On the Eighth Day...

On the 8th Day…

“I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.”

-Mark Twain

Michael stood on the raised podium, director’s wand in hand, facing the massive Heavenly Choir and the Seraphim Symphony Orchestra. He appeared calm, but his insides were in turmoil. His boss was hard to please, and this was the big event, opening night, give it your all, break a wing.

With a swift swipe of his wand, the legions of performers broke the silence with a tedious rendition of Michael’s latest composition, an enduring opus whose musical score was later lifted by Irving Berlin when he peddled “God Bless America” as his own work.

♪ “God bless God,

Deity from above,

Be above us,

And love us,

With a love, with a love from above.

From the Cherubim,

Boom, boom, boom

To the Seraphim,

Boom, boom, boom

And the archangels,

And all the rest,

God bless God,

Cuz He’s the best,

God bless God…”♪

The lackluster performance was interrupted by deafening thunder and blinding flashes of lightning. God has entered the building.

♪ “Cuz you’re the best!” ♪

Michael could hardly breathe as he approached his audience of one. Timid subordinates thrived, or at least had a chance to survive, in heaven.

“Well, Sir, how did you like it?”

God looked more disinterested than displeased.

“It was ok… I guess. I like the lyrics, but the instrumentals obviously need some work. And you're going to need more trombone players."

God looked at Michael with a skeptical eye.

“That wasn’t your final performance, was it? Michael?”

The message was received with mixed feelings. God obviously wasn’t satisfied, but Michael was spared His wrath, which Old Testament humans would later learn can be quite nasty, as God didn’t realize this was indeed intended as a ready and polished performance.

“Final?! Oh, God no. Of course not. We’ve got many more rehearsals lined up. You’re such a kidder.”

Such was the life of heaven’s permanent residents- mundane, repetitive, bliss without effort, and most of all, days dominated by the near round-the-clock compulsory worship of God. An easy life, but for some, a tad on the boring side.

-----------

The royal architects were busy at work, putting the final touches on God’s latest effort at creativity.

“So, how is it going, Michael? I’m anxious to see what my ideas look like on paper.”

“You’re going to love it, Sir. It’s a big job, so we broke it all down for you into six days, a little bit each day. You’re not as young as you used to be, so on the seventh day, you’ll rest.”

“Sounds good. Let’s take a look, Michael… light, I like that. People will have to see where they’re going. And air, they’ll need that… land and plants… good, good…a sun for warmth and a moon and stars for something to look at after nightfall. I don’t think you’ve got enough birds in here, Michael. Can you add some?”

“I’m on it.”

“I think you’re good on the fish.”

“I added some sharks. Is that ok?”

“Certainly. Sharks are cool.”

“And then on the sixth day, we have animals of all sorts, and at the top of the food chain, your piéce de resistance- humans.”

“And they are all properly programmed for worship?”

“Absolutely.”

“We don’t want any screwups like we had on planet Ort, Michael. Worshipping a golden calf… how embarrassing.”

“That’ll never happen. I guarantee it. By the way, have you finally come up with a name for your new planet?”

“What do you think of planet Dirt?”

“Planet Dirt? That sounds a little… unremarkable.”

“Planet Soil?”

“That doesn’t ring a bell with me either, Sir.”

“Mud?”

“Nope.”

“Dust?”

“Not so much.”

Michael was growing weary of the exercise. The next suggestion would be a winner.

“How about planet Earth?”

“You nailed it!”

“Well, your plans look good, Michael. Get them to Lucifer as soon as you can so the Engineering Department can begin construction.”

Michael's face turned a light shade of green. He and Lucifer had been in a bitter struggle to gain God’s favor for more than twenty-seven eons. He clenched his jaw, tightened his fist, and muttered his response.

“Yes, I will get the plans to … Lucifer.”

----------

Lucifer was the finest engineer that heaven had ever seen. Working at a craft for seven million years tends to make one good at their job.

“Henry, no passes this weekend. We’ve got another rush job from the big guy.”

“Oh, come on, Lucifer. I’ve got plans.”

“Sorry, we’ve got to build Him another planet.”

“Another planet?! Just how many worshipers does He need?”

“More.”

“Great. Let’s see the plans.”

God imagined, Michael designed, and Lucifer built. With great reluctance, Michael and Lucifer worked together, but the hostility between two of God’s top lieutenants was always lurking beneath the surface.

“Henry, look at this. Michael’s got an entire mountain range built out of talc. What a dope. One good storm and his mountain range will be a flatland. I’m sick of cleaning up his mistakes.”

“What do they have for wildlife this time?”

“The usual- birds, frogs, fish, deer… no geeps.”

“Humans?”

“Of course, lots of them. This time, instead of inundating the world with them from scratch, He’s starting with two, and then some kind of geometric progression will get them to billions.”

“Wow, they’re like rabbits. And what will these humans be like?”

“Same as all the others- robotic, mindless creatures without a care or thought in their mind. Get this. He’s got them living in a Garden of Eden where everything is handed to them… perfect weather, sickening harmony, low-hanging fruit. All they will have to do is exist and worship God.”

“Boring.”

“You can say that again, Henry.”

“Boring.”

“Henry, I didn’t mean for you to actually say it again.”

“Sorry, Lucifer. Too bad we couldn’t do something for them, you know, like how we swapped in granite for the talc.”

“Yeah, it’s a shame we couldn’t….”

Or could he?

----------

Lucifer had a restless night. He pitied the poor souls who were destined for a mindless, uneventful existence. The only difference between this new batch of humans and sheep would be their form and their ability to worship. He lamented his role in creating new multitudes of wasted lives.

Lucifer had long questioned the purpose of his own existence. Heaven was a nice enough place, but the sameness of all things since the beginning, the fact that everything was provided for him without the need for him to muster up even an ounce of sweat, the scripted days, and, more than anything, the countless hours of worship, had worn him down. Lucifer had reached the point where heavenly bliss was becoming overshadowed by the relentless, cumbersome clouds of sheer drudgery.

His plight was set in stone, but perhaps he could save an entire population from the same fate.

----------

“Henry, I’ve got another good idea.”

“Take the weekend off, Lucifer?”

“Good luck with that. No, I’m thinking of another… adjustment… to the plans for earth, you know, like we did with the granite and the talc.”

“Add some geeps?”

“No, bigger.”

“Giant geeps?”

“No, no geeps. Henry, you know how boring things get here?”

“Sure, but we don’t have to do a thing… well, except the worship stuff and our job.”

“You call this a job? God does 99% of this creation stuff, and we only do one planet every three or four million years. That’s a lot of downtime.”

“I guess. What did you have in mind?”

“What would you think about messing with the makeup of these humans?”

“You mean, like make them taller to get at the higher fruit, or give them an extra eye?”

“No, change the way they act, how and what they think about.”

“Oh no, Lucifer, God wouldn’t like that. He wants them just the way they’ve always been, dull but content minds, built for worship. Let’s just do what the plan says, plop this Adam guy and his partner Eve in the Garden of Eden and be done with it.”

“Henry, think of the possibilities. I think their lives would be so much better… given a purpose… if they had free will. Let’s give them free will.”

“Free will? What’s that?”

“The ability to think for themselves, to imagine, to act, to do what they choose to do. Free to do their own will.”

“You’re dreaming, Michael. I don’t think there is such a thing.”

“Can’t you imagine it, Henry. Can’t you think of a time when you could choose and not be directed around a game board like a chess piece?”

“I could never get the hang of chess. I’m more of a checkers guy.”

“Ok, I’ll king you. There, you can move around where you want to go.”

“Is that possible, Lucifer?”

“Can you imagine it?”

“I guess.”

“If you can imagine it, it can happen. It’s too late for us, but we can save those earth people from a life of mind-numbing monotony. You in?”

“I guess, but why do you care about Earth people anyway?”

“We’re angels, Henry. We’re the good guys.”

----------

“Michael! I keep looking down, but I’m not seeing a planet Earth down there. What’s the problem?”

Michael never let a good crisis go to waste.

“Well, I didn’t want to tell you, Sir, but it’s Lucifer. There’s been lots of lollygagging around going on with him and his crew. I keep telling him he had to get moving… that it was a top priority for you.”

“And what did he say?”

Michael paused for a little dramatic effect. He feigned nervousness and appeared hesitant to deliver the message, looking down, then up, and all around the room.

“Well, Sir, Lucifer and I are pretty good friends, and I don’t want to get him in any trouble, but he said, ‘Tell God not to get his undies in a bundle, and then he laughed.”

“Laugh, did he? Tell Lucifer I want to see him…NOW!”

“I’ll do that, sir….heh, heh,heh.”

----------

“And no more lollygagging around, Lucifer! I want you to get moving. If I’m not making light tomorrow, you’re going to be in deep doo-doo.”

From years of experience, Lucifer knew there was no point in arguing or even offering a defense. He didn’t even bother to inquire as to just what the heck doo-doo was, but he knew it wasn’t good. He was that helpless chess… or checkers… piece being shoved around a game board without the ability to control any aspect of his life. One does not challenge or even question God. His station was to happily accept… and worship. Lucifer was now even more committed to making a better life for the upcoming population of planet Earth.

“Mea culpa. I’ll do better.”

----------

“Henry! We’ve got to do it tonight! Let’s get over to the workshop.”

“Aw, Lucifer, I’ve got a date tonight.”

“Not with Angelina, I hope. She’s just interested in you because you’re an Archangel, and she’s attracted to power.”

“No, she really likes me.”

“How do you know that?”

“She told me.”

“Oh, my God, Henry. Whatever. No, it’s got to be tonight. He’s making light in the morning.”

Lucifer and Henry hustled over to the workshop and pored over the most detailed and intricate part of Michael’s drawings- the human brain.

“I think I see the problem, Henry.”

“What’s that, Lucifer?”

“Half the brain is missing!”

“Good eye, Lucifer. I think you’ve got it!”

“Who would have thought, a precreation lobotomized population?! This is going to be easier than I thought. I planned on doing a lot of rewiring and computer programming tonight, but now we can stuff whatever we want into that void.”

Lucifer and Henry imagined. They compiled a list of everything they thought would make the human experience more interesting and meaningful- thought, imagination, love, joy, kindness, wonder, hope, determination, and pride… and of course, free will.

They left the workshop smiling, beaming with pride for a job well done.

Lucifer headed home for a good night’s rest; Henry made a beeline for Angelina’s, hoping she would still be up.

----------

And so it came to be, Earth with all its glory miraculously appeared and went into orbit around the sun. On the sixth day, God created man, and on the seventh, He rested. On the little-known eighth day, Lucifer’s last-minute tinkering took root and kicked into gear. Humans circled the globe armed with thoughts and emotions… and free will.

“Dammit, Lucifer! Have you seen what’s going on down on earth?”

“Not for a while, Henry. I’ve been busy working on another one of God’s creations. Fill me in.”

“Lucifer, I think we’ve encountered the law of unintended consequences.”

“How’s that?”

“The very first family on earth… the very first… and we had a killing!”

“What?!”

“And it got worse. There’s a veritable smorgasbord of sinning going on down there- violence, greed, lust, envy, you name it, and Earth has it in boatloads.”

“How could that be, Henry? We only put good things into the heads of humans.”

“Everyone in heaven is talking about it. God says it’s free will, and guess what, He’s wondering how it got there. What do you have to say about that, Lucifer?”

“Well… now we know.”

“That’s it?! That’s all you’ve got to say?! We are in big trouble, Lucifer. God is furious. He’s already wiped out an entire city with fire and brimstone. And just today, He damn near flooded out the whole planet. Oh, I should never have listened to you.”

“I think we should try to look at this as a lesson learned. I think God will…’

“Shut up, Lucifer. Oh, and God wants to see you… now.”

----------

Michael was smiling ear to ear as he watched Lucifer slowly shuffle into God’s chambers.

Lucifer had never seen that look before, on God or anywhere else- angry, frustrated, and confused. God looked like he may have been crying.

“Lucifer… I know you did it. Could you please just tell me why? Why would you do this to me?”

“It seemed like a good idea at the time. Look at it this way. I think that freely given praise and worship would be more impactful than the compulsory worship we have here in Heaven. It should mean more to you.”

"Are you saying you don't want to worship me?"

"Oh, heavens no. That's the best part of my day. I really look forward to it."

“Lucifer, I don’t really care about the reasons people… or angels… worship me. It’s a numbers game. The more, the merrier.”

Lucifer knew he was doomed.

“What’s my punishment?”

“Let’s start with Henry.”

“It was all my fault, Sir. Henry was…”

“Nope, he was in on it. I’ll just have a little fun with him. I’m going to call him Job and put him on earth for a while to suffer through a multitude of tribulations… heh, heh, heh.”

“And me, sir?”

“Your transgression was rather grievous, Lucifer. You deprived me of generations of worshipers. I couldn’t come up with a suitable placement for you to match your crime, so I’m sending you to a new place called hell.”

“Hell? Never heard of it. Where is it?”

“It doesn’t exist yet. I’ve asked Michael to work up a set of plans for me.”

Lucifer’s head dropped while Michael’s smile grew ten times bigger.