Family Dinner

Jared looked at his son, Bobby, subtly in his peripherals. They sat next to each other at the breakfast bar, his son‘s cereal untouched.

Oh I know this look, Jared thought, He’s trying to get out of Saturday night‘s dinner. Family dinner meant a lot in Jared‘s family. There was nothing more important to him, his Wife, his kids (bar Bobby at the moment, but it was just a phase), his parents and his Grandparents before them.

I don’t care what his excuse is this time I will not let him off the hook.

For the past couple of months Bobby had used every excuse under the sun not to come to family dinner on Saturday nights. Usually School related, he played on his Parent’s wish for him to excel to get what he wanted.

“I’ve got a project due Monday with my partner Josh and he is so annoying. I’ve gotta do all his work otherwise we’ll fail. I’ll be fine, but you don’t want Josh to fail again do you?”. He knew how to play the heart strings until they snapped. Recently though, the excuses had gotten... weird.

“I’d love to be there Dad but I gotta help Chase change the tire on his Dad‘s car. You wouldn’t want his Dad to come home to no tire would you? Chase would get in so much trouble. You don’t want that do you?”

What the fuck? Did Chase’s Dad run a sweat shop for local kids and teens out of his garage? No, he was a Dentist. A Dentist who couldn’t change a tire? Ha. Typical. Jared’s mind wandered to himself changing a tire. He’d never done it himself but he knew he could rise to the occasion.

Step 1: Identify the flat.

Man, he wished he’d get a flat with his wife in the car or drive passed a helpless lass on the side of the road, he’d be so humble and so good at it. Snap outta it Jared! Whatever the excuse, he was not giving in. No. Bobby had promised and Jared was gonna stay strong. He was not giving in!

Even if Bobby did get straight A’s on his last 5 papers... He did work very hard at school, around the house AND at work - No! Stay. Strong. I am the man of this house and I will not allow it! His father‘s voice echoed in his ears;

“If you gotta tell people, then you ain’t it”

Remember this strength, keep it up. But for how long?

His son wouldn’t ask him today, he was too smart for that. He’d wait until the night before, tomorrow night. THAT is when he would strike. But he would not, could not, give in. He was unbreakable, his son was about to learn the true meaning of “No”.

Bobby sat, his cereal uneaten in front of him. His heart raced as he stared straight ahead. He could see his Dad staring directly at him. He wasn’t sure if his Dad knew how to move his eyes without moving his head in the same direction. He was a confusing man. In the minute that he’d been watching his Dad, Bobby had witnessed him smile like a goof, furrow his brow, open and close his mouth then smirk in a real creepy way. All this with a vacant expression.

Man this is gonna be tough. He had to ask for this Saturday night, family night, off again. He found it so stupid. No one liked doing them. Mom couldn’t stand them, his Sister hated them too and he had better things to do, better people to do. Molly.

She was hot AF. Molly was the coolest girl in School and Bobby, Bobby was low key a nerd and a freak. But he was fine looking, and he was funny to boot. As long as he kept his anime collection and his love of the High School Jazz Band to himself, he would coast through the last two years without any negative attention. He couldn’t believe Molly even knew his name! It was one of those crazy events you only see in romcoms. He’d been in the middle of a Schoolyard Dragon Ball Z reenactment behind the bike shed ( He was Krillin - Ugh. And Danny was Goku) when he was hit with a super strong Kamehameha. He went flying and had summoned up the strength to Send Krillin’s signature Destructo Disk attack hurling back when he’d accidentally caught someone right in the throat with his karate hand.

It was Molly and she’d been re applying chapstick on her way back from vaping in a bush. He apologized profusely. He felt terrible. He really couldn’t explain what he’d been doing without showing her the series. When he’d pulled his phone out to inform her, she’d laughed. She’d put her number in his phone and croaked that she loved Dragon Ball Z. Had he imagined the Ball bit? They started hanging out. She was so funny, so hot and boy did she have a libido. His 16-year-old self could not believe how many times they’d hit 2nd base in class over the pants or how he was this close to getting a home run... Her parents were always out of the house on Saturday Nights. He knew that if he couldn’t make it to every single weekend she’d get bored and move on and he could not have that! He would never get this chance again so he started coming up with excuses. His parents were so gullible believing that he needed weekends for school work. They’d fallen for it the first few weeks, but unfortunately the Home Run was elusive. Molly’s older sister always had friends over and they were always messing with them. If they managed to sneak into her room and shut the door for more than two seconds, they’d burst in with air horns and throwing condoms at them. It was actually pretty funny. He’d held onto the condoms just in case. He was up to 7 now, most of them still in the wrapper! But he needed to close the deal, this was killing him. This weekend they’d have the place all to themselves, her sister was at a Music festival. He HAD to get out of Dinner.

Why was his Dad staring at him like that? Was he onto him?

Step 5: Ratchet each bolt tighter in unison, we want to make sure the tire is perfectly balanced and tightened evenly...

Last week as his Dad had stared vacantly at him while he recited his tire excuse, he’d thought he’d seen right through it. But after he had had mumbled an “OK, but this is the last time” Bobby’d realized he was probably picturing himself changing a tire and being a hero for once. A similar face to the one he was making now... When he thought about it, that might’ve been his best excuse yet. At least he had time on his side, he couldn’t ask Dad today it would be too obvious. Even though he was doing a bang up job of being excited for Saturday night, he needed something original. Something so last minute he’d have no choice but to say yes.

“Step 10: It’s no problem at all Ma’am, I can change a tire in my sleep. No, no I’m married but it’s nice to know I still got it.” Snap outta it Jared, what had he been thinking about before?

What if Bobby broke his own toe? He could do that, but then he’d have to go to the ER and there’s no way he’d be allowed to leave the house. What about the truth? His dad was a hopeless romantic, he bought his Mom flowers every Valentine’s Day and chocolates on all of her Birthdays and he’d only forgotten like 3 Anniversaries. He was one smooth operator. Maybe if he really leant on the love and the romance of everything, take him back to his courting of Mom... Maybe juuuust maybe...

Jared shifted his eyes quickly back to his toast. His neck spasmed. It did this every time he moved his eyes by themselves, even when he knew he hadn’t moved his head. Getting old. What was up with this kid?

Was he getting drunk, partying with his buddies, being a hooligan? Who wasn’t at that age? He deserved to blow off some steam (although he wouldn’t say that out loud, not if his wife was present). No, Bobby’s friends were all nerds and virgins. Plus Bobby always came back chipper and dazed, not hung over. It reminded him of how he’d felt when he first started dating Bobby’s mother...

Oh boy. Jared moved his eyes slowly back to his son, a smooth, knowing smirk on his face. My Son’s in love.

“What?” Bobby found that face so annoying.

“Nothing”, Jared was one cool Dad.

He is such a loser.

This dumb face was why he never brought his friends over, it was so embarrassing.

When was Bobby going to bring his friends back over?

Jared really enjoyed being a guiding light of advice and hacks on how to be popular for Bobby’s freaky little friends.

He’d decided. Bobby Davis was going to tell the truth.

“Dad, I can’t make it to dinner Saturday because... Joel has a drug problem.”

Perfect. It wasn’t untrue... Joel DID have a drug problem. His problem was, he couldn’t get any drugs. He was definitely ADHD but his parents wouldn’t get him diagnosed because “Addiction runs in the family” Whatever that means.

We’re having an intervention.

Genius. No way his Dad would be able to say no to that.

“It’s a secret though Dad, you wouldn’t want his parents find out and he be grounded forever would you??”.

He’d wait til tomorrow to drop the bombshell, if he did it today then his Dad could call around. But if he did it tomorrow, why would he? It was a Friday, parents are too busy on Fridays aren’t they? Even if he did check, of course no one would know about it, it was a SECRET. He had it sorted. He didn’t let himself dwell on the many holes. He had to play the MAN, his dad was a sucker for sob stories. He allowed himself to relax.

Ohhh K. Dammit. He’s come up with a plan.

Jared knew his son well, he knew his tells. He was relaxed which meant he’d come up with a fool proof plan to play with his emotions. It was tough being such a good bloke and a fun Dad.

NO. The answer is NO.

Good, easy as that. Whatever his son had to say, however plausible, heartfelt or stupid, the answer was no. Wasn’t it? Young love, it was a beautiful thing. Who was he to get in the way of that? Shit. Ohhh shit. He was gonna give in.

No.

Bobby telling him the truth of his own volition was the only way he’d maybe consider it. But Bobby wouldn’t lie to him would he? Whatever he said would be the truth, wouldn’t it? So wouldn’t it be hypocritical of him to say yes to one truth but no to another?

NO.

Right. Stay on course. Be. The. Man. You. Can. Be.

Deep breath. You are in charge.

Was his Dad having a heart attack? His Dad’s chest was rising and falling rapidly, squishing his gut uncomfortably against the Bar. Wait... Was he Meditating?

Fuuuuuck.

He was onto him. He had to be. His Father was psyching himself up to thwart his plan! Dammit! OK. It’s cool, it’s super cool, this settled it. His Dad couldn’t keep up this energy until tomorrow, no way! If he asked now, he’d get shut down but if he asked tomorrow, he’d get a mentally drained shell of a man. Perfect.

Remember this feeling, don’t let it go! Come on Jared, you blubbering hippo.

The breathing was good. His stomach hit the counter every time he breathed out, reminding him of how good he was doing these days at the gym.

Feel the burn.

Maybe he should ask Bobby if he wanted to pump some iron? He opened his mouth and shut it again.

No. He’ll see it as an opportunity to haggle. But he could use a spotter, he never made it past one rep on the bench. NO. YES. NO. YES. Just ask him a softball question. MINDGAMES!

Was his Dad having a stroke?

He looked like a fish out of water. Opening and closing his mouth. Oh God... Was he going to ask him a Question?! No, he couldn’t have that. Act cool. Act Normal. Don’t let him see inside.

Act cool, act natural. You’re just a dad trying to ask his son a question, just a casual conversation. If it all goes well, you’ll know something knew about your son. And if it all goes VERY well, you’ll see right through him and figure out his plan of deception!

“So Bobby, how’s school?”

Oh man he was good. Act normal, give nothing away. It can’t be going too well in case I need to use it again next Saturday. And it can’t be too bad or he’ll look at my work and see I’m killing it. Find the middle ground.

“Good.” Nice.

Oh his boy was a pro. I’ve raised one cool cucumber under pressure.

Now what? Should I ask him a question back? No, that would be weird, I don’t ask Dad questions. But would he think it’s weird if I don’t? Ask him. No. Yes. NO. YES.

Why is Bobby’s mouth doing that? Hang on... Is he going to follow my question... With his own question!? I’ve raised a tactical genius. Remain calm, answer like you know nothin.

Fuck it. “How’s work?”

“Really good.” Nailed it.

Abort! Stupid idea. He knows.

Bobby couldn’t believe he’d been so reckless. OK. It was OK. He still had tomorrow, he just had to really nail this. Maybe he could break Joel’s leg? Wait, didn’t Danny have a super sick Grandma? Maybe he could go visit her, not wash his hands for a while... Nah, there was no guarantee it would happen quick enough. Fuck. He might not be able to get out of this one unscathed. Don’t panic. You’ll figure it out.

Shoot. He’s figured something out. I knew I shouldn’t have bragged about work. Stupid. He’s got me, he’s going to say something that’ll make me think and he knows how I hate thinking on a Friday night.

“Good Morning”

FUCK, Mom!

Thank God, Shirley!

Shirley looked at her Husband and Son’s idiotic expressions.

She knew what was going on, Bobby was trying to figure out how to skive off dinner and spend the night at his new girlfriend’s house. Jared was fighting a losing battle against himself. He’d probably started strong, believing he’d say no at all costs, then brought himself down to a plea of “Yes, but only if he tells me the truth”. Which meant he’d say yes because he couldn’t believe his 16 year old son would lie to him. Men. She could tell by both of their expressions that they’d forgot to factor in the Mother of the situation. Deep down they both knew that she was in charge and she alone held the answers. Shirley liked the idea of dinner with the family, but the only thing that separated Saturday night’s dinner to the rest of the week was her husband’s constant “Family Dinner, Isn’t this lovely? I love family dinner”. She couldn’t blame her son for trying to get out of it.

Molly’s oldest sister Ava was Shirley’s hair stylist and told her everything during their 4 hour appointments. In fact, Shirley had allowed Bobby to go to Molly’s on the condition that Ava and her friends never let them have a second alone. She’d been happy with the results, even allowing the condom throwing as it acted as a back up in case those two figured out you didn’t need a bed to... Anyway. This weekend was a no go. Ava and her friends were out of town so Bobby would be home with her all. Weekend. Long. She was too young to be a Grandma. She looked to her husband’s vacant eyes (probably still fantasizing about changing a tire) and to her son’s (probably thinking about murdering a friend’s relative). She smiled, her all knowing smile.

She looks so darn pretty in the mornings. I wander if Shirls would be down for a little morning... Maybe I should put the spare on the family car, then take it off again. Bang some stuff with a hammer, get a little greasy? A working man is irresistible.

“Well, that’s it. I’m not going anywhere”. Bobby was fucked. He pulled out his phone; New mission; how to break it to Molly tomorrow night that I can’t make it Saturday and still be in a position to score? This was going to be undoable. MY Grandma is pretty old, maybe ...

“Who’s excited for Family Dinner?”