dinner and salt air

The sea waves rose and fell on my feet, and the sand was giving way into my toes.

I hugged myself, wrapping my arms around my torso. The sea was calm, white-capped waves slowly going back and forth. I watched my brother, knee-deep in the water, even though he was wearing a regular shirt and shorts.

I sighed, placing my arms up in the air, stretching. I squatted down, making sure that I didn’t touch the wet sand, and grabbed a nearby stick.

“June, what are you doing?” Ella, my little sister, asked me. She had put on a bathing suit, and her hair was already dripping, feet soaked in the wet sand that I’d been avoiding this whole time.

“Just making some little doodles in the sand, El,” I replied. She smiled, then shrugged, and walked away, yelling at my other little sister, Joy, to play with her. I laughed a little, and then stood back up, admiring my work. A couple smiles, some random shapes, and some other random things. I glanced at my parents, who were mumbling something, a solid two feet apart from each other. I felt my chest tighten, and then walked over to them.

“Hey, can I walk down to the pier?” I asked them.

“Sure,” they both replied, “Just make sure that you keep an eye on your sisters.”

I thanked them, told them I would, and then sighed. My lungs filled with the salty beach air as I inhaled, and then exhaled, walking slowly down to the pier.

I walked down to the pier, quietly moving towards the waves, which soaked my feet. I glanced at the thread around my ankle. Pink, blue, yellow. My favorite combination of colors when I made it last year.

The beach was going to solve at least two of my problems. I would get my own room, and I could just exist without being screamed at.

The pier became closer and closer in my view, and I heard a seagull call in the distance. I closed my eyes for a couple seconds, and then looked up at the sky. It was streaked in different hues of pink and dark blue, the sunset in the distance. It was beautiful.

The seagull’s calls were interrupted with my siblings and parents calling my name, telling me to come back. I felt my stomach sink ever so slightly, and reluctantly turned around. I didn’t want to turn around. I wanted to stay, to become one of the stars that were emerging slightly as the moon became lit up, hushing the waves.

My feet left tracks in the sand as I caught up with my family, laughing a little, ignoring the pang in my chest.

As we walked down to our beach house, I started thinking about the next day. Breakfast, half of lunch as usual, and two thirds of dinner depending on the amount of calories burned. Nothing too extreme, I had to look good in a bikini.

My dad opened the door to the house, and then walked inside, followed by all my siblings and my mother. My ears rang, the sound of waves quietly crashing echoed in the distance.

I walked into my room, bags neatly packed away into a closet, clothes dotting the drawers where I found a random hat. Jumping up on my bed, my brain slowly dissolved. I had been forgetting small things, my grades were dropping, and my brain was fuzzy and numb all the time. Someday, I thought, I’ll be apart of the stars.

It became harder and harder to keep my eyes open, and finally, resting my arm over my tired eyes, I fell into somewhat of a slumber. I was awoken about thirty minutes later via Ella, pounding on my door as if it held all of her little hopes and dreams.

“June, it’s time to eat!” she yelled through the door, genuinely believing that I couldn’t already hear her.

“I’m coming,” I called to her, and the pounding stopped gradually, and I could hear her heavy footsteps as she skipped away. Oh, to be a child. Well, I really like feeling like a child. I watch kids shows because they are simple, and have sweet endings. Sometimes, when I’m watching a show with Ella and Joy, a character will say something that they overlook, that to them, is just another line in the episode.

“It’s okay to feel sad, we all feel sad sometimes. The sunshine will come around eventually,”

My eyes will get all glassy and my throat will tighten, knowing that these children have it so good. Sitting with Ella and Joy, their tiny bodies radiating warmth, I want to curl up into a ball and have them place their heads on my shoulder. I am their rock, but sometimes, unknowingly, they are mine.

I trudged out of my room, a song entering in and out of my mind. I could recall the melody, but not the words. I didn’t want to hum it, that always made somebody mad. Don’t want to rock the boat anymore.

My parents were laughing, and my siblings were actually talking without fighting. I smiled slightly and pulled out a chair at the table, tapping my finger on my thigh, which I measured with my eagle eye.

“Come to the table, guys,” I told my siblings, and they reluctantly obeyed, sitting in their pre-assigned chairs. I took a deep breath as my parents began to take plates to the table, making small talk.

I picked my fork up, and then put it back down when I remembered that my dad hates that. My brother began eating anyway, and I glared at him. He stuck his tongue out at me, and I rolled my eyes. He was only nine, so he could have some mercy.

“Alright, let’s pray,” Dad said, and I closed my eyes. He said the prayer that he usually says, and then we all started to eat the sandwiches and chips they had made for us.

We had been in a car almost all day, but I was hungry, so I allowed myself to eat all of the dinner. I caught the eye of my mom, smiling at my dad.

They fight for a week straight and then suddenly it’s all smiles and laughs and hand holding.

I dug my nails into my arms as the thought came to a halt, consuming my brain. I took a deep breath again and then continued nibbling away at my sandwich as we talked about what we would do at the beach once all of our family arrived. Cousins, uncles, aunts, and one set of grandparents. Nobody has died yet in our family, but the grief I feel for nothing is wild.

After I finished eating, I excused myself from the table, and went to my room, bouncing on my feet so that it looked like I was being active. I pulled out my pajamas and went ahead and took a shower so that I could get it over with and then watch the evening news.

The warm water pierced my back, washing away some sand and sins, and I sighed, bending down to touch my toes. It was weird, my mind. Thoughts had stopped racing and changed to a big cumulonimbus cloud, slowly moving and reminding me of all my wrongs.

I sighed, my eyes feeling heavy again, my chest tightening. I pumped the shampoo onto my hands and combed through my hair, singing to the song that had been stuck in my head all day.

As I dried off with the towels we had brought from home, I thought about everybody who I said goodbye to at the end of the school year.

I’m not one to cry on the last day of school, but this one was harder.

My best friend, Mae. I even wrote her an entire essay convincing her to stay at our school, but she had to go where her brother was going. I remember what I said to her, my voice cracking audibly.

“I’m not ready to lose you.” I choked. She looked at me and nodded, and then we embraced. I wasn’t ready, and I will never be.

My other friend, Lillie, whose dry shampoo I still have, after all these months. I always told her I would bring it back, but I kept forgetting. She never was the same after winter, and it was all because of me, really. All because of me. She and I talked about why boys didn’t say ‘I love you’. She said it was completely normal, and I agreed.

Whenever I tell her I love her, I don’t get a response.

I stepped into my over-sized shirt and pajama shorts, and then walked with my head hanging to the living room, where the news was on. I allowed all the sadness and war in the world to entomb me, cradling me.

Nobody knows that this is how I feel, and they never will.

After watching the news, guessing three puzzles before anyone else on Wheel of Fortune, and getting a couple of answers from miscellaneous knowledge on Jeopardy!, and watching American Ninja Warrior with my brother, I headed to my room.

I hopped into my bed, and then turned on some relaxing music/white noise that I always fell asleep to. The thoughts slowly eroded in my head, breaking apart bit by bit. I didn't get nightmares, but it's not often that I dream.

When I woke up, I was excited. I leaped out of bed, practically jumping into my bathing suit, and making up my bed in what I'm sure is record time.

I walked out of my room, unlocked my door, and grabbed a cinnamon white chocolate protein bar for breakfast, which would keep me full for a good bit.

"Hey, June, when you're done eating, could you sunscreen-up Ella?" my dad asked as he applied it on his hairy legs. I nodded, and snarfed down the rest of the bar.

I stepped into my parents' room, grabbing the sunscreen, and then went and hunted for Ella.

After finding her, and convincing her that the sunscreen wasn't poisonous, I lathered it down and up her arms, legs, and back, making sure to not miss a spot. I was one to get sunburned, and not tan, so I made sure I rigorously applied it, especially because of what happened last year. I forgot to lather my entire back, and then the sun decided to make sure I never forgot it, causing me to wear a thin shirt over it for the rest of the trip. I'm extra careful now.

Once we were all ready, we made our way to the beach.

Halfway down the boardwalk to access the beach, my cousin ran up to me.

"Cathy!" I exclaimed, breaking into a run myself.

"June! I'm so glad you're finally here!" she yelled about two yards away, and then we embraced. Cathy and I had a rough patch last summer, screaming and arguing while tears ran down my face, but we are good now. That's one thing I'm sure of in this unsure world.

She grabbed my hand and we ran down to the water, kicking our sandals off at her umbrella, and screaming at the feel of the scalding sand against our helpless feet.

The water was cool against our burning feet, and she let go of my hand as we were bent down in laughter. Shortly after we recovered, Ella came running toward us, nearly knocking into me when she arrived.

"Woo-hoo!" I cheered as I lifted Ella into the air. Ella laughed as Cathy sprayed water onto her and me.

I put Ella back down, and smiled widely.

This time, I knew it was real.