Suicide

My entire life is over. I know it’s a cliché line, but it’s true. I worked my entire life to get one credential or I should say multiple credentials and I made one mistake and everything I’ve worked. My whole life is over so the solution is obvious: Suicide. Now, I’ve called the Help Lines I’ve seen my shrink. I’ve changed my medications, but it isn’t that. I’m depressed or anxious or anything else. It’s just there’s no direction. I’m not married. I don’t have kids. I don’t think I’m going to get married or have kids at this point in my life because I have tunnel vision. Well keeps me motivated is going towards a goal, but the goal is gone. No the other goals were sacrifice. In the meantime. Think of it like someone spending their life tried to get in the Olympics and then because of a technical error they were disqualified from the Olympics by the Olympic committee forever. And then what? Well could go back to school and look at a different career. I spent all my money pursuing this one dream. All my eggs are in one basket. I know it’s cliché. It’s right shoot me then I don’t have to do it myself. There are other organizations, but words spread quick in all fields.

So, i’m not depressed, I’m not anxious. I’ve already seen a shrink. I’ve been to the loony bin, but it’s nothing they can fix. I don’t have a disorder like bipolar. I read all the self-help books I can get my hands on and none of them helped. They say things will get better, but the proof is in the pudding in the past when I decided not to and things haven’t gotten better since then. Everyone said they would maybe it makes them feel better. I’ve heard the story of the two salesman where the man says his life goes in cycles and when things were the worst, he knew they could only get better and things were the best he knew they could only get worse. My life doesn’t work like that. It’s like a downward slope. If I don’t do it now things will get worse, not better so I have no direction, no purpose, no wife, no kids, and I don’t own a home my parents and my siblings may care, but I’ll get over it in time. What’s the one question you should never ask a psychic? Am I going to die? because the answer is yes we’re all gonna die someday. People have had NDE’s all seem happier after their NDE. Maybe I’ll have a purpose over there and maybe I won’t. Maybe on my pets will be over there. No could talk to people there are people I can call, but I don’t want to all that happens when I call people they tell me all their problems and not listen to me. There’s no point, there’s no purpose, there’s no reason. It’s like when a convicted felon steals a car and races off and sees the cops behind them and tries to run the cops. It’s pointless and no one will see you. You’ll never escape and that’s what it feels like the death is my escape. It’s “the perfect drug”. Think about it like moving to a new town. New opportunities, new friends, new purpose, no reason. I’m enthusiastic about going on this trip. Imagine a place where there’s no pain no responsibilities, no bills, no letdowns. And maybe this is the purpose to end it and go to the famous white light people have said the white light is filled with love and joy and ecstasy. Everything I don’t have so I know what I do. I just need to figure out how.

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Everything is gone. “ suicide is what happens when the pain becomes greater than the ability to cope with the pain.” That’s what some article said, but it didn’t actually try to commit suicide. It was an accidental suicide attempt. Maybe that doesn’t make sense. Nothing in my world makes sense right now. The orangutans are talking and grabbing me. I think this building is on a sinkhole cause they keep having walls that move. Everything is padded. Not sure if that’s a good thing or not and somebody stole my bra and I can’t find another one. They won’t let me out to go to the store to buy one. Is it once I’m dismissed they’ll give it back, but I don’t trust these bastards the fuzz in the carpet speaking again. It says it hurts when I step on them or maybe they’re speaking in French and I don’t understand them. Nothing makes sense. Need to go back to my last coherent thought before the withdrawal starts somebody died and it wasn’t me but somebody important to me died I think or maybe it was multiple people I think that’s why I got high so I could forget. Forget what? God dammit the Bears are back to squeeze my arms. Sometimes it’s one arm sometimes it’s two. I freak out when that happens. It’s happening every hour or two I’m angry so I start punching the wall, but it’s padded. My shoes are loose. I tried to tie them, but there are no laces. Weird. Somebody died and it wasn’t me. Am I or was I married? I look at my left hand since I’m right handed. There’s no ring but there’s a hand line where the ring should be. Maybe I’m divorced. Maybe that’s what I’m trying to forget. Maybe it’s better that I don’t remember since that’s why I got high if that’s why I got high but if I feel so bad that I got high cause I didn’t wanna remember maybe it’s better off if I and go to the other side. The pain only lasts a few minutes unless I’m high through the whole thing then there would be no pain and that would be good