The Philosopher's Pitch

“Thank you, Vultures. My name is Matteo, I am 33 years old from Portland, and I am seeking $250,000 in exchange for 22% of my company. Our promise – turning lead into gold using the blockchain.”

Joanne rolled her eyes as she and the other three investors on The Vultures’ Nest scribbled on their notepads.

Hells, not another alchemy-bro.

The Vultures’ Nest was no stranger to this style of fanciful pitch. When the show first aired, these kinds of eager, bright-eyed sorceress looking to make their mark and reinvent the wheel were a fun gimmick. An app that allows you to order a gryphon ride-share on demand? Sure, that’s fun and would make for good TV. An all-seeing eye doorbell camera? A legal nightmare of surveillance issues, sure, but at least it was dramatic.

But now, 17 seasons in, this bright-eyed 30-something-year-old was just the next in a long line of “disruptors” with no plan other than a series of buzzwords, hoping to shake anything they can from angel investors looking to hop on the latest fad.

Next to Matteo on the stage sat…something large…covered by a sheet of bright red felt cloth. This kind of suspense played well for the cameras, but Joanne wished this young man would just get on with it.

“For centuries, mankind has sought the secrets of transmogrification.” Matteo began with a dramatic flair; his hand already gripped the sheet next to him in anticipation. “The practice of morphing the worthless into the priceless. Bending the very building blocks creation to our will, using atoms as our playth-“

“We know what alchemy is.” Joanne interrupted. She didn’t care if this wouldn’t make for good television – they had three more pitches to get through before lunch, and she was too undercaffeinated for this level of exposition. Media mogul Jensen Whiles sat to her right in pitch-black sunglasses, and she was almost positive he was asleep.

Matteo stammered in place, his rhythm disrupted. He shuffled through his notes with his hand not gripping the sheet.

“Right, of course. I should know that from such titans of industry as yourselves.”

“Flattery will get you everywhere in this business.” Walter Simmons joked in the seat next to Joanne. Walter had an annoying habit of speaking in short quips he knew would get used in the TV edits, but Joanne appreciated his conciseness.

Matteo smiled and visibly settled back into his groove.

“Well, what if I were to tell you that the reason that this secret has alluded humanity for centuries was simply a lack of computational power? That alchemists were held back not by a lack of intellect, but because the rest of the technological world had not caught up with their ideals?”

As Matteo spoke, his hand holding the cloth jittered. He is SO excited to yank off that tarp, Joanne thought.

“That is why, Vultures, my company N0ble Intentions has combined the ancient arts with the technology of the future. I present to you – The GreatWork!”

With long-awaited flourish, Matteo yanked at the sheet. A massive machine sat revealed, a hodgepodge of pipes, exposed wires, a water wheel, all decorated with alchemic runes etched into their surface. In the center of the machine, a fluorescent-blue iMac computer sat nestled within the device, multiple wires and ropes weaving into its plastic shell.

“What in the gods’ name have you brought in?” Stalwart May asked from his chair at the far end of the Vultures. Stalwart was the oldest member of the vultures (he had been here since season 1), and Joanne suspected he was as tired of these kinds of pompous pitches as she was. Jensen Whiles shifted in his seat, eyes still completely concealed by his sunglasses, looking no more awake than he did before the grand reveal.

“The future!” Matteo beamed proudly. “The process is deceptively simple – using high powered, decentralized computers from around the world, we will decipher the Magnum Opus Cryptograph – the very heart of alchemic pursuit. These calculations will be verified across the blockchain in a Proof-of-Magik consensus, after which the calculations and enchantments will be sent into a centralized node – The GreatWork!”

Matteo slapped the machine with pride, which wobbled more than Joanne would have expected from such a large mass of metal and wood. Joanne nodded along skeptically.

“And I assume that The GreatWork will then start to spit out an unlimited supply of gold, correct? Transforming it from lead, as you claimed?”

“More than you imagine.” Matteo boasted. “We are talking a complete disruption of the global economy – an end to scarcity as we know it. And I am here to offer you, Vultures, the chance to get in on the ground floor of this venture.”

Stalwart May shifted in his seat, unenthused. “You may not be surprised you’re not the first person to pitch unlimited wealth to us before. We had the CEO of Midas Industries in here just last week, with an eerily similar promise.”

“Midas hocks snake oil, everyone knows that!” Matteo said with a wave. “Turning objects to gold just by touching them? What kind of business venture is that? Where is the scalability? You only have one Midas. With enough capital, I can build GreatWorks data centers across the country!”

Joanne saw Walter’s ears perk at the term scalability - buzzword catnip for anyone with cash to invest.

“I hear that AI is now all the rage within Sulfur Valley. Does artificial intelligence come into play at all during this process? I know that would sweeten the deal for many investors.” Walter asked eagerly.

“I am so glad you asked!” Matteo beamed. “Artificial intelligence is core to The GreatWorks operations. Let me show you. Garth!”

From behind the stage curtain, a writhing mass of human limbs attached to a centralized ball of fur rolled out onto center stage. It pinwheeled itself across the floor as it made its way to Matteo. Pinched to the ball of fur, a nametag read “Garth”.

“GRATOOWW” Garth hollered from an orifice that could most closely be described as its mouth.

“This is my homunculus and intern, Garth, who helps me operate The GreatWorks. A combination of mineral arcanum, mandrake root, and various organic components, Garth’s intelligence is 100% artificial. Isn’t that right, Garth?”

Garth used two of the many arms protruding from its body to shrug, prompting laughter from all the Vultures, including Joanne.

Alright, Garth I like, Joanne thought.

Matteo stood up straight with a confident smile, his enthusiasm on full display.

“So again, for a small investment of $250,000, you can be at the very foundation of a technology that will revolutionize the production landscape as we know it. And remember what we say at N0ble Intentions – We Don’t Practice AlcheMY – We Practice AlchemUS.”

Matteo paused with his arms outstretched, clearly ready for applause. Walter provided a clap and an enthusiastic smile, but Joanne knew he was just playing for the cameras. It was time to put this to bed, the same way all these other hacks had been dismissed.

“This all sounds good, and more than worth our investments,” Joanne started. Matteo nodded along eagerly, clearly not sensing the but that was to follow.

“But…I was wondering if you could provide us with demonstration?”

Matteo’s nodding paused.

“A demonstration?”

“A sample, anything. I’m not saying this GreatWork needs to start pumping out mountains of gold this second, but I am sure we would all love to see the machine in action. Surely you wouldn’t expect us to invest without seeing The GreatWork functional, correct?”

Matteo shifted awkwardly in his spot. Joanne knew she had him – despite the flourish and fancy terms, all these projects came out the same: empty promise of quick riches attached to buzzwords and fads.

“Well you see, we haven’t had nearly the uptick in nodes that we need to ACTUALLY produce a 1:1 ratio of lead to gold...”

“For sure, for sure.” Joanne nodded. “But even just a smidgen of gold would really put all of our minds at ease.”

Matteo swallowed.

“Of course, right away,” he stammered. “Garth! Start the machine!”

“GATTOO” Garth responded with a little salute, and the creature wobbled off to The GreatWork. Matteo fired up the iMac in the center of the machine, and the giant apparatus chugged to life. Garth maneuvered throughout the machine, turning levers and pulling pulleys as The GreatWork chugged and beeped, steam shooting out from every direction. After nearly a minute, a loud hissing sound emitted from the machine, and Matteo looked up anxiously.

“Is this all supposed to happen?” Joanne yelled over the hissing.

“Absolutely, no problems here.” Matteo assured the group unconvincingly. After 30 seconds of hissing, a bell chimed, and the machine slowly powered itself down. A small compartment opened on the side, and steam billowed out. The Vultures all leaned in to see just what the machine had produced.

As the steam dissipated, the contents of the compartment became clear – a crude, pixelated photo of a monkey smoking a vape sat undisturbed.

“Hmm…hardly what I would call gold,” Joanne smirked, leaning back in her chair.

“Ahh, but you fail to see the intrinsic value of this creation.” Matteo stammered, searching for words as he held up the photo. “While it may not be the gold you were promised, think of the value that something as non-fungible as this creation could bring once it has appreciated, and its..”

“Okay, NOW you’re clearly just pulling things out of your ass.” Joanne snapped, not caring that the cussing would get this entire bit censored out of the TV edit. “You thought you could wow us old-business heads with a flashy presentation and buzz words, but you underestimate our-“

“I will pay you 2.5 million dollars for the monkey.” Jensen Whiles said from his seat, speaking for the first time in the presentation.

“Sold!” Matteo shouted, eagerly rushing to shake Whiles’ hand to seal the deal. Garth clapped and did a small jig off to the side as the agreement was finalized.

Joanne buried her face in her hands.

Gods, I hope we get canceled soon.