Travels with my aunt

See you later boys

See you later mummy

I’ll see you tomorrow

What!?

I’m staying overnight with aunty Dee, so I’ll see you tomorrow, George.

Ok

It’s ok daddy’s here and Johnny to terrorise

Ok

Bye Hun have a lovely time

Thanks, you too, have a lovely time. Would you like some ear buds?

Ha!

No seriously

I’ll be ok. Separate rooms this year so should be fine. No trying to nod off and then Dee mentioning something harrowing from the news. Ok see you boys tomorrow. Bye Johnny mwah.

********

Hi treas

Hi treas

Let me open the car door for you so we can get out of this grim weather.

Oh, don’t worry. I think it’ll be ok.

Oh, this is so exciting. I’ve been looking forward to this for weeks. Thanks for picking me up and driving

Of course. I know, I can’t wait

How are the boys?

Good thanks.

Will they cope without you?

We’re only going for 24 hours. Less than!

I know.

I’ve bought them some rump steaks to appease them so I’m sure they’ll be fine.

Shall I pop your bags in the back?

Oh, thank you.

Sorry if the car smells a bit

Oh no it’s fine. Does it smell of Johnny?

A bit. Hard to get rid of the damp dog smell sometimes. We took him out this morning and we all got soaked.

You took him out in this?

Oh yes, we always go out, no matter the weather.

I’m so impressed

Right. Doors to manual check

Seatbelt check

Bags check

Oh I’ve got wine for later

Check

Let’s go

Oh I’m so excited. I tell you I can’t wait to escape from little Bude for a night

I know it’ll be good. Alway good to get away for a bit of cult-cha

Bit gossipy really but do you know why indie lost her job? Was she fired?

Goodness straight in there

It’s ok, you don’t have to say.

I would say but I honestly have no idea

Sam said she was fired for bullying

Yes but that’s coming from Sam and you know what they think of each other

Well yes.

They are so similar. I honestly don’t know. I don’t even care really as it’s a bit boring. Office politics

I just think it’s young to retire at 46.

I know, Jim keeps asking me when I’m going to retire. I wouldn’t want to. I like my job and its so flexible. It gives me time to do other things.

Exactly. It’s strange because I just don’t know why she dosent work but then Jim works so hard.

I know.

I do worry about him. He works so hard. He seems to push it in both bends. In the gym at 4 and then working a very long day.

I don’t think he handles stress very well

No he definitely dosent…hence the gym being a good stress reliever

Are we going the right way?

Sorry I was on autopilot. I’ll turn around. I forgot I’m not doing the school run.

If you just turn in here that should be fine.

I’m so excited to stay in in stow at the commodore hotel. It looks gorgeous

I know it’s so lovely. It’s lovely and light which is great as my sight is terrible.

Hopefully better than last year

Oh yes the Durant hotel is just so dark and Stade

I popped in to see your mum and dad yesterday

Oh yes

And Sam was there

Oh right

I am so worried

I am really worried

She was talking at great length about this nanny that had come to see her for an interview

What a joke. Nanny.

She’s paying an agency, but she said she wasn’t right. She asked Sam to show her how she puts him down to sleep

Oh yes

Well it was a bit awkward because she dosent

She barely puts him down at all

Oh dear

I said you could go in for an hour or so for the next interview

I’m actually quite busy

I think she just needs a second opinion

Can’t mum go?

I think she’s exhausted

I find the whole thing a nightmare

I know

Poor mum and dad

I know

The thing I really don’t understand is if she’s really unwell and she admits that why has she had a child? She can’t look after herself let alone a baby!

I know.

And where’s the dad?

He’s in Bristol apparently

What a joke

Mum and dad have worked hard for all of our lives and all of their loves. It’s their time to slow down. They need to go on holiday

I agree. If they went away we’d be here anyway

I know. Jim and I talked about booking something

I think they feel too anxious about going away

I feel they’re being manipulated

I agree. There is definitely manipulation

Ok I think the turning is coming up

Oh yes I’ll let you concentrate

Here we go

And I think it’s just further along from what I remember from last year

Yes it’s just before we get to the town

Oh yes here’s the turning

Aah clever girl well done. I would never have remembered that

Have you eaten something this morning

Oh yes we had scrambled eggs and bacon

What did you have?

I had half a banana and a decaf coffee

Mmm

Well we’ve got time. We can grab something to eat . I’m sure there will be lots of food vans

Ok here we go. Goodness the field looks like the Somme

Oh no will it be ok to park?

And there isn’t a single Marshall to ask.

Right I’m going to go for it. Oh no the wheels don’t like that. Right if I go forwards and then try and reverse. Ok I think that’s ok. What was that noise? I realise we have had a lot of rain in the past 24 hours. Yikes

Ok see I’ll grab your Mac . Do you want anything else from the back?

No that’s fine. Thank you. You are good looking after me like this

Ok the rain has eased off but let’s go steady. Do you want me to take your arm?

No that’s fine treas

Ok there seems to have plenty of food vans in this field. Oh and they’ve listened to the feedback.

They’ve got luxury loos rather than those festival style Portaloo’s

Oh I know.

Shall we go into the Waterstones tent and see what’s going on and then we can grab something to eat before we see sander?

Sounds good

Good afternoon

Good afternoon

Do come in

We’re here to see Alexander Armstrong but just wanted to have a look

Oh look Dee they’ve got his book. I’ll come and buy after the talk. Right shall we grab something to eat and drink

What do you fancy.

Ooh those bacon buttys look good. Or there is a veggie van and then an ice cream van so that’s about it.

Shall we go for some buttys?

Perfect!

Good afternoon what can we get you?

Please may we have two buttys?

Is a brioche bun ok for both of you?

Oh yes perfect thanks. How’s it going?

Yes good . It’s been really busy. Thursday was really busy, yesterday was really wet so I don’t k ow if that out a few people off and then today I think it’s going to be busy. Here you go ladies. Any sauces?

No thank you. This is great.

Dee shall we grab a coffee?

Yes lovely

What would you like?

I’ll have a latte

Two lattes please

Perfect thanks. Here you go ladies

Thank you

Ok dee the rubber Matt is here so if we head to the tent

Great thank you. It’s ok I can see that

and relax

This is lovely. Shame about the roll.

Love a bacon butty. I hope the weather calms down. Hope I didn’t get stuck in the field.

I’m sure it’ll be ok

That was delicious. Shall we head to the tent to see him?

Yes let’s go

Good afternoon ladies. Please may I take your names?

The tickets are booked under Rebecca vickerstaff

Oh yes here you are. If you see Jill over there she’ll point out where to ait

Thank you

Hello, if you could sit just behind the front row. We’ve reserved these seats for the children

Lovely. Is that ok with you Dee?

Yes perfect thanks

I’m so excited. Love Alexander. Kieron listens to classic FM each morning and it’s his bit of joy.

We’ve also started watching danger mouse with George and Alexander is the voice of danger mouse

Good afternoon all and welcome to a very wet and windy Appledore. Thank you so much to our sponsor for today - Atlantic village, the wonderful shopping outlet in north Devon.

Well I’m very excited to say we have Laura James from our local radio station and BBC recon interviewing Alexander Armstrong today.

Alexander or sander is an English actor, comedian, radio personality and television presenter. He is the host of the BBC One game show Pointless, and is a weekday morning-show presenter on Classic FM. Armstrong is a member of the comedy duo Armstrong and Miller, with Ben Miller and many here today will know him as the voice of danger mouse and hey duggee. Without further ado, I’m delighted to welcome Laura james and Alexander Armstrong on stage.

Good afternoon Alexander

Good afternoon Laura

Welcome to Appledore

This is just so exciting. I am loving this tent.

How are you?

Yes very well. Very well.

so you’re here today to talk about your new book…

Yes I’ll tell you where I got the ideas from

Goodness that was amazing.

I know wasn’t he wonderful

I know and the way he invites those children on stage. I wish I’d brought George

I thought the child at the end was going to steal the show.

I bet he had coco pops for breakfast

Right shall we head to the car? I think it’s starting to get heavier.

Ok it’s looking more like the Somme

We did have a lot more rain when we were in the tent

Ok, let’s see how we go

Right the wheels done seem to like that

There are some volunteers. Let me ask one of them. Good afternoon would you mind giving us a hand? We appear to be stuck. Of course, if you put your foot on the accelerator and gently give it some revs and I’ll get the lads.

Boys, over here, can you give it some means miss and we’ll push. Nice and gently

Oh this is a nightmare darling

No it’s fine. Here we go. And we’re off. Thanks ever so!

You may want to take your car to the car wash.

Indeed. I have no idea why they didn’t think this through. They knew it was going to rain. I don’t know why they didn’t put that rubber matting down.

One for the feedback form

Right off we go to the hotel

Is it the turning on the left or right

Let me put it in the satnav

Right turning. We’ll be there in 4 minutes

I do love instow

I do too. I think it’s all the London types with second homes. Gives it a bit of class

Don’t let the locals hear you say that.

I know. Lynch all those who work hard!

Right what’s going on ahead?

Mmm why is that bus stopped?

Oh I see, there’s a lot of water.

Right.

Ok bus is now moving but I think that’s too much water

Oh look that car is going through

Yes but it’s too deep. I’ll wreck the car.

I think you can go through the back.

Fine, here we go

Oh you are good

It’s fine. Not a problem

When we lived in Sussex I couldn’t understand people going through pools of water and getting stuck

Ok this looks steep, I’ll take the next turning down. Still a bit of water but fine. I’ll park on the hill at the top ..hopefully the water won’t reach that far.

Goodness it’s become so windy. Right I’ll grab our bags Dee and then we better head for the entrance.

Ok here we go

Good afternoon and welcome to the commodore

Goodness what crazy weather

Let me take your bags. I’ll check you in and prepare some tea for you

Thank you that sounds amazing

We’ve just been to the book festival

Oh yes I’ve heard the parking was interesting.

Yes it was like the Somme

Well I’ll take your bags to your room and here are the key fobs. Will you be eating with us?

Yes please could we have a table for 7?

Of course and will anyone be joining you?

No just the two of us

Lovely

Right Dee let’s go. There are some stairs here. Rooms 18 and 19.

Oh we’re not together?

No they said one room had a small bed

Probably best as I’ll be up and down in the night. Do you fancy a bit of wine before dinner?

Perfect. What’s the time now? 5.30…shall we say 6 for aperitivos in my room before we head down?

That sounds great.

Knock knock.

Who’s there?

Ha ha!

Come in dee. Look I’ve got a nice little seating area with a view over the estuary. Its gorgeous. Lovely rooms. Love all the art deco vibes.

Its lovely. So going back to the Sam situation. What are we going to do?

About what?

Well she cant carry on like this.

I know but its always been the Sam dee. It was her choice to have a child and I don’t know why she decided to have one with carlo. He’s like the dregs in a nightclub and even if you were absolutely tiddly you still wouldn’t go there. Hes got two other children he dosent see and I just get so cross about it. That’s why I’m steering clear.

I know.

Mum wants me to get involved as for some reason everyone thinks Sam was hands on in raising george. The truth of it was, mum and dad would pay for her to stay somewhere expensive. Shed spend all her time on the phone or messaging indie’s cousin, Sonu which doesn’t help their relationship and then she’d roll out of bed mid afternoon while I waited for her to show.

I didn’t realise that.

I don’t think anyone does. I think you, Mum and Dad only hear one side. She probably moans about jim and I because we have our own lives and choose not to get involved in what is a very unhealthy situation.

I just worry about that poor little mite.

I know. Shas very selfish for entering such a big decision. I’ve wanged on enough.

I’ve got some pringles…