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Weekly Contest #279
Bite Me “All those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music.” -Fredrich Nietzsche Shady Lawn Hospital for People Who Have Gone Woo-woo “Doctor Flang, your next patient is here. Mr. Z. Omby. He has insurance and his appointments are fully covered.” “Good, good. And what’s his problem, Becky?” “He thinks he’s a zombie.” “Wow, the guy must really be off his rocker. Show him in.” Mr. Omby shuffled his way into Dr. Flang’s office. He was a tall man, with weathered skin and shaggy hair. He walked stiff-...
Weekly Contest #278
Thanks, But No Thanks “Thanksgiving at my inlaws is why God invented football on TV.” -Murray Burns The air temperature drops, leaves swirl around patios and swingsets in backyards, and families gather to give thanks in the tradition established in 1621 by hungry Pilgrims and charitable Native Americans of the Wampanoag Confederacy. Miles Standish and Samoset set a tone of peace and harmony that would be remembered and celebrated at dining room tables from Maine to California for years to come. Thanksgiving, the most heartwarming, feel-good ...
Weekly Contest #277
What’s in a Name? “A rose by any other name would smell as sweet…” Shakespeare; Romeo and Juliet Judge Lester Larson’s Courtroom: Judge: “And you are here today to have your name legally changed?” Petitioner: “Yes, your Honor. That is correct.” Judge: “And what is your name now, sir?” Petitioner: “Bob Shits.” Judge: "Oh, my goodness, young man. How dreadful. I can certainly see why you want to change your name. You won’t need to give any testimony. Petition granted. And what would you want to change your name to?” Petitioner: “Joe Shits.” Ju...
Weekly Contest #276
“Why Not Me, Lord?” “Atheists who keep asking for evidence of God’s existence are like fish in the ocean asking for evidence of water.” - Ray Comfort, Christian Evangelist Backstory: It occurred to me that the most important thing in our lives is life itself. That seems pretty obvious. Without life there is nothing. It is unfortunate that most people (me included) spend so little time contemplating the critical components of life- the origin of life, the meaning of life, and the cessation of life. For most of us, sadly, more time is spent f...
Weekly Contest #275
Dead Man Watching “I’m not afraid of death; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.” -Woody Allen I’m dead now, and let me tell you it’s not all that it’s cracked up to be. No one is running around in a puffy burnt orange shirt that one of the Three Musketeers left behind, molding gooey pottery stuff to music with some hot chick, or dragging some psychotic kid who sees dead people all over town. No, it’s a pretty static, uneventful existence, and cold… and dark… all the time. And my wife got me a bargain basement casket. I think she g...
Weekly Contest #273
Wishing Words ♫“Fairy tales can come true…”♫ - Jiminy Cricket Dear Diary, Hank says diaries are just for girls. Let’s hope he never finds out I’m doing this… or any of the guys. Mom says it’s an ok thing to do, you know, so someday when I’m old and can look back and remember my high school years. She says it will help with my writing too. I don’t care so much about that, but I guess it will help with the memories stuff. First day of high school tomorrow! -Jackson Dear Diary, Mom gave me you for my birthday so I might as well use i...
Weekly Contest #272
Horrors! Dennis Hopper- Speed: “If the bus goes below 50 mph, it blows up.” Murray Burns- Reedsy: “If you stop reading this, it blows up in your face.” Or… pick three of the following terrible events that will befall you should you choose to stop reading. They’re broken down into categories to make it easier for you. If you don’t get far enough to make an informed decision, three random selections will be made for you. Make your selection below with an X: _____ Have this blow up in my face. _____Send three of the followi...
The Friendly Phantom “A man’s got to know his limitations.” -Clint Eastwood/Dirty Harry Out and About the Town on a Chilly October Evening- “Boo!” Nothing. “Boo!!” Nothing. “BOO!!!” Worse than nothing- laughter. Wilbur dreaded turning in his tally sheet for the day at this evening’s meeting at the PIA (Poltergeists in Action) Lodge. Thirteen attempts; the number of people frightened- zero. Damien won’t be happy. Wilbur again felt like a complete failure as he slowly made his way back to the Lodge. The PIA Lodge- “Gosh, Wilbur, you’re almost...
Weekly Contest #271
Luck of the Draw “Nobody gets justice- people just get good luck or bad luck.” - Orson Welles “I’ll have the rent on Monday, Mrs. Bruno.” “That’s what you said last week, Henry, and the weekend before that.” Thirty-six years old and unable to pay the rent on his rundown Woodlawn basement apartment. The walls were closing in, all youthful dreams of the good life having been abandoned years ago. Henry bounced around from meaningless job to meaningless job and often relied solely on his veteran’s benefits to pay his bills. The problem...
Weekly Contest #270
The Puppy Pokey “Life is unfair.” -John F. Kennedy Doomed. Destined to join the ranks of Sydney Carton, Edmond Dantès, Jean Valjean, Billy Budd, Dr. Richard Kimball, and Paddington Bear. I hope someone writes a novel about this. Mmm… I wonder who would play me in the movie. Another unsettling stain on the history of mankind- the horror of the unfair administration of justice, indiscriminately applying an unjust law to another innocent victim. I am not Carton. I will not suffer in silence. I will be heard. ---------- My head is still spinn...
Weekly Contest #269
The Elusive Genie “Most people are about as happy as they make their minds up to be.” -Abraham Lincoln “Did you get the Powerball ticket, Larry?” “Yep, right here in my pocket, Wally.” “Did you go with our birthdays this time?” “Nope. I thought I’d try something different. Here, it’s 1-3-10-8-7-4.” “Where’d you come up with that?” “It’s the dates of my Mom’s gall bladder surgery, my sister’s divorce, and the day my dog died.” “Jesus Christ, Larry, that’s sick.” “Well, the happy numbers weren’t working so I thought I’d mix it up a little.” “I...
Weekly Contest #268
No Do-overs “I shall pass this way but once; therefore, any good that I can do or any kindness I can show to any human being, let me do it now. Let me not defer nor neglect it, for I shall not pass this way again.” - Ralph Waldo Emerson Dear future me, Don’t settle. Sincerely, Present Self John thought it was clever, short, and to the point, good advice for any young person about to leave high school and wade off into the great unknown. A positive message- dream, strive, and make the most of your talents. The simplicity reminded ...
Weekly Contest #267
Reaching for the Wind “Tis better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.” - Lord Alfred Tennyson Fate. Who knows what motivates the Master Planner as He moves the pieces around the board? It’s all about time and place. Autumn days bring a crispness to the air that refreshes the mind and body. It’s a splash of cold water in the face that readies one for the day ahead. Sameness, day after day after day, welcomes it. Matt had been mired in that barren land lying somewhere between bored and unhappy for as long as he could remem...
Weekly Contest #266
Oops “Timing is everything.” -Shakespeare (Or was it Bob Hope?) (Language) It’s the business world’s version of a frontal lobotomy. Sitting in a cramped cubicle for years crunching numbers until they all look the same. Accounting- one of the more meaningless activities contrived by man that provide a nice distraction from doing something that matters. Bob had been chained to this mind-numbing task for seventeen years. He hated everything about it. - The 35-minute drive in congested traffic into the city… especially in the winter… even more ...
Weekly Contest #263
Strange Bedfellows on Fravert Avenue “The enemy of my enemy is my friend.” - Ancient proverb. Throughout the course of human history, bitter rivalries have always piqued the interest of the masses. The Hatfield and McCoys, the Greeks and the Persians, Godzilla and King Kong quickly come to mind. But on Fravert Avenue in this small Colorado town, the unsettling hostilities between Herb Farnsworth and Scottie Shlep will forever reign supreme over the topic of guys who just couldn’t get along. No one remembers how it started, not even...
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