Ear to ear

The door slammed before I made it down the stairs. Why? I thought I heard your keys jangling. Your heels against the floorboards. But I didn't think you were serious. I didn't think you'd leave.

We were out in the cold this morning. That winter darkness before the sun comes up. My feet were freezing against the moonlit tarmac! But you didn't seem sad. You had your lovely smile on. Your breath blowing into the wind, ear to ear.

So why leave now?

What am I to do? I'm here crying face down into the shag carpet. You've looked after me all this time. I'm useless on my own. I know I've had my episodes. I know I've made you angry. I know I've made you cry. I've spun out of control, I've broken things, but I was always loyal to you. I never thought of leaving. Thought I was your life and you were mine.

Panic. I'm pacing. I'm checking the rooms for you. Maybe I heard wrong? I'll look for you like the remote between the couch cushions. I hope this is a prank. A sick prank.

I'm nothing without you.

But what are you without me? We were a team until this morning. Can't remember life without you. I pause in our room. Your indent is still on the bed. I press my nose to your pillow and inhale deep. God, if I could have you in a scented candle.

But I can't. You've taken off. You've been planning this. I know you have. For weeks now. Maybe months. You had to get out that badly you didn't even leave me any lunch? I deserve better than you. I deserve MORE. Everyone tells me how great I am. Everyone is always excited to see me. Most ignore you. I've always been the happy-go-lucky type, people cling to. That's why you loved me?

Though I never actually thought that. I always thought you were the light between us. I remember the first time I met you. Ear to ear. Just like this morning. Your hair curled around over your shoulders and your eyes settled in my soul. I was just a bum then. You even saw me eyeing up the end of your sandwich. Philly cheese steak if I remember correctly. I thought it was such a strange offer, we had just met, but you gave me the end. We didn't stop laughing from there. We spent every second together. You got me on my feet.

God, I would give a million steak sandwiches to get you back. I'd give anything. Just come home. I can change. I'll be whoever you need me to be. Do whatever you want me to do. Just come home to me please.

I still love you all the same. I always will. You were the big one. I know it's cliché, but life started with you. You left the radio playing in the kitchen. I curl down in a ball against the fridge. It's cool on my back.

Love songs played in the background of my whimper.

I must've done something. If only I could remember what. I'd give anything for you to tell me what. A clue.

But you won't. Because you're gone. The afternoon sun has poured in through the double doors out into the back garden. What is this place without you? Every flower in that bed was placed with your care. Every weed from the cobbles was pulled by your hand. The sun only beats down on our garden because you gave it something to shine upon.

But this sun is white. And the clouds are rolling in. It'll be dark soon. And I think it's going to be like that for a while.

I may as well get used to this. What's done is done. I wish I was angrier. Or muster up some malice. You had your reasons. And knowing you it was the right call. I wish these kitchen tiles would swallow me up.

Life without you. Life without me. You'll finally get to do all that travel you wanted. I always turned it into a hassle and you never understood why. You can get out there. Enjoy your life and stop worrying about me. About my bills. About the mess I cause. No wonder you left me.

It's clear now. You are everything I ever wanted. But far more than I deserved. And I don't blame you. I love you. And if your life is better off without me, then I wish you the best.

You're the bravest, most beautiful person I've ever met. And you'll always be my big love.

But just in case you change your mind. I'll be here. Watching that door handle. Listening for the jangle of your keys. And I promise you, if I ever get lucky enough to prove it to you, I will be the one you deserve.

It's dark now. These winter days are so short, aren't they? The porch light springs on. Timered. I thought it was you for a second. Isn't that funny.

The light spirals through the frosted glass and sparkles across the hallway walls.

Yeah, I better get used to this. But I will. For you.

Headlights glare through, down the road we used to walk. One set after the next. Tires screech. Maybe I'll go to bed. Can I sleep in our bed?

I don't know if I'll be able. But you're not coming back.

Wait. Those headlights. I recognise them. The sound of the tires rolling up the driveway. Was I wrong about you? Maybe you were wrong about me? Does it matter anymore? I hear heels against the cobbles. I hear keys jangling.

God, I hope it's you. It has to be you.

The door swings open. The light pours in. Ear to ear.

My body is shaking.

You lean in and rest your hand on my head.

"Who's a good boy? Did you miss me?" you said.

Yes. And it's me. I'm the good boy.