Eyes Open, Tabby!

What the hell was that?

Ninety minutes of two fools bumbling around. If I didn’t know better I’d say they did it on purpose, a couple of pals using a premium stalking experience as a way to pass a boring afternoon, but random pairing makes that impossible. ‘FastLashes’ was late to most of her marks and it took her three attempts to identify her Stalker. As for ‘Maximum_Infiltration’ ... I've monitored CCTV with more stealth than him. Lashes had to have been pretending not to see him. Had to. I don’t know why but there’s no way he was able to get that close to tagging her before she copped him, his sneak-game was pathetic.

Oh well, as long as they’re paying. Allocate Lashes the win, takes her up to 3 out of 5, 860 points and number 111 on the Quarry leaderboard. I mean, it’s respectable I suppose but she’ll have to up her game if she wants to go further. Maybe she should try the role of Stalker. Has to be better than Maximum_Infiltration. He stays on 1 win out of 6. At 215 points and number 223 on the Stalker leaderboard, he’s not shaking anything up.

Speaking of shaking things up, let’s get to the main event. The one I gave up my day off for. My girl hasn’t been on for a few weeks, here’s hoping she’s rediscovered her mojo. Last game of the year and it needs to be good.

Switching to Datastream 7.

Initiating Match EO-7714.

Stalker Online. Let’s see. Ethereal_Ethan, Games Played: 0, Points: 0.

A newbie with a promising username. If he’s anything like his Mission: Impossible namesake he might be good. But I won’t hold my breath. Not when his Quarry is, drumroll please, this year’s Quarry Queen, TabbyCroft73.

Games Played: 36, Games Won: 30, Points: 14,820. Still number one even with her recent poor outings. BlondJamesBlond’s nipping at her heels on the other board but as long as she brings it home today, we’re golden. Good to see she hasn’t tried switching to the Stalker side like Gina suggested she might. “Maybe she’s just bored of running.” No way. Tabby’s a born runner, best we’ve had.

And that said, it’s time to activate the runzone. First play in Greensbury Mall. Paid a fortune to get them to let us run games here. Should be fun. New locations always are.

Start time: 15:00. Players - active. Map - active. GPS tracker on screen one, mall CCTV accessed and loaded on screen two. We’re good to go.

TabbyCroft73, accessing camera, logging coordinates, confirming presence within boundaries. There you are, looking fab as always. Love the pink highlights. And what are we wearing? Okay, white sweater, faded denim jeans, nondescript. And what have we got here, Daffy Duck badge? Couple of rips in the knees… Doc Martens. Just the right amount of identifying features. Great stuff. Route and item checklist generated, pushing to app…now!

Okay, let’s check out your foe. Camera access granted, confirming presence and proximity, all good. Grey fleece. Navy chinos. Running shoes. Got the ‘regular joe’ look nailed but damn you even look like Tom Cruise. Good for your dating prospects, not for vanishing into a crowd, and you’re up against a pro. You’ll be lucky to make it nine minutes let alone ninety.

Starting positions adopted. Tabby in East Quadrant level 3, Mr. Hunt on level 1 west wing. Two floors and 400 metres. Prepping first visual clue, background blur set to 90, face partially obscured, blonde hair and loop earring visible. Keep a sliver of the Barnes & Noble ampersand…looks fair. Image scanned. Approved. Annnnd…submit.

Let’s see what your game is like, Ethan.

Eyes Open!

*

Okay, this guy might actually be good.

Didn’t waste any time zooming in on the background and spotting the floor level marker, which I somehow missed. Got up there pronto and already made it to Tabby’s starting point. What was that, five minutes? 10 points for that. Better than Maxie already.

So Tabby has a game in hand. Let’s hope she shook off those cobwebs that have been plaguing her. Current location…Fidgetz. First stop on her route and 10 points on the board. Distance from Stalker 250 metres. Timer running, already five out of fifteen minutes spent in store. Come on Tabby, locate your item. Lego is easy but can you find the Star Wars Cantina? Do you even know what it is? Of course you do. Didn’t have annnny trouble finding the limited edition Bossk action figure a few months back. Let’s tap into store CCTV and see how you’re doing. Cam 5, should give me a view of the appropriate aisle. Yep there you are, and look at that, already found it. Image arrival in 3, 2, 1…

Got it. Nice and clear. 30 points. Accessing Greensbury Mall level 3 cam 7. Locating Stalker. Image transferred. Okay, Ethan, let’s see how you can do with that. You’ve got a few options. Walmart, Target, some gadget shops. There’s an actual Lego store back down on 2. Could you know they sell Lego in Fidgetz? Yeah, I see you checking out that store map but don’t spend too long, and you’ve got some ground to…

Where’d he go? Man he’s fast. Cam 4. Not going downstairs. Cam 1. Heading towards Gadget World. Ha. Wrong call. But that’s cool, you can burn a few minutes there then… What are you waiting for, go on in. Lego bricks at the back of the store, see the sign hanging from the ceiling? What are you doing standing in the entrance? What have you got, x-ray vision to scan for…. Okay. Apparently, he does and has determined there are no blonde women with loop earrings inside. On the move. Walmart? Nope, not going in. Target? Yes! In he goes, looking for Lego annnnd…he’s coming back out. Come on, man, don’t tell me he’s actually heading to…

He is. Okay, Tabby, he’s closing in and still five minutes before you can move on. 100 metres and closing. This is going too quickly. Proximity alert generated. Where are you? Cam 4, cam 3, there, aisle 6. Who are you talking to? Did you get the alert? Zooming in. Is that a friend and her daughter you met or are you just trying to create cover to eat time? Seen you do that before so possibly but accessing phone mic to confirm.

“Yeah, I have to get one for my niece but I have no idea which ones she already has, and I can’t get in touch with her mom.”

“Oh, I know, the struggle is real! I’d say you’re safe enough with the Cleopatra, that doll just came out so it’s unlikely she has it.”

Good. Keep talking. He’s on the way in. Jesus. Another 10 points. And now he gets another visual clue. Random image generator running, what are you giving us, Control? Ripped jeans knee. Could be worse. Store’s pretty full, seems to be a few other women in jeans, including the one Tabby’s talking to. Image sent. Cam 5. There he is. At the Lego. Goddamn it, Ethan, do you pause for breath? Two minutes left. He’s received the clue. He’s on the hunt. Aisle 3, aisle 4, aisle 5...

Eyes open, Tabby! He’s close! What does this guy do for a living, he’s a pro. Does he see her? Did he notice? What the hell? Image incoming. Ethereal_Ethan. You have to be kidding me. He snapped her. I didn’t even see him do it. But he got her without even entering her aisle. With her completely oblivious. How? From jeans and a blond bob? Didn’t even get the Daffy Duck badge or pink highlights clues yet. 30 points for that. Come on, Tabby. You have to do better. And now you see the alert and start looking…

Never mind. First game in a while and she’s coming off a bad run. Maybe she’s got some lingering side effects from that illness. Or the anniversary of her mother’s death is still hitting hard. She’ll get it together. And there’s the round end notification. Off to your next location, Tabby, while Ethan gets a five minute cooldown. Yeah, take some pics of potential suspects but he’s already out of sight browsing Xbox games in aisle 9.

Slippery fuck.

Disappointing, Tabby, disappointing.

*

“How’s your girl doing? Blond’s 80 points up!”

Piss off, Gina.

How many times have I told you not to text during a shift? I don’t care about BlondJamesBlond. Every single Quarry he’s gone up against was a dope. How come he never came up against Tabby? What are the odds when they’ve both played over 30 games? If I was a conspiracy theorist I’d say there were shenanigans afoot to boost his numbers. I don’t want to acknowledge his fake ranking.

But since you’re trying to brag.

“Tabby’s up too.” Not saying by only ten points. “Hit 4 out of 5 marks, located 4 out of 5 items and the bonus object. The Irish euro coin Control put in the water fountain, can you believe it? How’s that for a good eye! Got Stalker in photo too.”

Not saying only once and barely, at the sushi stall in the food court in round 3. In a group shot as he was slipping away after snapping her for the fourth time. But still…at least she has him recorded. All she needs to do is spot him again at the last location and she should be able to identify him. She’s clocked up 210 points this game. It’s not bad. But it’s not good. She’s only ahead of Ethan because she found the bonus object within the allocated timeframe. He just missed it by a second. It’s annoying. It’s like she’s lost interest in…

Oh. 10 points, checked in at Gym Locker. Ethan’s 200 metres away on the wrong floor. Countdown activated. Good. Now find a pair of blue and green 2026 Nuke Airbros. There’s a bunch of sports stores in the mall, is Mr. Hunt going to know that particular shoe is a Gym Locker exclusive? Based on his luck and ability, he’ll probably work it out but it’s tricky. You might be able to survive this last location without him snapping you. You need to.

“He’s up to 15,000 points! See your girl is currently 14,900… Squeaky bum time. Christmas party pints might be on you again this year x ;)”

Jesus Christ, G, fuck off. I’m trying to concentrate. BlondJamesBlond is not beating Tabby in the end of year rankings. I am not losing the bet again, not two years in a row. 2026, Quarry beats Stalker, has to be.

There you go. Nuke Airbros, nice kicks actually. 30 points. And there’s the Ethereal one checking out the pic she just took. And there he is running into Footsters. Good. Find a store attendant, waste time enquiring. Come on, Tabby, bury yourself somewhere discreet, that’s it, back behind the football jerseys. Not too concealed, you don’t want to be disqualified by the system if it determines you’re hiding. Phone in hand, eyes open, ready. Ten minutes. Still enough time and points for you to finish ahead of Blond, but not if you lose.

“Who’s Blondie up against, Little Beau Peep with a flock of sheep? ;) This new guy I’ve got, Ethereal_Ethan, he’s good, but Tabby’s got his number now. Wait and see.”

Wait and see. That’s what I’m doing. Watching Ethan leave Footsters in a panic after three spotty store clerks couldn’t tell him where to get Airbros. Switching to level 2 cam 7. Running down the escalator back to 1. Running. First time all game but even flustered the bastard makes the right call. But we’ve got Lifeworks and DJ Sports down there as well as GL. Eight minutes. We can do this, Tabby.

Tabby?

Where are you?

Green dot on GPS shows her still in store. Red dot now on same level. 180 metres and closing. Can’t see her on CCTV. Not behind the jerseys. Cam A, B, C. No sign. Come on Tab, don’t hide. Hiding’s not allowed, you know that.

Mall cams. Where’s Ethan? There. Lifeworks. Wasting more time. Perfect. Or is it? Assuming he doesn’t make it to Gym Locker, Tabby can reach 335 points and he’ll finish on 300. She’ll win the game but unlikely she’ll be able to pick him out of the random pic she took and guess his identity. Which means Blond could end up with a higher final score. What’s he up to now? I didn’t want to be checking the damn leaderboards, Gina, thanks for getting in my head.

Still 15,000. Is he struggling with his last location too? We’re currently ahead but with a slim margin. We need the 100 points for a positive ID.

“How you looking, G?”

I need to know. And I need Ethan to get to the Locker. Tabby has to be able to recognise him. But how? I don’t want to have to interfere. Not again. Control nearly caught me last time. Where are you Ethan? Come on, she’s not in Lifeworks, get out of there!

Five minutes. No more clues.

“15,010. He’s at the final location. Little Beau Peep has ditched her sheep and managed to get herself mixed in with a group of fellow Asians though. I’m not saying anything but…you might just luck out here lol!”

Yes! He’s out of Lifeworks! Looking frazzled. Keep it together, man. DJ Sports or Gym Locker, you can see them both from there. Gym Locker, go Gym Locker, go…

Fuck it. Gym Locker external cam. Tracking up. Tracking down. Tracking up. I’m not doing anything, Control, just looking for my Stalker, seem to have lost him in the crowd… Come on, you ass, notice the damn…!

Yessss! Gym Locker! He picked Gym Locker!

Now where are you, Tabby. No hiding, no hiding, don’t you fuck this up.

There! Trying on shoes. With an attendant. Good view of the door. Clever, removed her sweater, tied it around her waist, put her hair up, hid the highlights. It’s allowed. One minor outfit adjustment per game, it’s allowed.

Three minutes.

And there’s the proximity alert.

I see you, Tab, snapping everyone entering the shop, swiping back and forth, comparing previous pics. Looking for someone familiar. Difficult based on what you got but you can do it. Concentrate, Stalker should be entering…

Now.

But I don’t see him.

Wait, GPS is showing him in store. Where..? Cam 2, 3, 4, I can’t…

Oh shit. Image incoming. Ethereal_Ethan. Quarry successfully pictured. That’s five for five. Goddamnit, he’s behind her. How? Cam 7. Fuck me. Took off his fleece. And where’d he have that baseball cap and sunglasses stashed? Minor outfit adjustment, one per game. Motherfu-

Aw, look. She tied her sweater on the wrong way round.

Daffy Duck.

Give me a fucking break.

Eyes open, Tabby! One minute, time to submit your suspect! There’s 10 points in it, it’s all on this. Check those pictures. You got him coming in, look past the glasses, notice the fleece, he’s there, at the sushi shop, do this!

But he’s making his move. NFC scanner activated. He could scan now and snag 50 points for being within 10 metres. But no. He wants more. You want more, Ethan, right? 75 points for 5? No? More? Maximum 100 points for 2…

Well, fuck you, Tabby. A year betting on you and you just cost me the fucking…

Wait.

Image incoming from…TabbyCroft73?!

And Ethereal_Ethan hits scan.

And there’s the Game Over alert!

I can’t take this. Analysing image, scanning, downloading…

YES!!! She found him, she circled him correctly! Holy shit, you did it, Tabby! A second to spare but you did it, you absolute legend!

Aw yeah, that’s right, you guys laugh and hug and high five out there without me. Like I had nothing to do with it. You can joke about how close it was, Tabby. You can pretend you aren’t disappointed, Ethan, but I see your fake smile. Thought you had it in the bag. But Tabby came through. Nearly gave me a heart attack but my girl came…

“So close, Bee! Too bad! Guess you’re buying the beers! Lolol xxx”

What the fuck are you on about, Gina? We won, I won, it’s…

We have 15,955 points.

And BlondJamesBlond has…

You have to be kidding me.

BlondJamesBlond has…

*

15,960.

Unbelievable.

How did Tabby go from Queen of the Crop to useless loser in a few months? Made every mistake in the book today. And now I’m on the hook for another ginormous drinks bill.

What a shitty day.

The loss of the bet was bad. The traffic through town was worse. The key sticking in the lock again leaving me caught in the rain for five minutes was the icing on the cake.

And no wine in the fridge. Nothing but cheese.

Damn good cheese though. Nice big block of edam. The real stuff, from a cheesemonger, not that vacuum-packed crap from the store.

Satisfying, laying it on the cutting board, finding the sharpest knife and slicing through.

Now I feel better.

But that’s it. I’m done with Tabby.

Gina can like it or lump it, next year I’m backing a Stalker. Ethereal_Ethan’s an option. Based on today’s performance, he could be the next big thing.

The rattle of keys, the turn of the handle, door opening. She’s home. Wonder if she got any alcohol.

“Home again, home again, jiggity-jig!”

Nice, cheerful greeting as the door shuts behind her. Guess she had a good day. Let’s go see.

I get within 2 metres before she notices me and the knife.

Further proof she needs to be retired.

Wide eyes, strangled scream, bottle of wine hits the floor.

“Eyes open, Tabby.”