Juliet French glanced at the clock tower as she frantically paced up and down the empty platform.
It was half past one. The train was late. Or perhaps she was early? She didn't know. It didn't matter.
Oh Romeo! How much longer must I wait?
She nervously looked around the deserted station. Not a single soul in sight. Was that good or bad? She did not know. She had only one thing in mind.
Soon he will be here.
A cool breeze blew in from the west. With a shiver, she pulled her coat tighter. She was not used to the cold. To be honest, she had never set foot out of her home this late. But today was different. This was for Romeo! And this was for her love!
Her right hand went to her coat pocket. It was still there. She couldn't wait to give it to him. Her hands trembled with excitement. A smile lit up her face as she thought of that moment. She thought about the welcome she would give him. He would never expect her to be waiting here like this. No. Not after all these years.
Her left hand clenched the heart shaped pendant around her neck. Her lover’s last gift. She remembered those blue eyes tingling with joy when she had accepted his humble present.
How long had it been? Ten years. Ten years since that fateful day. Life had never been the same again.
She still remembered the day as clear as the full moon that was watching over her tonight. It was the day before their wedding. When she heard the news, she was in the spotless white wedding gown, rehearsing for her big day. Rosaline had been the one to break the news. There had been a brawl in the market and Romeo had stabbed Paris. Paris died on the spot. And Romeo got ten years.
She had wept all night. Her wedding gown was all soaked in tears. The wedding ring lay lifeless on the floor. This was not how it was supposed to be.
She glanced at the clock tower again. A quarter to two.
Any minute now.
She remembered how her mother had persuaded her to marry again. But she knew that she wouldn’t be able to love anyone like she loved her blue eyed boy. She knew what she would do. She had made up her mind. She’ll wait for Romeo. And so she did. Waiting, day after day, year after year... preparing for the day when she would finally meet him. And then when it was over, she would embrace her lover and find her peace.
“Need any help, lassie?”
She turned around to see a shabby young man approach her. The pungent stench of rum oozed from every cell of his body.
Just then the dark clouds choked the moon in their deathly hold, draining away the celestial light. An eerie darkness filled the platform.
Where are you, Romeo? Come fast!
“Don’t you know it's dangerous out here for pretty little girls? Why don’t I take you to a safe place? Whatcha say?” asked the drunkard with a goblinish grin.
Juliet tried to ignore the loafer and walk past him. But he caught her by the arm and pulled her towards him.
“Let me go, you scoundrel!” she said, as she tried to push him away.
But the harder she tried, the stronger he gripped. For a moment, a deadly thought crossed her mind. She dismissed it immediately.
No. Stay strong, Juliet. Soon he will come.
And just then, like an answer to her prayers, a sound pierced the veil of silence that enveloped the station.
The train! It has arrived at last!
“Seems like your lucky day,” said the ruffian as he let loose his grip and sunk into the shadows.
The clouds eased their stranglehold and a faint ray fell on the platform.
The train halted in the station. Juliet watched with bated breath as the passengers got down. An old lady got out first. Probably Miss Balthazar who had gone to the city to visit her grandchild. Then a family of five whom she couldn't recognise. Soon, the other passengers flocked out of their coaches and made their way towards the exit. But there was no sign of him. No sign of Romeo!
Juliet’s heart sank.
Did Romeo lie to Father Lawrence? Was he never going to return to his hometown? Would her wait be in vain?
She took a deep breath and glanced at the clock tower once again. It was two o’clock. The train would leave any moment now. The platform was fast turning empty. Behind her, she heard the sneer of the ruffian.
Should she leave while she still had the chance? Or should she stay holding on to that last ray of hope?
Her heart was racing. Dark thoughts began to penetrate her mind. How had she not foreseen this? She tried to control her emotions but tears began to well up in her eyes.
The clouds began to smother the moon again, leaving the platform in complete darkness.
Juliet closed her eyes and said a silent prayer as she heard the train chug away from the station. She heard a chuckle from behind. The ruffian was amused.
“Maybe the day isn’t as bad as I thought,” he jeered.
Her hand went into her coat. A tear traced its path down her cheek. This was not how she had imagined it. Her fingers brushed against the gift that she had saved for Romeo. All these years, she had polished it, day in and day out, waiting for this day to come. So that she could give it to him as soon as he arrived. And now when that day had finally arrived, she felt so helpless.
“Come, come, Missy. It’s time to leave.”
She opened her eyes. The train was gone. And there was no sign of Romeo. She felt the ruffian’s hand on her shoulder.
“Come quietly,” he whispered. “We don’t want to create a scene, do we?”
And it was then that she saw him. Behind the pillar...lighting a cigar. Her heart skipped a beat. She couldn't believe her eyes! It was him! Surely it was him. He was finally here!
“Romeo!” she called out.
The gentleman turned in disbelief. Clearly he wasn’t expecting anyone. The ruffian’s hand left her shoulder.
The mistress of the sky admonished the little clouds and they withered away like dry leaves. The moon’s smile lit up the platform driving away the forces of darkness.
Yes! It was Romeo!
He seemed to have put on some weight and had even grown a beard. But it was him. And that was all that mattered.
She walked briskly towards the one she had been waiting for all these years. Her hand firmly gripping the gift that she had in store for him.
“Romeo, don’t you remember me?” she asked, her voice trembling with excitement.
His chestnut eyes met her pitch black ones. He gazed at her for a moment, trying to swim past the waves of the last ten years. And then his eyes widened with realisation.
“Ju-Juliet...is that you?” he asked in bewilderment.
BANG!
The gunshot shook the station like a thunderclap. Romeo collapsed to the ground like a man struck by lightning. His eyes looked at her in terror, as she stood there like an Angel of Death with the moon forming a perfect halo around her head.
"Romeo must die," she whispered.
“No! Pleaaase....don’t...,” he whimpered.
Juliet knew no mercy. Not tonight. She had waited long for this day. This mad dog deserved to die. He had ruined her life! She imagined the pain that poor Paris would have felt when the knife pierced his heart. She pointed the pistol at Romeo’s head. She had been planning this moment for the last ten years. It was the only thing that had kept her going. The law may give this scumbag another chance. But not her!
BANG!
The bullet pierced his skull, splattering the brains on to the concrete slab. His sightless eyes stared from their sockets into the night sky where the moon smiled her approval.
Was it worth the wait? Definitely!
Juliet wiped the blood from her face and watched the motionless body that lay before her. She allowed herself a moment to luxuriate in the culmination of a decade’s worth of planning.
The ruffian stood rooted to his spot, unable to process what he had witnessed. He gulped as Juliet turned towards him with a ghastly grin.
“Why don’t you take me to that safe place you were talking about?”
The man scampered without taking a backward glance, thanking his mother’s prayers for having saved him from the devil’s clutches. Never again would he set his eyes on a woman.
She could hear the sirens closing in.
The law was coming! The law! She scoffed at the thought. Late as always!
Her left hand went towards the heart shaped pendant, opening it to see her beloved Paris one last time. Her right hand held the red hot pistol against her temple.
“My love, the wait is finally over,” she said, staring into those deep blue eyes.
BANG!
You must sign up or log in to submit a comment.
Hi Joseph, this story was so sad and touching! I loved how you incorporated Romeo and Juliet into this prompt.
A lovely twist, and an amazing story! Well done!
Reply
Thanks, Niveeidha.
Reply
No problem Joseph,
Reply
BANG ! I pulled back as soon as I saw the gunshots!
This was beautifully written. Please keep creating more wonders like this!
Reply
Thanks a lot, Miss Holmes. Looking forward to your adventures as well. 😁
Reply
Hehe ! Sure !
Reply
Great, you fooled me. You could have at least dismissed the ruffian before she did herself. Us writers have a chance of cleaning up society.
Reply
Haha...nice thought. Will be reworking this piece. So feel free to give your suggestions. :)
Reply
HOLY SHITTT I am shoooook I have no words! I read the title thinking ooh ok a new take on Romeo and Juliet only to find this wasn't a love story at all, this was a revenge story! Crazzzyyy plot twist! I love your take on the prompt, very unexpected and clever! Great writing!
Reply
What a twist. Superb. And brilliant pace to the story too.
Every thing was simply perfect.
Feels great when story is flawless.
Amazing work. Enjoyed it to the core
Reply
Thanks, Vimal, for your kind words. Means a lot.
Reply
Any day, friend
Cheers.
Happy writing.
Reply
Powerful story, with an unexpected twist at the end - just like the original. Nicely done. I was going to try offering some minor suggestions on tense switching and grammar, but it looks like Laura did a fine job with some helpful feedback there. Nice job, and I look forward to more.
Reply
Thanks, Ken. Really appreciate the feedback. Will correct the grammatical issues. ☺
Reply
Good job👍👍
Reply
Thanks a lot
Reply
You're welcome!
Reply
It's always different every time Romeo and Juliet is written in a story.....
Reply
Wow I love the twist ! I was not expecting that ! Good job
ps: Do you mind read my first story, and give me feedback. Thanks
Reply
Wow, Joseph, great writing! Could you take a look at mine as well?
Reply
Wow, this is beautifully written - I was not expecting that in the slightest! Bravo! A fab read :)
Reply
Thanks, Jessie☺
Reply
Wow! Loved your writing, Joseph. And the twist was bang on!
Reply
Thanks, Parul😊
Reply
The deep, moving way you illustrated an otherwise tragic story into the ending of Juliet's sorrow and pain was beautiful. I believe that the adding of the ruffian shows that not all is what it seems. You are very talented and should keep adding surprising modern twists to fairy tales or plays written in forgotten times.
Reply
Thanks for the feedback, Spirited Wings. I'm on cloud nine😊
Reply
This was a really cool twist. I didn't see it coming! well done
Reply
Thanks, Faye. Glad u enjoyed it 😊
Reply
Beautifully written story! It was fun to read and I personally enjoyed the reflection on R and J story. Also, great choice of names :)
Reply
Thanks 😊
Reply
With Romeo and Juliet, it is clear there will be a tragic ending. However, I did not predict Paris as the lover. Changing to vengeful woman is a clever remake. You even gave some subtle clues (about Paris- the gun in her pocket was pretty obvious) throughout, as if you frequently write mystery.
Reply
Thanks, Charles. Glad to know that you enjoyed it. I don't write frequently but the feedbacks helped me modify my story to add those elements. 😊
So thanks a lot for the feedback.
Reply
I loved the flow of the plot here, especially with the magnificent twist at the end! I do think that there are certain aspects of the story that could have been expanded, for example, Romeo's death scene. You could have explored his emotions as he recognised Juliet's voice or maybe as the bullet pierced his body. Overall, I really enjoyed it - great story!
Reply
Thank you, Arya, for your valuable suggestions. Will definitely try to expand it.
Glad to know that you enjoyed it. 😊
Reply
Loved it ..keep writing and sharing ❤
Reply
Shukriya, Khizra
Reply
Wow.. you know how to speak Urdu 😀...great!!
Reply
😅
Reply
Great twist at the end - very powerful! Well done
Reply
Thank you
Reply
A very clever story, simple and effective! Great choice of title and character names!
Reply
Dhanyavad, Veena. ;)
Reply
Hiya! An interesting reworking of the classic with a very different set of emotions. I love the updated time setting too.
Some easy fixes: tense issues. Eg. ‘Soon he will be here’ should be ‘would’ When you go to the wedding flashback, use past perfect to show the difference in time. ‘Rosaline was the one who...’ —> ‘Rosaline had been the one...’
Speech punctuation- “Capital letter for the beginning and a comma before the speech punctuation,” speech verb Name. E.g. “Romeo must die,” she whispered.
Also as it’s an updated version, maybe consider updated names (Roman, Jules?)
Longer fixes: breadcrumbs for the dramatic ending. You’ve got a few (she couldn’t wait to give it to him) which work really well when you read it a second time but there’s no emotional breadcrumbs - I didn’t understand why she would want to shoot him when she seems to love him so much throughout. Maybe drop in a sentence every few paragraphs that hint towards her motivation?
I’d spend more time on the death scene. It’s quite: BANG puddle of blood the end. Think about using description both to show the horror (his sightless eyes were still widened in shock/ the circle of blood slowly spread, seeping into the cracks of the concrete platform) and to show her reaction (Relief was a powerful drug; she allowed herself a moment to luxuriate in the culmination of a decade’s worth of planning’).
Things I liked: the realism of the speech - I felt like these were sentences that were things real people would actually say.
The idealised tone of her thoughts in italics. (Oh! Where are you, Romeo?) It had a nice archaic feel that put me in mind of the original Shakespeare and also gave us an insight into her thought processes.
Good job - hopefully this is helpful and not too critical. If you want me to tone down the critique in future stories, just say the word!
Reply
I have no words to thank you. Please feel free to be more critical next time and don't even think about toning it down. :P
This is the critique I longed for. From typos to grammatical errors to narrative improvements. I'm sure I'll improve over time under your guidance. Will surely rework on the piece.
Does it give the impression that she was in love with Romeo even after the end? I thought the ending might make it clear that Paris was the fiance. I might have removed a crucial breadcrumb while proofreading. Thanks for pointing it out.
Meeting you was a blessing from God.
Reply
Aw, I’m glad it was useful! I’m always wary of giving critique that is too in depth as some people want that but others just want a safe space to share their writing and I try to respect both!
Ah I did wonder about Paris. I think this is where it suffers from being a rework of an existing story. Because I knew that Paris was the cousin and Romeo the romantic interest, it didn’t even occur to me that Paris would be the fiancee. In fact, when she looked at the locket, I assumed that she’d killed Romeo to avenge her murdered cousin but still didn’t make the romantic connection. If that’s what you’re aiming for, you’ll definitely need to put a line in to clarify.
Let me know if you edit and want me to look over the edited version. 😊
Reply
Sure. Maybe by Wednesday.
Actually, the process happened in reverse. I thought of a story of how a lady was waiting in a railway station for someone whom the reader assumes to be her lover... Only to find in the end that she was actually avenging her husband's death. I used the names Romeo and Juliet because it was sure to mislead the reader. Then I thought why not borrow the rest of the names as well. Guess I miss lead myself.
Will rethink about it. Thanks. Will let you know once it is edited.
Reply
Laura, you are easily the best Reviewer on Reedsy. God bless you : )
Reply
Haha! I’m not sure about that - I’ve had some top class reviews on my work but thank you for the compliment! That’s lovely to hear!
Reply
Hey, Laura! Made a few changes based on your suggestions.
Tenses are still in a tense situation. Will try to correct them before deadline.
Is it necessary to use updated names? Juliet and Romeo seems to be doing a fine job of misleading readers and my friends are insisting that I stick with the name.
Hoping for some more suggestions to improve the tale.
Reply
Hiya! I’ll have a quick read now but before I do - it is your story and any suggestions I ever make are just that: suggestions. Same with other reviewers - if you are happy with the names, you should definitely keep them! Make sure you’re not listening to your friends OR me though. Think about what you actually want and go with that. I will never, ever be offended if you don’t take a suggestion of mine on board. At the end of the day, you have to be happy with your story 😊
Reply
Ahhh! I love the changes! The moon as an extra character/ setting the mood was a beautiful touch! I also don’t know if the emphasis on eye colour was an edit or something you put in as extra breadcrumbs but it was a perfect subtle way to distinguish between Romeo and Paris. I also don’t know if her speech to the ruffian was an edit but it was a beautiful moment where she regained some of the control he was trying to take from her.
I definitely understood that Romeo was not the lover but not until the end where it was revealed in a suitably shocking twist. I also feel like you fleshed Juliet’s character our much more - the scorn for the law was a great touch.
This is brilliant! Well done!
Reply
Thanks, Laura. All of them were result of good feedback 😉.
Reply
Oh my! I loved this story. The description of moonlight in such a way that it complemented Juliet's feeling was very neat and clear. The tinge of humour when the ruffian is glad he's saved was the best part.
I must say,i understood midway what was going to happen at the end. It was very entertaining.
Reply
Thank you. May I ask what gave it away?
Reply
Maybe it was my experience with such stories....i just knew she wasn't what she appeared to be....too sweet to be true
Reply
Thanks. Going by your stories, you do have an eye for a twist. :)
Reply
I really liked the twist, it fits nicely into a parallel with the original. This retelling is great because of the flowery writing and modern objects (train, gun...), which makes it feels lost in time.
I always have trouble with titles, not having a perfect title will keep me away from the idea of publishing a story. Because of this, I am really impressed by the title the author chose, it fits the story and the retelling at the same time : it is Romeo and Juliet, but not exactly as we know it...
Great job and best of lucks on this contest.
Reply
Thanks, Victoire.
I had gone with "Romeo and Juliet" but a friend suggested how "Juliet and Romeo" would be apt given that Juliet is the protogonist. Will let her know that you liked it. :)
Reply
Modern day Romeo and Juliet. I love it! Great story.
Reply
Whoa! This story ended with quite a bang! Or several. Very well played, I liked how you interjected the strange man to create more dramatic tension. I could see and hear the gun going off in my mind. Well staged and executed (as well as poor Romeo). Maybe in the next version, they might see a happier ending! Keep up the great creative writing, thank you for sharing your stories and wondrous imagination!
Reply
Haha... Thanks for your kind words, Emily.
Reply