Random Forces

The longest day of the year was slowly turning into evening, and California was showing off as if it had personally arranged the sunset.

The sky above the park across from the Google campus was full of pinks and oranges and soft violets, all blending into one another like watercolours.

Suru barely noticed.

She and James had wandered there after work as they often did. They had talked about bugs in their code, films, food, the ridiculous number of meetings they had sat through, and global warming, the reason why California was drier every year.

Eventually the conversation faded.

At some point, while they had both been trying to get comfortable against the old willow tree, their shoulders bumped. Neither moved away afterwards. It was easier to pretend neither had noticed.

The light turned softer as the sun slipped lower behind the trees. James stretched one leg, absent-mindedly placing his hand on the grass between them. His fingers brushed hers for the briefest moment.

"Sorry," he murmured.

But he didn't move his hand away.

Neither did she. “It’s okay.”

Seconds passed. Suru told herself she should move her hand. Or perhaps shift it the tiniest bit, just to see what would happen. No. That would be encouraging him. She wasn't that kind of girl. She had already been called too forward once in her life. She wasn't about to prove someone right.

Minutes later, almost absent-mindedly, she turned her palm. Their fingers slipped together so naturally that it felt less like a decision and more like something that had quietly happened while they were thinking about other things.

James glanced down. A smile tugged at the corner of his mouth.

They sat there looking at their joined hands instead of at each other, as though acknowledging them would make everything too real.

James turned to say something.

At exactly the same moment Suru turned too, intending to make some sassy remark before the silence became dangerous.

Their noses bumped.

They were suddenly close enough that Suru could see sunset colours reflected in his grey-blue eyes. She became absurdly aware of everything—his smile, the warmth of his shoulder against hers, the hand still holding hers. Both seemed to be holding their breath.

She should have leaned away. Instead, she looked at his mouth for the smallest fraction of a second.

One of them leaned forward. Or perhaps both did.

Later, Suru would not remember who closed the last inch.

She only remembered his lips on hers, gentle at first, almost careful. As if he was making sure she would not bolt. Instead, her hand found the back of his neck, and the kiss changed from a question into an answer neither of them had been brave enough to say aloud.

She had kissed before.

Back in India, there had been stolen kisses near cafés and on long bike rides when she and her boyfriend had lied to their parents and said they were meeting friends. Those kisses had been nice. Sweet. Exciting because they were forbidden.

But this felt different. This felt like the whole world had gone quiet just to listen.

When she finally pulled away, the sky had darkened, and James was looking at her with an expression she had never seen on him before. Not teasing. Not confident. Almost shaken.

Then, because he was James, he said, “Well. That destroyed all my brain cells.”

Suru laughed, breathless and embarrassed and happy in a way that frightened her.

“I should go,” she blurted, because running away was safer than feelings.

They walked to his car holding hands. That was the first mistake.

Or maybe the kiss had been the first mistake.

Or maybe the mistake had happened long before that, the morning she had gone for coffee with a stranger because her friend had set them up.

Later when James dropped her at her apartment, he kissed her once more at the entrance. Just a small kiss. A peck, really. But it made her stand there smiling like an idiot long after his car disappeared.

She was still smiling as she changed, washed her face, brushed her teeth. She realized it was not impossible to brush teeth while smiling stupidly. As she climbed into bed, the phone pinged.

Awake?

She smiled before she could stop herself.

Obviously.

Three dots appeared. Disappeared. Appeared again.

That was… well, that was something. The best so far.

Suru stared at the words until her chest felt too full. She wanted to write, yes, it was. Instead, she wrote:

Yes, the sunset was beautiful.

His reply came instantly.

You wound me.

She laughed into her pillow.

Yeah, what else.

A pause. Three dots, no three dots, three dots. Then after a long pause:

I wanted to kiss you the morning you ran away from my house.

Her smile disappeared.

Oh? I didn’t run away.

There was a longer pause this time.

You definitely did. Had I kissed you then, you would have disappeared.

Suru put the phone down for a moment.

He was not wrong.

She had been running from things for months.

More than a year earlier, she had boarded her first flight ever with a suitcase, a work laptop, and a heart she had decided was no longer reliable. Officially, she had come to California because Google needed someone from the Bengaluru office for a six-month project.

Unofficially, she had run away.

From India. From her parents’ questions. From relatives who wanted updates. From her ex.

Her boyfriend in India had loved her in all the ways that were easy. In messages, late-night calls, stolen kisses, declarations made when there was no one around to challenge them. But when his parents decided she was too forward, too independent, too modern for their good religious family, he folded like wet paper.

He said he was helpless. Suru had understood then that helpless men could still break your heart.

After that, when her mother began saying, “We are not pressuring you, but at twenty-eight you are not getting younger,” Suru had not fought with her usual speeches. She was tired. Tired of being too much. Tired of proving she was still a good girl even if she had opinions, a career, and a mouth that did not stay politely shut.

Suru had expected herself to argue. Instead, she had said, “Okay.”

That was when she knew she had given up, not dramatically, but quietly. Fine. Let them choose. Let horoscopes, salaries, and respectable families do what love could not. She would marry someone decent. She would have a sensible life. It would not be magical, but perhaps it would not be humiliating either.

That had been the plan.

Then James happened.

He happened so gradually that Suru never noticed the exact moment he stopped being just another colleague. After that first coffee they began chatting on the office messenger. At first it was only about work.

Can you look at this API?

I sent you something for code review.

Soon the conversations wandered far away from software.

He wanted to know why Indians always seemed to eat lunch together. She wanted to know why Americans called everything "awesome."

Somewhere along the way they stopped waiting for messages and simply expected them.

When Suru reached the office in the morning, she would glance across the floor before switching on her laptop.

If James wasn't there yet, she felt oddly disappointed.

If he was, he would wave dramatically from across the room as if they hadn't seen each other in years instead of since yesterday evening.

It was ridiculous. She told herself it meant nothing. Americans were friendly. That was all. Her friend, naturally, disagreed.

"He's flirting."

"He isn't. He is just curious."

"No man asks that many questions because he's curious."

"He likes learning."

"He likes you."

James remembered little things. He remembered that she hated too much sugar. Or that she didn’t like distractions when she was working on something. He remembered she had wanted to go to a KHSMR concert, so he arranged tickets. One Saturday he invited her to join him and a few friends for a hike near Stanford.

The hike itself was ordinary. Something she had already done. This time, it became special, just because of James. Suru found herself enjoying every minute.

James had an irritating habit of making ordinary things feel interesting. He was funny, smart and charming. A shameless flirt, but never too much. She liked that he pushed her to try new things, things she didn’t like before or had never thought about.

He took her to Fisherman's Wharf, where she nearly gagged at the smell of crab.

"You've brought me here to torture me."

"I brought you here for trying new things."

“Ah well, I don’t like fish. I told you I am veg.”

"No you are not. And, you have no sense of adventure."

“I will show you adventure,” Suru promised. So next she took him to her favourite Mexican restaurant and ordered the spiciest food she could. She watched him turn bright red after eating one small chilli.

"I thought you liked spicy food."

"I do." He reached for his water and said, "This was attempted murder."

“No, it was adventurous,” she said with a wink.

Another evening, she cooked palak paneer for his family at his house. His family welcomed her as though they had known Suru for years.

By the end of the evening Suru realised something that frightened her. She felt comfortable there. No one judged her for her clothes or opinions. They discussed even when they disagreed, and they didn’t embarrass her. Almost... like she belonged.

It was late by the time dinner ended.

"You are not driving back tonight," James's mother announced. “Cabs are not safe at this hour even here.”

She turned to James. "You take the sofa."

"The sofa is too short," Suru said before thinking.

Everyone looked at her. James raised an eyebrow. His mother laughed. Suru felt her face grow warm.

"It is a big bed," she said quickly when James showed her his room. “We can share. We are adults, not teenagers.”

Lying in the dark beside James, in his t-shirt and shorts, it suddenly felt like the stupidest decision she had ever made. The bed wasn't small. It only felt that way because she was aware of him.

Neither of them spoke for several minutes. Finally, James whispered, "Are you asleep?"

She smiled into the darkness. For another hour they lay there talking quietly. About childhood. School. Why he had chosen computer science. Why she had first studied physics before changing her mind.

Eventually sleep came. When Suru opened her eyes the next morning, sunlight was creeping through the curtains. James's arm was resting lightly around her waist.

He was still asleep. She froze.

She carefully lifted his arm, slipped out of bed and quietly left the house before anyone woke. James didn't message her that entire weekend. Part of her was relieved, and still, she waited.

Then on Monday at work, it was all normal again. Her messenger pinged.

Coffee?

Coffees turned to lunches, dinners, concerts, hikes, going out with his friends, hanging at his home, watching TV. Without either of them noticing exactly when it happened, James quietly became part of her everyday life.

And that was the problem. Because every day that passed made September feel a little closer. Every day reminded Suru that California was only temporary.

She had a plan, a very detailed plan. The one she had told her best friend at college. Married at 27, love match, thank you very much. Two kids at 32 and 35. A modern couple, with her being her own woman and only love binding them together.

Her friend had laughed at the rigidity of her plans and told her to relax, enjoy the moment, because life was unpredictable. Random forces were at play sometimes.

And wasn’t it true? Her plans had derailed because she came across as forward to her boyfriend’s family. Her boyfriend turned out to be a milksop when faced with a choice. And at 29, she was still single, with hopes for a love match gone forever.

Then came the longest day of June. And the kiss. That one perfect moment where her heart leaped with hope. The next morning Suru woke up smiling, as if her face couldn’t help smiling even in sleep.

It lasted exactly until her mother's name flashed on the screen.

"Hi, Mom."

“You look happy." The disbelief in her mother’s tone made Suru cringe.

"Do I?"

"A little."

They spoke about ordinary things. Her brother had finally bought the bike he had been saving for. The neighbour's daughter had given birth to twins. The monsoon. Then, as casually as if she were talking about the weather, her mother said, "We've received three prospects. All IT engineers."

Suru's smile disappeared.

"I told everyone not to hurry," her mother continued. "You're still in America. So no pressure, but maybe have a video call with them already?.”

No pressure. But…

"Okay," she heard herself say. Because she was done making decisions with her heart. She had agreed to this.

Her parents smiled. When the call ended, Suru sat on the edge of her bed for several minutes. Thinking. With her head.

Her phone buzzed again.

Coffee at the park before work?

Before talking to her parents, she would have said yes. But she had made rational decisions now, with her head. Not heart.

Busy today.

Avoiding James was impossible. He sat twenty metres away. He knew exactly when she usually had coffee, which staircase she preferred and which cafeteria she liked.

The first couple of days he pretended not to notice. After that he stopped pretending. On Friday afternoon she stepped out of a meeting room and turned the corner towards her desk. Someone blocked her path.

She stopped.

"James."

“Why are you avoiding me?”

She searched for a lie. Nothing came.

"I have to go."

She walked away before he could stop her.

That evening she deliberately stayed late and waited until James left. She should talk to him, tell him they should stop. Everything. But how, when? She knew what that kiss felt like. She knew what was blooming between them was not just friendship. She didn’t want to break his heart; she didn’t want to break her own again.

It was breaking anyway.

By the time she left the office, the parking lot was almost empty. James was leaning against his car, waiting for her. He straightened as soon as he saw her.

"Get in."

"I'll take the shuttle."

"I know. Just get in. Please."

There was something in his voice she had never heard before. Worry. Hurt. She got into the car. Neither of them spoke while he drove. He pulled into a quiet overlook above the bay. The lights of Silicon Valley shimmered below them.

They sat in silence on the hood of his car. He had laid out sandwiches and water between them. A few minutes passed before Suru had enough.

“Say something.”

“Oh,” James said. “I thought you might have something to say. Maybe about why you are avoiding me?”

"I wasn't avoiding you."

He waited, chewing his sandwich thoroughly, waiting for her to continue lying. Finally Suru couldn’t bear it.

“You know, you are the unpredictable random force that hit my life in such a way that I am again at the juncture to topple all my plans. I thought, what is the big deal if I didn’t marry by 27? I can still have the rest of my plan intact. Marry soon, have kids at 32 and 35, continue being who I am. And best part is, it won’t be me looking for someone. So if anything goes wrong, I can blame external factors. Not because I was too outspoken. Or too forward. Or too independent.”

Suru was crying now. When had that happened?

“That’s why I took this project. To run away for a little bit. To enjoy before I am tied up in the next steps of my grand plan for life.”

“But then,” she continued, “you happened. You with your mischievous smiles, and smart talks, and blue eyes and best kisses…”

“One,” James said, smile obvious in his tone.

“What?”

“We had only one kiss so far, Suru. Not kisses.” He smiled. “I never made someone unravel like this with one kiss. I am… honoured.”

Suru stared at him, incredulous.

James jumped down and stood in front of her. “What now?”

“I will still go back, come September. My project will be over…”

He hesitated. "...or because you're afraid of staying?"

Suru closed her eyes. She had been asking herself exactly that all week. When she finally answered, her voice was barely above a whisper.

"Both."

James nodded and stayed silent, hands in his pockets, looking at her hands crumpling the sandwich wrapper.

"What if this doesn't work?" she asked.

He looked up at her. "What if it does?"

"You're still staying here."

"Yes."

"I'm still going back in September."

"Yes."

"So, what happens?"

James smiled, the same mischievous smile that had made her heart skip the first time they met over coffee.

"We have seven and half weeks. I'd like to spend every single day making you regret deciding not to fall in love with me."

She laughed. Then, before she could overthink it, she leaned forward and kissed him. When she pulled away, she smiled.

"I think," she whispered, "you're already too late."

She still didn't know what would happen after September.

Maybe distance would defeat them.

Maybe it wouldn't.

For the first time in months, she realised her friend was right all those years ago. She should simply enjoy the moment.