The value of my own company.

The art of being alone, the art of enjoying your own company. Finding solace in your own company, your own voice, silencing the loud ones in the head, making fantasies about a life you desire to have, both nostalgia and deja Vu from a place familiar, while still being, living and existing in the presence. To be human if you asked me, but with more alone company, it hits deeper.

So it hits you that ten years from now you will be experiencing life so differently from where you are now, that is if you make it out alive. Perhaps you'll be over your mid life crisis with your already receding hairline and ten years later you'll have made peace with your new identity and you won't be minding about your scalp no more, haha.

Or how ten years ago you were only worried and bothered about your skyrocketing hormones as a teenager but today you have ten times much on your plate worrying about bills, money, success,your aging parents, turning decades older with nothing to show, or having faith in deals here and there awaiting for evidence of your hardwork to be evident.

Like a seed growing in the concrete pushing it's way out to catch the sunlight, or a foetus growing in the womb, slow milestone, growth, patience, incubation. For good things take time, slow ant moles eventually create hills, trust the process, Rome wasn't built in a day, but Rome was built every day.

To be lost in your own company as a creator and writer, in the woods, in nature, by the stream, chirping birds as a distraction in the distance feels like an enmeshment of belonging, finding a sanctuary and meeting God. Perhaps because in that moment, alone and not lonely, your mind can only do a vivid flashback, foreshadowing, wandering, flip backs of motions, your vulnerability taking control, coming into terms and truth about who you are as a person, the why's to your being, your traumas, your weaknesses, your strengths, your shortcomings, your background, your roots, your identity, your personality, your character.

I think that's why they say you can never run away from yourself, for yourself is your own truth. The truth however is, no one can be you, and that's the ardent win about individualism, you can only be as powerful as you can imagine, because even the powerful ones just decided to believe after they imagined it, or maybe envisioned it while others dreamt about it, the constant is that they never lost sight of it.

I have become so much addicted to my own company, because that way, I don't have to explain myself to anyone, the silly jokes or crazy dreams in my head, the intrusive thoughts, replaying scenes and imagining scenarios, overthinking, kissing a crush, "Chuckles". Like to someone else that would either be an inside joke or missed joke all together.

The world would be on fire burning to ashes sometimes and I wouldn't recognize while lost in my own thoughts. Like how the world is on fire with men coming together for world cup and girlies all glued on their screens watching and talking about the polygamist,so much humor because for me I'd want to be a polyglot sat somewhere in Santa Jose sipping Margarita enjoying Burritos and Tacos by the beach in the sweet shores.

But returning to self occasionally is a win. Like taking a task break to rush for a cigarette break, it's the adrenaline and the head rush that makes it whimsically tantalizing and intriguing, one puff, two puffs, slow breaths, just a cancer stick that gives a temporary orgasm making you feel as if you're inhaling the good vibes and exhaling the bad and bullshit, oh, I didn't say bad and Boujee, maybe that's what the Chain smokers would say.

Have we met before? I went on a blind date with her, the refining, redefining, visitation of moments and memories that tore me apart and reminded me that sometimes, pain is a part of us, healing happens in layers, parts, and sometimes relapse because it's not linear.

So to be gentle with those parts, when they make an appearance. Parts that need extra caution and intense care, the loud ones, the ones we don't fully move on from but don't necessarily dwell on. The hurt, the grief, the betrayal, the loss, the mishaps, the delays, derails and detours. Albeit disappointing, to keep meeting them, that even when they were to make an appearance, you wouldn't fret much. Like baking in the oven and awaiting results from the recipe, or delivering a baby after its due date. The ends to the means.

Tending to the parts of us that are too sensitive, too sloppy, too slippery, to know how to welcome them, to bandage them up, to stitch the wounds, to mask them, careful this time, not to bleed like the first one.

Putting in the work, by the day, continuously, consistently even when it feels hard, impossible or undoable. Chasing the days that leave us with a high of enjoying life and the slow ones reminding us that it's just a passing cloud. To catch the sunsets, watch the horizon, dance more, hug and love the closest to us, spreading kindness like Nutella, love never hurt,only the loud hearty laughs, but worthy hurt, to make more memories and enjoy the momentum.!

To have found my higher self seeking the most high, in this intimate sanctuary, where only him and I have conversations, revelations, manifestations, restoration and transformation and to meet my highest self is to meet God, to seek his guidance , having a master planner means you're both a masterpiece and work in progress so you keep creating, doing what sets your soul on fire.

To walk on purpose never felt so rewarding albeit excruciating. Like specifically gathering the points and pointers, sent on an assignment to deliver, like a midwife or a mediator, the purpose of delivery remaining, at a stand still even when sometimes it feels as rare as a hen's tooth but to keep choosing, believing and doing anyway.

There's some overflowing joy and beaming smiles that are from fulfilling your desires, like living inside the bubble of your dreams so surreal, or being surrounded by a love almost palpable that it feels like an everlasting home that you carry everywhere and shelter the warmth of what it comes with.

I realized I get emotive everytime I'm telling about myself, I can only hope to stop kissing and tell but this is me, my being, the voices in my head, the value of my own company. As expensive as it comes, to guard and protect it, so the church said "Amen".