How Do I Look?

“You’re going to be late!” Bailey shouted, running down the stairs. On the side was a brown leather briefcase, which she promptly shoved into her brother's hands.

“I know, I know.” Ollie took the briefcase, chugging down the last of his coffee before wiping his mouth. “How do I look?”

Bailey sat on the sofa and watched as he spun around, showing off his suit, which had once belonged to their dad. The trousers were hemmed, and the sleeves were a little long. But looking at his nervous grin, she couldn't help the warm feeling that filled her.

“Perfect. Absolutely perfect.” She smiled, huffing out a small laugh as he rubbed his sweaty hands down the blazer. “You’re going to do great.”

He beamed a wide smile before looking down at his watch. “Uh oh! Time to go.” He tugged on his shoes, tipping slightly from the momentum.

She watched from the window as he sprinted out the door, turning one last time to wave at her. Bailey couldn't have been prouder of him. Ever since their parents passed, she had a tough time raising them both, and yet he had turned into such an amazing young man. Well, man, she used it lightly; even though he was now eighteen, she would always see him as her little brother.

With the once-active air gone, she turned to the table. There sat a short list of what was left to do today. She crossed off the top line that read "Ollie's big interview," then skimmed down the page: groceries, pharmacist, pickup from the post office, and florists (lilies for Ollie!). She hoped to get it all done before her brother returned, grabbing her phone off the counter, and throwing on her coat before heading out the door.

The weather was near perfect in her opinion. Spring was her favourite season. The chills of winter were fading into warmer weather, yet the heat was bearable, enjoyable even. The flowers sprouted new life, and the world was lit up in green, painting a beautiful picture that calmed her mind.

Walking to the grocery store was peaceful, a small breeze accompanied by a light sun, and she made it there before the clock turned 9am. Bailey leisurely strolled through the aisles, pushing the cart as she checked ingredients on the shelves. Maybe she’d make pasta tonight, or pizza? Ollie loved both; perhaps they ordered in as a treat. She continued adding essentials, flour, eggs, and some tinned tomatoes, before her phone began to ring.

Ring, ring, ring.

She frowned, taking it from her pocket and looking down. The number wasn’t familiar, and she wasn’t expecting to hear from anyone. She hesitated. Normally, she didn’t answer calls from numbers she didn’t know. But something felt… different. Before she could change her mind, Bailey answered.

“Bailey Reed?” The voice spoke. It was a man; he sounded worn and tired.

“Yes, speaking.” A small pit seemed to open in her stomach, and for an unknown reason, she felt almost ill.

“My name's Ben, I’m afraid there’s been an accident.” His tone softened, becoming gentler than before.

Behind her, she heard a woman laugh. A child spoke loudly. The rolls of trolley wheels.

“I—I don’t understand,” she swallowed, her voice shook. An accident? Was Ollie hurt? Surely it was nothing; she was jumping to conclusions. “What sort of accident?”

The officer didn’t answer immediately. That’s when she knew. Something horrible, something absolutely terrible had occurred. Her eyes had already started filling with water before he even spoke.

“There was a fight on the platform, your brother was pushed…” His voice faded into static. Even though he was still talking, she couldn’t hear him.

Ringing filled her ears as she raised a hand to her mouth. She tried to breathe in, but couldn’t see to catch her breath. Her jaw opened and closed, but nothing worked. A sob tore from her throat, and like a damn unleashed, she collapsed to the ground. Wails tore from her, hands shaking, tears running down her face.

Oh, her dear Ollie.

The sky was cloudy and grey as visitors entered her house. She was dressed in black, head to toe, as she greeted her guests.

“I’m so sorry.” Her neighbours had always been so welcoming. Once, when she had to stay late at school, they picked up her brother, watching over him till she came home.

“He was so young.” Their English teacher, Miss Vince. She taught her, then a few years later, her brother. She was always so kind.

Bailey's eyes were red-rimmed, her face pale and sunken. She couldn't muster up a smile; everyone understood.

Time seemed to pass right by, people eating and chatting, reminiscing about what a great person Ollie was. She stood in the corner, unmoving, unable to take part in the conversation. To talk about him in the past would acknowledge that he was now that.

“Big turnout, huh?” said a gentleman from her left. She turned to him, his face unfamiliar. He seemed mid-40s, with dark hair with a few grey patches, dressed in a long black coat. His voice, however, rang in her ears.

“Ben?” she questioned, taking in his appearance. His face held faint wrinkles, a symbol of time. On his left hand was an old silver ring, and his shoes were slightly worn. She sniffled, biting her lip. “You came.”

“I wouldn't miss it, Miss Reed.” After the call, he had helped with the following legal processes, and while she had yet to meet him face to face, she knew she would never forget the sound of his voice. “In fact, I had something to give you.”

He reached into his pocket before pulling out a small object. He held it out to her, a faint smile on his face. “I thought you might want to have this”.

She took the object, a wristwatch. Ollie’s wristwatch. It had once belonged to their dad, a wedding gift from his father. The band was a brown leather, with a silver case encircling the round face. The roman numerals contrasted against the pale background, which had faded slightly from exposure to the sun. However, the most prominent feature was new. A large crack across the glass. She sobbed once before cutting herself off, holding the watch close to her heart.

“Thank you.” For the first time since it happened, she smiled. Ben gave her a hug, something she dearly needed, before heading off into the crowd.

For what felt like an indescribable amount of time, she stared at that watch. It consumed her; despite being no longer functional, she would not let it go.

One by one, people left the wake. The house grew stiller, the air quieter, but in that corner she stayed.

Once the final soul trickled out the front door, she took a moment.

Breathe in.

Breathe out.

She sat down on the sofa, one that still had a dent where Ollie would always sit in the same place. She looked down at the watch face and let it all out. She sobbed and sobbed till her chest felt empty. Tears dropped on the broken glass one at a time.

“I wish I could go back.”

Tick. Tick. Tick.

“How do I look?” She opened her eyes, whipping her head around. There, standing as alive as ever, was her brother.

“You—what?” She couldn't breathe.

“I mean, is it ok? Is the suit too much?” Ollie twisted the edges of the blazer slightly, trying to get a better view.

“No.” She was practically whispering, voice in disbelief. “You look perfect.”

He rubbed his sweaty hands down the blazer before checking his watch. “Uh oh! Time to go.”

“Wait!” The world slammed into her as the moment caught up. She ran over to him, enveloping him in a hug so tight she would never let go. “I love you so much.”

“Uh, thanks?” Ollie tilted his head, but returned the hug nonetheless. “I love you too.”

She sniffled, tears still in her eyes.

“Whoa, whoa, are you ok?” Despite her iron-clad grip, Ollie escaped the hug, placing his hands against her arms. “I can reschedule the interview, you know, it’s no big deal.”

She had transitioned back into crying once again, choking on small sobs. “No, no, I'm sorry. This is so weird. I don’t—I don't know what’s happening.”

“Hey, it’s okay, everything's ok.” He pulled her back into a hug, giving one last squeeze.

“Let me walk you to the train,” she whispered. This was her chance, her one shot at making things right.

“Yeah, okay. Are you sure you’re good?”

“I’m great.” She smiled, hiccupping.

Together they walked out of the house, heading down the street to the station. The sun beamed down, flowers bloomed, birds chirped. Everything was so… normal. As they wandered, she couldn't help but keep her eyes on him, as though he might disappear at any second. Ollie, oblivious to the attention, rambled on about his upcoming interview.

“And, like, I just feel this is the job for me, you know?” He moved his hands as he spoke. “This could be a new chapter of my life.”

“Yeah.” She kept her words to a minimum, afraid that her emotions would take control. “I’m sure it is.”

They entered the station, making their way to the platform. Just ahead were two men, clearly in a drunk altercation.

“Wait!” She grabbed Ollie's arm, turning him to face her.

“Yes?” One eyebrow was slightly raised, but he waited.

“Just… wait for one more minute.”

“Are you sure you’re okay?” She couldn’t have him worried; she just needed him to hold on a little longer.

“Do you remember when mum and dad died, and you felt like things would never be the same again?” She rambled, keeping his eyes away from the rowdy pair behind him.

“Why are you talking about this now?”

“Just answer, do you remember?”

“Of course I do,” he replied. “It felt like my whole world ended.”

“Remember that feeling if you ever feel like something bad is going to happen, okay? Remember it for me.” She was at the point of begging, she sounded crazy but couldn’t care less.

“You’re scaring me, Bailey. What's going on?”

“I just…” For what felt like the hundredth time, her eyes began to wet. “I just need you to understand how much you mean to me.”

“I do, I do.” She had given so much for him, and even in a thousand lifetimes, he felt he would never repay her.

Shrieeeeeek.

The train pulled into the station, the fighting men parted ways, and Ollie was still here. Alive.

“Good luck, Ollie. I love you so much.” With a final hug, they parted ways as he made his way to the train.

“Love you too!” he shouted whilst walking backwards, making a heart with his hands.

She left that station feeling in a trance. Fearful the moment would be ripped from her, that she’d awaken and he’d be gone. She stayed like that for the rest of the day. Stuck. Unaware of the world passing around her. It wasn’t till hours later, when Ollie walked back through the front door, that she felt real.

“Hey, how was your interview?” she questioned, attempting a sort of normalcy that may never come again.

“It was incredible!” He jumped straight onto the sofa next to her. “I got it, I got the job!”

“That’s amazing!” She was so proud of him. “I knew you would.”

“So,” he continued. “Pizzas on me.” He stood from the couch, walking over to his bag and grabbing his phone, dialling the number to order.

As he spoke in the background, Bailey grabbed the remote, turning on the TV.

“... and in other news, disaster has struck after the 9am outbound train from East Station collided with a quarantine van” What? No, no, that couldn't be. “The exposure of a deadly pathogen has already begun to spread, cases being reported across the coast as the infection takes lives by the minute.” Her blood ran cold.

“Holy shit, that’s my train.”

What?

“What?”

“Yeah, that must be the crossing, two stops from mine.” He took his seat next to her again. “Oh my god, this is insane.”

She turned back to the screen, a familiar ringing penetrating her ears. She did this; this was her fault. She saved Ollie, but without the delay, now this? No, no, this couldn’t be. She could fix this.

“Bailey, you good?” The constant concern Ollie had shown her today made her worry; she was scaring him, but it would be ok.

“Yeah, yeah, I’m good.” She slowly stood from the couch, backing up towards the stairs. “I just gotta grab something, real quick.” With that, she sprinted upstairs.

She sat on her bed, taking a broken watch from her pocket. She stared at it for what felt like too long.

“Please,” she begged, gripping tight, holding the watch to her face. “Please let me fix this.”

Tick. Tick. Tick.

She opened her eyes and slowly descended the stairs.

“How do I look?”

“Perfect,” she breathed out. Even though it wasn't the first time, it still didn't feel real. “I’ll walk you to the station.”

Same as before, they made their journey. But this time, Bailey knew what to do. She just had to make sure the train was delayed, just long enough that it wouldn't collide with the van. This was fine. She could do this.

As they entered the doors, she headed straight for the information desk.

“Excuse me.” She put on her best concerned voice. “I need help.”

“What can I do for you, ma'am?”

“My friend just texted me, she's on the 9am westbound train that should be arriving any moment. She said that there’s some suspicious luggage in one of the carriages, and thinks it needs to be checked out. See something, say something, y’know?”

The attendant stood from his chair, grabbing a telephone from the desk. “Thank you for making us aware of this. We take concerns like these very seriously.”

As she left the desk, heading back to Ollie, she heard a voice over the intercom.

“Apologies, the 9am train will see a slight delay. We thank you for your patience.”

This was it, she’d done it. She hugged Ollie goodbye once again, wishing him luck. Things would work out.

That night, after Ollie had returned, she turned on the TV.

“... and our hearts go out to the victims, after a suicide bomber entered St. Mary's hospital and detonated the device over the main gas lines.” What? “The lives of hundreds were lost, and this event will go down in history as a tragedy.” No, no, this can't be. “The Attacker, now identified as Gale Clarkson, boarded the 9am westbound train before heading to the hospital on foot.”

This wasn't real. There’s no way. She fixed it, she stopped it. But she hadn't. This was different.

“Bailey, what’s wrong?” Ollie turned to her, worry filling his voice.

“Nothing,” she quickly responded. “Everything's fine, there's just something I’ve gotta do.”

She tried.

Again.

And again.

And again.

But nothing worked.

Every time, every decision just led to something else.

She tried to fix it, but each time she made it worse.

She grew weary and tired. Resentful, fearful, angry, anguished.

She would have Ollie, but at what cost?

She trod down the stairs, slowly reaching the bottom. She grabbed the brown leather briefcase and handed it to Ollie.

“How do I look?”

She smiled, eyes drooping down. “Perfect. You look absolutely perfect.” This was it. “You’re going to do great.”

“Uh oh! Time to go.” Ollie promptly headed for the door.

“Wait!” She encased him in a hug, tears pooling in her eyes. “I just want you to know,” she began, choking on the words. “That I love you, so, so much.”

“Aw, thanks, Bailey. I love you too.” He smiled, returning the hug.

‘I know, I really do.”

As he left the house, she watched from the window. She waited there till he was out of sight.

She sat on the sofa till her phone rang. And then she waited some more.

Ollie was gone, and yet the world kept turning.

Over the next couple of days, she heard snippets of news. A new disease has been discovered. The arrest of a suicide bomber. New barriers have been introduced to avoid railway accidents.

She visited Ollie's grave. The cool spring had transitioned into a warm summer. She sat in front of the stone, leaving a bouquet of white lilies in front of it. She sat there, holding the watch, talking to him about whatever came to mind.

No amount of time with him would have been enough. She knows that. But she couldn't help but feel blessed that for one day, she could say goodbye.

She stood, turning to leave. She looked back, one final glance. A ray of golden sun parted through the clouds, beaming onto his grave, highlighting the lilies in an ethereal way.

He was perfect. Absolutely perfect.