I Am Just a Henchman

I lie still and silent on the cobbled floor, doing my absolute best not to move a muscle. It is not easy, let me tell you that. Now, before you go judging me and thinking you can do better, I will bet you one million bucks that you’d end up the exact same way as Roger over there. He went all out trying to fight Captain Fantastic and lost, the idiot. There are a lot better gigs than being a henchman for these villain guys. I personally wanted to be a barista, but my hands shake too much. I kept pouring the cream over the counter and not into the cup. Plus, Mr. Magnet gives great health insurance and free lunches, and that is a decent deal.

I feel a sudden gust of air as Mr. Magnet launches a giant steel beam across the room and straight into Captain Fantastic, using his new and fancy science wall. To be honest, it’s just magnets basically glued together. The story’s superhero barely catches the big beam between his hands, launching him across to the other side of the giant magnetic dome. Now he is pinned against the wall. I can feel my gun and aaaahhhh shit... there goes my Donald Duck watch. That was a collector’s item. I was gonna sell that for extra money for my vacation. Oh well... I bet Captain Fantastic isn’t gonna enjoy it almost lodged into one of his orifices. Those magnets are some powerful stuff... Now, I ain’t supposed to know this, and the fact that I do know this means I should not spill it to you, but hey, why not? I don’t think I am going to have much of a job working for Mr. Magnet over there much longer anyway. Mr. Magnet, who gets his name because he does evil things with magnets, if you did not figure that out yourself... genius. Well... he wanted to build a super magnet that would draw down any satellite dish and crash it into the Earth. You know, cause some big calamities and whatnot. I don’t know why he would want this, though. I ain’t his fucking therapist.

Now Captain Fantastic found out, and that is why he is here. Now, I don’t know how he found out, cause I did not tell him anything, and I honestly don’t know the guy who did. I am just the henchman, you know. I literally just stand here and make sure guys like Captain Fantastic have extra work to do for their plot and raise their stakes, but the guy is overpowered, so what the fuck does that even help? So I decide to just duck and fall. I am not stupid. The guy is superhuman after finding some object or some shit. I was honestly not paying attention to the story. I am definitely not getting paid enough to do anything, let alone fight that guy.

Anyway, that is why Captain Fantastic is here, and now Mr. Magnet is giving one of those irritating long speeches. I don’t know why he is doing that... Blah blah blah... you are too late... blah blah blah... I control the magnet thingy now, Captain Fantastic, and I am going to destroy whatever city or place he does not like... This is why supervillains get their asses kicked. They talk too much. I can understand it buys time for the protagonist to realise something they learned, or have a sidekick do something, or just buy screen time. Wait... Wait... Wait... Captain Fantastic just managed to escape single-handedly by basically wall-benching the beam. He got out of the way too easily. I really hate overpowered heroes these days. No flaws. Just overpowered and did nothing to earn it. They get very boring very quickly. Holy shit... He just flew into Mr. Magnet. That was so fast, what the fuck. He is grabbing his neck and throwing him to the ground like a toy, forming a crater because Mr. Magnet has weird armour or some shit, so he does not feel pain the same way we do. I am really starting to regret this goddamn job, and I just want this to be over so I can go see my cat, Latté. I am not worried if something happens to me and nobody watches Latté. I am worried for whoever has to watch Latté. That kitty is the true villain. I swear. You may sit there confused, thinking I chose this life, but you would be wrong. I was forced into this because of that cat. Have you any idea the expenses cats come with? The number of vases and glasses they break just because they think it is funny to knock shit over? Plus, I could not be a famous barista influencer, so I had to opt for something else.

A laser flies right past my head. I can feel its heat pass my ear. Mr. Magnet is blasting his photon lasers, doing everything to keep Captain Fantastic at bay. A futile attempt, if you ask me. He is just buying himself screen time for the inevitable. Plus, the hero needs an epic fight, right? I watch the Captain as he zooms with ease and grace around Mr. Magnet’s photon lasers. This guy is really going to get it, and I have to be honest, deep down, I am rooting for Captain Fantastic. Besides, I heard that the Shadow Lurcher is in need of barista henchmen, and he gives paid holidays. I am going to give that a shot instead.

I feel a giant gust of air blow past my face. Captain Fantastic’s recognisable red and blue costume flies over me. Sweat streams down my face as I watch Captain Fantastic tear through the giant magnet wall thingy. The alarm goes off, and a self-destruct sequence starts counting down on all sides. Fuck this shit! I begin to belly crawl. The exit is around the corner. I don’t know why I was so stupid to just keep lying there, waiting for who? This guy is not here for me! I only move a few metres before Mr. Magnet’s body is thrown over my goddamn body and across the room. I just lie still for a second, praying I didn’t just shit myself after that.

Out of the corner of my eye, I see Captain Fantastic slowly hovering over me. I am praying this guy does not see me. Next thing I know, I am the one being tossed around like a rag doll! I don’t have time for that. I have a cat to feed and an amazing attempt at making a red velvet and pumpkin latté waiting for me. I continue belly-crawling toward the damn door. Why does he have to make this secret lair so damn big? I am getting winded over here. Yeah, sure, we needed some fitness to get in, but once you are in, you don’t really do much. Mr. Magnet is being carried out like a bag of potatoes over Captain Fantastic’s shoulder. The superhero flies up and bursts through the magnetic ceiling AGAIN! The guy decides to make more work for himself. What the fuck! Plus, why do they always leave the henchmen behind when the clock is ticking? So Mr. Shiny Insecure Magnet gets a chance to leave, but us henchmen must sit here and burn? Why do you writers feel the need to leave us like this, huh?

Good thing I finally manage to make it to the giant magnetic door. Grabbing its large, cold, rubbery handles, I begin pulling with all my might. I hear the familiar click from the lock and the squeaking from the wheels rolling the unnecessarily large and useless magnetic door. Finally, I take a step into the hallway, turning left toward the exit. Just two steps in, I notice the damn hole Captain Fantastic made when he came bursting in for his epic entrance. How the fuck did I not see that? Why did none of you say anything? I did so much to open that door. Do I look like that wedgie-faced Captain Fantastic to you? You know what, I am just going to head home. It has been a long day, and the last thing I want is to get blown to heaven over superheroes and villains fighting for your entertainment! Goodnight!