The Gentleman's Parcel

May 3rd, 1877

Dear Mr. Crumpet,

I am in receipt of your package, though I must admit I am quite surprised by its contents and am unclear about the reason for its sending. Of course, I do appreciate what you sent, as I know you well enough to understand that you are a thoughtful and intelligent person. Therefore, I request that, at your convenience, you provide a thorough explanation of exactly what I should be doing with it. I do not wish to appear insincere, or even foolish, but it is, well, how to put it—quite extraordinary. Please, sir, do give me an understanding, as I do not wish to continue in ignorance.

Yours truly,

D. Wicket

-P.S.: Your last correspondence indicated you were expecting to travel to the subcontinent in the near future. If that is the case, please send me a photograph of the Taj Mahal. I hear it is a true marvel of the people who built it. If such an opportunity does not present itself in the natural course of your time, then by all means do not bother with an extra trip on my behalf.

June 5th, 1877

My dear Mr. Wicket,

I did not think the package required explanation, as you have indicated in the past that it would be quite the thing for you in your troubled times. Since you do not lack the faculties to discern its use, I assume you are, despite your repeated explanations, playing in jest. Ah, how fun you were in our old days! Those times at school in which you would play the most splendid tricks on our unwitting teachers or mates were some of my fondest memories. Indeed, you remain to this day quite the joker!

As for your second request, I will make my best attempt to retrieve for you the photograph, but I do not know if my journey will allow me the pleasure of seeing the great tomb. I have, however, procured the services of a local guide who, according to his resume, can take the most fantastic photographs using a glass negative. I truly believe this is the most extraordinary time to be alive!

Adieu,

J. D. Crumpet, IV

-P.S.: Your sister had inquired about me last time we saw each other while in your father’s study. Please send her my warmest regards. I will, if she pleases, also send her tidings from India.

June 28th, 1877

My Longest and Dearest Friend, Mr. Crumpet,

I appreciate your reply, even though it arrived later than would have been useful, as the parcel now collects dust in my parlor, unused. I do, of course, still hold you in esteem and maintain the belief that you will explain its use in your next letter.

While I do recall our days as youthful pranksters during our time at R. Hamilton’s Reformed School for Wayward Boys, there were plenty of days filled without said jokes. Days with joyous fun, wit, and learning. But those charming, schoolboy pranks were indeed some of the most exciting moments of our youth. I believe that you, too, were the facilitator of many such jokes. Most humorous, of course, is you asking about my sister and her inclination towards a favor from your trip to India. I do not believe she was asking for you, so as such, I will put away any mention of her beyond this one sentence.

As for your upcoming trip, I wish you all the good fortune in the world. It is a place I would like to see with my own eyes one day. I will be happy to continue our correspondence; please forward an address to me at your earliest convenience, as it will delay our long-standing exchanges if you do not.

Auf Wiedersehen,

Daniel Wicket

-P.S.: I believe I saw your mother in the market recently, holding arms with a certain Mr. Dykstra of Humboldt Street. You may know the man as one of the many visitors to her weekly game of cribbage, which always seemed to run late into the evening. If she is, in fact, in his company these days, I believe you should be in the best of spirits, for he is known far and wide as the best night-soil man in all of Devil’s Acre.

July 18th, 1877

My Truest and Warmest Childhood Friend, Mr. Wicket,

I leave in the morning for India, and as such, do not possess the time to indulge in your continuous jokes! You give me the hardiest and haughtiest of laughs when I read your questioning of my package! Alas, I would love to continue about that particular situation, but you no doubt will endlessly jest with me if I put no stop to it. Indeed, it brings to me a memory of school, when you slipped two bricks into my backpack, making it hard for me to stand up, so that I rolled over on the ground, and Mr. Smyth gave me three thwacks with his ruler! You are the best, and your love of such pranks endeared all of us to you!

Now, as for the aforementioned question of your sister, it was most certainly true that she asked for me in your father’s study. The situation occurred right as you had left to respond to your doting mother’s calls; she frequently lambasted you for being lazy, and you were ever-eager to please her. Immediately after you stepped out, Sarah spoke at length about how you were attempting to gain employment as a lawyer, though you had no knowledge of law. She felt you were too busy sleeping on your father’s couch to attempt such a feat. Then, she asked me about my marital status, most eagerly, stating that I was too strong and brilliant a man to be wasting time unmarried. Before there was an opportunity to respond, you had returned to us, scolded once again by your mother for being whimsical.

As for my own mother, she was not seen in the company of Mr. Dykstra, as my father accompanies her wherever she goes. Please call on the optometrist, as it is clear your eyes are deceiving you. Given our age, it is perfectly acceptable for a man to see one; it is not at all shameful to admit our frailties, if one has them.

With the best regards,

James D. Crumpet, IV

-P.S.: It is a shame you are unable to afford to travel to see me. I would very much enjoy your companionship on this trip. My mailing address in India is on the back of this letter. If you require recompense for the extra postage to mail to me there, please let me know, and I’ll gladly send you shillings.

July 31st, 1877

To My Ever Faithful Friend Mr. Crumpet,

By now, you likely have arrived at your accommodations, so this letter serves as a simple reminder that you have yet to explain the package you have sent two months past. Please, sir, I ask you again to state its meaning, as I am holding on to hopes of using it soon, since you claimed it would be useful.

My sister, perhaps in hysterics, was mistaken. I am not “attempting” to gain employment as a lawyer, but am indeed already apprenticing with the firm of Lawrence and Huffington. You know them as the lawyers who successfully sued your father for being lascivious with the housemaid he employed when we were children, the one with the unfortunate appearance and the three stunted children who share the same golden hair color as you and your brother.

Your offer to pay for extra postage is both kind and unnecessary, as I have the funds to do so. Thank you; your generosity knows no bounds, and I wish all good men could be as kind and giving as you, with your perfect and moral character.

As I recall correctly, it was you who put the bricks in my bag, causing me to fall over and be upon the receiving end of Mr. Smyth’s unyielding ruler. My pranks were much less harmful and, indeed, truly funny, unlike yours.

I do admit, my eyesight is not what it was in our youth, and I may not have seen your mother with Mr. Dykstra. It may have been Mr. Trumble or Mr. Gelling, for both are frequent visitors to your mother’s cribbage games. There are so many…cribbage players coming and going that I often forget their names.

Please let me know how you are getting along in India, as I am hopeful the warm air will do wonders for you, as your mind is often given to particular notions, the most recent of which is this idea that my sister was complimenting your lifestyle. You do have the best jokes!

Your best friend forever,

Daniel Rutherford Wicket

-P.S.: Don’t forget the photograph, as I wish to see the wondrous abounds of India!

August 31st, 1877

To My Most Excellent and Lifelong Friend, Mr. Wicket,

Enclosed, you will find both the requested photograph of myself in front of the Taj Mahal, as well as a wooden doll in the fashion of the Hindu Goddess Rati, which is for your sister, who writes to me now more often than you do. I would have sent the doll directly to her, but I felt it would be easier to ship the doll and the photograph together. Please see that she gets it, as the doll appears surprisingly like her, down to the last curve.

As for the package, sitting in your parlor unused, your jokes keep me laughing all night! I showed your letters to my roommate, Mr. Sonjay Gupta, and he, too, laughed until the moon was replaced with the sun. I cannot match your wit!

To my knowledge, Mr. Trumble and Mr. Gelling were, like Mr. Dykstra, not seen with my mother, as my father has informed me as such. Please see the optometrist. I’ll pay for it if needs be.

In addition, I would like to address your reference to the attempts by the unscrupulous attorneys to shake my father down for money, which were done out of malice and contempt rather than legal grounds. My father never had any trysts with Mrs. Maple, and her children have a very similar appearance to her husband, who also has golden hair. Lawrence and Huffington are vagabonds who pretend to be lawyers; you should consider it a good fortune that I am warning you of this now, so you may end your false apprenticeship with them and find an actual attorney to take you on. Remember, if you do find one, you should inform them that you never completed law school, so they can give you the extra training you will no doubt require.

Now, as for the air in India, I must say it’s marvelous! You would most certainly enjoy it here. If you should ever find yourself with fortune, or a job that pays you enough to be more than an apprentice, please come see this land for yourself.

I hope to hear from you again. Send my warmest wishes to Sarah, and please tell her how much I think the doll truly does reflect her beauty!

Your faithful friend,

James Dietrich Crumpet, IV

-P.S.: I played polo with the son of the Raj, who assured me I would excel at it if I continued on the path. I know you are not one for sport, since you have been plump all your life, but if you choose to do one, polo might suit you.

Sept. 28th, 1877

To My Extraordinary and Amazing Companion, Mr. Crumpet,

I am in receipt of the photograph and the statue you sent. The photograph is absolutely brilliant, and you look like a man who has lived a thousand lives! Truly, I say you are most excellent!

As to the matter of the doll, while it is most certainly a great gesture to send to her, I will not be passing it along to her. It appears that in transit, the clothes that would normally be attached to such a doll have been taken by an unsavory mailman. It arrived naked, showing certain attributes of feminine proportions. While I think the craftsmanship is to be commended, it most certainly wouldn’t be proper to give to a woman of good standing, such as my sister Sarah. Please understand that I mean you no ill will, and am ensuring your stature remains intact as well, because there would be no instance in which you, a man of the highest character, would present it to my sister as is.

Your insistence that my sister is writing to you is misplaced, however. She indeed does write to a gentleman, a Spaniard named Jaime Desiderio Crumpez. It may be best if you cease sending her letters, as it may create the wrong impression, and I do know how much you like to keep up your appearances to society.

I am still requesting an explanation as to the use of the package you sent, which has remained in the place where it was deposited almost five months ago.

I saw Mrs. Maple’s children a fortnight ago. They no longer appear stunted, but have grown to be as tall as you! Indeed, a coincidence that they went through a growth spurt at the same age as all the men in your family did!

As for my finances, I am most certainly capable of taking an overland trip or sea-cruise to Bombay, but I choose to spend my time on my work, for which I am receiving instruction from the excellent and learned Mr. Huffington. Please do not take my work ethic, which has always been strong, as opposed to the care-free lifestyle you have lived (in part thanks to your mother’s cribbage…winnings), as meaning that I would not enjoy your company there. I am simply too busy with real work, which at the current time, cannot be suspended for frivolous leisure activities.

Finally, I have never enjoyed sport because I did not ever see the point in beating each other with clubs and balls, as opposed to learning a new craft or art, which you have not done with all your extra time. Enjoy your days with the son of the Raj, who, by his nature, must be a great person. How you ended up in his company, given your circumstances, must be quite a tale indeed!

Yours truly and honorably,

Mr. Wicket

-P.S.: I saw your mother the day before yesterday; she appears to have gained some weight, so perhaps I did not see her in the arms of Mr. Dysktra. It must have been a different woman, one who was more slight of figure than your mother currently presents. Forgive me for any confusion I may have caused.

October 31st, 1877

Oh, Danny Boy,

I am pleased you enjoyed the photograph. I will send you more as I get them. I still enjoy your humor about the package from May! If I recall, your father is half Irish (Do not worry, as I have kept that secret from the decent people of our society, at your sister's request), which explains your wit! I laughed until I was red in the face!

I am pleased you are still pursuing a career, which is a new endeavor for you! You had mentioned your work ethic, and I find it wonderful that you finally developed one. Again, I urge you to leave behind that wicked firm of impostors and find some real lawyers who actually practice law, as opposed to shaking down poor old men like my father.

I am disappointed that you did not give the doll to your sister, as she said in her last letter to me that she was looking forward to seeing it!

This will likely be my last letter for some time, as I return home to London soon. I would like to call upon both you and Sarah at my return, as she and I have enjoyed a most animated correspondence, one that took on a rather particular warmth.

Your friend,

Mr. Crumpet

-P.S.: The doll, being a replication of the Hindu Goddess of a rather intimate nature, had no such attire. I hope no undue severity was shown to the postman, who delivered the doll as intended. I trust that you will not take offense, but I could not help but notice that the doll, in all of its details, called to mind your sister. See you soon, brother!

November 25th, 1877

Jimmy,

Listen here, you insignificant little wretch! Your jests are laughable only in that they are terrible. It was you who saddled my bags with the masonry, not I! You are such a creature of the most degenerate habits! Leave my sister be, or I shall see you silenced in a manner you will not soon forget! You tempt me toward measures that would leave you quite unable to speak or breathe! You are a daft clown whose mother’s fondness for confections is only rivaled by her fondness for the company of low men! And yes, your father’s adoration for that mustached maid was remarked upon by all who observed her sudden elevation from water closet servant to head of house! Her brood, each regrettably formed, bears a striking resemblance to you and your brother! And what, pray, was the meaning of that ridiculous parcel you saw fit to send? You are truly a contemptible specimen of manhood, and I wish upon you every conceivable ill that Providence sees fit to deliver. And above all, I hope you contract dropsy.

Dear James,

I look forward to your return. It will be my pleasure to see you for tea. Alone. Then you can show me what to do with the package you sent in May.

Yours truly,

D. Wicket