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Weekly Contest #297
One Afternoon in a Physical Therapy Waiting Room “Excuse me, Miss, could you hand me one of those magazines?” “Which one?” “I don’t think it matters. They’re all a year old.” The old man laughed and the young girl smiled. Personal connections have been born of less, but none had bridged so many years. Fate has an interesting way of bringing people together, even the very old and the very young, and sometimes in the most surprising of places. “You are going to dramatically affect the average age of the clientele here, young lady. You could br...
Weekly Contest #290
“Friends on Ice” “It’s a great day for hockey.” -Bob “The Hawk” Johnson, former University of Wisconsin hockey coach A visitor couldn’t tell the color of the walls in little Lincoln’s bedroom. They were covered floor-to-ceiling with posters of the all-time hockey greats- Howe guiding the puck down the ice, Gretzky dropping one in coming around the side of the net, Lemieux hoisting the Stanley Cup, and Hashek with a spectacular skate save. Lincoln’s Grandfather was once the stick boy for Chicago’s hockey team, so the Blackhawks were well-repr...
Weekly Contest #289
Herb Meets His Maker…Maybe “Which door will it be?” -Monty Hall “Anything else I can get you, Herb?” “How about a six-pack of Miller Lite and a couple of dancing girls, Sally? Oh, and put the Packers winning the 1st Superbowl on TV.” “I’ll see what I can do.” “Thank you, Nurse Ratched.” “Very funny, Herb.” Knowing in advance that you are dying adds a little extra misery to the event. Herb had known for the last three weeks that he was dying, and at this point, he just wanted to get it over with. He had always hoped for a quick, easy exit out...
Weekly Contest #288
A Rainy Day in 2348 BC “Often it does seem such a pity that Noah and his party did not miss the boat.” -Mark Twain “Looks like quite a storm brewing, Pops. We better call it a day.” “Nope, my itchy toe says no rain today, Shem. You’re just trying to get out of work early. Get back to the sheep.” “You and your stupid itchy toe. I’m telling you this one is going to a barn-buster.” “That’s why I call you ‘Chicken Little’. You worry too much. Now get back to work.” Noah was tough on his kids. His wife, whose name he somehow never learned (he aff...
Weekly Contest #287
Confession is Good for the Soul Timmy always had trouble coloring between the lines, and he questioned why the 6 on his paint-by-number kit didn’t infringe a bit more on the 7. He was disturbed by the differences between blue, light blue, sky blue, and pale blue. Corn Flakes vs. Post Toasties. Coke vs. Pepsi. Porridge vs. oatmeal. It was all so confusing. Timmy wanted clear demarcations for all elements in his life. The subject matter of his angst had always been of little consequence until his 2nd grade class at St. Mary’s began preparation...
Weekly Contest #286
Those Darned Socks “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure.” -Hector Urquhart If Tom Zachery had better stuff that brisk fall day in the Bronx in 1927, none of this might have happened. Working out of a full windup, he delivered a fastball right down the pipe, but the batter showed little interest. Zachery felt he got away with one and threw the next pitch high and out of the strike zone. With only one more game remaining in the season to get it done, the overflow crowd could almost feel the tension and the power in the batter’s grip as t...
Weekly Contest #285
Snowballs, Clown Cakes, And Boots With Buckles “I hope we never lose some of the things of the past.” -Walt Disney I remember… a simpler time. I remember… an industrial suburb, streets lined with towering elms and houses packed in close together, which helped keep the neighbors close. Growing up, I knew every kid on the block, where their parents worked, the car they drove, and even the names of their pets. Today I know the people next door, and I think they have a cat. I remember… playing in the alley with my neighborhood friends. During th...
Weekly Contest #284
The Fortune Cookie “It’s tough to make predictions, especially about the future.” -Yogi Berra Because most people don’t have the answer, they make every effort to avoid the question. Marty had no answers, but he was obsessed with the question. It is generally phrased as "What is the meaning of my life?" Marty liked to simplify things, and he regularly asked himself, "Why am I here?" Guided by a well-intentioned father, Marty’s first plan was to get a college degree, make a decent living, and acquire a lot of stuff. He did all those things an...
Weekly Contest #283
Frozen and Furry Foes “Competition reveals character and tests mental fortitude.” -Oprah Winfrey “Are the new poll results in, Billy?” “Well… maybe, Santa. I’m not sure where they are. I’ll have to…uh…” Billy the Elf was reluctant to report the results. It wouldn’t be the first time Santa shot the messenger. “What’s that you’re holding behind your back?” “Oh, silly me. They’re right here, Santa- the latest Gallop poll on Children’s Favorite Fantasy Characters Who Hand Out Free Stuff.” “Well, let’s hear it.” Billy felt the gloom and doom of r...
Yes No Virginia Timmy, There Is A No Santa Clause “The greatest thing is not to believe in Santa Clause; it is to be Santa Clause.” -Pat Boone At Halloween, Timmy had the discipline and stamina of a long-distance runner. With staggered Trick-or-Treat hours in the communities that were within striking distance, Timmy hauled in more loot than Blackbeard the Pirate. He had the instincts of an Army scout at Easter, and his parents could never find a challenging hiding place for his basket. Timmy dreamed bigger than Walter Mitty at Christmas as...
Weekly Contest #282
Dust to Dust “So whoever knows the right thing to do and fails to do it, for him it is sin." -James 4:17 Life begins at… conception? Heartbeat? Viability? Introduction in to this world? A subject of debate in today’s society. Beginning of life in the Christian community? Not debateable- Baptism. In 1923, St. Patrick’s was the pearl of this industrial suburb of Milwaukee. Today, despite its age, the structure maintains the calming, historic feel of the traditional- six large bronze pendant lights hanging from the ceiling, a mesmerizing statu...
Regrets? Yeah, I’ve Had a Few. “Regrets are the natural property of grey hairs.” -Charles Dickens Perfection evaded me throughout most of my life, so yes, I have much to apologize for. It is uncomfortable to bare my soul to people I’ve never met, but I guess sometimes things are written more for the benefit of the writer than for the reader- a catharsis of the soul. Let’s see how this goes. Regrettable moments are more memorable than happy times. That is the curse of growing old. Per the suggestion of Maria von Trapp, a/k/a Julie Andrews, le...
Weekly Contest #281
Whose Party Is It Anyway? “Many are called, but few are chosen.” -Matthew 22:14 The office Christmas Party. A time to abandon any semblance of workplace propriety, to drink to excess, to vent about the bosses, and to flirt with one’s co-workers safe in the knowledge that unsuccessful attempts could always be blamed on the booze. Wary spouses may insist on attending, but most can roam the hunting grounds uninhibited. Moderation takes a hit as the drinks are on the house at the Company’s annual Christmas Party, and stories of the night’s drunk...
O Tannenbaum!! “Taking down the Christmas tree makes it feel official: time to get back to joyless and cynical.” -Greg Fitzsimmons Marv’s Tree Farm- Endeavor, Wisconsin Evergreens at all stages of development, from the 3” seedings to the twelve footers, dotted the entire 100 acres. There was a wave of change across the landscape each year as mature trees were cut down and replaced by a new, younger crop. November is always a time of great excitement at a Christmas tree farm. “Do you think they’ll chop me down and ship me off somewhere this y...
Weekly Contest #280
The Christmas Wish “Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Clause.” -Francis Pharcellus Church; The New York Sun. December 24th. Last-minute shoppers were scurrying everywhere in search of the perfect gift or, for many, any gift that would fulfill their obligation to bestow a sufficient number of presents on their spouses, children, nieces, nephews, and neighbors. One little girl stood out in the crowd. “Virginia, what are you going to tell Santa you want for Christmas?” There was a look of sadness in the little girl’s dark brown eyes, a marked con...
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