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“Write a story about a cynic who has been told to start a "gratitude journal," and does so — begrudgingly.”

Posted in Funny on Jul 26, 2024

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✍️ 54 stories

Fiddle-dee-dee!

Weekly Contest #261

The man himself is coming to tell us—Vice President Numb Nuts. He's such a spineless wimp. How did he ever become a vice president? I'll tell you how. It's because Boeing is not what it used to be. That's it. Its current level of incompetence is staggering. I used to be proud to be part of this company, but those days have long vanished. And sitting over there is another reason I've lost confidence: Clark Suck-face Truman. Look at him all smug and confident. I can see what he's thinking. He's such an open book. He's thinking of his thank you...

46 likes 51 comments 51
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He Should Have Read It

Weekly Contest #261

Story contains foul language “Got a pen?” he asked, waving a blue spiral notebook just inches in front of my face. “On my desk.”  “Can you fucking get it?”  “You’re literally standing right next to it.”  Reluctantly, he picks up the pen and waves it at me as well. “Aren’t you going to ask why I fucking need it?”  “I’m assuming you have something to write down in your notebook.”  “Not a notebook, a fucking journal. The fucking stupid therapist is making me keep a gratitude journal for a week. You’re the writer in the...

31 likes 36 comments 36
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The Gratitude Journal

Weekly Contest #261

July 12, 2022· I’m grateful for a beautiful girlfriend who gave me this wonderful gratitude journal (please note the sarcasm. Sarcasm on the word wonderful, not on the word beautiful).· I’m grateful you’re only making me use it once a month.· I’m grateful for the sunset we saw today (and that you told me to write that, because I couldn’t think of a third thing on my own. Why do you like sunsets so much anyway?) August 12, 2022· I’m grateful for the fun date we had last night at that delicious (yet slightly overpriced) res...

24 likes 28 comments 28
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Stupid, Useless, Waste of Time Journal

Weekly Contest #261

[TW: Mental health issues and swearing] 7/1/23Dear Journal?Am I supposed to write that? I never wrote a diary, but everyone writes "Dear Diary." What's the difference between a diary and a journal? This is stupid, anyway. I have nothing to say. What am I grateful for? My pen hasn't run out of ink. Yippee. When was the last time I even used a pen?  7/8/23Fuck you, Journal,Everything sucks. Work is miserable. My leg hurts. I'm grateful for finding a hot dog in the freezer for lunch. 7/15/23Fuck you, Journal,I'm grateful that a volcano did...

19 likes 5 comments 5
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Nuclear Cynicism

Weekly Contest #261

Darren glowered venomously and tossed the gratitude journal onto the small glass-topped side table. He sank deep into the office's large recliner and briefly considered the effort that would be required to lunge at Colette and strangle her. Just climbing out of the chair would be troublesome enough, and clearing the side table would give her plenty of time to react defensively. Of course, she had to be a good fifteen years older than him. Perhaps her reaction time would prove insufficient.Colette blinked, still wearing her professional, neut...

18 likes 13 comments 13
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Beyond Wonderful

Weekly Contest #261

Entry 1:Oh boy! Am I grateful! Words can’t convey how grateful I am. Who would believe the over-flowing, Olympic sized pool of…? ‘Gratitude’ doesn’t even describe it.This is the first entry of my required ‘Gratitude Journal.’ I’m already thrilled to express how utterly grateful I am for so many things in my godforsaken life. Let me count the ways… For instance, I’m grateful I no longer have my family to worry about. They were such a drag. Always nosing into my business, where they didn’t belong. I’m alone. I feel so liberated, I could sing!N...

18 likes 10 comments 10
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Gratitude

Weekly Contest #261

Nurse Gladys wheeled the cantankerous nonagenarian into the dining room of the Sunrise Assisted Living Center. She navigated through the maze of tables until she found a table with some residents that she thought wouldn’t mind sharing the table with him. Positioning his wheelchair in a one of the two spots left, she greeted the two ladies already seated there.“Good evening, ladies. How would you like some company for dinner?”“That’s fine, Gladys. Arthur is welcome to join us,” said the one named Ethyl. Miriam nodded in ag...

16 likes 14 comments 14
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Things I sort-of like

Weekly Contest #261

May rustles around in the plastic bag for a few moments before handing the small book to Ethan. He glares at the book, and then back at her,“You’re having me on. There were no others you could have picked up?”He scorns at the pink sparkly hardback diary in his hands. Flipping the pages, observing the contents. ‘Gratitude’ is pasted in big bold glittery letters on the front cover.“It’s the only one they had in the store so it’ll have to do. Besides, the outside of it doesn’t matter. Who’s going to see it anyway?” She places the plastic bag on...

11 likes 2 comments 2
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Where is the Goddam Cowbird?

Weekly Contest #261

“Oh, there’s all kinds of witches,” said the gray-haired crone as she pulled the leather-bound journal from off the shelf behind her desk.“And which are you?” said Pippa, enjoying the banter with this cranky old lady in the Wicca World retail store, who was playing the part of mischievous witch to a fault.“Depends on the situation or the person, I can be good or bad”, said the old woman, placing the book on the desk so that Pippa could examine it.Pippa flicked through the writing journal to make sure it was suitable. The paper felt old ...

11 likes 7 comments 7
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Epistolary of a Bitch Bird

Weekly Contest #261

December 7th: Today was my first day of therapy. Bitchette told me to start a gratitude journal. Lucky me that meeting with that boorish woman is court mandated so I guess we’ll have to give Bitchette a shot, well not like that kind of shot. Fuck this stupid shit face thing! I hope she sticks to her word that she’ll just check to make sure I’m filling it out and not actually read it. I didn’t put that man on his deathbed, he’s only limping for a few weeks and his pride is shot to hell, but still I have to put up with this. Alas, I’m impresse...

10 likes 2 comments 2
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Confessions of a Crabby Cynic

Weekly Contest #261

Walter Crabb was a master of the art of grumbling. His colleagues often joked that if they needed a lecture on why the world was going to hell in a handbasket, Walter was their guy. When his boss, Claire, suggested he start a gratitude journal during a mandatory team-building workshop, Walter’s reaction could have curdled milk.“Just try it for a month,” Claire had said, her smile as radiant as a sunrise. “It’ll improve your outlook and productivity.”Walter had barely concealed his disdain. “Oh, sure, because jotting down ‘I’m grateful for co...

10 likes 7 comments 7
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Me, Myself, and My Wasted Time: Juvenile Rehabilitation Edition

Weekly Contest #261

July 6, 2023Dear Diary, Journal? This stupid thing I’m being forced to do? Whatever I’m supposed to call it. I am to write the things I am grateful for, like writing about my feelings will somehow make me see that my life is full and happy. Blah, blah, blah. I make fun of people who do things like this, not partake in it myself. It’s fine though, a few stupid entries and I can have my freedom back, talk about something to be grateful for. I’m definitely not grateful for the juvenile center that thinks a little bit of therapy and crafts wil...

9 likes 4 comments 4
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The Gratitude Journal

Weekly Contest #261

“It’s like this doc. I have lost all my former friends, and my family has pretty much abandoned me, and nobody talks to me at work unless it is strictly necessary for business. They call me lacking in gratitude, saying that they cannot remember a time when I said ‘thank you’ to any one of them. I know that I have to change my ways, but I do not have a clue as to how I can do that. I need your help doc. Things have to change drastically in my life, or I will spend the rest of my days alone, very alone.”  &nb...

8 likes 4 comments 4
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She made me do it

Weekly Contest #261

The therapist appointed to me by Human Resources told me I should be able to deal more healthily with my feelings, and I told her she might have better conditions than me to think that's remotely possible. She told me as well I should write how I feel in a journal because that's supposed to help me cope with my demons. Apparently, she has not learned yet that my demons have human form and walk the corridors of my office and the rooms in my house. I'm surrounded and damned, but she does not see it that way. According to that intelligent woman...

8 likes 4 comments 4
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The Art of Gratitude

Weekly Contest #261

Daniel sat on a cushioned office chair, fingers interlaced and set before him as he stared at his friend—his annoying, non-stop-chattering friend. She—Sarah—talked for what seemed like hours about rubbish, saying dumb words like “gratitude” or “integrity.” Daniel couldn’t tell if he wanted to smash his face really hard into the table or fall asleep while she talked.“Come on, Daniel,” Sarah pleaded, brushing her dark hair from her face. “You’re such a…cynic. Can’t you try anything that involves others?”“Yep,” said Daniel dismissively, shuffli...

7 likes 8 comments 8
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