I’m going to kill him but first I have to find him; or is it her? Them. I gotta find them but them singular not plural. You seen them? What do they look like? You’ll know when you see them. Trust me, you’ll know, you can’t miss them. No, I didn’t get a picture. Son-of-a-bitch, I should’ve taken a picture. Why didn’t I …? Why? Yes, I know killing isn’t legal but three lefts make a right and two wrongs make a left. Well two wrongs don’t make a right so two wrongs must make a left, right?So we have to find them and p...

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Colored Coats

No, we’re on separate bills this time, we broke up. What? Yes he is. He’s right there. What’re you blind or something? He’s right there, he’s an adult now so he can pay his own bill … Your supervisor? Why? Can you at least refill our coffees. Ok. You’re an adult now. You have money and I’m sick of paying for you. No, we’re not dating we’re just good acquaintances or we were unless you’re taking advantage of me. Are we just meeting so you can get free meals? No? Then you’re paying for your own meals from this point forward. ...

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Pearl Pad

Strange, why would anyone put a journal or diary under lock and key? It isn’t even quality paper and the hard cover is worn out. This should’ve been thrown out and considering it is garbage, why was it in a lock box? I am a library manager so this is inventoring. That isn’t a real word, but there are a few things I’m looking for. See, books, like people, get old, they literally get bugs, deteriorate, patrons fuck them up, we get donations which aren’t appropriate, and other shit happens. Don’t need porno next to Disney. There...

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Unfuck up

Got it. Thank God. Never share this or tell this with nobody, never. No one. No how. My use. No one else but me. Sick bastards could do evil bullshit with this. I ain’t evil, but know there is evil, so mum’s the word; shut up. Or as Cake said, “Shut the fuck up”. Remember what the Orwell film said or was that a book. I can find out before. Will explain soon but don’t tell Sam. You know who Sam is, right? Don’t mean the “Society of American Magicians,” I mean the guy who’s married to Aunt Sally. That guy. You know who I ...

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25:00

25:00 MT There’s no such thing and you’re an idiot. There’s no thirteenth month. Hell, there’s not even a 24th hour; after 23:59:59, it goes back to 0:00:00 am, technically in Military Time there’s no am or pm since it’s superfluous. Months, days, hours, minutes, seconds, military, American. Like not 30/4/97 but 4/30/97, understand? Got this through your fucking head. You can say you’ll have it done in 25 hours, but not at 25 o’clock. Maybe that’s where you got confused, you’re a noncommissioned officer, right? Figures. Fresh ...

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Choice

it doesn’t matter. I know you think it matters, but it doesn’t. It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter. Get that through your head. God is love, God is the Universe, God is energy, God is alive, God is dead. It doesn’t matter. None of it matters. You don’t know how the ignition works in your car, but you turn the key and it turns on. All that matters is it works and it does work so let it go. It doesn’t matter. You don’t understand HVAC, but you enjoy the heatYou think you have it figured out, but you don’t. You know you don’t. Remember the pa...

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Fairy tail

Once upon a time, it isn’t what you’re thinking. A fairy is also a derogatory term for a homosexual. So, welcome to my fairy tale. Fairies were also nature creatures that help flowers grow. So, call the little nature creatures fairies, not us, not me. It’s become easier to tell our fairy tales, now, since Ellen came out. So, let me tell you my fairy tale or the story of how I came out of the closet. Maybe let others tell their fairy tales. So here’s my fairy tale. Once a young girl, named Nancy, turned 12, and you know...

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Hungry

I know what I want, what I’m hungry for; nothing. I want nothing, to do nothing, to owe nothing; I just want nothing. Look at my schedule and it’s a blank page. Yea right. I’m in so many organizations I could be a saint. Saint Everything. “Jack of all trades, master of nothing,”. I’m the guy everyone calls. Hey, the JCC doesn’t have enough toilet paper. What should we do? We need you, the treasurer, to authorize us to spend $5 at the dollar tree for toilet paper. Forget that I’ve told them a billion times they can just buy toilet paper, save...

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Swirleys

That’s weird; like a fucked up Aurora borialis. That’s weird. Or maybe a drunk God; weird. I haven’t even seen some of these colors before and I’ve seen weird shit. Hell, in this profession, who hasn’t? Shit like haboobs, mud slides, thunder snow, double rainbows, mud floods, but nothing like this. Damn it. Only a nut job would go chasing a storm; then I’m THE nut job. Hell, I’m the probational meteorologist so that’s my job: Smile and calm the morons down. This storm (if that’s what it is? is like Jackson Pollock on LSD, wei...

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