The Voices Inside My Head...

The voices in my head are telling me something…

I am in a labyrinth.

All the cries in my head were telling me something extremely different. My head didn’t have the mechanisms to reflect or linger, it just jumped to a resolution because it saw the world at face value and searched no deeper than it should. The fog in my head augmented as my head made transitions by spinning around incessantly. I was in a labyrinth…

How did I get here?

Had I been here before?

Of course, I got no convincing answer.

I surveyed my neighbours; it was just like my normal life with cars and houses; my environment did not vary from anything else I had seen before; like my normal life. My eyes kept cruising to catch something. Suddenly I realized a light at the end of this channel; it was a trail heading up to something colossal.

Was this a figment of my imagination?

My Meemaw told me that actions and words are divergent; no not like the book. Words make up the world that we wish to live in, they create Utopia and actions generate the Utopia to come alive and my brain didn’t have the thinking capacity to establish its own Utopia nor the techniques to do so; so, it just went with the flow and questioned nothing; until now. 

I have been in many worlds before jungle, moon, rainforest, and considerably more than I can even remember. I feel like my intellect is playing tricks on me and I cannot stop this utter absurdity.

The walls of this labyrinth make me feel confined making me claustrophobic, even little noises echoed in the ambiance, that making up of my shivering and breathing and the built-up of condensation in my glasses causes my vision to be warped and the wisp of white on my glasses makes me lose my sense of direction; but I can still see the light at the end of this tunnel as it will be my guide through this labyrinth. 

In the reflection of a window, I looked at myself distorted, panicked, and I ran my palm over the brick wall to touch something absolute. This wasn’t a phantom. This was reality. I thought that the sun should set already; I had stayed here for so long pondering and waiting; however, the neighbouring light seemed so luminant as the noon beat down upon my head.

I noticed that there was something peculiar about this tunnel as I walked towards it, as it looked familiar and overly memorable. Each crack and crevice of the homes looked well known. It was like wandering along the same trail; the familiarity startled me, but I just carried on walking forward.

I lumbered to the centre of an insignificant town; it was derelict, like my brain. I heard the taunting voices telling me I wasn’t suitable for society; meaning I didn’t have a normal brain persuading me to go to therapy, and I genuinely tried not to take any of that to heart, but it didn’t work. The word sin rang in my ear; that is what I was: a curse. I know for a fact that it is hard for me to be alive. Nothing was real to me anymore. My world was becoming a virtual reality, and I hoped that all the medical operations make me normal again.

Normal is an unachievable fantasy.

Every step I took in this tunnel brought me closer to my destiny. It drew me closer to the light in the distance, getting closer by the second, and it made me want to run towards it. Every step I drew, the light ebbed away, its luminescence burned out, causing it to dwindle and fade. How had I stumbled into this labyrinth? 

My feet chilled before the air and ground became so cold, the sky emptied itself as the last raindrop and cloud passed away; there was nothing to look up to. It was all gone. My mind was disorientated. Nothing was going right; nothing was guiding me anymore because of the light withering in the distance. Even it didn’t appreciate me. The voices in my head were howling; it was sheer turmoil. None of this was intriguing, and I had never felt this overwhelmed by my senses. This was becoming unbearable. So, I ran through the labyrinth; my distorted vision caused me to slip over my very own feet but my voices continued to shout at each other. It was all so messed up.

I didn’t know how to differentiate between virtual and reality? 

Was I hallucinating?

Everything seemed to beckon me to come towards it; it was signalling my name and luring me towards my fate. I didn’t want any of this. I didn’t want my life, my friends, my intellect. Nothing. The mere request I had from God was to make my suffering go away; I demanded to be alone; as I preferred it that way, but evidently it doesn’t matter what I prefer, but what society prefers. My doctors wanted me to have a social life and adequate friends to cope with my condition, but I don’t and that doesn’t matter.

I recognized a familiar building, and I realized; this was my destination, making it my entire world. My inner navigation was wrong. I didn’t want to be here or anywhere near it, but it was the end of the labyrinth. It was a complete circle.

What was the point of my journey?

Summoning me in front, the hospital stood proudly; with its doors wide open and the nurses staring intently at me to come inside quickly before I collapse again. Though the hospital has been my home for the last month, it has always felt alien to me. Every inch of the building was a habitation of torture; they did experiments and operations on my brain to discover its capacity and willpower. I was a guinea pig being tested on; reluctantly. As expected, I had no say in this because ostensibly it was good for me.

Yes, it was good that schizophrenia had taken over my existence.

Everything in this world was a secret; because I understood none of it and the labyrinth has taken me to my ultimate resting place.

The labyrinth was all an uncontrollable hallucination.