In the City Of Love

Romance

Written in response to: "Write a story about a proposal. " as part of A Moment Like This.

One.

I am in Arizona out for a weekend. I look down and pick at my tangled hair. It touches my lap and looks like there are eggs caught on my locks. Standing in the middle of the Grand Canyon Park, I see a slender man. He looks like he is in his late twenties. His front tooth is chipped. His hair is held back by gel. He takes out a ring, gets down on his knee, and murmurs something. The woman he has knelt before cheers. Yeah, she practically cheers. Ah, they are getting married. The woman is very beautiful. Her hair is blonde. A fairy tale kind of blonde. So blonde that it almost looks silver. She isn’t wearing any makeup, yet she glows. She is dressed in a knee-length black dress. Black. Noah's favorite color.


Two.

I am in New York. This time I see a girl being proposed to right in the middle of the Brooklyn Bridge. She is no older than me. Her hair is a cascade of black curls tumbling down her back. She is wearing a red sleeveless dress. What a daring color. Her lips wear nothing except for the big smile when she sees her boyfriend (or maybe her fiancé) proposing her. Her fiancé/boyfriend is a very tall guy, With shoulder-length hair. Unlike the girl, he is dressed up in nothing formal. Just a black sweatshirt with a pair of army sweatpants. And yeah, a pair of Nike sneakers too. I am very impressed with this guy's idea of a ‘perfect proposal.’ They get to have the epic New York City skyline as their backdrop! New York. Noah' s favorite city.


Three.

I am in Greece. Wandering and wandering in Santorini, I haven’t been able to see any proposal as yet. The sun is going down, and so does the man in front of me, on his knee. He is nervous. Or maybe he isn’t? He smiles and wrings his hand. Then smiles again. The woman he is about to propose is calm as ever. What a beauty she is. Her hazel eyes shine like orbs in the night. She is dressed up in an orange ankle-length dress and white Adidas. Her beautiful dress reflects off the oranges and pinks of the sky which beautifully contrasts the city's stunning white walls. Perfect for a romantic ambiance!


Four.

I am in Rome. Standing in front of the historic site of Colosseum makes me realize just how much I hate the subject of history. So far, I haven’t encountered a couple as yet. I am minding my own business, never even by chance lifting my gaze when suddenly, I bump into an old woman. She is a cute little thing. Her eyes are as small as a bead. The corners of her mouth are slightly turned up. “Hey, young lady. Watcha doin' out here, all alone?” But, before I can answer, she gets dragged into the middle of the place by an equally old man. What an adorable couple they make. Unlike all the couples I saw earlier, he doesn’t get down on his knee, he just holds her hands and says, "Will you marry me?” and suddenly people start to crowd around. Some tearing at the beautiful sight and some cheering all along. Wow, what a spectacle! Witnessing a spectacle. Noah's favorite hobby.


Five.

I am at the Opera House in Sydney. It is almost dusk. The slanting of the setting sun gives an almost warm orange tinge to the sky. As I descend the lane, I approach a man dressed up in the same attire as Charlie Chaplin. He is doing a pantomime: acting without words. He is calling...me? No, it is the woman behind me whom he is addressing. He has a red rose in his hand. He acts weirdly, yet every action of his is crystal clear. He raises his hand, makes a pleading motion, and then gets down on his knee. The woman is at a loss of words. She is dumbfounded at the sight. Her face is damp with tears. Quickly, she nods her head and the man puts on the ring in her right hand's third finger. Isn't the ring supposed to be in the third finger? Sighing, I leave the sight because this woman is not me and the man is not Noah, either.


Six.

I am in Italy standing amongst the Venetian Gothic architecture, and dreamy lampposts lighting up the streets at twilight. No wonder this is just another choice of another couple. The proposal has already been done. I'm near St. Mark’s Square outside the Basilica. I follow the couple through the entrance of the San Giorgio Maggiore church to see them get married on the spot. Douce!


Seven.

I am finally in the City of Love. 

Noah's city. 

Paris.

The seventh year, he had said.

Seven years after my parents' death.

Seven years after his parents' death.

I am back, Noah! Back again.

Where are you?


Above the frenetic city hubbub, the honking taxis, and swarms of pedestrians marching on their missions, the sky is comparatively moving slow. The movement of the clouds is barely perceptible and even the birds wheel in slow lazy arcs. But this juxtaposition is lost on the citizens. No-one even looks up. And suddenly, the sky above is alive, growing at each passing moment, a constantly changing canvas for the world to see: an endless canvas on which colors are tossed upon. Noah. Noah. Noah.


The canvas of darkened colors stretches over my head, gloriously brilliant in the dipping sun. My heart, caged like a bird in my chest, thrums with a strange sort of feeling as I see the clouds vanish into thin wisps and the moon rising in the sky. The ethereal light the budding stars give off reminds me of iridescent, sweeping rainbows; the moment of stunning epiphany when I'd first gazed into Noah's eyes. It was beautiful.


He told to me to wait.

"My lady?"

For seven years.

Noah. Noah. Noah.

But, he never told me why.

"Tris? Oh, come on, Tris."

Why after seven years?

Noah. Noah. Noah.


There he is. Down on his left knee, the handsome Noah. "Beatrice Miller? Will you marry me?" My stomach flips. So, this is how it felt. This is how the black-haired lady must've felt. This is how the old woman must've felt.


I don't know what to do.


So, I just stand till Noah wipes my tears.


So, I just stand till Noah inserts the ring on my left hand's fourth finger.


So, I just stand till he envelopes me in his arms.











Posted Jul 12, 2020
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229 likes 253 comments

July 13, 2020 04:15

The vocabulary in this piece is well done, bits of description is nice, but could be touched up some. You want to make your writing POP, sparkle, and shine. Make it irresistible for readers to put it down.

Make it play in words like the reader is watching it in their minds.

A good way to practice writing details is to go sit somewhere...a mall or busy place...and watch the people. Observe everything. Hair color. Eyes color if you can see their eyes. The colors of their clothes, style...how do they hold themselves...what is around them...and as you look, describe it in as much detail as you can.

You want your readers to connect to your characters. Feel for them. Sympathize with them. Make them real for them.

Make the readers feel their pain, their happiness, their anxiety, and fears, etc...

Keep writing! There's always room for improvement...no matter how much experience you have. Definitely keep writing.

Reply

Batool Hussain
July 13, 2020 05:06

Thank you so much!

Reply

July 13, 2020 05:19

Of course. I just hope you find it helpful.

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Quill Porter
July 13, 2020 02:13

It was beautiful. I love the way how you portrayed her thoughts throughout the years as she patiently waited. Good job!

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Batool Hussain
July 13, 2020 03:58

Thank you! I literally woke up to this sweet comment! Thank you

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PJ Casyao
July 13, 2020 01:35

BH, this is amazing! Truly!

I love how you divided the story into sections. It didn't bore me to read through it. The changing of settings, the maintained tone and mood, the protagonist's consistent voice, and the emotion portrayed at the very end reflects what I would I would associate with the main character's personality.

I also love how the sadness/melancholy (even the tinge of insecurity she felt) was portrayed in your story. Well done!

Reply

Batool Hussain
July 13, 2020 03:59

Thank you so much. You can't believe how happy I am

Reply

נιмму 🤎
July 13, 2020 00:14

What a beautiful story. You continue to take my breath away with your amazing writing :)

Plz check out my new story if u can???? *_* :P thx

Reply

Batool Hussain
July 13, 2020 03:59

Thanks. Surely, I will!

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R L Brewer
July 12, 2020 23:42

Really nice. (Only one thing to edit? Proposing her probably should be proposing to her). I like the descriptions and the mystery of the counting. Pretty perfect.

Anticipation is a great conflict. It seems as if their relationship was probably long distance.

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Batool Hussain
July 13, 2020 04:01

Thank you so much

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Felicity Edwards
July 12, 2020 21:27

A lovely story, I love the descriptions of each place, the scenery, the architecture and the proposals. Glad you included the old people, too often they are invisible. There are a few places where the narrative jars, most have been commented up already. A ring is placed on not in a finger. It would be very painful as "Noah inserts the ring in my left hand's fourth finger." Also why the fourth not the normal third?
A delightful story overall.

Reply

Batool Hussain
July 13, 2020 04:05

Thanks for the feedback;)

Reply

Djenat Remmache
July 12, 2020 21:22

I like it ! We traveled with her over the different countries. Very well described. Keep writing !
ps: Can you read my first story, I need feedback. Thanks

Reply

Batool Hussain
July 13, 2020 04:05

Thank you. Sure!

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Bee Kagz
July 12, 2020 21:10

Lovely story, creative too.

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Batool Hussain
July 13, 2020 04:07

Thanks

Reply

Vicky S
July 12, 2020 20:53

Really enjoyed this story

Reply

Batool Hussain
July 13, 2020 04:07

Thank you

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Courtney Stuart
July 12, 2020 20:36

this was such a sweet and heart-warming story! i loved how you counted all of the different cities that she saw other proposals in - it really helped to build up towards that AMAZING ending. i especially loved the concept of Paris being 'Noah's City' because as a writer, location always plays a big role in my writing, and i love it when other writers (like you!) do the same. overall, you did such a great job! keep up the great work! :)

Reply

Batool Hussain
July 13, 2020 04:08

Aww thank you so very much

Reply

Marsha Webb
July 12, 2020 20:22

Lovely romantic story, glad it worked out for her in the end. Good character descriptions.

Reply

Batool Hussain
July 13, 2020 04:08

Thanks.

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Mariyam G
July 12, 2020 19:47

Love the picture first of all (I’m a photographer:)) and I love that each second you count, another droplet of water drops into a different puddle of place. Beautiful story and very unique. Different to others- which is good:D
-Bee

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Batool Hussain
July 13, 2020 04:09

Thank you so much Bee! And you are a photographer? I'm very sure you're great;)

Reply

Mariyam G
July 13, 2020 18:16

You’re welcome and thanks again :D I’m a photographer, yes, and I wouldn’t say I’m that great☺️ I’ll include some photos in my next story!! :D thank you Batool!

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Batool Hussain
July 14, 2020 03:54

Sure! I'm so excited to read your next story now!

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Mariyam G
July 14, 2020 15:33

:D

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Ranya Navarez
July 12, 2020 19:35

Well-done! I like how Tris sees six different proposals before she experiences her own. Good job, Batool!

Reply

Batool Hussain
July 13, 2020 04:10

Thanks.

Reply

Ranya Navarez
July 13, 2020 04:20

You're welcome!

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Eric Deitch
July 12, 2020 19:34

What a vivid story, but I still don't know how you've seen so many proposals. Are you Cupid? I like the bouncing around the world theme as well as I have been to most of those places. I love going to the City of Love, it's quite nice there. You paint the pictures with words well, although, since I've been to them I know what they look like, but I digress. Great job! I wrote an essay last night but missed the deadline for the prompt so I can't upload it. Ah well; next time. You've written a great narrative, and I wish you good luck in your writing, and I hope you and yours' are safe. Peace.

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Batool Hussain
July 13, 2020 04:10

Thank you so much for the feedback! I'm sure your story is great too! Looking forward to reading it;)

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Emma Lin
July 12, 2020 19:26

Hello! You asked and I am here :)

Batool, I thoroughly enjoyed the smooth transition, the build-up of the moment at the end, which I think is romantic (again, I am a hopeless romantic).

Thanks again for liking my stories! I also appreciate the comments from you :)

Have a great day! ~Emma

Reply

Batool Hussain
July 13, 2020 04:11

Thank you so much!

And, you're welcome;)

Reply

Ken Coomes
July 12, 2020 19:20

A nice, romantic story. It raised many questions for me, which leads to my wanting more. I think that's a good thing for a writer to elicit. I feel like this had more errors than your last, maybe in your haste to tell the story? Worth the read, and the like.

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Batool Hussain
July 13, 2020 04:12

Thanks for the feedback.

Reply

July 12, 2020 18:30

This was so cute! I like how you built the suspense and intrigue with the numbers between each scene. I did spot a good amount of grammatical errors, but other than that great job!

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Batool Hussain
July 13, 2020 04:13

Oh, could you please point out the errors?
Thanks.

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Mara C
July 12, 2020 17:25

Wonderful! Heartwarming! Lovely! Love the way you have written this - love the counting in-between each paragraph, really adds a build up of anticipation and excitement! :D

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Batool Hussain
July 12, 2020 17:34

Thank you so much, Mara! It means a lot. Btw, I love how cool ur name sounds .Ma-ra!

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Mara C
July 12, 2020 17:39

You're welcome! :D And thank you as well ^.^

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Emma Chatterton
July 12, 2020 15:06

I love this, it's such a sweet story. I love the anticipation which is built up by the counting between each paragraph.

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Batool Hussain
July 12, 2020 15:21

Thank you!

If you don't mind, please give it a like:)

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July 12, 2020 12:53

Very nice job. You really set a scene with each section. And I really liked how you set it up onto sections

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Batool Hussain
July 12, 2020 12:59

Thank you. Such a comment coming from a great author like you means a lot!

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July 12, 2020 12:23

This was lovely, especially your descriptions! Beatrice's loneliness really came through, and I'm so glad she got her proposal. One technical note, when you say "the moment of stunning epiphany when I'd first gazed into his Noah's Eyes luminescence of a glittering rugged diamond" I wasn't sure whether you were talking about Noah's eyes or a diamond named after Noah. Still, a wonderful read

Reply

Batool Hussain
July 12, 2020 12:24

Thanks for the feedback, Emilie! Your words mean so much to me;)

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Sparrowhaven Press
July 12, 2020 12:25

You're welcome!

Reply

Syeda Fatima
July 12, 2020 11:52

I was in tears the whole time, such a beautiful scene captured in every kind of pose possible! well done...

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Batool Hussain
July 12, 2020 12:00

Aww, thank you! If you enjoyed it, please give it a like( Don't mind);)

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Shivani Manocha
July 12, 2020 11:10

A sweet little story about the universal yet specific nature of love. Good job!

You are a great writer. I have read some of your other stories as well. I just feel that if you could be a little more heedful towards the use of punctuation, you will excel in this field.
For instance, when you write "She isn’t wearing any makeup yet, she glows", maybe the comma should have been placed before "yet".
In a similar way, in the second paragraph, when you write "And, yeah a pair of Nike sneakers too", I feel the comma should have been after "yeah".

But I am just a beginner. My views might be wrong.

You definitely are a great writer. Keep it up:)

Reply

Batool Hussain
July 12, 2020 11:15

I appreciate your feedback, Shivani. I am truly flattered by your remarks;)

Reply

Shivani Manocha
July 12, 2020 11:33

I am glad to know that. Looking forward to reading many more stories from your end.

Reply

Shivani Manocha
July 16, 2020 11:23

Hey Batool!
Could you please check out my next story and let me know what you think about it? Any advise you have will be appreciated.
Thanks!

Reply

Samantha Chills
July 12, 2020 11:04

This is beautiful! I loved it:)

Reply

Batool Hussain
July 12, 2020 11:15

Thanks.

Reply

Abigail Slimzy
July 20, 2020 16:37

Pls I want enquire, if you Mistakenly delect a story can get back is there means of getting a selected story back?

Reply

Batool Hussain
July 20, 2020 16:44

I'm sorry. I don't really understand what you are trying to ask here. Could you please explain?

Reply

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