Past, Present, Future

Crying. Yearning and crying. Yearning for a present that isn’t mine, crying for the past that I have lost. The past I lost to her. Who that “her” is exactly, I am unsure. Yet I know exactly where my pain lies.

I sit here, the place that was ours both warm and cold all at the same time. Part of it is warm, like the upcoming summer days, the other part is cold, like the days past. It's been about four months since January, and the memory of their face is beginning to fade. Turning into pictures of hands on coffee cups, shoulders bouncing from laughter, and legs running through the ocean. Four months, and the idea of moving on feels like a marathon: small breaths of fresh air along the way, yet the finish line moves further away every second. I know that with this time frame, I should be further along the road to “okay” or “healed” or “moved on” but it feels impossible. The world without them feels like a universe with no sun, no light, nothing to save you from the cold. I don't understand why it's not easier for me. I know why they're gone, but I don't know where they are. The unknown lingers over my head, while the knowledge I do have sits heavy in my heart.

Tonight, I plan to sit on the rocks. The rocks near the ocean where the waves crash and the birds screech. We used to sit here, talk about the things we want in life, the things that make us scared, the things that connect us. Sometimes, we wouldn't say a word. Sitting in silence meant more than talking. Having each other there meant more than words could say. But now, the idea of sitting there alone, not a soul to even think about uttering a word to, it all feels wrong. My brain knows that you had to go, no matter how much it pains me to say it, fate had to win this one battle. My heart, on the other hand, doesn't know whether to move on and find new joys in life, or sit here trying to keep the memories I have of you fresh. Either way, I will sit on the rocks. I will sit and think about what we did here, why it mattered, and why everything happened the way it did. I may find a conclusion, I may not. It could end like every other time, leaving, shaking after just 5 minutes, everything always still too sudden. But, I will try, I will try for you.

A few months before everything changed, we were walking down our local city streets. Looking at restaurants, walking through parks, looking through shop windows. Window shopping was always more important to us than actually shopping. We didn't have to spend any money for us to have fun. As long as we had each other, we were able to enjoy pretty much any activity. On this specific day, we gave ourselves a budget. We could only spend $30. This included food, any drinks, anything we wanted to buy in stores. This forced us to find random places to eat and drink, places that we wouldn't normally choose to go. We got to look at stores, everywhere we went, we looked at what we liked, guessed the price, and then looked at what it actually cost. Usually, we were pretty far off. Small town stores always seem to have more expensive things. This day, we got ramen and boba at a small place near the end of downtown, costing about half our budget. The rest of the day, we looked around and found a few little shops that we wanted to explore. We spent the rest of our money on our matching bracelets.

Today, my bracelets lay on my wrist, gentle as my lost ones touch. Their bracelet sits on the windowsill in their room, untouched. It pains me to know that my present and future won't have you in it, no matter how hard I try. I can keep the picture, keep the items, I can keep the memories. But I will never be able to keep you. My heart holds on, holds on as tight as it can, knowing if I change my thoughts for just a moment you might slip away. But maybe my brain is ready to move on. I can keep everything, but I can also create things. I can create a future that makes me the priority, because I’m still here. I shouldn't have to sit like this forever just because you're gone. I won't abandon the ideas of you, what you did still matters, the mark you left on my world still matters. It always will matter. Still, I also matter.

These past 4 months have been hard. Trying to stay myself while trying to keep the memory of you has probably been the hardest thing that I've done in a long time. Knowing that you're not coming back no matter how hard I try has been the hardest idea to grasp. Yet, I've learned a lot. Here are three things that I have learned. The good will almost always outweigh the bad. Being us wasn't always easy, I suppose it's not supposed to be. But the good memories have stayed in my brain better than the bad. I'm forever grateful for that. Two things can be true. I can hurt and miss you, but I can also persevere and live a life knowing that I am strong. I keep the memory of you alive while also creating new memories. Life is forever changing. A year ago, I was yours and you were mine, through everything. Four months ago I lost everything. Today, I know that I can move on and live.

I know that for as long as I live, I will miss walking with you, I'll miss sitting on the rocks with you, I'll miss being yours and you being mine. All that being said, I know that I missed life. And from now on, I know that life can be mine again. I can enjoy things without a sense of guilt. I am finally mine again.