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Write about a character going to great lengths to return an unwanted gift.

Posted in Funny on Nov 18, 2022

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✍️ 22 stories

How to Return a Book Titled "How to Improve Your Writing in Five Easy Steps" in Five Easy Steps

Winner of Contest #173 🏆

It was an anxious and desperate night; my sweat fell in torrents—except at occasional intervals, when it was checked by the violent shriek of a middle-aged white woman with an unchecked ego which swept up the aisles (for it is in Walmart that our scene lies), rattling along the plastic toy displays, and fiercely agitating the volatile attitude of the underpaid sixteen-year-old who struggled against the onslaught of last-minute shoppers.There I stood, holding my unopened copy of How to Improve Your Writing in Five Easy Steps, resting on my tw...

169 likes 107 comments 107
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How to Return a Half-Eaten Cheeseburger From 1997

Shortlisted for Contest #173 ⭐️

2006  You’re still there, right where I left you, wrapped up in the yellow wax paper blanket that keeps you warm against the ice-cold breath of the refrigerator. Even now, I still worry about you. In those sudden frantic moments that I cannot immediately locate you, I tear apart my refrigerator, pushing aside the tubs of low-fat yogurt and bottles of diet Snapple, until I find you, my one and only cheeseburger, tucked away in some icy, back corner, breathing in whatever years, days, seconds you have left of your precious, predeterm...

65 likes 65 comments 65
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The Posy of a Ring

Submitted to Contest #173

George Kourkoumelis is mad as a cut snake, and I was hoping this might work in my favor. In his little office out the back of the Kourka Service Station, he looked caged, but not securely. It wasn’t his natural habitat, the office. Right now he seemed to be checking the back of his computer for nits.I cleared my throat. “George, you got a moment?”He spun, arms akimbo, ready for anything—hold-ups, shoplifters, pretty girls—and fixed me with his coal-black eyes. “Adam! What’s up, bud? We’re out of unleaded, sorry. Coffee machine’s backed up li...

27 likes 18 comments 18
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The Misadventures of Camilla Cuthbert

Submitted to Contest #173

Silas Peppernut had chosen the wrong job, but there was no way for a witch to pay rent in New York City, no matter how many spells she cast on the dilapidated bureau that served as an altar, without getting a day job. Silas, who had arranged her smile as carefully as she’d arranged her mascara (hoping that a pretty pair of eyes would steal attention from her acne, and cursing the paucity of African shades in the cosmetics section of Duane Reade) and could feel her enamel wear away as one customer after another bolted to the service desk wit...

15 likes 6 comments 6
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It's Just a Coffeemaker!

Submitted to Contest #173

Susan clutched the soggy box in her hands as the rain beat down from on high. The colors in the cheap packaging were beginning to run together, blurring the words and the empty smile of the model on the box—a vapid white guy who looked like his top priorities in life were being right about everything and hitting their mansplaining quota before breakfast. Or maybe she was reading into his sneering smile. After all, it was what was in the box, not on it, that was the important thing. Although that wasn’t quite true either. The box containe...

14 likes 3 comments 3
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T.M.I.

Submitted to Contest #173

More bitter than sweet was the ceremony on that sunny but shocking day. I am so much less than grateful for my gift. So, to you, I must inveigh. I arrived at the city center, chipper, got there about midday. And so, I received my gift and then my soul started to decay. These gifts are supposed to elevate all of our community relations. All my gift has done is irritate me and test my patience. My friend got the gift of healing, some were assigned to speak in tongues, some got the gift of teaching, and some simply got wisdom. To know the deepe...

13 likes 5 comments 5
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Return of the King

Submitted to Contest #173

Language Warning “Can’t you just take it?” “Unfortunately, I can’t sir.  Not without a receipt.”   The kid at the counter stares back at me.   Only half of his irises are showing from under his eyelids.  I think I read somewhere that that means a person is secretly insane, but he’s probably just stoned.     The register beeps and fluorescent lights start chipping away at my restraint.  What’s more, the store is still playing Christmas music even though it's fucking January.  “It w...

11 likes 7 comments 7
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The Gift Worth Giving Up

Submitted to Contest #173

“Sister!” “Sister wake up!” I jump awake to the sound of gleeful screams and tugging of my arms from my two younger siblings. Groaning in contempt, I slowly open my crusted, sleep-filled eyes to groggily glare at the overexcited children. The bright light shining from my oriel windows blinded me and I shut them hurriedly in pain. “Sister, it’s time to get up. It’s Christmas!” By this time, the youngest of the two, Christina, has crawled on top of me and is enthusiastically jumping on my unmoving body. Meanwhile, her older twin...

11 likes 2 comments 2
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Ms. Gruber

Submitted to Contest #173

Every Christmas Eve, my wife Tiffany, our kids, and I go to my parents’ house. They still live in my childhood home in Mechant Lake, Il. We live in Bloomington now, so it’s a good two hour drive in the best weather.                       A couple of hours after we arrived, and just before dinner, the doorbell rang. My mother stood up and said, “Oh, that must be Joe!”            ...

11 likes 2 comments 2
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A Gift to Keep

Submitted to Contest #173

A Gift to Keep The last of the ladies had left. Leah plonked herself on the sofa, she pulled off her black ballerina shoes, and examined the fair puffy toes. Her girls had really outdone themselves. She could not stop smiling. The balloons, the flowers, the pastel theme, just the baby shower she had dreamt of. Her baby bump showed proudly in the rose gold silk gown. A tiara on her long luscious black mane, a satin sash that read " Mom to Be", she really looked the Queen of her fairy tale. The games, the food everything was perfect. Now it wa...

11 likes 1 comment 1
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Catastrophy Coffee

Submitted to Contest #173

Holidays aren’t the only time one can receive gifts and I had received loads of gifts from my family members when I got my first place. I’m Mira and I achieved living-on-my-own status at 33.  It’s a two-bedroom duplex apartment and after too many years of paying off student debt, I finally got to move out on my own. I love my family but living with them forever can make one feel restricted. And I never lived with friends because every time I saw friends live with friends, they ended up not friends; socially claustrophobic. So, I accept...

11 likes 1 comment 1
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No Returns, No Exceptions

Submitted to Contest #173

Christopher checked the drawer again. It was the first time in his life that he felt like he had gotten the exact right gift for a girlfriend. He had watched for clues for what Jessica would like for months. He asked her, of course, but she would always say she didn’t really know what she wanted, and that he didn’t have to get her anything, really, because she just wanted to spend time with him. Sure.  He watched her reactions to holiday sale commercials. He chatted up her friends. He checked her closet to see what color was most commo...

11 likes 1 comment 1
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Thoughtful or malicious?

Submitted to Contest #173

When Courtney opened Great Aunt Crystal’s Christmas present, she was confused. Inside the box was a porcelain doll with straight black hair, eerily white and cold skin, and an ugly old-fashioned dress with massive, cracked buttons. Courtney was twenty-seven and had never shown any interest in toy collecting. Sure, Great Aunt Crystal’s mind was probably not in the best condition, but anyone would know this choice of gift made absolutely no sense. The doll itself seemed be aware of this too, as it’s large and lifeless glass eyes stared vacantl...

10 likes 1 comment 1
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Gift Exchange

Submitted to Contest #173

The house was full of excitement as the sound of paper ripped and flew in the air. Each of my family unwrapped gifts that were being passed out to each of us. Looking at my mom, dad, and aunt's face made me laugh. They would look at each gave as they open up the most unwanted gift. Mom opened a back scratcher from my aunt. My mom studied it with a half smile. “Thank you sissy I love it.” Mom said, “You welcome sissy I knew that you would.” My aunt responded back.   This is why I give a Christmas list to each person that is shoppin...

10 likes 1 comment 1
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Secret Santa

Submitted to Contest #173

“Another office meeting,” I thought to myself trying to gulf down my coffee which I irresistibly detested however after stealing my roommates assortment of Keurigs since she moved in I ought to be contented with the little gifts.“I am glad that you two could make it,” our boss Pete stood in the center of the break room with his arms wide directing us to a seat. I sighed making myself comfortable near the bathroom so I could easily slip away. “As you know,” Pete’s creepy mustache moved every time he spoke. He really resembled a trailer p...

10 likes 2 comments 2
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