Of Jasmines and Viridescent

Romance

Written in response to: "Write a story that begins and ends with someone looking up at the stars." as part of Two Hundred!.

Without my eyewear, the sky above belongs in a museum of modern art right alongside Van Gogh's starry night. The light radiates from every star and my distorted lenses twist it into gleeful patterns. Returning the starry night to constellations of pin-pricks is simple, but my glasses stay right in my pocket while I take in the sky above. The grass on my soles is soft on soft, warm on warm, a gentle tickle as each giving strand forms a cushion of green. Each strand moves in the summer breeze as easily as my hair, the waves and rustling as alive as my steady breaths. Mom? Dad? Why did you have to leave me like that? I say to the stars pretending they are my parents. Tears well up in my eyes as I cry. My chin trembles and my lips quiver.


I hear heavy footsteps approaching me, crunching the leaves beneath. I sit up straight and try to force a smile. "You have been crying again. Haven't you?" I hear a smooth voice. It's none other than Tayler, of course. He lost his parents the same night I did. Since then, he has been my guardian angel. I smile and look into his eerily serene gray eyes that look deep blue in the dark. And, he smiles back.


It had been a chilly December morning when the news arrived. My parents had been killed and nobody seemed interested in telling me that. My relatives had been pretending to be all sweet and condescending up until...until Tayler arrived. "Tess, they...they got killed ." Brutally murdered, he had said. I was five and I didn't know what murdered meant. Not until my parents' corpses were brought in front of me. Not until I was told to bid them farewell. Not until I was told that my parents had gone. Forever!


Tayler and I used to live in the same house. Despite having good family terms, we never interacted much. I minded my own business and he minded his own. I didn't know that he had gray eyes that looked hues of hazel in the afternoon and aquamarine at night. I didn't know that his front tooth was chipped. I didn't know he had a small scar right under his left earlobe, which was both tiny and innocuous. Not until I turned eighteen.


"What are you thinking? Reminiscing about the old times. Eh?" Tayler takes my hand in his and suddenly the air around us grows chill. I shiver and thus, he pulls me closer towards him. What would I have done without him? He looks at me with soft eyes as if sifting through the grains of my thoughts, separating the wheat from the chaff. "I wouldn't live without you. Never," he answers.


Eighteen. I got to know everything about him when I turned eighteen. I got to know that his fringe kept on falling back into his eyes even after tremendous tries. I got to know that he was ambidextrous: was able to write equally well with both of his hands. I got to know that his favorite color was viridescent because it meant life, nature, energy, harmony, growth. Because it meant the color of my eyes. It was on that day he showed me his tattoo. He had a small tattoo that said ‘T' on his right ankle. “For you, " he had said.


I feel a raindrop fall against my skin, followed by several others, but I don't have the heart to go back inside. I move slightly, crossing one leg over the other, leaning back on my palms to observe the remaining constellations uncovered from the clouds. The moon hangs full and hazy beneath an eclipse of blazing stars, allowing me to see Tayler's face, brightly illuminated. Our bodies are a fountain for the incoming rain, the water making my eyelids heavy. I close my eyes, a rattled sigh passing through my parted lips as I do so, causing my breath to fog up in front of me, obscuring my vision, as I take in the feeling of wet, bruised skin.


I feel an insect crawling on my skin. Panicking, I open my droopy eyelids to see Tayler, grinning. He is holding Jasmines in both of his hands. Jasmine, my favorite flower. "C'mon, you loser. You aren't allowed to sleep over here." And, before I can argue he stands up and gets going. Being the lazy brat that I am, I lay still trying very hard to go to sleep.


Tayler and I became best friends in a very short span of time. Wherever we went, we went together. I had no one except for him. He had no one except for me. It had been my twenty-second birthday party when he proposed to me. I hadn't known how to react and so I had burst into tears. Everyone except Tayler had soothed me. Stupid him. Stupid him. Stupid him. Back at our home, he had rolled his eyes at me as if I had spoiled his 'perfect proposal.' I didn't have the courage to face him and so that night I had cried myself to sleep. He still makes fun of me for doing that. Stupid him. Stupid him.


I'm lost in my past when Tayler snaps me back into reality. "Hello, hello! What is happening, Tess?" Sweet, our friends call us. He never calls me Tessa. Never. He wants to pretend that we are the best couple to ever exist. "Can we please go inside now?" He asks and gives a pleading look. I smile and motion for him to sit down. He folds his arms and remains standing firmly at his position, his brows creased with annoyance. He looks cute as a button just like a five-year-old. "Sit down," I say realizing that is the first time I've spoken throughout the night. He turns around and stomps his feet which automatically makes me laugh. I feel relaxed and that makes me realize just another thing: my face is damp. I have (probably) been crying. "Tayler. Come on. Sit down." I pat the grass and move to make some room for him. When he still doesn't listen to me, I grab his arm and pull him down. "Oww…" he mutters.


I lay my head in Tayler's lap while he tells me just how many things he loves about me. I am trying to close my eyes, slowly and slowly, drinking in the night full of stars and the moon which is covered by murky clouds that blend in with the rest of the sky.


Posted Jul 20, 2020
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196 likes 190 comments

Zilla Babbitt
July 22, 2020 18:11

Okay, finally got around to commenting. Not that I wasn't drawn in; I'll usually go and read the day I say yes to reading, but then I'm lazy and think, I'll comment later. Anyway, this is better showing, great descriptions, and I like how you weave a storyline of "true love" and yet give hints (Tayler rolling his eyes at Tess for spoiling the proposal) to indicate that something's not quite right. Also the dependence she has on him, and the way her guardian angel falls in love with her... hmmm.

Things to work on: Flashbacks. The italicized parts are okayish, they're a distinct looking-to-the-past, but they're almost pure telling. Spread this out; have a tiny scene of her seeing her parents' bodies, a tiny scene of the proposal (you have this a little, but no dialogue, I'd add dialogue), and maybe a series of tiny scenes to show how great of friends they are. Making these tweaks really help smooth out the plot and ... (what's the word?) carrying line? The... progression of the story, and of course bring the reader's imagination in.

Good descriptions, and you're getting better at showing not telling. Keep it up!

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Batool Hussain
July 22, 2020 18:16

Thank you for your true feedback;)

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Zilla Babbitt
July 24, 2020 13:41

You're welcome!

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Daniel Bussey
July 26, 2020 01:43

"I close my eyes, a rattled sigh passing through my parted lips as I do so, causing my breath to fog up in front of me, obscuring my vision, as I take in the feeling of wet, bruised skin."

I could be misunderstanding this line, but I too notice a dark undertone to this piece. Why does Tess have bruised skin? Is Taylor hitting her? (I may be reading too much into that line). And Taylor making fun of her for crying herself to sleep when she "messed up" the proposal? There are definitely moments that show there are unhealthy aspects of their relationship.

Good read. Thanks Batool Hussain :)

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Zilla Babbitt
July 26, 2020 18:54

My thoughts too. On the surface it's a sweet little love story, but there are hints both large and small that this story is darker than it looks. Sort of scary, and done really well.

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Kathleen March
July 23, 2020 00:40

parents' corpse was brought ---> my parents' corpses were brought

great family terms?

over-crossing ---> crossing

viridescent is an adjective; you may be looking for viridescence, which refers to the quality of being green and is a noun

I like the ornery love relationship, but it's also a bit scary.

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Batool Hussain
July 24, 2020 12:17

Thanks for the true feedback !

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J. Ernst
July 22, 2020 20:00

Nicely written . I especially liked the sentence:

"He looks at me with soft eyes as if sifting through the grains of my thoughts, separating the wheat from the chaff."

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Batool Hussain
July 24, 2020 12:16

Thank you. Your comment is so sweet;)))

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Thom With An H
July 27, 2020 23:36

This story is beautifully told. I love this prompt and your take on it. I am a new writer and seeing stories like this one inspire me to be better.

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Batool Hussain
July 28, 2020 06:08

Thanks. This means so much:)

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July 24, 2020 11:36

This is love. You blend the stars in with this story so that we can clearly see love underneath. I like the way you've played Tayler out, keeps getting really good.

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Batool Hussain
July 24, 2020 12:03

Thank you so much!

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𝔸. Triangle
July 21, 2020 03:16

This story was really well done! The imagery was beautiful and I aspire a vocabulary as large as yours! You always put so much time into character development and an engaging plot. You write like a poet, and lines such as "drinking in the night full of stars" are "the air around us grows chill" is such a poetic thing to say and I love it.

Take care,
A.

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Batool Hussain
July 21, 2020 18:17

This means so much, Anna! Thank you♥

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Zyönnah Isiguzo
July 22, 2020 17:35

This is so beautiful Batool. You are a bit of a romantic aren't you? Well done!

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Batool Hussain
July 22, 2020 18:18

Thank you! And, about the question, I don't think I am;)

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Quill Porter
July 22, 2020 04:51

I love the emotions running in this story! The flashbacks were a beautiful touch. Good job!

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Batool Hussain
July 22, 2020 05:24

Thanks

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Rosa Rainbowz
July 22, 2020 04:02

OMG! After I read this, I was thinking, you got yourself a new follower! This is so detailed! Thank you so much for sharing <3

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Batool Hussain
July 22, 2020 05:25

Omg! This means so much, Rosa;) Thank you so much!

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Rosa Rainbowz
July 22, 2020 14:24

You are very welcome!! 😄

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San T.
July 28, 2020 05:31

Such a sweet story..
Could you have added something on Tess's part too, like Taylor's tatoo? It's just my thought.

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Batool Hussain
July 28, 2020 06:10

Thanks for your true feedback:)

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Michelle Bynum
July 28, 2020 00:59

I was completely engaged in this. Your descriptions are spot on. I was really feeling the dark undertones of their love story, but with the lightness of their true friendship was spectacular. You are really good at character development and getting me to care for Tessa.

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Batool Hussain
July 28, 2020 06:09

Thank you! This means so much:)

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Nayab Ahmar
July 27, 2020 20:03

Loved this story!! It was strangely haunting, which kept me hooked till the end :) If I had to describe this story in two words, I would say it's hauntingly beautiful.
Great story, keep writing!!

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Batool Hussain
July 28, 2020 06:07

Ah, thanks. This means so much:)

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Nayab Ahmar
July 28, 2020 18:15

No problem :)

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Ankita Chaurasia
July 27, 2020 18:13

I loved the description at the beginning of the story... Was kind of hoping for the guardian angel to be imaginary and someone who was clearly visible only when Tessa discarded the glasses, but that's just the drama queen in me :) great work!

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Batool Hussain
July 28, 2020 06:06

Hehe! Thanks:)

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Nico K
July 27, 2020 17:49

Hey! This story's pretty compelling and I do like your writing style. It's very descriptive and the reader can almost feel the atmosphere the story is set in. However, you don't let the reader sink in the tiny details- you pretty much tell the main character's past instead of showing. You could fix this by adding dialogue talking about the past, or adding things in parenthesis, similar to Stephen King's style. Overall, the story was a good read, you just need a little polishing! Keep working at it :) And hey, I recently submitted something but I haven't got any feedback, could you give me a hand? I'd appreciate it a lot, ahaha!

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Batool Hussain
July 28, 2020 06:05

Thanks. And, sure. I'll do so in a while:)

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Jubilee Forbess
July 27, 2020 15:01

Oh, I like this one too, Batool! It's writing like this and making good connections with the community that launched you right up the leaderboard. Fan-tas-tic. Hope your online class went well! This story reminded me of something really really sweet that has kind of a mysterious aftertaste and you're wondering, "Hm, am I going to get sick? Am I going to have a peaceful dream? What's going to happen now?" And that was really good. :D

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Batool Hussain
July 27, 2020 16:14

Thanks. I'm off to reading yours now:)

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Miss Tee
July 27, 2020 14:17

Wow, I love this story
Your ability to use words to describe is top notch. And I noticed she had wet bruised skin is that a hint to something?

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Batool Hussain
July 27, 2020 16:13

Thank you! Perhaps, it is;)

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Shivani Manocha
July 27, 2020 08:48

Loved reading this beautiful story:) Especially the ending. I mean I found it very smooth and a unique way to end a story. Nothing too showy, or climactic, or mysterious, just a very sweet and loving scene. Great work!

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Batool Hussain
July 27, 2020 16:08

Thank you:)

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Roshna Rusiniya
July 27, 2020 06:16

This is a very sweet story. Really enjoyed it.

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Batool Hussain
July 27, 2020 06:18

Thanks.

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Selene Sweck
July 27, 2020 01:03

I was drawn into the story and thought it was well written; however, I wondered why her skin was bruised. There seemed to be contradictory emotions for the scenes.
It felt like an incomplete story that you wanted to read the end. I wanted to know the significance of the parents murders too or more in the story.
Certainly, I’m no authority, this is only my second story.

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Batool Hussain
July 27, 2020 06:12

Thanks for your true feedback:)

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July 23, 2020 12:58

This story is amazing! I love the description you used so the reader can truly feel where they are! Keep it up!

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Batool Hussain
July 24, 2020 05:31

Thanks.

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Tyra Johnson
July 23, 2020 10:55

Lovely story, your writing skill is impressive. I love the vivid you integrated in your story.

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Batool Hussain
July 23, 2020 12:46

Thanks

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Jonathan Blaauw
July 23, 2020 09:01

I really like the imagery you use in this one; lots of great descriptions. And filling in the backstory in flashback form works here. This could have been for last week's proposal prompt, but it works with the stars just as well. I was a bit distracted by the fact that both sets of parents we killed on the same night, and that murder is specifically mentioned. I was expecting that to come up again later, but maybe you’re keeping that in your back pocket for a sequel? Or maybe it’s just one of those things for the reader to ponder? Overall, great story. I still can’t decide if it’s meant to be happy or sad. Maybe a bit of both? Because that’s life I suppose, not always neat and tidy and black or white. That comes through in your story, which means as a writer, you did your job. Well done.

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Batool Hussain
July 23, 2020 09:11

Thank you so much!

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Liya Mariyam
July 23, 2020 07:08

this story is amazing , i mean the descriptions are out of this world , it was so creative and interesting , i loved it .

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Batool Hussain
July 23, 2020 07:13

Thanks.

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July 22, 2020 16:34

This story was beautifully written! I could cleary picture Tessa and Tayler throughout the entire story. That is hard to do, so kudos to you! :) Keep writiing and stay healthy! -Brooke

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Batool Hussain
July 22, 2020 17:20

Thank you!

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July 22, 2020 19:09

You're welcome!

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Nancy Drayce
July 22, 2020 10:59

Very lovely! Truly amazing! 💜✨

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Batool Hussain
July 24, 2020 12:15

Thanks

Reply

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