MI

Something’s wrong This isn’t normal. I’m sitting here in my wheelchair and sweating but I haven’t moved. I’ve been pushed around pushed around in the wheelchair and not pushed around emotionally or psychologically then why am I sweating? Somethings wrong. I’m scared. I have a speech impediment called TOTTS which means everything is in my head, but it won’t come out my mouth. I think of it like a computer, unable to communicate with a monitor or keyboard. People don’t have desktops anymore, though, which shows you how old I am Can’t think of a postmodern metaphor. Put something’s wrong open my mouth to get someone’s attention and make a noise but they ignore it because I make this noise all the time so I try screaming louder but they still ignore it. Maybe there’s a CPA, LPN, RN, or someone else who will do my monthly body check with weight, oxygen level, etc., but probably not there’s a sharp pain in my left arm. I think it’s my muscle, but I’m not sure I’m sweating everywhere and my breathing is shallow. Maybe if I fall out of my wheelchair somebody will notice and figure out what’s going on so I try leaning forward, but the angina won’t let me feels like I’m ventilating. Even if I could get out the simple word help but it won’t come out. The pain crescendoes I feel my face and body turning red like when I was younger and got bitten by fire ants with an allergy. I need someone to walk by and notice me. I pray. Not sure if I should be saying confessions. There’s no priest here. we’re making my wishes known about who I want to get what like I want my photo albums given to my grandkids, but no one understands me. Some people work here Care some people are here for the paycheck. but if they were just here for the paycheck, if they noticed me, they would help me. I try leading forward again. It hurts, but I succeed. I’m able to tip my wheelchair forward and fall off the chair. A nurse should be here soon, but I don’t see anyone I made broken my patella, but if I’m dead in seven minutes, it won’t matter surely someone here will notice someone on the floor off their wheelchair, but I don’t hear anyone. The wheelchair is blocking my view so I lay down. What I need is a defibrillator but I know these idiots would check each of my limbs was OK if something wasn’t OK they’d do cardiopulmonary resuscitation which is the opposite of what I need even a home health aid would be helpful right now. They see in a new death experience NDE people see darkness, but then they see a bright light. I close my eyes the angina strong I left arm is killing me and I can hardly breathe, but I don’t see any light. I close my eyes and pray. It was near a meal time. They check on me or toileting time but I don’t think it’s either at least it isn’t bedtime then it’ll be totally screwed.

Maybe a relative will visit you know what to do, but I haven’t seen my family in months so it’s unlikely and I don’t think any of the nurses are psychic. They say there are five stages of dying: denial, anger, bargaining, depression acceptance, but me I have seven minutes for all five stages I tried to say help again, but it sounds like glossolalia.

They say time is relative or maybe they say time is a relative. Then I hear it, the answer to my prayer. Someone says, “ Oh my God, Jeff are you OK?” I do my best to answer. No, they move the wheelchair off me and feel me they see them wet all over not soiled wet but wet Idiot cause their supervisor and asked what to do. The supervisor comes slower than they should and does take my vitals and call an ambulance. Einstein said that he equals MC squared. How true. I’m sure it’s only been two minutes but it feels like 10 days. When will I hear the sirens? When will the stretcher be here? When will the EMTs arrive? Will it be too late? Maybe they will need to perform CPR but at that point it will be pointless. I’ll be DOA I wait and they tell me to think calm thoughts things like looking at a fish tank or a commotion or something in nature I keep listening for the sirens, but don’t hear them yet. I talked to God and the angels but they don’t seem to answer so I wait Remember the serenity prayer. Dinner says I shouldn’t die because they hate paperwork and there’s a lot of paperwork with death. How much they care about me here

But it doesn’t make sense. I worked out my whole life. In the film Schizopolis it says Latent lifestyle causes a heart attack and I’ve been active my whole life of weight lifted. I played sports so maybe this is just heartburn but then why am I sweating and why would my left arm hurt? Maybe I’m not a hypochondriac and maybe this is the real thing. I try to tell them what to do but they can’t understand me. I try to get them to get out a defibrillator but over here is da de do but maybe it’s OK. My body felt like a prison cell for a long time and maybe this is God answering my prayers to be normal again Normal people die. And there are no disabilities in heaven. I lay there and breathe as slowly as I can with all the pain. Maybe this is what childbirth feels like is a point where the body to deal with the pain becomes numb because I can’t deal with the pain anymore with this is the final stage before I go to the white light I hear a quiet hum that’s the beginning of the sirens. Maybe I’m not fucked after all.