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Weekly Contest #376
Fresh Blood The phones were ringing off the hook during the community’s annual blood drive. “Hello, how may I help you?” “Is this the Blood Bank?” “Yes, it is.” “Do you have evening hours?” “Yes, Tuesdays and Thursdays we’re open until nine.”’ “Thank you.” ---------- The elderly woman at the counter had never seen anything like their latest arrival- tall, thin, pale, pitch-black slicked back hair, piercing blue eyes, a bright white shirt, and a black cape. “Thank you for coming to the Blood Bank.” “I’d like a gallon. What’s the cost on that?...
Weekly Contest #375
Tommy and the Dead Guy Tommy Martin looked like a normal ten-year-old. He wasn’t. “Tommy! Get moving! You’re going to be late for school!” “I can’t go to school today, Mom. It’s too dangerous.” “What are you talking about? What’s too dangerous?” “I saw a dead bird, and that’s a bad omen. I’ll have to stay home today.” “I don’t think so, Tommy. And where did you see a dead bird?” “He’s in our refrigerator.” “What? In our refridg… Tommy, that’s the chicken we’re having for dinner tonight.” “He’s dead, isn’t he?” “Sorry, Tommy, that doesn’t cou...
Weekly Contest #373
Chicken Little Nails It As the name might suggest, Chicken Little was the smallest critter in the barnyard, but somehow the loudest. He was also the fastest on two legs, especially when racing downhill to alert his fellow farm friends of approaching danger. “The sky is falling! The sky is falling!” One would think that a warning of such magnitude might trigger some movement down on the farm, but all the animals remained still as stone. The boy may have cried “wolf”, but Chicken Little cried just about everything. The horse was not amused. “...
Weekly Contest #372
Hunger can be satisfied, thirst quenched, love fulfilled, puzzles solved, games won or lost. There is a finality that eases the mind, puts the matter, in some fashion, good, bad, or indifferent, to rest. For Matt, it was the one critical element of his existence that he couldn’t resolve and bring to conclusion- how did we get here, and what happens next? It wasn’t so much a search for the meaning of his life as it was the idea of life itself. Taking on the challenge to find the answer that had evaded the greatest minds in history- Aristotle,...
Weekly Contest #369
Get Your Tired, Your Poor, and Your Huddled Masses Out of Here “Patriotism is supporting your country all the time, and your government when it deserves it.” -Mark Twain My grandmother had a simple guiding principle in life- be kind. That’s good advice for how people should treat one another. Perhaps it would be a better world if it also applied to our institutions. I’m an old guy, but I’m still trying to learn. Frequent weeks-long visits to my daughter in Colorado have taught me quite a bit. I compare the experience to watching a football ...
Weekly Contest #368
Beam There were many things 13-year-old Luke Martin didn’t understand about life- how the stars managed to stay up there, why Susie Smith didn’t like him, how a baseball can curve, and why God made broccoli, to name a few. “Linda, why even try with the broccoli? You know he won’t eat it.” “It’s good for him, Roger.” “Not if he doesn’t eat it.” The battle of wills had gone on for years. His mother made broccoli, and Luke refused to eat it. The smell of broccoli simmering in the frying pan didn’t slowly waft its way through the house until it...
Weekly Contest #366
Profile “Happiness is not having what you want. Happiness is wanting what you have.” -Rabbi Schachtel, The Real Enjoyment of Living Crude, possibly offensive, lowbrow humor “She’s got her now, Dougie. She’s about to tap out. Get your dollar ready.” “Not so fast, Wally. My girl…” TV Announcer: “Look at that! What a reversal! Ooo, that must have hurt. Greta is still the champ.” Wally’s expression suggested he had been there before. “Here’s your dollar. I want to see a sex test done on her.” “Sore loser.” Wally appeared thoughtful as he scanned...
Weekly Contest #365
Judge Not “The best way to destroy an enemy is to make him a friend.” -Abraham Lincoln Grade school football may lack the glamour and excitement of Friday night lights, but there is no lack of effort on the field during the Saturday afternoon games. Every game has meaning to the players, but the upcoming contest was special as the Lincoln Lions had lost to their arch-rival, the Jefferson Pirates, 3 years in a row. “Do you think we have a chance against Jefferson, Matt?” “Of course we do, Will. We play our game, cut out the mistakes, and we ...
Weekly Contest #364
Two Men and a Toilet “To live without hope is to cease to live. Hell is hopelessness. It is no accident that abovethe entrance to Dante’s hell is the inscription: Leave behind all hope you who enter here.” -Fyodor Dostoevsky “Walter, where do you think they get the air they put in here?” “Oh, I don’t know, Frank. I think it comes from a morgue or a funeral home. They bag it and bring it here. Or maybe they collect all the socks from the players after a double-overtime NBA game and put them in here and let them ferment for a while. What do y...
Weekly Contest #361
The Chicago Cubs and the Summer of ‘69 “The love that lasts the longest is the love that is never returned.” -W. Somerset Maugham The idiom that a child will learn from touching a hot stove does not, unfortunately, apply to adults and matters of the heart. Herb had been burned every summer for 24 years. The summer of ’69 dealt the most crushing blow. By September, his heart wasn’t just broken; it was empty. Herb had a crush on Sally Marks in the 8th grade. He was smitten with Molly Berg in high school. He was enamored with Jane Wadkins in ...
Weekly Contest #355
The Good Inside All of Us “The line dividing good and evil cuts through the heart of every human being.” -Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn It is only natural that we see ourselves as the center of the universe. We see from within, so how could it be otherwise? Henry found it troubling that the world would keep spinning, shoppers would keep shopping, cars would continue speeding down roadways, and children would still be playing, the moments following his exit from this world. Shouldn’t people care enough about his passing that they should stop doing ...
Weekly Contest #351
On the 8th Day… “I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.” -Mark Twain Michael stood on the raised podium, director’s wand in hand, facing the massive Heavenly Choir and the Seraphim Symphony Orchestra. He appeared calm, but his insides were in turmoil. His boss was hard to please, and this was the big event, opening night, give it your all, break a wing. With a swift swipe of his wand, the legions of performers broke the silence with a tedious rendition of Michael’s latest composition, an enduring opus whose musical...
Weekly Contest #350
Raising Matt “Parenting: The days are long, but the years are short.” -Gretchen Rubin Jim Valvano was dying from cancer when he gave his acceptance speech upon receiving the Courage Award at the 1993 ESPY’s. His frail body struggled to get on and off the stage, but his message was powerful: “You need to laugh every day.” Laughter, good for the soul, seek it out every day, and cherish the moment. Life is too hard without it. A smile, however slight or fleeting, can offer that much-needed respite from the rigors of today’s world and recharge ...
Weekly Contest #343
Three Minutes and Twenty-seven Seconds on the Scoreboard Clock “Life isn’t a matter of milestones, but of moments.” -Rose Kennedy It is one of the things that makes us human; a child’s pain hurts the parent even more. The scoreboard clock told Marty there were only three minutes and twenty-seven seconds remaining of such suffering. It was the last game of his son’s eighth-grade season, and soon it would all be over. A sit-down meal at Wendy’s after the game, a hamburger, fries, and a large Frosty, Timmy’s favorite combo, and his painful bas...
Weekly Contest #338
The Hand We Are Dealt (Offensive language from bullies toward persons with disabilities) “In nature, there’s no blemish but the mind. None can be called deformed but the unkind.” – William Shakespeare The high rollers in Vegas don’t all get the same hand. Same thing for kids. It was a different time. Kids made the neighborhoods in the cities. Touch football, basketball, and games like Simon Says and Ghost were all played in the narrow alley behind modest, well-kept homes. Trick-or-Treating was done at homes known to their parents. Kids walke...
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