Where the Universe Ends

Hunger can be satisfied, thirst quenched, love fulfilled, puzzles solved, games won or lost. There is a finality that eases the mind, puts the matter, in some fashion, good, bad, or indifferent, to rest. For Matt, it was the one critical element of his existence that he couldn’t resolve and bring to conclusion- how did we get here, and what happens next?

It wasn’t so much a search for the meaning of his life as it was the idea of life itself. Taking on the challenge to find the answer that had evaded the greatest minds in history- Aristotle, Kant, Nietzsche, Einstein, and Hawking- was a source of great anxiety and frustration throughout Matt’s life. The burden grew with the passing of years, and now, as the end neared, it was downright burdensome. The “fear of nothingness” as conjured up by Presocratic thinkers and later put to song with Peggy Lee’s doleful lyrics, “Is That All There Is?”, tormented him.

----------

“Dad, how many stars are there?”

“I don’t know, Matthew, millions… maybe billions.”

“What’s past the last star?”

“Huh, I don’t know… nothing I guess.”

“How did the stars get there?”

“God put them there.”

“Where’s God?”

“He’s everywhere.”

“Where was he before He was everywhere?”

“I don’t know.”

“Well, where did He come from?”

“He didn’t come from anywhere. He was always here.”

“But, Dad, how… how can that be? That's not possible.”

These were tough concepts for a nine-year-old to ponder. His father’s answers weren’t helping.

“Ask Father John. Now finish your dinner.”

----------

“Father John?”

“Yes, Matthew?” 

“How did all this stuff get here?”

“What stuff?

“The earth, the sun, the stars… me… everything.”

“God made everything, Matthew. You’re in the 4th grade. You should know that by now.”

“I guess I just don’t understand it, Father. It seems impossible.”

“Faith, my son, you have to believe.”

“Believe”- a lot easier said than done. The command had as much effect on young Matthew as if the good priest had told him to be taller.

----------

“I’m sorry, Matt. There’s nothing we can do. It’s progressed too far.”

Matt wasn’t burdened by the usual, commonplace fear of dying. He was more troubled by not knowing what came after. But his doctor of many years had just thrown a new instrument of anxiety his way- knowing death was on its way. Matt had once joked with a friend that his planned exit from this world would be getting hit by a meteor… from behind. Unfortunately, his departure from this world would not be a surprise.

His doctor didn't mark a date on a calendar, but it wouldn’t be long. The ride home was troublesome. Making dinner, catching a game on TV, doing anything and everything became nearly impossible tasks. He wasn’t just a doomed man, he was a doomed man without answers to the questions that had plagued him his entire life, and now there was so little time. Matt found himself late in the 4th quarter, and he had no greater understanding of the beginning and the end than he did years ago when he questioned his father about God and the stars.

How could something, especially something the size the Universe, come into being? Equally perplexing, how could it have always been here? Does the Universe end somewhere? And then what’s beyond that? And of course, the big one, is there a God? These were tortuous exercises that Matt engaged in for no apparent purpose other than to rack his brain. He was consumed by the mysteries of life and death, and the nagging fear that found a permanent place in his head- what if this is all there is?

----------

Matt attended a public high school, but willingly, actually eagerly, attended the Religious Education classes at St. Mary’s and went through the entire Confirmation process. He was still looking for answers.

 Matt was accompanied to the classes by his best friend Hal who showed up only under threat of never seeing the keys to the family car if he didn’t.

“Hal, do you believe in God?”

“I guess.”

“You guess? That’s the best you got? You guess?”

“Ok, sure, I believe in God. What’s wrong with you, Matt? We heard about God every day for 8 years at St. Mary’s. You’re Catholic, right? So, you’ve got to believe in God.”

“Sure, we learned all that stuff... God created the Earth… God made man… we’re made in the image of God…Abraham… Moses… Jesus… the Resurrection. Yeah, we got all the facts, but how do we know it’s all real? I mean, how are we supposed to believe it all? I just can’t understand it.”

Matt was deep in thought.

“Hal, I mean, do you really believe, like there’s absolutely no doubt in your mind that there’s an afterlife?

“I guess. Do you want to hit Dairy Queen after class?”

Hal’s belief system was not reassuring. It all remained impossible in Matt’s mind.

----------

Matt kept trying. Months, weeks, maybe only days were left to sort this all out. How could any of this be? A universe without a defined space? A world where suddenly things came alive? God is everywhere, but he’d never seen Him. And then death. He reflected on his own personal history. He didn’t exist, then he did exist, and soon he won’t exist again. How can any of this be? He fought the temptation to accept the fact he would never be at peace with the question of his existence.

Matt felt alone in his quest for enlightenment. He couldn’t understand how little time most people spent on the topic of life and death. He saw the multitudes bouncing from one distraction to another in their efforts to avoid facing the one certainty in their life- death. He hadn’t come up with answers, but at least he tried. He felt a certain sense of satisfaction about that despite all the frustration that came with it.

Father John left this world years ago. Matt, of course, had no idea where he might be now despite his intensified efforts to understand the concept of death upon the good priest’s passing. He hadn’t been to Mass in years, but he figured he’d give the Catholic explanation of things another chance.

There is no better place for meaningful thought than an empty church at night. Matt sat in a first-row pew, thinking it would help to be closer to the source. The setting brought a sense of peace, but the idea of prayer eluded him. He knew what he wanted to say, but he didn’t really believe anyone would be listening. He would think it all through again, and maybe something new would occur to him.

He liked being in the church at night. He was never too fond of Mass. He was ok with the Readings, and sometimes the sermon was tolerable, but there was too much pomp and circumstance for quiet reflection. He saw and heard, but nothing ever moved the needle. Alone in the quiet, he closed his eyes and saw the stars swirling around. He looked deeper and deeper, but there was no end; the stars just kept on coming. He saw himself in his rec department soccer uniform and in his dark blue suit at his Prom. He thought of his parents, his mother in her favorite blue cotton dress and his father on his deathbed at St. Luke’s, and he wondered what the point of it all was.

He thought of his mother reading bedtime stories to him. Her voice was soft and comforting. He remembered the words of wonder about what might lie beyond the end of the sidewalk, and the talk of sailing ships and sealing wax. He remembered the sweet fragrance of her lilac-scented perfume that was with her always, and the special way she brushed his hair away from his forehead in three gentle waves. Matt tried so hard to imagine seeing her again in heaven, but the picture never came into focus.

Matt sat there for an hour. His sense of tranquility slowly morphed into sadness as his fear of nothingness once again enveloped him. He feared he would never have peace.

----------

Matt took Marcie Banner to Prom. She was gorgeous. At least every other month, he regretted the fact that they grew apart after high school. Marcie was also a believer… a true believer.

“I envy you, Marcie. I really do. I wish I could believe. I try so hard to find God. It would make it all so simple.”

“Matt, you have to be patient. We don’t seek God. He’ll find you.”

“I’m afraid it would take a miracle.”

“Anything can happen, Matt.”

Marcie dragged him to church every week for the year they dated. He tried to believe with every visit, but he just couldn’t get there. He couldn’t understand how Marcie, or anyone, could truly believe. It was all impossible. Marcie offered her best explanation.

“It’s like this, Matt, some people are touched by the Spirit, some aren’t. Some people like spinach, some don’t. I don’t know what else I can tell you.”

----------

The next best place for quiet reflection is in a fishing boat on a calm lake as the sun sets over the trees.

“We’re not catching anything here, Matt. Let’s move down the shoreline a bit.”

“We don’t have to be catching fish, Hal. It’s nice just being out here. It’s so quiet and peaceful.”

“Hello. You’re missing a critical element of fishing. We’re supposed to be trying to catch fish, so it would be nice if we caught some.”

As always, other things were on Matt’s mind.

“It’s beautiful out here, isn’t it, Hal?”

“Uh… I guess. Sure… beautiful. If you put your line in the water, Matt, you’d have a better chance of catching something.”

“I mean, look at the evergreens, the blooming lily pads, the clear water, the bright blue sky… the turtle on that log, the two deer that came by before.”

“What’s your point?”

“It looks too good to have happened by chance. It makes you think that there was a design, that there was a Creator… a God.”

“I guess. Pass the night crawlers.”

Matt handed the box of worms to Hal and looked back at the shoreline. The turtle was looking right at him.

----------

In his never-ending search for answers, Matt majored in Philosophy in college. He studied history’s great philosophers and theologians. They had a variety of theories on the evolution of the Universe, the formation of the galaxies and the planets, and the purpose of life. There was one common thread- none of them had a clue as to how it all began or where one ounce of the world’s material came from. Matt’s guess was as good as theirs.

He saw no point in Sunday Mass. On its face, it was geared toward those who already believed. He went a couple of times, thinking that might be a good place for the Spirit to find him, but he went undiscovered.

He was a regular visitor to the Newman Center on campus. He listened to lectures and participated in group discussions. The subject matter was always about gaining a better understanding of Biblical passages and the roadmap to a good life worthy of salvation. Unfortunately, the origin of the Universe was summed up in the one simple explanation he couldn’t wrap his head around- God did it.

Desperate times call for desperate measures. He called Marcie. After an exchange of pleasantries and updates, and after learning she was in a committed relationship, he got to the point. He knew she would understand.

“I’m sorry to bother you, Marcie. I guess I’m just looking for support… and maybe any other advice you’d have for me.”

“You’re trying too hard, Matt. You can’t think your way to believing. You’re only going to give yourself headaches.”

Marcie was spot on.

“It’s not going to be an exercise in logic. Look at it this way, Matt. The existence of the Universe makes no sense. Our very existence makes no sense. So, there’s something going on that’s beyond what we are capable of understanding. For me, it’s God.”

Yes, God. That certainly would explain it and relieve Matt of the anxieties he suffered in his efforts to understand it all. He just needed to take that one final step- believe.

----------

  The need to know stayed with Matt through his adult life. Thirty-five years as an accountant suited him. Numbers made sense. It was the rest of his life that didn’t add up.

It wasn’t a 24/7 obsession, but that fear of nothingness would regularly interfere with his daily routines. And he was alone in his struggles. The world revolves around distraction, comfort, and a scorecard based on materiality, but Matt refused to surrender.

During long walks along the river, or alone at night at home, he’d run through it over and over again, a Universe with no end and no beginning, faith, life, death, heaven, believe, waiting for God to find him. But in the end it all came down to this. We start off as dust, and we end up as dust. Life after death was impossible.

----------

Agnes had been there for 20 years, watching patients come in and never leave alive. It would seem a dispiriting occupation, but she always saw the good in it- how would these people do without such a place?

“Do you need anything, Matt?”

“How would I know what I need? I never died before.”

Agnes never had a patient like Matt before. A dying man able to bring flashes of humor to a place that reeked of sadness.

“Agnes, do you believe in God?”

“Of course I do, Matt.”

“Do you believe in heaven?”

The topic had come up before.

“I can’t make you believe, Matt. All I can do is tell you that is that as sure as I’m standing here, I know there is a God… and a heaven.”

Matt made another attempt. He wanted that one last moment of peace knowing this wasn’t all there is, that he need not fear nothingnes, that heaven awaited him. The peace he sought once again eluded him.

“I’ll get you a soda, actually two. You have a visitor.”

Matt had made it known he didn’t want visitors. He didn’t want last memories to be of a frail, diminished man wasting away. One person couldn’t stay away.

“Hello, Matt.”

“Hello, Hal.”

Hal understood. There were no tears. He kept it normal. They talked about days gone by, their days at St. Mary’s, evenings out on the lake, romances- wins and losses, and how the Packers would do this year. The time that was left for them would be normal time.

“Thanks for coming, Hal.”

“Goodbye, Matt.”

The pain meds sent Matt in and out of sleep. He saw bits and pieces of his life floating around through a fog, and he was troubled knowing he had run out of time for the Spirit to find him; he would never believe.

Matt was near the end, his eyelids heavy and his breathing shallow. In his semi-conscious state, he heard the footsteps and felt someone sit down on the side of his bed. He spoke in a whisper.

“Agnes?”

But there was no response. A bright light swept through the room, and a familiar scent filled the air, the sweet aroma of lilac. He heard a soft voice, and he remembered the words.

“Mustn’ts…don’ts…impossible… won’ts….”

 A soothing hand brushed the hair from his forehead in three gentle waves.

“…It was never impossible, Matt. Don't you remember? Anything can happen, child, anything can be.”

A hint of a smile appeared, and a little tear formed at the corner of Matt’s eye. He knew.