No One Knows What Ghosts Do in the Dark

I wish it could all end with erasing my name from the minds of those who loved me. Because then I would at least have the memories of once being loved. Instead, I am distant from everyone. Like a whisper in a crowd, there, but not really heard. I sit in my dark cottage by myself staring at the blueprints and books on my desk like they are doctrine. I’ve memorized every word, every sketch, every idea. All of this comes down to today. Five years of planning, five years of pulling myself out of other people's hearts. It ends today. I stand from my desk. The metal chair scraping lightly against the wood floor boards. I find myself taking my time, even though today is important. I go through my routine as I usually do. Moving through like normal beside the boxes packed. I change in the rising sunlight coming through the blinds. I splash water on my face and look in the dirty mirror of the bathroom. I stare longer than necessary, scrutinising every detail of my face. My long blond hair is a mess, one I don’t bother to fix. My eyes have bags under them from long nights of research, and my eyes themselves are empty. They're empty because there's no one in my life to spark the fire. I go back to my desk after eating a bland meal alone, my only company the dust hanging from the ceiling fan. My desk is the only thing not packed into boxes, and even then there are only three boxes in my small home. I intend to leave them. I won’t need them where I’m going anyway. I take the book and blueprints and tuck them into a leather satchel. I grab my cloak from where it's draped over the chair and throw it on. The brown fabric covers me completely and I lift the hood so it hides most of my face. I don’t look back as I walk out the front door. The air is smokey, a smell I have grown accustomed to over the years. I step down onto the wood planks that surround the house. The wood stretches out into platforms and paths all held above a river by solid concrete beams. I look out on the disgusting water. A fishing village reduced to nothing. I walk along the path, the wood creaking with every step. Usually I keep my head down and remain invisible, but today I allow myself a glance at what I could have had. I pass by a small wood house. Eric’s house. The lights are off. He’s probably still sleeping, he always slept in no matter how late we were. The thought makes my lips twitch up in a small smile. My best friend was there for me when my dad died of illness. We were 16 and he stood by me. He promised to be there always and I knew he meant it. That's exactly why I cut him out. He was too brave, too loyal, too stupid. The first few years of my coldness he tried, but everyone gives up at some point. Especially when they're getting nothing in return. I gave him the void of emotion until he couldn’t handle it anymore. Like trapping a flower in the dark, one drop of sunlight from someone else and the flower chooses a new route. Now if we see each other it's like he doesn’t see me, not out of spite but just out of distance. He has other friends, friends who treat him right. It's better this way. It won’t hurt him when I fade away, he probably won’t even notice. I walk by his house like it's nothing. My legs move on in strong strides, while my heart tears itself in half, leaving a piece at his doorstep. It's early with the sun just rising, casting a soft glow across the town. There are a few children running along the docks, a few stray fishermen trying desperately to get food, but someone catches my eye. Someone I was hoping to forget about completely. Sophia Colman walks by me like the wind on a hot muggy day. When the sun is melting your face off and that breeze comes in with instant relief. Then she continues on without even looking at me. I force myself not to follow her. We didn’t know each other that well while my father was alive, but we were something, there was a spark. Then my father passed and that spark got doused with water. Sometimes at night when I’m feeling particularly like torturing myself I imagine a life where we worked out. I sometimes look to the empty side of my bed and picture someone there. I imagine a life with love in it, but that would mean she would love me too. I can’t have that because I don’t want to leave behind a bunch of hurt people. I clench my jaw and continue. I make it to the edge of the village limits where wood meets land. I pause and look back. I hate myself for it, because it hurts. It hurts more than I thought it would. I thought I was detached from this place. Everyone else is detached from me, but I guess I never fully let this place go. It's harder to move forward if you're stuck in the past. Stuck in a world where everyone moves around me and I stand still. I snap myself out of it and keep moving into the tree line. I walk for a few more minutes until I reach a hill. I trudge up the muddy hill on the outskirts of town, my boots squelching loudly. No one knows I’m gone, but that is for the best. There are footsteps along the path, but I was the one who left them there. No one goes this way anymore since the Onyx nation put their factory here. Our small towns' rivers are polluted, illness is raging, fish are hard to come by, people are terrified. I make my way to the top of the hill to the base of the large Iron factory wall. Dark metal pipes run out the side and pump sludge into the river with a sloshing sound. I walk closer to the wall. There are no guards patrolling, or even watching the area. There is no need for it because of the one safety measure the Onyx nation has installed. The factory is all run by programs I’ve read about it over and over again. The way to destroy the building is something I’ve been preparing for since my father died. I was furious and young, but not stupid. I poured over books and information until I found the failsafe. The problem was there would be no time for the person pushing the self-destruct button to escape. I started to pull away because it's easier for others to deal with your death if you're already a ghost. Learning the code took years, but now the Onyx factory is going down. My town will be safe, Eric will be happy, and Sophia will find someone who will love her with everything they have. I find the metal door on the front of the factory and pull out my tools from my satchel. I use a screw driver to pry off the front casing of the touch pad to reveal a series of wires. Disabling the front pad next to the door takes ten minutes. Ten minutes of me twisting and cutting wires. It was faster than I thought it would be. When I cut the last red wire, the metal door slides upwards with a slight screech revealing a hallway bathed in light red lights. I step through quickly with my cloak whipping behind me. I walk down the hallway with purpose. I won’t let my town suffer anymore because of the Onyx. The hallway opens up into a large metal room. It's mostly space. It's an octagon shape with high metal walls and solid grates for the floor. In the front are a few steps sloping down to a control station. I descend the two steps onto the lower platform and pull out a few documents from my satchel. I double check them even though I know what I’m doing. I shove them back in the bag and step closer. The controls are on a long panel with a large screen in the middle. It's familiar to me after all the years of studying and learning for this moment. Next to the screen is a large gray button. The button that will finish this mess if I can disable the walls holding it back. My hands hover against the controls and for the first time since making my plan, I hesitate. I don’t want to die, but I can’t let other little girls go through what I went through when my father died. I can’t let other people suffer. Our town doesn’t stand a chance against the Onyx nation. People have given up because there is no hope. The odds were always against us, so people accepted their fate. I’m not a hero, people won’t know my name or what I did, and that's fine. That's what I signed myself up for. I grind my teeth and force my hand to move. I start to decode the building. Every push of a button, every wall I break down, my mind spirals a little farther. I wish things were different. I wish I could live the life I want, but sacrifices need to be made sometimes. Victories aren’t for everyone to enjoy. The hero doesn’t get everything they want, not realistically. I may not come out on top, but my town will, and that's what matters. They may never know who, or how, but the victory is for them. My end is for their beginning. I smile softly at the thought of freedom. Parades will be held. They may celebrate without my name on their lips, but they will be celebrating. They will be happy. I continue to hack into the system, getting closer to my goal. I’ve never been one who needs attention. I don’t need the town to worship my sacrifice. I don’t need a statue in my honor. I need everyone to be safe. Which includes safety and suffering from the pain of losing a loved one. I know how that feels. My father was my only family, the only one I had left. When he died from the illness caused by the pollution, I was broken. That pain felt like someone had stopped my heart along with his, and even as I kept living, it never started beating again. I will not force that pain on others. Being invisible is easier than being a wound on everyone's hearts. There is a small beeping sound as my fingers fly across the screen.

“Access granted” a robotic female voice says and the gray button blooms into a deep red color. I don’t press it right away. I know I’m going to do it. Five years of solitude and determination have made up my mind. I still stall, because I am simply human. At this point, I’m already more of a ghost than a person. Except I will not haunt, no, I’ll go quietly without a sound, even as the factory explodes into a burst of light and cacophony. I will go out peacefully. I take a deep breath and position myself in front of the button. My hand hovers above the glowing red reset, the light casting my hand in an eerie red blaze. This is for my father, for every parent that left their children too soon. This is for every kid, teenager and adult. Safety comes at a price, and I’m happy to pay it. I slam my hand on the button and for a slow second nothing happens. No pain, just the sound of my breathing. That's the last sound I hear before my vision goes white and pain sears through me so fast I almost don’t feel it. My last thought is peace. Peace against everything and everyone saying there was no hope. I carved a path into existence. I chiseled hope where there was none, and while no one will ever know it was me that caused this victory for our town, I know, and that's enough.