Old MacDonald Arrested

Old MacDonald had a farm, and on that farm he was training animals to infiltrate the halls of power. Old MacDonald (72) was arrested dressed as a clown. He planned to snare the nation with delicious fast food laced with cocaine.

It was Furball Fluffington who infiltrated the despot’s network. That cat sure wears the hell out of those boots, this reporter must say. The hat isn’t a bad look either.

“I’ve been undercover on the farm for months now,” said Furball. “And on that farm he had a cow. The bovine was training for something involving the moon and cutlery. From what I saw. It would have killed millions.”

Vowing that his undercover days are behind him, Fluffington agreed to share his story on the condition of payment in catnip.

“I was under cover in a smuggling network before it was legalised. I’ve been addicted ever since.” The black and white feline broke down in tears as he was paid for the story. Problems with addiction have kept him from family, who grew tired of him stealing to feed his habit.

“People call me a hero today,” Furball says, “but tomorrow I’ll be on my own dealing with the problem that’s been dragging me down for years. I know I need rehab but like Amy said; no, no, no.”

Among the charges levelled against MacDonald are sedition, terrorism, grand conspiracy, corruption of minors, and breach of copyright. Many fast food chains are already preparing cases to sue the former farmer.

Animals from the facility where Old MacDonald brainwashed them are in protective custody. Authorities say they will be on watchlists as they undergo deprogramming and court mandated therapy. Some have been part of the conspiracy for years, spreading MacDonald’s message through catchy children’s music. The disgraced media tycoon was a known fan of Hitler’s phrase; He alone, who owns the youth, gains the future.

Despite warnings being spread among mothers everywhere, videos containing MacDonald’s messages are still available on many social media and streaming sites. Efforts to remove them have been stymied in the short term by free speech advocates and far right groups.

An associate of MacDonald, known only as Mary, left the compound in handcuffs. Lambs wailed, led away from their abusive master. The smallest broke hearts, struggling free to sit on Mary’s lap in the back of a police van before it was taken away.

Ewan Ramstein (29) and his wife Woolamina (31) claim the child in the now viral news clip is theirs. Snow-White Ramstein met Mary, who gave a talk at her preschool years before.

“Everything changed when she met Mary. Our Snow-White was charmed by the girl. Mary seemed very agreeable at first. That was just a facade, beneath she was quite a contrarian. Anything good in the world was a conspiracy. Our little lamb chopped off communication with us. That last time we saw her was on the news, getting escorted onto a bus two by two with the other animals.

Police have assured us that parents of the children will be contacted as soon as all of those rescued from the facility have been identified.

“Old MacDonald had a pig,” Fluffball told us, before breaking down into a sobbing series of vowel sounds. “He found out the big guy wore a wig. He knew there was a mole in his circle. He tortured the pig. No matter how much Chris P Bacon squealed, MacDonald didn’t believe he was part of the cause. I had to keep my mouth shut as I watched. You know what the worst thing was? He branded the pig with his mark. It smelled delicious.” Fluffington licked his lips, recalling the ordeal.

Minute by minute, the scale of MacDonald’s crimes is revealed. Five little ducks went out each day. One by one, the farmer lured them all away. Fluffington believes some of them may be buried in a field of graves marked only by leek plants.

“He had a thing for cruel and unusual punishment. He made five little monkeys jump on a bed until one fell off and one bumped his head really bad. Papa M, that’s what he liked us all to call him, called a doctor. I tried to alert the doctor to what was happening but he just said we shouldn’t be jumping on the bed.”

Social media is already abuzz that Old MacDonald should have been arrested earlier. Whistleblowers were ignored. Opportunities to end the ordeal of so many innocent animals were missed.

The first rumours of malicious activity emerged in 2017. Three mice reported MacDonald to police, accusing him of blinding them to set an example to others. One lost all of his hair during the ‘expulsion of sin’. Another was beaten around the head, causing swelling that never healed. The third mouse, Larry (25) has given a statement. “He was a monster. It was the same thing, every night. Trying to take over the world. He thought he was a genius. He was insane.”

MacDonald settled out of court with the mice, using a non disclosure agreement to keep them from telling their story.

“I know people will judge me now, but I needed the money,” said Larry. “He’d already ruined my life. At least I got some cash to keep me going. I’m sorry to everyone I might have helped. Non-disclosure agreements shouldn’t exist. They just help people like him hide their crimes.” Clearly haunted by his time on the farm, Larry said; “I can still hear his voice yelling ‘see how they run.’ He would laugh. He was singing one of his songs about a teapot when he burnt my friend. ‘I’m a little teapot, short and stout.’ His hair never grew back. MacDonald called him Pinkie.”

Sedition carries a sentence of up to 20 years and a fine of up to $10,000. Sedition will be the least of Old MacDonald’s problems if he is found guilty of terrorism, which can carry a life sentence and in rare cases, the death penalty. Lawyers for Old MacDonald have issued a statement admitting that he was responsible for several noise disturbances in the past but has learned from his mistakes. He claims the entire investigation is a witch hunt by those who don’t agree with his ahead-of-his-time thinking.

BREAKING NEWS: Old MacDonald has announced his intention to run for president. It is believed he hopes to use the presidential pardon.

Further allegations have come to light dating back to the 1990s, Old MacDonald was accused of failing to declare income for tax purposes in 1992-1998 but due to the statute of limitations cannot be prosecuted for tax evasion. A former girlfriend of MacDonald claims that she went to police in 2001 with claims of violence committed in the 1980s but was told too much time had passed since the offenses to secure a conviction. Once again the statute of limitations saw a criminal evading justice.

I’m Fawning Itin with the Six O’clock News, click on the link below to watch Bear Lee Seayew with the weather.