A Beautiful Sickness

I feel a pang in my chest as I stare at him. He doesn’t know what I’m feeling. Hell, nobody does. I am the only one who can feel this way - or at least, I think I am.

“Jodie, why are you staring at me?” he asked. I laughed and replied with “Just zoning out!” as I always do. I repeatedly find myself staring at him and his coffee brown eyes. I get lost in those eyes. But nobody else knows how to drown in eyes like I do. I don’t know what this feeling is, but I have an idea at least.

In schools, they teach us of this old feeling that the elders call love. Apparently, something happened about a hundred years ago, but it is even too dark that they can’t teach it to us in schools. Then, this feeling just vanished. We all know nothing about it, but I can’t help but wonder if I’m feeling it now.

“Jodie, help me with these boxes,” he called out to me, and I wiped my now sweaty palms on my pants.

“Sure, Gabriel,” I called back, pulling my hair into a ponytail.

I grabbed one of the big utility boxes Gabriel was handling and dragged it to the station, then took a deep breath.

“How do you do this all day everyday?” I asked Gabriel with a little pant for drama. He rolled his eyes and smirked. “It’s not that hard, Jodie,” he said. I smiled, feeling my heart skip a little bit.

Wait.

Hearts do not skip, right? Hearts pump blood in the circulatory system, and hearts are for living. Not skipping, like rocks that you throw across a bay. Only for living.

He laughed a little as I walked over to him, my knee giving out, causing me to trip over a loose rock.

“Hey, don’t laugh at me!” I exclaimed, giggling a little myself.

“Okay,” he responded with another laugh. No, I thought, don’t stop laughing. Don’t stop talking. Keep talking, keep laughing. I want to hear it.

I cocked my head at the thought and then said goodbye to Gabriel, on my way to pick up my little brother, James, from school.

I shoved my clammy hands into my pockets, cursing sweat glands for existing. My feet moved in sync, hips swaying to the walk. Gabriel made me feel… happy.

We’ve known each other for five years. Back when we were in school, we were just there. We knew each other enough to be friends, but we had our own groups. But then, I started noticing little things. How he blew his bangs out of his face when he was working hard. His coffee brown eyes, and how they would crinkle when he smiled. His smile, how his mouth moved when he talked to me. How he was always eager to help. The way he held James in his arms as our mother laid on her deathbed. I felt different around him.

Suddenly, I snapped out of the Gabriel thoughts and walked into the school, where James was sitting down on a red chair that looked like it was attacked by a tiger. But hey, this school was free, and it was still a school, so it’s okay. He gets one meal for free, so nothing else really matters.

“Hey, bud!” I exclaimed as he ran up to me, his head reaching up to my waist.

“Jodie, Jodie, guess what I learned about today!” he yelled, and I brought my finger to my lips, indicating for him to turn the volume down. He whispered sorry, and then I went over to the desk woman, Sheryl, and checked him out of after-school. She gave me a pitiful smile, and I wished I could spit. Mom died almost a year ago. Actually, a year on Sunday, but people were still giving us discounts, deals, and pitiful smiles. I despised it.

I gave her a half smile, then walked James out of the school and home.

“So, sorry about the interruption,” I say to James as I reach for his little hand to hold, “what did you learn about today?”

“Oh!” he said all cheerful, “We learned about history, and we did a craft! I have it in my backpack.”

“That’s so cool, James!” I said, and then walked up our concrete steps to reach the house.

After I unlocked the door, he dug into his backpack to find the craft. Running into the kitchen, which I kept in mind when I bought the grip socks he was wearing, he showed it to me.

It was a big, red heart, colored out of the lines on a piece of paper. My stomach turned at the picture, looking like it belonged in a hospital, and not in a child’s hand.

“We learned about the forgotten feeling, Jodie,” he said, and then he ran off to put the craft back in his bag. Later, when he was asleep, I would grab that craft and burn it.

I bathed James, helped him step into his pajamas, and sang him a lullaby to sleep. The lullaby was one our mom would sing to us. It’s almost the only thing I can remember from her.

My voice grew quieter as James’ eyes became more heavy, and I repeated the chorus.

Through the thicket, over the fence, I’ll always love you.

In the deep water, drowning in the mud, I’ll always love you.

Don’t forget, I’ll always love you.

When I knew he was finally asleep, I kissed his forehead. “Goodnight, James,” I whispered in his ears. He wrapped his hands around his stuffed dinosaur and curled into a ball.

As I got ready for bed, I thought about Gabriel.

I went to sleep with a smile on my face.

The next morning, I awoke to James crawling all over me, whimpering like a dog.

“James, what’s wrong?” I asked him as he finally found a fetal position and stayed there, silent tears dripping down his cracked cheeks.

“Did you have a nightmare?” I asked him again, and I got a silent nod in return. He has nightmares every now and then, usually about Mom. I do as well, but I stay strong for him. Besides, I can always talk to Gabriel about it.

I wrapped my arms around him and sighed, glad that it was a Saturday. Well, I didn’t get to see Gabriel, so.

After we got ready for the day, I prepared James breakfast. A bowl of cinnamon oatmeal, his favorite. It was Gabriel’s favorite too.

Wait, hold on…

Why am I constantly thinking about Gabriel? We’re just friends. Just friends. Nothing more. Besides, if you want to be anything more than that, you have to be assigned a partner by the government, and even then, your only purpose is to reproduce. Otherwise, everybody is just friends. Before the forgotten feeling, the elders say that you could be more, but you can’t do that anymore.

“James, we’re going on an adventure!” I exclaimed, hitting my spoon down on the table. He looked at me with a sparkle in his eyes as he looked up from his steaming oatmeal.

“Cool! Where is this adventure?” he asked, finishing up his meal.

“Outside, but the rest is top secret,” I replied. He laughed and then placed his bowl in the sink like I do, and then he put on his favorite tennis shoes.

I put on my shoes too, the ones with a hole in the side. I have had them since our mom died, and my feet have never gotten bigger, but James’ has, so we can save for his shoes. I don’t need any.

“Is this going to be a big, medium, or small adventure?” he asked as we prepared to leave the house.

“Medium, but it could be big if you wanted it to be,” I said. He grinned and then we turned off the lights, locking the door behind us.

“Alright,” I said to James, “now for your adventure. We’re going to be scavenger hunters today, okay?”

“Yes!” he cheered.

“Cool, okay, so, I made a quick list of things we can find outside. Here,” I handed him the list, which included pine cones, a leaf, a bird, a snake, and some other random nature things.

“This is an easy list, Jodie,” James whined, “your lists are usually so hard!”

“So you’re mad that this is easy?” I teased.

“Yes, because I like a nice challenge,”

“Okay, well… look at the back of the paper.” he flipped the page over, and his eyes immediately starting glowing.

“No way! I have to find the rarest type of all of this? That’s almost too hard, Jodie!” he said, but he still had a massive smile on his face.

“Yep, and, find two of the snakes,” I boasted, making sure that this would take as long as it could. We didn’t need to be cooped up in the house.

“I’m so excited!” James yelled, and then the trees rustled with annoyed birds. I smiled and then started a timer, signaling him to go. He burst off running, and I followed him, making sure he stayed in my view.

“Jodie? What are you doing here?” a voice boomed from behind me. My muscles tensed, and I took a sharp breath as I turned.

Gabriel.

My heart leaped, performing a gymnastics routine that it had never done before. Hearts are not supposed to do this.

“Just having an adventure with James,” I said, smiling. He sighed, and then walked up to me.

“Do you ever have the feeling that we’re the only people in the world?” he whispered, staring in my eyes. I was drowning in those eyes. I was drowning, and I didn’t want to be saved.

“Yeah,” I said quietly, suddenly aware of the way the leaves sounded in the wind. I gazed into his eyes and then took his hand in mine.

“I don’t know what this feeling is, but I want to be with you, Jodie,” he spoke softer now, and his mouth curved upwards in a smile.

“This is sickness,” I started to say, and then he took my face in his hands, running his thumb on my cheek.

“It’s beautiful, though,” he murmured. I nodded, and then he pressed his lips to mine.

As he pulled away, I laughed, feeling drunkenly happy. This is how Gabriel made me feel. I always want to feel this way.

I’m not the only one who feels this way.

But I still find myself feeling as if I’m the only one who can drown in his brown eyes.