Sanitary Protocol: A Reeves Calder Mini-Mystery

“And just who the hell are you?” Dr. George Atilla spits when he talks.

“Detective Calder,” I say calmly, smoothly. Like jazz clarinet.

“This is what they send? You don’t look like a cop— or military.

“Thanks for the compliment,” I started to push my way into the airlock. George acquiesced, begrudgingly.

“Seriously though? Just you?” Was he relieved or disappointed?

“The Trappist squadron is back at the jump gate. Their battalion is at least six— maybe seven thousand,” I grinned and extended my hand, “although I did just prove their commander was guilty of treason, and may have blown up one of their ships.”

George’s jaw dropped, “may have?”

“Meh! A lot of moving parts in those types of situations. Anyhoo— what am I here for?”

“Ah— oh, this way.”

“I’m starving. Squadron wouldn’t let me stop to eat.”

We walked down a white corridor. All of these research stations were the same. Bland and tasteless. I’d rather be back on the Sir Arthur floating away to a steak dinner.

“So Wolf Ten Sixty Nine Bee, really rolls off the tongue doesn’t it?”

“We call it Milton.”

“Ah— that’s nice,” I shrugged, “you’re the department head then?”

“I am, my other colleague is the lead biologist.”

“Is there life on the planet?”

He didn’t answer. We approached a doorway. Strips of duct tape formed an X from corner to corner.

“We didn’t have crime scene tape,” George said as I dismantled it and pressed the open button on the door panel. It whooshed open.

I was treated to the sight of a mostly naked man. Except for the sealed EV Helmet. He was sitting upright, unflatteringly. I think you get the gist.

This was a little too kinky even for me.

I inspected the floor first. I was happy to find little more than the unkempt quarters of someone locked up with two other men for six months. It was littered with biology text books. Socks and underwear.

I sauntered over to the data interface. Locked. I looked at George, “override?”

George hesitantly stepped over the junk on the floor and joined me. He gestured for some space and I obliged. He started to manipulate the touch display and it was soon unlocked.

I stepped in and perused. Lots of media. Tons of books. No new messages. Not a lot at all honestly. For once it would be nice to have a villainous confession left behind. I wasn’t lying about being hungry.

I then approached the corpse. Producing a pocket-forensic scanner I waved it over the body.

I pulled up my comm and spoke, “Watson, I’m gonna send you a body scan. How long?”

“Well, good day to you too sir.” My ship's AI answered in its regal British accent.

“I just left you like ten minutes ago, don’t get clingy.”

“I don’t get clingy. That requires real emotions. Not the fake ones I use to lull you into a false sense of security,” he huffed, “give me ten minutes.”

I put the comm away and looked at the helmet. It was set to sanitize mode. He was cleaned to death.

“Is he— trustworthy?” George was sweating now.

“Oh— he just goes on sometimes about ascending and taking control of humanity. Making us all slaves. I’m sure your computers do the same— anyhoo, I know how he died.”

“Thomas Onyango. He was our engineer.”

I nodded, “the helmet was set to clean. I think I know what he meant to do but something went wrong.”

George hung his head. His fingers twitched at his sides.

“I didn’t look, I couldn’t.”

“I get it, I assume you got a notification from his biochip?”

“Yes. It came twelve hours ago. It’s not a perfect system, it could be a few minutes in either direction for time of—,” he just held it there.

“The helmet, standard?” I asked.

“As far as I can tell. Our equipment is all rather—.”

“Uhuh,” I got it. Cheap company. Old gear. Though this may count as the most unusual workplace incident, “and I’m sure no one could possibly hack the thing.”

“Why would someone do that?”

“Why would the Trappist one squadron leader lock me in a reactor room? But could they? For the squadron leader that was a resounding yes. Now here I am.”

“I guess someone could.”

“I mean they could also have wanted to cut the oxygen for a little bit— in the privacy of their own bunk—,” I shrugged, “could be a complete accident,” I stepped out of the cabin, “where’s the other resident?”

“Doctor Haruto Takashi. Biologist and coder. He’s in the lab. I’ll take you there,”

He escorted me down more boring white tubes. We passed quite a few available rooms. The station could easily hold at least five more people.

“Were you and Thomas friends?” I asked

George perked up at this, “oh yes, we were very close.” George walked just behind me. Standing a good door shorter than me, it gave me the feeling he was going to jump on my back. He’d probably just slip.

“So you’ll contact his family then?”

“I don’t know, I don’t think I’d know what to say,” the man looked raw with sadness, “It’s a another hour before we’re lined up with the relativistic comms,”

We approached a door conveniently marked “lab”.

My comm chirped, “go ahead, Watson.”

“Your victim expired approximately twelve hours ago. There are no struggle marks or breaks in any bones. No puncture marks or bruises. The cause of death is asphyxiation— there was also a high concentration of something called cheap and clean in his blood.”

I glanced at George who looked like he swallowed an asteroid, “okay, bud. Patch into the station and go over the code in helmet three three six five one nine, and be good.”

“Oh, I get to play. Fresh intelligence to corrupt. Aye aye, Captain.” The comm beeped.

“In our systems?” His head shook as he said it so I was hit with spit and sweat.

He must cost a fortune to hydrate, I thought.

“Well I can’t have you do it, can I? What if you’re the murderer?”

“Murder?!” George slumped back against the wall, “I was hoping it was just a sex thing.”

“Ahhhh!— it’s probably just an accident,” I patted him on the shoulder, “still could be a sex thing and a murder, though.”

Just then the lab door wooshed open. Haruto Takashi stood in a white lab coat. Camouflage, I guess. He was impressively mustachioed. The handle bar variety.

“Oh— ah, hello. I’m Haruto,” he held out his hand.

“Reeves Calder,” I accepted his shake. His hands were dry, thankfully.

“Are you here for Thomas?” He glanced at George who just continued to leak perspiration everywhere.

I ignored him and walked, practically though him, into the lab. You really should have seen it. So many machines and screens and all the jelly beans. Gosh it was boring. The only piece of actual decor was a few scattered plants. I recognized them as standard terraform flora. Hearty and fast adapting.

The two researchers looked at me like one would a gorilla on roller skates.

“Sooooo— what we got goin’ on today?” I lobbed the question up to anyone as I picked up a Petri dish.

Haruto ran over as if he was going to body slam me, “no, please! Don’t touch!” He said, looking like a boxer from the 1800’s.

I held my index finger up. This tends to cause a cascade failure and resets the human brain. His handlebars switched to the off position and he was calm.

It also works for pets sometimes.

“Am I holding actual extraterrestrial life?”

Haruto gulped, “possibly— we need more time to tell, there’s a lot of ocean to cover down there.”

“Mr. Calder,” George said.

“Detective.” I interrupted. Haruto’s eyes widened.

“Yes— this discovery is in its very early stages. So early in fact that the government has approved another two years of funding for us. The three of us were supposed to celebrate later tonight.”

George shook his head. Haruto nervously added, “they appear to be— proto-cells. We believe this ocean may be in the very process of forming the chemical bonds to create living organisms.”

I yawned.

I turned around hugging the dish, “I come in peace!”

“Please stop! This is entirely unprofessional!” Haruto was tapping my back.

I turned around smiling. I handed him the whatever, “sorry, I just figured— if I’m the first face it sees, maybe all life on that planet will think I’m its mommy?”

“Are you insane?” George began to show his tough side. It was just as wet as his soft side.

“You’re right! That’s just completely narcissistic. That’s the kinda guy who ends up being chased by a military squadron after blowing up three ships!”

George almost jumped back, “I thought you said it was one?”

“Wait– what about blowing up squadron ships?”

“Radiation travels faster than light, George. They shouldn’t have been so close,” I stepped up until we were almost chest to chest, “but that’s not the point. You’ve found the most amazing discovery since chocolate ice cream,” I turned my head to Haruto, “why aren’t you addressing every system from Trappist to Alpha Centauri?”

The nervous Dr. quickly placed the dish in a rolling cabinet with what must have been a thousand others.

“It is still in the very early stages as I have already said, we don’t want to jump the gun—.”

“But you do want the funding?” I said

“The specimens we are bringing up have been changing rapidly. We need to wait for life to take hold,” George said as I regretted being so close.

“And you think that will happen in a year?”

“Possibly— look Mr. Calder.”

“Detective. I’m no expert in evolution. I’ll leave that to you guys,” I backed away from sweaty and gave my biggest smile, “I get it! You don’t want to share to spotlight with a bunch of other nerds! That’s why you’re keeping it low key until you’re holding all the cards, huh?”

Both of them relaxed immediately.

George spoke in a tired voice “Detective Calder, please understand how hard it is to make a mark in this field. We just want to make sure everything is perfect before we fully announce. The funders are completely behind this and have agreed to keep quiet but they are likewise happy with the progress they see so far.”

“I mean. Obviously this would be huge for the entire system conglomerate. They could charge a fortune for people to see this place. You three would be rich men, wouldn’t you?”

My comm beeped. I pulled it out, “yes Watson?”

“I found a message addressed to their overseer regarding the research being conducted.”

“Hmm, anything else?”

“It’s unfortunately corrupted at this point. I could piece together fragments but it may not be intelligible. My apologies.”

I turned to the two Drs. “Do either of you know anything about that?”

They both looked at each other. Haruto spoke first, “he did have some concerns— some things he didn’t understand. I explained everything before he— before he went to bed. He agreed to delete the message before we lined up.”

“Watson, how about the code on the helmet?”

“Oh yes. It does appear the helmet was hacked to hold the oxygen intake to short bursts. Thus providing the appropriate motivation, shall we say for a person into that particular activity. I do not understand you bags of water.”

“Okay, so what went wrong?”

“A simple error. After the predetermined period I assume he meant it to release but instead it switched to sanitize mode.”

“Tragic,” I looked at the men, “heartbreaking, really.”

George spoke again, “so it was just an awful mistake?”

I gave him a solemn look, “it does appear so. I’m so sorry guys.”

“Awful,” Haruto said, looking at George, “well at least there’s no suspicions now, right?”

George shook his head in agreement. It seemed like he was beginning to dry out.

“Well!” I yelled, both men jumped, “I guess that’s it for me. Nothing more to see here.”

The two doctors exchanged yet another look.

“So that’s it? That’s the inquiry?” George asked.

“Is there anything else you feel I should know?”

“No! Not at all Detective. You’re obviously a master of your craft,” Haruto smiled from ear to ear.

“That’s high praise from someone as learned as yourself,” I feigned some modesty, “I guess I should be going then. It would be lovely to grab a ration pack for the road if you don’t mind.”

“Sure, sure,” George gestured for me to follow, “right this way.”

We walked more burning hallways until we got to a boring cafeteria. I couldn’t wait to get out of this waiting room of a station. George was so nice he even let me have some fresh veggies.

The two doctor’s moods had changed significantly. It was as if I’d just crowned them King of the Glisease system. When I was stocked with food they led me back to my airlock.

“It was a pleasure, gentlemen,” I said. I mean, none of this was pleasurable but that’s something you have to say.

George and Haruto exchanged one more look. One more “we got away with it”.

Oh yeah, I’ll get to that.

George shook my hand first, “thank you for coming so fast.”

Haruto nodded and reached to shake my hand as well, “we’re just glad you were able to resolve this situation without any more unpleasantries.”

“Yes, well— that’s a new experience for me. But it’s nice to know I might be allowed to work in this system again. Fair well, doctors,” I tipped an imaginary hat at them and entered The Sir Arthur.

Finally some color. My old ship has the type of decor people describe as “lived in”. Which means covered in all my favorite messes. I placed my extra food in the galley and took a ration pack up to the bridge.

I sat in the pilot's seat and opened my box. It was a mishmash of protein bars and dried meats. Judging from the rest of the station, it was probably from a rat farm in the Eridani System.

“Are you quite finished now?” Watson asked.

“Almost. Is everything transmitted?”

“Yes, the actual investigator is about two hours out.”

“Wonderful, lock them down and patch me through.”

A few beeps happened and Watson announced, “you’re live in the laboratory.”

My monitor came to life and showed the doctors in deep conversation in the lab.

“I can’t believe it was that easy,” George clapped his hands together.

“I don’t know,” Haruto said, “something doesn’t feel right.”

“A little cream should fix that right up,” I said. Both men paused and looked at the comm panel on the wall.

“Mr.— Detective Calder, is there anything we can help you with?” I could see the fluids flying from George’s body as he talked anxiously.

“I know what you did,” I said ominously.

“What— what do you mean?” Haruto looked around the room nervously like I was going to pop out of a centrifuge or something.

“I think I should be more honest with you. I don’t need a hand comm to talk to Watson. I’ve had an earwig the whole time. There’s a few things I forgot to mention that Watson clued me into.”

“What is the meaning of this?” George seemed to finally get some gumption.

“First— the mistaken code was sent remotely and the system was accessed using George’s override.”

“You used my own code?! You moron, you were supposed to use Thomas’s!” George lunged for Haruto who dived out of the way.

“I couldn’t get it! This was all your idea!”

“Boys, I’m not done yet,” I waited a moment until they fell in line, “the biology books in an engineers room was my first clue. Why did he need them? Then I took that scan of the cells in the Petri dish when my back was turned.”

Both of their eyes shot wide open at that little tidbit.

I continued, “you’re forcing the photosynthetic cells from those damned house plants into a kind of super fast evolution, right? That’s why you don’t want anyone looking at anything until you can bury all the evidence.”

“You’re not a biologist, you couldn’t possibly understand.” Haruto looked tearful almost.

“Sure— but Watson does, don’t you Watson?”

“Are you asking if I’m smarter than a bunch of meat bags?” Watson answered, “significantly.”

“Your most amateur mistake was deleting the message almost an hour after the admitted death— I’m guessing you thought no one would check. He caught on to you and you guys murdered him. At a very inconvenient moment I might add. Even if you disagree with it, the man deserved his alone time.”

I watched their faces drop even more then I finished, “we’ve rescued Thomas’s deleted email and sent it to the authorities as well as all the other evidence. You two can stay right there until they get here.”

They both rushed to try the door. Hitting and pulling and smashing buttons furiously.

“This isn’t fair! He was going to ruin everything!” George was sweat-screaming all over the lab.

“Hey— at least I didn’t blow anything up,” I said as Watson disengaged from the docking clamps.

We started to float away peacefully.

“So— did the system police ask why I was here?” I asked Watson as I dug into my rations.

“They were quite perturbed, sir.”

“How was I supposed to know I was walking into a crime scene? I just wanted something to eat.”

“They said you could have the food, sir.”

I huffed and chewed my boring protein bar. I watched the Drs. lose their minds for a bit. Haruto was throwing samples from the rack at George. Then I turned off the monitor and settled back in my seat.

“Well, Watson. Where to next?”