The Hardships of Hades

The Coronavirus sucks. There. I said it. I’m sure most of you puny mortals would agree with me. Honestly--

Hey.

Apollo! What do you think you’re doing here?!

Why can't I check in on my favorite uncle? Ooh, are you recording poetry? A sonnet, perhaps? Maybe some haikus?

No, I am NOT recording poetry! 

That's too bad. Poetry rocks.

Well, Mr. Sunshine, don’t you have a sun chariot to drive? Go away!

Hmph.

Anyway. . .

What was I saying?

Right. The Coronavirus sucks. You mortals would agree. ‘Yeah.’ You’re probably thinking. ‘Everything’s online, we have to wear those masks, there’s that thing called social distancing. . .’

But have you ever considered it from a god’s perspective?

‘I’m not sure of God’s reasoning behind the virus, but I’m sure that he has a grand plan.’ You might be thinking. ‘Maybe God is testing us.’

No, I don’t mean capital ‘G’ God. I mean gods, plural. I’m talking about us Greek gods. 

‘Wait,’ You must be thinking. ‘Greek gods don’t exist! Are you a lunatic?! You’re crazy.’

Well, last time I checked, I exist, thank you very much.

Hello. My name is H--

Hermes?!

Hey.

What are you doing here?!

Delivery. Here's your large box of 'Black n' white' ambrosia! Did you order it?

NO, I did NOT order the new ‘Black n’ White’ ambrosia! It must be Aphrodite again, sending this to me as a prank. She probably wants to make fun of my ‘black and white aesthetic’ again.

Oh, that thing's still going on? I thought it ended decades ago!

Whatever. Leave! I’m recording something! 

Got it. But if you still want the 'Black n' White' ambrosia, you know to contact me.

Why don’t the gods ever give me privacy?

No, my name is not ‘Hermes’. My name is Hades, Greek god of the Underworld. Welcome to “Hardships of Hades”! The live complaints of a Greek god! Da-da-da-dee-do-da!

Honestly, what is with you mortals and your sicknesses? Cancer, diabetes, the flu, smallpox, measles, scarlet fever, the list goes on and on. And now, there’s COVID-19. 

To be fair, most mortal diseases were caused by us gods. The earliest version of cancer happened in Egypt, way back in 3000 B.C. If I recall, Zeus caused the disease because the Egyptians weren’t worshipping him that much. But Corona was your fault. Us gods didn’t have anything to do with it. Although Apollo did happen to amplify the virus a few times, the gods didn’t start this one. I swear on the River Styx.

Hey, Hades. Um, about that. My son went missing in China back in December 2019 A.D. He started COVID-19.

Wha-- What do you mean? Which son?

Asclepius.

Asclepius?!?! He started it?!?!?!?

Yup.

Wait. You’re still here, Mr. Sunshine? GO AWAY!!!!

Okay, okay! Jeez! Just wanted to tell you.

I’m going to be cursed by the goddess Styx for breaking my vow, aren’t I? I take that back. The gods did start this pandemic. 

Oh, you’re mad at me? Well, that’s too bad. You don’t know where the Underworld is. The only way to get down here is to die, and trust me. You. Don’t. Want. To. Die.

Why? Well, let me make this simple. You mortals live miserable lives. Terribly short. Once you die and come to the Underworld, I'm going to be your king. You're going to stay in the Underworld. For all eternity. (Yes, eternity. If you think some Ragnarök doomsday thing is gonna come around and save you from eternity, you’re out of luck. Go contact the Norse gods for that.)

I don’t want to wish that fate on anyone. I make a pretty terrible king. Dead mortals escape from the Underworld all the time. Just last week, Hitler escaped from the Fields of Punishment. So if you spot a crazy German trying to take over the world, I’m sorry. That’s my fault. 

Oops. I got off topic. I’m terrible at this recording thing, aren’t I? My point is, COVID-19 sucks for us gods. It’s giving us problems. But mostly, those problems are mine.

Before the virus, things were nice and easy for me. Sure, there were plenty of mortal deaths in the world before. Like the 1860’s, with the Civil War? That caused me quite some paperwork with all of those American deaths.

But the last couple of years, it wasn’t all that bad. I got to relax a little. 

Then, that stupid COVID-19 hit. Every single day, thousands and thousands of people die from that pandemic. Not to mention that people still die from regular things, too. Old age, strokes, car accidents, suicide, and getting attacked by a strangely aggressive house cat. I mean, wild animal.

That’s a lot of paperwork. In fact, even as I’m recording this, I’m filling out hundreds of forms at once for Minos, Rhadamanthus, and Aeacus to look at when they sentence dead mortals to their fate. 

Do you know how stressful that is?! 

You know, it never really was easy. Because of the strangeness of the mortal world, I have to fill out different slots for babirusas, mimesis, and zebrine. 

Wait. That sounds wrong. I mean baccate, machair, and zoogamy. 

No. That’s not it, either. Hm. . .

Ah! I got it. I have to fill out different forms for boomers, millennials, and zoomers. I think that’s it. Filling out those different forms thousands of times a day really gets on my nerves. 

I’m considering retiring, but once I retire, Pluto will reign the Underworld. He has the habit of decorating the Underworld with too many gems and jewels that light up the Underworld like it’s a disco party. Puh-leeze! That’s so out of style. Get out of the 1970’s, Pluto!

So I have to deal with all of the work that comes with being a god of the Underworld. Besides the staggering paperwork, COVID-19 has really gotten the gods in a bloodthirsty mood. They would ask me to kill so many mortals that it was getting annoying.

“Kill Trump for me!” Persephone would shout. “He thinks that climate change is a hoax! Nature should be ashamed of him.”

“Kill Biden!” Ares would yell at me whenever he visited. “He wants to end the gun violence epidemic in America! Disgraceful!”

Kill this woman, kill this man, kill this person who doesn’t identify as those two genders. The list goes on and on and on. Why do the gods assume that it’s my job to kill mortals?! Ask Thanatos! Or the Fates! Or even Morpheus! Why me?!?! 

That’s two ways COVID-19 is making my immortal life harder. Want to hear more?

I imagine your answer is one delicate and eloquent word: ‘No!’

What a shame. I want to go on!

Have you ever considered how agitated my wife Persephone would be because of this virus? Being the goddess of Spring and vegetation, she associates with nature a lot. Too much, actually. I’ve told her countless amounts of times that flowers don’t go with the Underworld vibe, but she wouldn’t budge. So I made her a garden in the palace and planted some things in the fields of Asphodel, because I’m such a wonderful husband. 

Jeez. I’ve gone off topic so many times now that I'm quite annoyed with myself. I imagine you are, too. What’s that phrase that mortals use? ‘Salpinx, not salpinx’? No. ‘Saltire, not saltire’? Nope. ‘Sorry, not sorry’? That’s the one. Sorry not sorry!

The bottom line is: My wife loves nature and hates things that harm the earth.

So how would she feel about the countless number of plastic masks that are being littered across the world?

You might think that she’s not happy about it. You might be thinking of ways she’s expressing her anger. And if you are, think of how she might be reacting to this problem, and make it ten times worse. 

Persephone has quite a temper. As a result, it’s giving me major stress issues that won’t go away. If you think gods don’t have stress, you’re wrong. If gods didn’t have stress, you would get nothing but perfect weather. But Zeus is always quite distressed, meaning you get pouring rain, sleet, droughts, hurricanes, and other disastrous weather year round. Hooray!

On that happy note, I think this is a good time to end. Well, you heard it here first, folks. Greek gods exist. They started COVID-19. The god of the Underworld is suffering because of this pandemic. Ares is against the Democrats, and Persephone is against the Republicans. 

This is--

Lord Hades, you have paperwork to do. Remember?

Yes, yes. I know, Thanatos. I have to fill out the paperwork so Kobe Bryant can go to Elysium, like he deserves.

That is correct.

Can I finish up recording now? You ruined my joke!

Yes, sir. Sorry, sir.

Shoo!

This is Hades on “Hardships of Hades”, putting the ‘fun’ in funerals ever since two thousand years ago. See you next time! Da-da-da-dee-do-da!