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James Offenhartz

Author on Reedsy Prompts since Aug, 2023

Stories
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Library
7 Followers
17 Following

148 Stories

111 karma pts

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Pearl Pad

Strange, why would anyone put a journal or diary under lock and key? It isn’t even quality paper and the hard cover is worn out. This should’ve been thrown out and considering it is garbage, why was it in a lock box? I am a library manager so this is inventoring. That isn’t a real word, but there are a few things I’m looking for. See, books, like people, get old, they literally get bugs, deteriorate, patrons fuck them up, we get donations which aren’t appropriate, and other shit happens. Don’t need porno next to Disney. There’s also...

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Unfuck up

Got it. Thank God. Never share this or tell this with nobody, never. No one. No how. My use. No one else but me. Sick bastards could do evil bullshit with this. I ain’t evil, but know there is evil, so mum’s the word; shut up. Or as Cake said, “Shut the fuck up”. Remember what the Orwell film said or was that a book. I can find out before. Will explain soon but don’t tell Sam. You know who Sam is, right? Don’t mean the “Society of American Magicians,” I mean the guy who’s married to Aunt Sally. That guy. You know who I mean. ...

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25:00

25:00 MT There’s no such thing and you’re an idiot. There’s no thirteenth month. Hell, there’s not even a 24th hour; after 23:59:59, it goes back to 0:00:00 am, technically in Military Time there’s no am or pm since it’s superfluous. Months, days, hours, minutes, seconds, military, American. Like not 30/4/97 but 4/30/97, understand? Got this through your fucking head. You can say you’ll have it done in 25 hours, but not at 25 o’clock. Maybe that’s where you got confused, you’re a noncommissioned officer, right? Figures. Fresh...

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Choice

it doesn’t matter. I know you think it matters, but it doesn’t. It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter. Get that through your head. God is love, God is the Universe, God is energy, God is alive, God is dead. It doesn’t matter. None of it matters. You don’t know how the ignition works in your car, but you turn the key and it turns on. All that matters is it works and it does work so let it go. It doesn’t matter. You don’t understand HVAC, but you enjoy the heat You think you have it figured out, but you don’t. You know you don’t. Remember the p...

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Fairy tail

Once upon a time, it isn’t what you’re thinking. A fairy is also a derogatory term for a homosexual. So, welcome to my fairy tale. Fairies were also nature creatures that help flowers grow. So, call the little nature creatures fairies, not us, not me. It’s become easier to tell our fairy tales, now, since Ellen came out. So, let me tell you my fairy tale or the story of how I came out of the closet. Maybe let others tell their fairy tales. So here’s my fairy tale. Once a young girl, named Nancy, turned 12, and you know what hap...

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Hungry

I know what I want, what I’m hungry for; nothing. I want nothing, to do nothing, to owe nothing; I just want nothing. Look at my schedule and it’s a blank page. Yea right. I’m in so many organizations I could be a saint. Saint Everything. “Jack of all trades, master of nothing,”. I’m the guy everyone calls. Hey, the JCC doesn’t have enough toilet paper. What should we do? We need you, the treasurer, to authorize us to spend $5 at the dollar tree for toilet paper. Forget that I’ve told them a billion times they can just buy toilet paper, save...

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Swirleys

That’s weird; like a fucked up Aurora borialis. That’s weird. Or maybe a drunk God; weird. I haven’t even seen some of these colors before and I’ve seen weird shit. Hell, in this profession, who hasn’t? Shit like haboobs, mud slides, thunder snow, double rainbows, mud floods, but nothing like this. Damn it. Only a nut job would go chasing a storm; then I’m THE nut job. Hell, I’m the probational meteorologist so that’s my job: Smile and calm the morons down. This storm (if that’s what it is? is like Jackson Pollock on LSD, wei...

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Snow

Because I’ve never seen it before. Yes, I know it’s a pain in the . . . Look, I’m dead in a year, so you’re doing it and I’m doing it. I don’t want a video of it, I want to get out of Florida. Yes, I know everyone leaves the snow to come here and no one leaves here to go there, but I’m nobody anyway and I’m dead in a year so who cares what others think. Yes, I know I’ll need to make preparations. Yes, I know. I know I’ll need to dress in layers and need warm clothes. I can do research online. Ok. Coats, sweatshirts, thermal underwear,...

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Love

I love you, but you’re a son-of-a-bitch, not like the good son-of-a-bitch we had, like the reason people started calling other people a son-of-a-bitch. Fuck. All you had to do was nothing. How hard is that? Why is that hard? Sit on your ass and read a book, watch a movie, sleep. You know how many people would kill to be allowed to stay home and sleep all day? Billions. But you? No, you’re “too good for that”. You need to make something of yourself. You need to be remembered in the future. News flash asshole, you’re not goi...

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Seeking Normal

We’re not in the movies, you’ve never seen us, you don’t know us, but you know we’re there. Like when you see something out of the corner of your eye, but you turn around and I’m not there. You tell yourself it’s your imagination, but you know it’s not, or … maybe the astrologists were right, but you don’t believe in astrology or psychics, or any of that bullshit. You believe in mentalism, numbers, science, so you stop and think. People who drink too often or under the influence of other drugs see things that aren’t there because… someth...

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I remember

I remember. I know I remember. My psychiatrist and I talked about it and that’s what happened. I know it’s what happened. I’ve gone over it in my head. I’ve done neurohypnosis, it’s a new thing. But under hypnosis, I found it out. I remember. I know this is what happened. But studies on memories . . . Scientists don’t always know what the fuck they’re talking about. On May 7, 1943 at 10:38 am, that’s when it happened and I’m going to go on the stand and testify under oath. I remember and those bastards are going to jail. So, I u...

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Corset

You’re going to dress up as what? Good luck. Why the hell would you want to . . .? Nevermind. . . I don’t want to know. Go as whatever you want, so long as you don’t get arrested or use any drugs. Stay out of trouble; the last thing we need right now is to pay for an attorney. They could be anything in the entire world and they pick that. Why that? Why can’t my kids be normal. Probably got the one kids in the hood who won’t eat Kix cereal, right? Most kids be going as a dog, cat, a superhero, nop, mine picks some crazy old shit...

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Burn

The worst thing in the world is unwanted help and unrequested presents with no receipts. Wouldn’t you feel better if we cleaned your apartment when you were gone? Then, you’d have a clear path and the fire department requires that you have a clear path. The fire department, huh? Well, then and the Department of Health. We’re required since this fucking facility, which I never asked to be in, has regulations mandated by the fucking state of Georgia, which I never asked for. “Liberty and Justice for all”; all except the damn disabled...

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Evolution

I don’t know. Maybe if I get in the shower with my clothes on I’ll know, unless it’s lucid. The EEG can’t tell me either, because if I’m in delta, it’s unreliable and if I’m in beta, I won’t know if it’s real or if I’m in delta. Unless I’m at a different vibration or color range or I’m still asleep, but, for the sake of simplicity, I’m going to say I’m awake, but take it take it with a grain of pepper; think that’s the expression. It’s not a Buddhist question, it’s a schizophrenic question: Am I awake. Which world is real and in which world ...

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Hypocrisy

Because if I buy a lottery ticket, win the Publisher’s Clearance House, or win these contests, I can appeal and get the fuck out of this shit hole and have money to do so and decide what I do with my own money. Wouldn’t that be great?! Why would I want to be saved? Isn’t it great? No credit card bills, my rent’s paid, my health care is covered, what else could I want? As the trite phrase goes, “The grass is always greener”. My cousins are all married, my friends are all married, and I’m not. My slave owner told me if I get married, I’d lose ...

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