My Life In Your Hands

“Where are you off to?” Dallas questioned.

“I have to leave, Dallas,” Caleb murmured. His hair nestled softly in the wind. It was around 5 in the evening and everything around the two seemed glittering and coated with liquid gold, especially Caleb’s hair, which Dallas had noticed was even more gold with the hour. Everything melted away with Dallas. He threw his hat on the ground. The same hat his grandfather passed to him the day he died. Caleb’s eyes shined so brightly, that it seemed as if could drown, or so Dallas thought. Dallas had seen those eyes so many times before, but they seemed as if he could drown in the ocean that they were. They shone like a bright blue sapphire.  They lived on a family-owned ranch together. Dallas’s great-grandparents had built it from the ground up. Growing up there for Dallas wasn't easy, but that burden soon became lighter when Caleb arrived. Caleb became a ranch hand. Often during the summer, the two boys would spend day and night together in the hills tending to the sheep, keeping the wolves away. Dallas didn't know that the wolf he would encounter would be the one that struck his heart, not bite or claw at him. Caleb would wake up early each morning during the winter just to stoke a fire and get coffee brewing for Dallas. A mutual love blossomed between them. That once sweet love, which felt like biting into a ripe red strawberry for the first time during the summer, soon burned to nothing but ashes when Caleb relayed the news that he had been drafted in someone's Hollywood war. That summer night, Caleb left. Dallas always found himself to be bland. He didn’t see anything special in himself. He had short dark hair with speckled green eyes. Those same eyes began to water furiously as Caleb walked off. Dallas remembers nothing more of that night.

“You belong here! With me. At the ranch.” Dallas would cry out for the final time. Then he was gone. For a couple of months after, Dallas was alone. He always blamed himself for Caleb's leaving. He thought he had been too much trouble for Caleb to handle. One night Dallas’ aunt came into the room. She had lines under her eyes as she relayed the news. Caleb was presumed dead. No one could find him. He was gone. It sunk into Dallas’s mind. If only he had done more to make Caleb stay. He would be here. And alive. Racked with grief, Dallas left to go north with nothing but himself, some supplies, his horse, and his grandfather's hat. He journeyed for 20 miles north until he found himself a nice plot of land in a quiet field. Willow trees surrounded a pond that bent to and fro, in sync with the soft wind.

 He builds from the ground up, a cabin with just enough space for him and some other things. He lived there. He didn’t particularly like the solitude but it suited him. He would cry often, missing his best friend. He continued to blame himself for what had happened. He distracted himself with chores, working day and night. Some days he would rest, and others he worked so hard his hands would bleed. He didn't care for the pain though. He enjoyed it because it distracted him from sorrow. The memories of his best friend now sat in his mind and became clouded with the thought and shame that they could have grown old together. Maybe I could have done more, he would often spit at himself. He would throw himself against walls and purposefully hurt himself while using his tools. He thought if he could cause himself pain, that would make up for the pain he had caused everyone else, including Caleb. His knuckles became scarred and his heart became hard as leather. He never had visitors and would shoot any animal that would come near the cabin. He resented every living thing. He would stand at the pond by the cabin and night and wait for death to come to him, but it never did. He wholeheartedly began to copy Caleb's movements that had been burned into his mind. He often caught himself talking to the trees and such, believing that they were Caleb. He felt as if he was going mad. One night he found himself at the edge of the pond. He put a couple dozen heavy stones in his pockets and began to wade into the water. Each step was heavier than the last. He began to sink, but he knew he would soon be at peace. He saw Caleb at the surface. His golden hair and bright blue eyes seemed to be there. They seemed so real. They were so similar to the love he had first found but so different. Suddenly he was grabbed by something. A strong arm pulled him from the water. Coughing up water, he fell unconscious. Caleb was his only thought. He fell into a long, dreamless slumber. It felt unrelenting. He felt a sense of relief when he awoke, but then realized he hadn’t died. All he wanted was death. He wanted to see his love again. But he will not. “Caleb..,” Dallas mumbled. All he could think about was Caleb. He faintly remembered his face from above the water. His hair, his eyes, the look of concentration that Dallas knew so well. 

“Dallas,” Caleb answered.

“Hi handsome,” Dallas smiled with his eyes closed. “You aren’t real, are you? I’m imagining this again. You’re not here. I can smell you though. I know you so well. I know every freckle on your sun-tanned face and every detail in your eyes, Caleb.”

“Hi, Dallas.” Caleb walked over and held Dallas’ face. “It is me. Hold me. I am real. I left you. But I am here now. So please, believe me.” Caleb wiped tears forming in Dallas’ eyes. Dallas was in disbelief. I’m being delusional again, he thought. It's impossible. He’s not here. He’s dead, and I am cursed to live this horrible life. Oh, God, why can’t you just let me end it now? I yearn for connection. I yearn to hold that love I once had. 

With that, Caleb leaned in and kissed Dallas. Dallas knew this gesture well, from years of being together and living in the tent up in the hills. He knew Caleb's lips and jaw and everything about him. Taken back to the tent, Dallas remembered the gentle embrace the two had shared. Many times, they had loved each other and showed that in the most beautiful way a human physically could. The love they nurtured flooded back into Dallas’ heart. He felt Caleb's love again. He knew it was him. Caleb was alive and he was right there, he was right beside Dallas, showing him affection in real-time. This wasn’t another one of Dallas’ delusions. 

“Caleb…” he mumbled as he smelled his hair for the first time in years. He felt the soft stubble surrounding his lips and chin. He looked into his bright blue eyes and drowned in them. He sat there for hours, mesmerized by something he had been stolen of. Now, it was his again. His cold heart now became melted. He touched every part of Caleb’s body as if studying something he had seen so many times before. The ridges and cuts in his hands, the roughness of his jaw, his sharp collarbone, the soft embrace that held him in place. Tears were no longer a thing for Dallas. He had cried all his tears. All he had now was his love. The love that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. Together. Maybe in this cabin he had built. Or maybe somewhere else. Dallas didn’t care. He just wanted to have Caleb back. All to himself. 

“Im here. I will always be here. I am not dead. I am not dead to you. And I will stay here. I will protect you. Because I have caused you so much hurt. I love you Dallas, and I am so sorry. I am so sorry for all that I’ve done. I put out the fire we had created in each other's hearts. And I’ve missed you. Oh, how I’ve missed you. I yearned and groaned through these years constantly. Waiting to see you yet again. I had to go through it. They forced me to go. If I didn't go with them, I would never have the chance to see you again.” 

Dallas asked Caleb what had happened after he had left. It was inevitable that he would ask that question. Caleb explained that he had arrived to be shipped off somewhere for this war, which Dallas knew nothing of since he had lived in solidarity, and Caleb explained that he was drugged and forced into a work camp. He was there for years and finally found the means to escape. He fought with all his might to get out of there. He explained the horrors he saw there. The things that he had to go through. Yet, his only light, which he constantly kept in the back of his mind, was Dallas. Dallas and Caleb clung to each other each day and night, not stepping away from each other for more than a moment. Dallas taught him how to do some things in the cabin, so they could make room for Caleb to live in it. They slept in the same bed, getting as close as possible to each other, to make up for the time that they were apart. They spent days by the large pond, under the weeping willow, fishing and talking about all that had happened since they were apart. One night a small dog came close to the cabin. They were sitting outside near a fire, singing songs they had made for each other. The dog wearily came close to the two. It was afraid so they knew it posed no threat to them. They fed the mutt some bacon and gave it some pets. It laid down next to the men and shortly after, claimed them as its owners. They decided to name him Bandit. They tied a bandana around his scruffy neck. The dog remained constantly around them, as if he had lost them as well. Dallas and Caleb found a family within each other.