Save the Cat Spells Romance

Nobody who knew the old Elaine the Fair, Elaine the Lovely, the Lily Maid of Astolat from the Pre-Glitch iterations of the Fog Lake Arthurian Re-enactments would recognize her new persona, the Lady Charlotte-Elaine, Lady of Shalott, entrepreneur owner of Charlotte’s Web Weaving Patron of the Arts and Founder of the charitable organization, Red Sleeves Care Providers.

In earlier Fog Lake re-enactments she had followed Malory Tennyson’s script authentically. She had obediently nursed Sir Lancelot du Lac for months on end, fallen in love with him and died of unrequited love for him when he did not return her affection. Her body had floated down to Camelot in a barge, surrounded by her beautiful weaving panels and embroidery work, clasping a pure white lily and her final letter to Sir Lancelot.

And the authors, poets, painters and musicians, who were the Artisans in Residence in Malory Tennyson’s Cloudbank Cabin for Arthurian Studies, on the shore of the Fog Lake, had recorded the beautiful heartbreaking images of her life and final journey.

The original Arthurian characters performed the re-enactments in the Fog Lake in a continual loop (like a long running stage play). Each time the story started again it was described as entering a new iteration. Sometimes the characters would stray from the original script which led to variations in the way the Artisans wrote or painted it.

Many of the Artisans did not even realise that the re-enactments were taking place. They came to Cloudbank Cabin for the peaceful atmosphere and the heritage and artifacts left by the illustrious Artisans of the past. Little Plump Jo, the current Artisan in Residence in the cabin was able to communicate with the Arthurian characters and animals. She wrote about the action she saw performed in The Fog Lake.

Jo was the Artisan in Residence when Elaine’s change in role happened and was the one to record it.

It could be argued that Elaine the Fair began the chain of events which led to The Glitch in the Fog Lake. The Glitch affected the climate, landscape and even the sequence of events in the Fog Lake. As Artisan in Residence Jo was the one recording the events of the Glitch.

During a recent iteration, Elaine the Fair, Elaine the Lovely, The Lily Maid of Astolat had taken control of her own story and declared that, rather than die of unrequited love, she would take the offer Sir Lancelot made to her.

And then will I, for true you are and sweet

Beyond mine old belief in womanhood,

More specially should your good knight be poor,

Endow you with broad land and territory

Even to the half my realm beyond the seas,

So that would make you happy: furthermore,

Even to the death, as though ye were my blood,

In all your quarrels will I be your knight.

This I will do, dear damsel, for your sake,

And more than this I cannot.'

Tennyson Lancelot and Elaine

Elaine called it The Redundancy Package.

With the proceeds she purchased the Artist Studio in the tower on the Island of Shalott. She took the title of The Lady of Shalott and concentrated on her weaving. She employed and trained many of the young women in her weaving business and set them up to also achieve autonomy and independence. She used her new wealth to set up philanthropic trusts and sponsor the Arts.

She should have been happy with her new life and all she had accomplished.

She could have married Lord Bromwell, who owned the manor next to her father’s in Astolat. He had been courting her before Sir Lancelot came into her life. He was rather rotund and his eating habits were untidy; but he loved her dearly and would have supported all her new endeavours whole heartedly.

But Lady Charlotte-Elaine declared that she would not settle for less if there was a chance she could have it all.

And that meant having Sir Lancelot du Lac.

Lady Charlotte-Elaine had heard that the Princess Elaine of Corbenic had managed, with the help of Dame Brisen, to attract Sir Lancelot into her bed, even if not into her heart. So she travelled to Corbenic to seek the formula of Dame Brisen’s love charm.

Dame Brisen was not prepared to divulge her secrets which involved the rather dubious tactics of intoxication and aphrodisiacs; so she offered this spell instead.

Itty Bitty

Must be witty!

Change your ditty!

Use the Kitty!

Charlotte-Elaine could not imagine how she could use the money remaining in her kitty to have any influence on Sir Lancelot’s affections. But, even as she was thinking this, Dame Brisen thrust a cliché-cute ginger kitten into her arms, saying

“Give him the kitten and he will be smitten!”

“There!” snickered Dame Brisen to Princess Elaine, after Lady Charlotte-Elaine had left, “I managed to place another one of the kittens and not reveal our secret.”

Lady Charlotte-Elaine returned to Camelot. She decided that giving the kitten as a gift would not be as effective as asking Sir Lancelot to care for it while she was busy with her enterprises. That way she would be able to visit him on the pretext of visiting her kitten.

She had not considered that Sir Lancelot du Lac, Knight Captain of King Arthur’s Horse Troops and the Queen’s Champion, might have rather more to do than care for her kitten. She had also not accounted for Sir Lancelot’s massive companion dog, Heureux.

Within minutes the kitten bowled up to Heureux and swatted him on the nose. Heureux growled and took the kitten up in his jaws and carried it, dangling from his mouth to Sir Lancelot, with an expression that said, ‘get rid of this obnoxious little creature immediately or I will have it for dinner.’

Sir Lancelot took the offending kitten to Queen Guinevere and explained the situation. The Queen was given care of the kitten and Lady Charlotte-Elaine was told to visit Her Majesty if she wished to visit her kitten. Queen Guinevere pointed out to Sir Lancelot that, as he was the one made responsible for the kitten, he should also visit her in order to check on the kitten’s welfare.

Queen Guinevere was quite charmed by the cliché-cute kitten; until it grew into an aloof, entitled cat who eyed her disdainfully, refused to eat anything but the finest salmon, shredded the furnishings and scratched or bit when picked up. Queen Guinevere claimed an allergy and returned a thumping-big, bad tempered, ginger cat to Lady Charlotte-Elaine.

Lady Charlotte-Elaine returned to Dame Brisen to complain about the failure of the Kitty Spell.

Dame Brisen said the Kitty Spell was now out of warranty. Also she insisted that Lady Charlotte-Elaine had voided the warranty by lending rather than giving the kitten. She refused to take the cat back or replace it with another kitten.

However she suggested that Lady Charlotte-Elaine could now employ the Save the Cat strategy. Put the cat up a tree and then get the man to save it for her. “It always works” Dame Brisen said. “Cat Calls is the latest socially acceptable way for a young lady to signal that she is interested in a man. The lady puts her cat up a tree and asks her intended suitor to save it. The man is so flattered that the lady would choose him, you see. If the lady is not specific in her preference she can have the message broadcast by the Town Crier – that is called a Casting Call.”

Lady Charlotte-Elaine was not convinced that Sir Lancelot would be flattered. He would probably see the request to rescue the cat as an imposition rather than an honour.

But it was worth a try.

Lady Charlotte-Elaine filled out the form for Application for a Save the Cat Event.

Sir Lancelot had long since stopped answering Cat Calls. He turned to Lord Bromwell, who was visiting Camelot, and said “Would you like to take that one, Bromwell?”

Lady Charlotte-Elaine arrived at The Saving Tree at the appointed time.

It turned out that Save the Cat events were the current popular form of public entertainment. She would not be the only one participating.

There were many ladies with cats present. Some of the cats were clinging to their owners, some were contained in baskets or boxes.

The men who would be performing the rescues were standing around, plucking nervously at their brown woollen climbing tunics and running their fingers through their hair.

Lady Charlotte-Elaine could not see Sir Lancelot du Lac among the rescuers but supposed that he would come galloping up at the very last moment on his white stallion. That simple brown woollen tunic would be clinging to his impressive chest and shoulder muscles. She remembered those muscles from the times she had nursed him in the previous iterations. It was almost worth being the Lily Maid of Astolat to get her hands onto those muscles!

But if today went according to plan, she would be the wealthy, influential Lady Charlotte- Elaine, Lady of Shalott and have all those muscles plus more.

‘Well,’ thought Little Plump Jo, ‘this is certainly a departure from any of the Arthurian stories I remember.’

But she faithfully recorded the action because this was the new Elaine’s story.

The proceedings began. The Town Crier would announce a lady. She would put her cat up into the tree with the words

“Oh dear, oh me.

My cat is in the tree.

Who will come

To the aid of it and me?”

(That just sounded corny, Lady Charlotte-Elaine thought.)

Then the Town Crier would announce the name of the intended rescuer, who would climb into the tree and retrieve the cat.

The lady was then required to say

“Thank you (Insert name here)

That means a lot

Come to my house for tea and (Dot Dot Dot)

There would also be an award made for the performance voted most popular by the onlookers.

The first to compete was a lovely young couple. The lad sprang nimbly into the tree and retrieved the small tabby cat with ease. The lady sang melodiously

“Thank you, Dougal Dubglas

That means a lot

Come to my house and play your lute

And I will play my flute.”

They smiled shyly at each other and left holding hands. The cat was purring.

Several more couples competed with varying degrees of grace and success. One unfortunate young man fell out of the tree, while the cat scurried up to a higher bough. The young lady rushed to her fallen hero and said

“Thank you, Finn Flanagan

You gave it a good try

Come to my house anyway

And I will make a pie.”

At the mention of pie the cat bounded down the tree and ran after the pair.

There was entertainment with Dagonet the Jester dressed as King Pellinore riding backwards on a mule, insisting that the Questing Beast was up in the tree.

When it seemed that all the couples had now competed the Town Crier announced the Main Match. “Ladies and Gentlemen, our beloved Lady Charlotte-Elaine, the Lady of Shalott, Entrepreneur owner of Charlotte’s Web Weaving, Patron of the Arts and Founder of Red Sleeve Care Provider Services seeks the one who will complete her happiness!”

Sir Lancelot still had not appeared.

“Oh dear, oh me.

My cat is in the tree.

Who will come

To the aid of it and me?”

“I, Lord Bromwell

The Lord of Astolat,

I am here today

To Save the Cat!”

Oh no! Could things be any worse? Lord Bromwell was nice enough; but he was no Sir Lancelot! He was not built for climbing trees. Lady Charlotte-Elaine did not want to see him injured on her account and did not want to be under any obligation to nurse him or cook pie for him.

The thumping-big ginger cat hissed and scratched, refusing to leave the bag and climb the tree. A steward appeared, placed both his hands around the bottom of the bag and squeezed, expelling the cat onto a low branch.

Lord Bromwell waddled over to the tree. Rather than attempting to climb, he produced a large prime quality salmon on a stick and coaxed the cat down from the tree and into his arms. The cat nuzzled into Lord Bromwell’s neck with great rumbling purrs.

Thank you, Lord Bromwell

I’m not sure where we’re at.

You are not the one I summoned

But you may keep the Cat!