Unfuck up

Got it. Thank God. Never share this or tell this with nobody, never. No one. No how. My use. No one else but me. Sick bastards could do evil bullshit with this. I ain’t evil, but know there is evil, so mum’s the word; shut up. Or as Cake said, “Shut the fuck up”. Remember what the Orwell film said or was that a book. I can find out before. Will explain soon but don’t tell Sam.

You know who Sam is, right? Don’t mean the “Society of American Magicians,” I mean the guy who’s married to Aunt Sally. That guy. You know who I mean. He’s watching me, but maybe y’ know that already.

Like anything, this could be used for good or bad. I’m gonna use it for a bit of both. You ain’t no undercover agent, is ya? Empty your pockets and need to look in your ears. Need the make sure this room ain’t bugged and no one can video our lips. Watch “Enemy of the State” with Smith.

We be going to my basement. I bought plates from Sal so government won’t follow me car or know who I am. Got fake ID? Good. You remembered. Yes. I’ll splain it to you. See I’s recalculated Einstein’s theory; the E one. That’s the one: “E=mc2””. But I did’stuff with this fucking formula. Stuff with fractions and multiplication division. What?

Just ‘cause I ain’t talk like no English teacher don’t mean I ain’t smart. I did good in Science and Math. I did’s bad in language and history. Never liked stories none. But I’s figured out how to fuck around with the speed a light. What’s the speed of light? 186,282 miles per second. But I was able to make it vary. Not very anything… vary, like change. I don’t know the new speed I made it. You’re missing’ the point. The fuckin’ point is we can fuck around with the speed of light, we can fuck around with energy and mass. Who fucking cares? Well, once you understand what I invented, you will. The speed of light can vary so we can fuck around with time.

No, not time travel, not exactly . But it fucks around with time. Like I can go back, pause, fast forward. I know. It does sound like a Time Machine, but we can’t jump to a year like 1929 or 5067, but we can go forwards, backwards and pause. I know that sounds like a Time Machine. Look, what we’re going to do is go back and pause, unless yins gots a better idea. Why? So we can unfuck our fuckups and make better lives for everyone. That sounds good, right? And other people can too as long as we don’t get no fuck heads or oh fuck heads. Like think if a Neo or a skinhead got ahold of this shit or stole this shit and made shit better for them. That would fucking suck. So, we’re just gonna unfuck our lives to make the world better, not no one else’s til we sees what’s happened. And, no, it ain’t no remote control with changing no channels or power off. We could kill peoples in the past, like Hitler, but that could fuck up others’ lives good or bad. But, let’s start by unfucking our lives or me. Remember what they says on aeroplanes: First my 02, then your 02. You even been on aeroplane? Yeah, me neither.

So, we’s got the remote so we’d be the Beatles: “I want to hold your hand “. And then we go to the first fuck up, but my first fuck up, not no one else’s. Hell, if I fixed me parents’ fuck up, they’d would’a used a condom, I wouldn’t a been born. So, we’s gonna start with my first fuck up. Let’s see. My first fuck up was when? A lot of them. Maybe just do the major ones, then. First major fuck up was …? Fist fight in school. I’d agree. If I hadn’t gotten into that stupid fight. Wait a minute. If I go back, could I see me or talks to me or be like Beckett’s “quantum leaps” where we trade places. One way to find out. A lot of rewinding.

*

Wait, damn it. We’re in the write time at the wrong place. 1994 but not BFE, but Kissimmee. Forgot, this thing controls time, not distance. Maybe go back a little, rent a car, and drive there. Gas is cheaper now, but let’s see if people here can see us. We went into a Supermarket to see if we could move stuff. We could. Then, we got 2 liter cola for $.69 and the cashier checked us out. Cool. Got to find an “Enterprise”.

I got my iPhone out, turned it on and it said, “No WiFi found”. Fuck. No interest. How did people look shit up back then? You’re right. Phone books. Where the fuck we gonna find a phone book? So, we ask a random person and she was nice and said there’s a phone booth down the hall that probably has one. Need a fucking thesaurus for the ‘90s. We go, find the phone book and part of it is yellow and part of its white. We find enterprise in the yellow part. They hadn’t started picking people up in the ‘90’s. There’s no WiFi, so we go back to the gas station and get directions. Long walk.

We’s get there right before they’d close and we signs the typical contract with insurance, etc, but then they’s run me card and it don’t work. They’d run your card and it ain’t working’ neither. Right. Opened my account in the 2030’s and it be the 1990’s. Fuck. Did people hitch hike in the ‘90’s or no? How we’s supposed to get to Ohio with no car? Yeah, I know this be my idea. So, I’s think about it and remember at 4 am, every day, there’d be a train going by in BFE so I get out my cellphone to look up Amtrak, and there’s still no signal. I sigh and ask the man behind the counter for a phone book. Wonder if they sell phone books at the supermarket.