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“Happiness is not having what you want. Happiness is wanting what you have.”

-Rabbi Schachtel, The Real Enjoyment of Living

Crude, possibly offensive, lowbrow humor

“She’s got her now, Dougie. She’s about to tap out. Get your dollar ready.”

“Not so fast, Wally. My girl…”

TV Announcer: “Look at that! What a reversal! Ooo, that must have hurt. Greta is still the champ.”

Wally’s expression suggested he had been there before.

“Here’s your dollar. I want to see a sex test done on her.”

“Sore loser.”

Wally appeared thoughtful as he scanned the living room- an empty pizza box, beer cans strewn about, Riley the dog asleep in the corner, and two near Neanderthals entering the octagon on the TV screen.

“Doug, do you ever think there’s more to life than drinking beer, eating pizza, watching girl fights on TV, and cruisin’ the bars looking for women?”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, we’re 35 years old. Shouldn’t we be doing something more meaningful with our lives than drinking beer and watching girl fights on TV?”

“Not really. Ready to hit the bars, Wally?”

“No, I need to get to bed early. I’m making another marketing presentation to Marge tomorrow. I need to be sharp.”

“Suit yourself. You’re not going to find the girl of your dreams sitting around here.”

“Doug, you're destroying your health with all the drinking, smoking, and staying out until all hours of the night.”

“You forget about my secret weapon.”

Wally looked exasperated.

“Doug, taking two of those One-a-Day vitamin pills every day is not going to save you.”

“We’ll see. Don’t wait up.”

----------

 Wally was seated at his regular table in the Walmart breakroom. His mop and bucket were parked next to him. Maggie was puzzled to see Wally seemingly talking to himself and moving his hands and arms around in the air as she entered the room.

“I’m too tired to guess, Wally. What are you doing?”

“I’m practicing for my presentation to Marge.”

Maggie closed her eyes and shook her head.

“What is it this time?”

“Improved marketing for the hair products. We’ve got… left to right…picture it… conditioner and then shampoo. We should flip it… left to right… shampoo and then conditioner. Get it? Left to right. That’s how people use it. They read left to right, and do other stuff that way too so that it will improve their shopping experience.

Maggie dropped her head.

“I’m sure Marge will be impressed. Wally, why are you always trying to change things around?”

“Maybe I’ll get noticed… you know… and move up… maybe to assistant manager. I want to feel like I’m somebody. I want to do something more important with my life than stock shelves at Walmart.”

“That’s what I do, Wally.”

“Oh, I’m sorry, Maggie. I didn’t mean it that way.”

“That’s ok, Wally.”

Maggie paused and looked down at the table for a moment.

“Say, Wally, Freddie can’t make it to bowling this Friday night. I’m the team captain, so I have to find a replacement. Would you want to fill in for him?”

“You’ve asked me that before, Maggie, but no thanks. I don’t really like bowling.”

Wally didn’t catch the disappointed look on Maggie’s face.

----------

Sometimes Wally and Doug mixed it up a little. Tonight they were drinking beer, eating pizza, and watching football on TV. The conversation again centered on women. Doug’s interest was, as always, focused on his physical needs. Wally sought a more meaningful relationship.

 “How about one of the girls in your line dancing class, Wally?”

“Married or unattractive.”

“Sometimes you have to take what the defense gives you, Wally. What about that Maggie girl you work with? She’s pretty hot… even in that stupid Walmart vest. Oh, sorry.”

“She’s great, but I think she’s out of my league, Doug.”

“Confidence, Wally.”

“Besides, I work with her. It would be awkward if I asked her out and she said no. I have her as a friend, and I don’t want to mess that up.”

Doug’s response reeked of sarcasm.

“Yeah, that’s just what a guy needs, more friends who are girls. I think it’s time to go to Plan B.”

“I don’t know, Doug. I don’t think I’m comfortable with it.”

“I’m telling you, Wally, it’s a gold mine of women. All those shiny little nuggets out there, waiting to be discovered, discovered by you, my friend.”

“It just seems strange to be looking for dates on the Internet. And there are some real weirdos out there who are into a lot of sick stuff.”

Doug turned his head and thought for a moment.

“Yeah… it sure would be terrible to run into one of those.”

Doug and Wally had been friends since the 2nd grade. Doug was a true ladies' man, and he had more girlfriends and sexual escapades than Hugh Hefner; Wally… not so much. Doug was focused on the base pleasures in life, but he knew Wally longed for true love, so he tried to help. It didn’t always work out for the best.

A series of blind dates that Doug had arranged for Wally had been disastrous. Blind date #1 never shut up; #2 said less than 10 words the entire evening; #3 got thrown out of the All-You-Can-Eat Country Buffet for trying to smuggle barbeque ribs out in her purse; #4 got drunk and threw up in Wally’s car; and #5 stole Wally’s car.

“Come on, Wally, you should try it. Take a look at my dating websites page. Pick one, throw in your profile, and get ready for the women to come calling.”

Wally was reluctant, but he knew the risk was less than a blind date, and he was desperate. He pulled a chair up to the table as Doug was opening his laptop.

“Just scroll down the page and see which dating site might work for you.”

“You’re on more than one dating site?”

“Of course. It’s not like fishing when you can only have one line in the water.”

“OK, Doug, but I’m just looking for now. Let’s see…The Love Connection… that sounds nice…Lonely… yeah, that could be the one for me.. Meet Me… gees, Doug, they spelled Meet wrong. They have it m-e-a-t.”

“Uh… actually that is the correct spelling, Wally.”

“Oh, for Christ’s sake, Doug. What is wrong with you?”

“A man has his needs, Wally.”

“Ok, here we go… Find a Friend. Not too aggressive, and it doesn’t sound too pathetic. Ok, Doug, I’m in. Let’s see if I can find a friend.”

Wally types away.

---------

Wally was busy writing when Maggie came into the breakroom. Crumpled-up sheets of paper covered the table.

“What are you doing now, Wally?”

“Doug had me sign up on one of those dating websites. I’m working on my profile.”

“A dating website? You don’t think you could find someone closer to home to date?”

“Not yet. Do you want to see what I have so far? Maybe you could help me.”

Throughout the history of romance, there have been repeated instances of a person being unable to see the forest because of all those damn trees. Wally was perplexed when Maggie abruptly walked out of the room.

----------

Wally was banging away on his laptop when Doug entered the room. Wally turned and flashed a broad smile.

“What’s happening, Wally?”

“I’ll tell you what’s happening. I’ve got a live one on that dating website!”

“I told you!”

Doug rushed over to look at the laptop screen.

“Easy, partner. Play it. Keep her interested. No slack in the line. At the right moment, set the hook!”

“I’m on it. She’s pretty hot lookin’, and she wants to meet me for dinner.”

“No, not dinner, Wally. That’s too risky. In case she’s a real bow-wow, you want to have a quick exit. Meet her for a drink. You can be in and out in 15 minutes if you need to escape.”

“I thought of that, Doug, but she’s insisting on dinner. She says she’ll pay.”

“Hmm, that’s a little different. There’s some risk there, but a free dinner is a free dinner. Let’s see her pic… not bad, not bad at all.”

“And she’s interesting… and funny.”

“Set the hook, man, set the hook.”

“Alright, I’m going to reel her in right now.”

---------

“I’m a little nervous, Maggie. I’ve got a dinner date tonight.”

Maggie responded with noticeable irritation in her voice.

“Really?”

“Yeah, a girl I met on that Internet website.”

“Really?”

“We’re going to the Golden Mast.”

“The Golden Mast? That’s a little pricey, isn’t it?"

“Well, she’s paying.”

“Really? A girl on the Internet offering a free dinner at the Golden Mast just to get a date? Sounds a little scary to me, Wally. Wouldn’t you be better off meeting her for a drink in case she’s a real bow-wow so you could cut out in a hurry?”

A concerned look flashed across Wally’s face.

“Do you think I should bring her flowers?”

“Oh, for sure, Wally. Desperate women trolling for men on the Internet insist on flowers. Why don’t you get her a nice bunch of wilted dandelions? "

Maggie got up from the table and quickly left the room while the oblivious Wally could only wonder why.

---------

Doug was watching his Bears go down while listening to the off off-key crooning coming from Wally’s bedroom.

♪ “When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore…”♪

A smiling Wally entered the living room wearing a dark blue suit, a white shirt, and a bright red tie.

“What the hell, Wally, she wants to go out with you and not your dad.”

“I just want to look good.”

“No, no, no, Wally. Let me get you into the right attire for your big date. We’re the same size, so I’ll get you straightened out.”

“I don’t know, Doug, I think I look pretty good in this suit.”

“Do you want to compare my scorecard to yours?”

Wally acceded to the master, and 10 minutes later he was outfitted in white pants and a floral shirt with puffy sleeves.

“You sure about this, Doug?”

“She’ll love it.”

---------

 Wally sat at a table at the Golden Mast fretting over the upcoming bill for the valet parking. His waiter arrived, wearing the same shirt Wally had on and wrapped in the air of an aristocrat. 

“Good evening, sir. I am Renaldo, and I’ll be serving you this evening. May I get you something from the bar? I like your shirt.”

Wally looked around the room to see if anyone noticed he was wearing the same shirt as the waiter.

“Yes, could you bring me a Miller Lite?”

“What an exciting choice, sir! I’ll get that for you right now.”

“And a couple of menus. I’m waiting for someone.”

“Of course, she’s probably just running a little late. I wouldn’t worry.”

“I’m not worried.”

Wally’s eyes kept bouncing around from his watch to the entrance of the dining room to the menu and back to his watch. Renaldo returned.

“Two menus, sir, and your Miller Lite… and a glass, or do you drink it straight from the bottle?”

Wally looked perturbed.

“A glass, please.”

Wally kept checking the entrance, wondering if every unaccompanied woman was his date for the evening. His watch told him she was already 20 minutes late. He was studying the menu and its exorbitant prices when Renaldo returned.

“Would you like another… beer, sir?”

“Sure.”

“And are you ready to order?”

“No, I’m still waiting for my date.”

“Of course you are, sir. She’s probably still fussing with her hair and makeup. You know how women are. I wouldn’t worry.”

Wally was getting annoyed.

“I’m not worried.”

“Of course you’re not worried, sir. I’ll get that beer for you.”

 Another 15 minutes passed. Renaldo returned.

“Could I get you an appetizer, sir?”

“No, I’m still waiting.”

“She’s probably stuck in traffic. I wouldn’t worry.”

“I’m not worried!”

“Of course you’re not worried. She…oh, wait, this might be her now.”

Wally turned and saw a spunky, weathered older woman dressed in a failed attempt to rekindle her youth and wearing enough makeup to fill the cosmetics counter at Marshall Fields. She walked straight to Wally’s table.

“Well, hello there. I’m Darlene. You must be Willy.”

“Uh… it’s Wally.”

Renaldo returned and gave Wally a skeptical look.

“Can I get the lady something to drink?”

“Yes, a nice red wine, and you can leave the bottle.”

Wally was stunned. His dinner date appeared to be nearly twice his age.

“You look a little different from the picture on Find a Friend.”

“Oh, that was taken a while ago. I keep meaning to update it, but I can never find the time.”

“I see…”

“Listen, hon, I’m sorry I’m late. I had a bunch of errands to run, and the air conditioning is out on my car so I got pretty sweated up. I had to run home to throw a little deodorant on. Do I smell ok?”

Darlene stood up, leaned over the table, raised her arm, and with her other hand waved a little air in Wally’s direction.

“Do I smell ok?”

Wally was struggling to understand his predicament.

“Uh, yes, you smell fine.”

“Good, I like to smell good all over for my men. Well, not all over if you know what I mean.”

“Uh, I’m not sure what you mean.”

“Well, it’s like my 3rd husband Marty used to say when he was down there grazing on the lower forty. Every so often he’d come up for air and say, ‘Darlene, there are only two things that smell like fish, and one of them is fish.’ Oh my, we would laugh so hard.”

Wally stared at Darlene with his eyes wide open. Darlene picked up a menu and studied it for a moment. She lowered the menu and peered over the top.

“What do you say, Wally? Are you in the mood for fish tonight?”

----------

An angry Wally returned home to the anxiously waiting Doug.

“Hey, there’s my man. How did it go?”

“How did it go?! Where do I start? Maybe with the fact she was old enough to be my mom. Or maybe with her waving armpit air in my face. Or how about her telling me there’s only 2 things that smell like fish, and …”

“I know that one…”

“Figures. Or her grand finale: she conveniently forgot her purse so I had to pay for everything, and it wasn’t cheap. It was the worst night of my life, Doug. I knew this Internet thing was a bad idea. I’m done.”

“Sounds like a real bummer, Wally, but you can’t give up so easily.”

“No, I couldn’t live through another night like this.”

“You know, Wally, you said you only got one hit on that dating site. That’s strange. Maybe it was your profile. Let me have a look.”

“Suit yourself, but I’m done.”

Doug sat down at Wally’s laptop and found his Profile on Find a Friend.

“Ok, name… Wally Farkowski… let’s see what you have to say about yourself. Work at Walmart… ok, that could mean anything… drink beer and watch TV with my friend Doug. That’s going to need some help, Wally. Played freshman football in high school but never got in a game. Oh my God, Wally, no wonder you only got one response. Let Uncle Dougie fix this up for you.”

“I don’t care. Have at it.”

----------

Wally was scraping the burn off the toast while Doug made the coffee. Wally was thinking of his horrible night and his futile search for love. He saw his laptop out of the corner of his eye, and he couldn’t resist. He would take one last look at Find a Friend.

“Doug.”

“What?”

“Doug, I have 587 hits on my profile on that dating website.”

“Hmmm… that’s a lot.”

“Do you have any idea why I’d have 587 hits on my Profile?”

Doug pretended not to hear.

“Oh God, Doug, what did you do?”

Still no response from Doug.

“Did you mess with my Profile?”

“Well.. I spruced it up for you, you know, just to clean up a few things… make you look a little better.”

Wally opened up his Find a Friend page.

“Doug, you took 5 years off my life.”

“Everyone does.”

“Oh no, PHD in physics from Stanford and a Master's degree from Harvard in chemistry, lettered in 3 sports in college, Air Force test pilot, 3 weeks on the International Space Station, Hedge Fund Manager, Philanthropist… Jesus Christ, Doug, what am I supposed to do with all this?”

“Count your blessings… and share some names.”

Wally went to bed that night with the number 587 bouncing around in his head. It suddenly seemed absurd… love, a numbers game. The wider you cast your net, the more likely you’ll find true love. How true can that be? Is that how it’s supposed to work? That seemed to take some of the magic out of it, remove the special feelings that transcend our mortal existence, reducing it to something more like a search for the perfect fit of shoes. Wally searched his mind, heart, and soul. He didn’t need to look further; he needed to see better.

----------

Maggie found Wally sitting at his usual table in the break room. There was a small box on the table.

“What do you have there, Wally?”

“My new shoes.”

“Why did you bring your new shoes to work?”

“I thought you could maybe help me out with them. I’m not sure how they work. You could teach me.”

“What are you talking about?”

Wally pushed the box over to Maggie and gestured for her to open it. She gave Wally a questioning look and opened the box. It was a new pair of bowling shoes.