I am enough

Dear Diary,

I have done it! I have discovered what I want to do for the rest of my life. When I look back on this moment, I will remember it as the day I began the rest of my life. I am a screenwriter. That’s who I am now. Tessalyn Grace Morris, the screenwriter. Or maybe just “Tess Morris”... or what about “Tessa Grace”? Ugh. I hate my name. Maybe I will choose a pen name. 

I will begin taking classes to start writing my first script on Tuesday. James told me about it, and he heard from one of his friends that it is a good one. I love that man so much. Sometimes, I look around at how much we love each other and I wonder if we are crazy. He sent me a notebook yesterday that says, I “heart” ice cream yesterday because when he first asked me out, he asked me to get ice cream and I exclaimed “I love ice cream!” when really, I sort of hate it. 

Maybe I will write a screenplay about us, and how much we love each other. Although, I’d really like to write a story about a mother having telepathic powers and passing them onto her son. So, they are connected by this power since they are the only two people in the world that have it. 

Ok, that’s it for now. James is coming home with Chinese. Yum. 

Xoxo, 

Tess. 

Dear Diary, 

Ok, so I hate writing. It is evident, since this is my first entry in weeks. I can never find the motivation to do it, and even when I do, I hate it. I quit the class, and I sort of hate myself for it. Although, James says it is okay, because at least I can rule something out that I know I don’t want to do. Now, I can find what my purpose is another way. It’s just not fair. He is almost finished with his residency work hours, and then he gets to be a doctor. I have absolutely no idea how I want to spend my life and I am 28 years old. 

I was thinking I could start my own daycare since I love child care so much! I nanny now, and I love that, but I know I am meant for something more. I am going to google what that would entail. Maybe just rent out an old office building and be cheaper than the rest in the area! Hire a few friends at first. I’m going to look into this! 

Next time I get around to writing, I may own my own daycare! 

Xoxo, 

Tess. 

Dear Diary,

James proposed! I said yes, obviously. I would do anything for that man. The first time our lips touched, I knew that I was going to look back on that moment for the rest of our lives. We often remark about how happy we are together regardless of how long we’ve been together: “Is this normal?”. I think we just know who we are, we are great at communicating, and we love each other. I think it really is that simple. We fight, but we usually just talk it out and move past it. I am so grateful for him every day. 

Also, I want to become a teacher! This is it! My official “thing”. I want to teach younger children, though. I want to teach them to learn to speak and stuff! How fun would that be?? I’m going to focus on going back to school. Although, now, I do have a wedding to plan!! Oh, man. 

Xoxo,

Tess. 

Dear Diary,

It sure has been a while… and I am pregnant!! With the milkman’s baby!! Haha. Kidding.

It’s weird. I promised after the wedding, I was going to figure out what I wanted to do with my life. But, I don’t think I really want to be a teacher anymore. I’m just not much of a public speaker, and I guess I never thought of that being part of the job. This feeling of a life growing inside of me is so strange. I am the roots and soil that this baby will grow from. I hope I don’t mess it up. What if it gets my nose instead of James’ and it gets made fun of by the other kids for having a big nose? I guess the good thing is when he or she comes home, they will know that I love them no matter what. I didn’t have that when I was growing up.. A loving parent. 

Still, when James is at the hospital, I often dream about going back to nannying or maybe writing a cookbook. But, there is just too much to do with the baby coming to do that right now. Maybe one day. 

Xoxo, 

Tess

Dear Diary,

My son is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me. I’ve never known what it would feel like to actually be willing to die for somebody, but I would for him. The sun lives in his smile, and his perfect tiny fingers reaching up towards me can transform any negative emotion into honey. Holding him feels like breathing for the first time. Like, the world can be holding me under water but seeing him emerges me out of the ocean I was suffocating under. Every single day, he learns something new and I learn patience. Almost nothing is immediate anymore. I take things slower now, because I know being around him is the only place I need to be in the world. 

It is funny when I look back at my old entries. I kept looking for a way to prove myself to the world. As it turns out, I was born to be a mother. That is honestly enough for me.

Sometimes, I think of how terrible my life is for feminism. You know, being a housewife and a mother while my husband works all day. But, that never affects the dynamic of our equal relationship. He never treats me any sort of way just because I don’t work. He loves what he does, and it fulfills him. To my knowledge, he never resents me for not working and I try to do everything I can to make his life easier. I never resent him for never being home more. I know that he is completing his mission in this life, and so am I.

I am a mother. That identity feels more natural to me than anything else in the world. I don't need some wild career. I don't need some dramatic life. I don't need to be more than I am. I am enough, and I always have been. 

Xoxo, 

Tess