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Weekly Contest #277
What’s in a Name?“A rose by any other name would smell as sweet…”Shakespeare; Romeo and JulietJudge Lester Larson’s Courtroom:Judge: “And you are here today to have your name legally changed?”Petitioner: “Yes, your Honor. That is correct.”Judge: “And what is your name now, sir?”Petitioner: “Bob Shits.”Judge: "Oh, my goodness, young man. How dreadful. I can certainly see why you want to change your name. You won’t need to give any testimony. Petition granted. And what would you want to change your name to?”Petitioner: “Joe Shits.”Judge: “Uh… ...
Weekly Contest #276
“Why Not Me, Lord?” “Atheists who keep asking for evidence of God’s existence are like fish in the ocean asking for evidence of water.”  ...
Weekly Contest #275
Dead Man Watching“I’m not afraid of death; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.”-Woody AllenI’m dead now, and let me tell you it’s not all that it’s cracked up to be. No one is running around in a puffy burnt orange shirt that one of the Three Musketeers left behind, molding gooey pottery stuff to music with some hot chick, or dragging some psychotic kid who sees dead people all over town. No, it’s a pretty static, uneventful existence, and cold… and dark… all the time. And my wife got me a bargain basement casket. I think she got ...
Weekly Contest #273
Wishing Words ♫“Fairy tales can come true…”♫- Jiminy CricketDear Diary,Hank says diaries are just for girls. Let’s hope he never finds out I’m doing this… or any of the guys. Mom says...
Weekly Contest #272
Horrors!Dennis Hopper- Speed: “If the bus goes below 50 mph, it blows up.”Murray Burns- Reedsy: “If you stop reading this, it blows up in your face.”Or… pick three of the following terrible events that will befall you should you choose to stop reading. They’re broken down into categories to make it easier for you. If you don’t get far enough to make an informed decision, three random selections will be made for you. Make your selection below with an X:_____ Have this blow up in my face. &n...
The Friendly Phantom“A man’s got to know his limitations.”-Clint Eastwood/Dirty HarryOut and About the Town on a Chilly October Evening-“Boo!”Nothing.“Boo!!”Nothing.“BOO!!!”Worse than nothing- laughter.Wilbur dreaded turning in his tally sheet for the day at this evening’s meeting at the PIA (Poltergeists in Action) Lodge. Thirteen attempts; the number of people frightened- zero. Damien won’t be happy. Wilbur again felt like a complete failure as he slowly made his way back to the Lodge.The PIA Lodge-“Gosh, Wilbur, you’re almost late ag...
Weekly Contest #271
Luck of the Draw“Nobody gets justice- people just get good luck or bad luck.”- Orson Welles“I’ll have the rent on Monday, Mrs. Bruno.”“That’s what you said last week, Henry, and the weekend before that.”Thirty-six years old and unable to pay the rent on his rundown Woodlawn basement apartment. The walls were closing in, all youthful dreams of the good life having been abandoned years ago. Henry bounced around from meaningless job to meaningless job and often relied solely on hi...
Weekly Contest #270
The Puppy Pokey“Life is unfair.”  ...
Weekly Contest #269
The Elusive Genie “Most people are about as happy as they make their minds up to be.” &...
Weekly Contest #268
No Do-overs“I shall pass this way but once; therefore, any good that I can do or any kindness I can show to any human being, let me do it now. Let me not defer nor neglect it, for I shall not pass this way again.”- Ralph Waldo EmersonDear future me,Don’t settle.Sincerely,Present SelfJohn thought it was clever, short, and to the point, good advice for any young person about to leave high school and wade off into the great unknown. A positive message- dream, strive, and make...
Weekly Contest #267
Reaching for the Wind “Tis better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.” &n...
Weekly Contest #266
Oops“Timing is everything.”-Shakespeare (Or was it Bob Hope?)(Language) It’s the business world’s version of a frontal lobotomy. Sitting in a cramped cubicle for years crunching numbers until they all look the same. Accounting- one of the more meaningless activities contrived by man that provide a nice distraction from doing something that matters.Bob had been chained to this mind-numbing task for seventeen years. He hated everything about it.- The 35-minute drive in congested traffic into the city… especially in the winter… even more s...
Weekly Contest #263
Strange Bedfellows on Fravert Avenue“The enemy of my enemy is my friend.”- Ancient proverb.Throughout the course of human history, bitter rivalries have always piqued the interest of the masses. The Hatfield and McCoys, the Greeks and the Persians, Godzilla and King Kong quickly come to mind. But on Fravert Avenue in this small Colorado town, the unsettling hostilities between Herb Farnsworth and Scottie Shlep will forever reign supreme over the topic of guys who just couldn’t ...
Weekly Contest #258
The Way Life Should Have Been “Anything you can imagine is real.” - Pablo Picasso Henry’s night ended in the usual fashion. Turn off a movie he had little interest in, struggle to get out of his recliner, shuffle across the worn linoleum kitchen floor, and slowly make his way down the rickety wood stairs to the basement rec room he never got around to finishing. It was Henry’s time, a therapeutic dose of melancholy minutes to enjoy life the way the Creator must have intended. He had installed paneling on just o...
Weekly Contest #252
A Matter of ConscienceThe middle child, often struggling for the table scraps of left-over attention lavished on the more accomplished older brother and the oh-so-cute little sister.Average height.Average weight.Average looks.Straight C’s on every report card from First Grade through his Sophomore year in high school, a feat that should have garnered some notice in and of itself but didn’t.Last kid on the bench in every team he ever played on.Even Christened with the most ordinary of names- Bob- frontward and backward the same.Junior year in...
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