Not Worth It

Trigger warning: Suicide, death

Things to do before I leave:

1.   Hug my mother. Say I love you to her, even if I don’t mean it, because I won’t. She never loved me. She always loved her other children more than me. But she tried, I’m sure she tried to love me. It is my fault that I’m so unlovable. It’s my fault that I was always so moody and depressing, that talking to me was more of a chore than a pleasure. I didn’t deserve the same love that my siblings always got, I know that. But I wish I had gotten at least a fraction of it. It’s too late. If you’re reading this Mom, you know I’m being honest. I’m always honest, no one ever believed me when I was alive. But now they will. Everyone believes a dead girl’s last words.

2.   Hug my father. Say I love you to him and mean it because I will. I will hold his photograph and kiss it. I will leave today with it tucked into my jacket’s inside pocket. He knew me, even though he didn’t. I knew him, even though I didn’t. We are the same. He reached the same conclusion as me, knowing that leaving was better and easier than staying. He did it too. I was always ‘the girl whose father killed himself’ growing up. I guess I always knew that I would end up the same way, whether I wanted to or not. It’s in my blood.

3.   Go to all of my siblings’ rooms and take the stuff they’ve stolen from me over the years. All the t-shirts, jackets, sweatshirts, pens, books and ink they’ve taken without asking me at all. I’m going to take it all back. I’m going to smell those items in the privacy of my bedroom, and I’m going to try to see if those smells trigger some memories, at least a single happy memory. If it does, then I’ll return the objects back to their previous positions. If it doesn’t, I’ll stack it all up in my bedroom for them to find after I leave, just for them to realize that they should have asked me when they had the chance.

4.   Eat a filling dinner. I have not been eating very much at all for the past few days, in anticipation of what I’m about to do tomorrow. I realize that if I don’t eat enough, they will put down the cause of my death as an eating disorder. I will not cause them to make such a blunder. My body must be in a healthy condition so that they immediately conclude that I have committed suicide. I am not going to ruin their investigation; I want to help them as much as I can.

5.   Try to talk to my siblings. My older sister especially. She’s always too busy to or has other people much more of her mindset to talk to. It’s not even like I’ve ever wanted to talk to her. Okay, I'm lying. I've always wanted to talk to her, I've never seen anyone more perfect than her. But whenever I even approach her, something more important comes up. This time I’m going to be firm. I’m going to hold a conversation with her and see if anything comes out of it. I want to see if making an effort would change our dynamic, at least for a few minutes. I want to see if I would think about talking to her again. My younger siblings can't be reasoned with. They shun me, even though they aren't even old enough to know what they're doing. They do know, however, that spending any time with me is totally pointless. So they stay out of my way, and I stay out of theirs. That’s how it’s going to be, and I better accept it.

6.   Study a subject I hate. My mind is leaning towards Geography or Physics. I shall decide later. But I must do it, although I’m quite hesitant. I must see for myself, if all the teachers who’ve said that I have the potential to do better were just yapping for the sake of it, or whether they knew what they were yapping about. I want to see – if I decide against leaving – whether I can even begin to learn something from these evil, cruel subjects. I want to see if it’s worth it.

7.   Watch an inspirational movie. Preferably one which makes most people cry. That way, it will make me laugh. I hate the sappy ones, so I’m going watch one of those, not a romance one though. One with a deep message about life and death or some crap like that will be ideal. Maybe it will change me. Ha. I make myself laugh sometimes. But what if it does? What if by the end of the movie, tears flow down my face without my own volition? What if the movie convinces me not to go? How do I stay?

8.   Talk to the girl who sits next to me in class. She seems nice enough. I always get the pity eyes from her whenever I have one of my outbursts in class. But maybe she isn’t pitying me or feeling sorry for me, maybe she is putting herself in my shoes. Maybe she understands me, maybe she feels the same things I do. I need to talk to her, at least once. I need to understand if she’s gone through what I’m going through right now and if she would come to the same conclusion.

9.   Write a will. I’m leaving everything to my father as a practical joke, which I hope is taken the right way. All my clothes, journals and the rest of my belongings, I leave to my father, who is gone too. Ha. I should take them with me. That way, I’ll be able to give it to him directly. I’m leaving everything to my siblings and my mother. I need to give them something. I’m leaving after all. They need something to give company to their guilt. Something to smell, run between their fingers, to cry in, after I’m gone.

10.  Live. Don’t die. Please. Not worth it. I know now.