Facing Myself

I had my head pressed against the car window, watching gray turn into green. The blurs of the buildings turning into trees, as my anxiety spiked. The house sat alone, practically in the middle of a forest. I’ve neglected it for ten years, and if it weren’t for Sarah pushing me, it would’ve withered away back into nature.

“We’re almost there,” she breaks the silence.

“I appreciate you going with me, if it wasn’t for your fixer-upper addiction, I probably would’ve stayed struggling,” I said.

And it’s true, if Sarah hadn’t bugged me about how much money I could be making off this place, I would’ve spent way more nights on peoples’ couches.

“I’m only being the kind of friend that you’ve been to me all these years,” she smiled.

“We’re here”.

There was something about this place that never let it feel like a home to me. I don’t know if it’s the dark woods that I fear, if it's the cracks in the ceilings that would leak any time there was a storm, or even the fact it contains the last of my memories of my parents.

I stood outside on the dark soil, surrounded by the towering trees. It’s so easy to make a wrong turn. If I didn’t grow up here, I would have been another body nobody would bother looking for.

“What are you waiting for? This was your home, wasn’t it?” Sarah huffs, while carrying two suitcases.

I say nothing to her, I turn the rusted-color key into the lock, nearly praying it wouldn’t work. Nearly praying that this place could just remain a hazy memory, one of the few ones I have left of my childhood. Though I don’t remember what happened, my scars are a permanent reminder of my parent’s version of love.

Then the door clicks, opening us into the dust infested wooden living room. The walls look more run down than I remember, were they always this gray? Were these floors always this creaky? Was it always this hard to breathe in here?

“AMANDA,”

I flinch and turn around.

“I called you four times, what is up with you?”

“I’m sorry, I guess the nostalgia is getting to me,” I look down at our bags.

“Listen, I know it’s hard but you need the money. Imagine how much more you could get once we fix this place up and sell it,”

“But is this really okay? I haven’t even kept it up once during all these years. What would my parents think?”

“Who cares what those assholes would’ve thought,” Sarah drops her bags and gives me a hug, I feel the cool sensation of tears running down my face. Unable to stop, I give into her comfort.

After I’ve had time to cool off, we get to work right away. She sweeps the floors, and I start dusting away all the cob webs. There are two bedrooms, but one of them is locked from the outside, and for some reason, I only have the house key.

I walk into my old bedroom, the silence in this room is deafening. There’s a small bare mattress in the corner of the bedroom, while there are different sizes of old raggedy clothing scattered across the floor. The thing that caught my eye while exploring the room was the closet full of boxes of my parents' things. I see a worn out black belt poking out of the box, suddenly it comes back to me. It was the same one my dad never wore around his waist, it was the same one that I used to hide from.

Before I could go through it, suddenly I felt a chill run down from the top of my head to down my back. I heard a large thump, so I quickly ran out into the living room.

“Are you okay?” I was still gasping.

“Yes, what are you talking about?” She looked at me confused.

“You didn’t hear that?”

“Stop trying to scare me, it’s not funny. Anyways, I checked and you were right, the electricity doesn’t work,”

I tried to brush off what happened earlier, and set up our sleeping bags in the living room. The sun seemed to be setting already. Time flows differently here. I managed to find a half working flashlight in the corner of the living room, near a couple of tools, including an axe. After what felt like a short while had passed, Sarah knocked out, probably from all the driving. While laying next to her, I had the lantern still on, I began to hear it.

Tick. Tick. Tick.

I gently place my feet on the ground, I bring the light with me to take a look at the large wooden clock on the wall, but nothing was moving. The hands stayed stuck at 4:15, despite it barely being midnight according to my phone. Still, I hear nothing but the ticking continuing.

I’m not alone. I can’t even manage to turn my head fully to the dark abyss I call a hallway. But I feel my blood run cold. There’s someone watching me. There’s something there. From the corner of my eye, I lock eyes with a face slowly peeking from behind the wall. It was luring me back into the bedroom.

Before I realized it, I lost grip of the lamp, it didn’t just break but shattered completely, scattering across the floor.

“WHAT WAS THAT?” Sarah jolted, I could barely make out her silhouette from the dim moonlight peeking in.

“There’s something here with us, I have to go see what it is. Don’t you hear the crying?” I whisper to her as the crying from the bedroom turns into loud sobbing.

“STOP IT! I don’t hear anything. You’ve been freaking me out since we got here,” she sobs.

I grabbed the axe from the corner of the living room, but its weight in my hands was familiar yet it strangely felt lighter than before. Sarah was calling me to come back, I ignored her, because I knew once she saw I was right, she’d thank me.

My footsteps dragged out more and more, until I heard screaming coming from the locked bedroom. I swung the axe at the door, the wood shattered as if it was made of glass, I was finally in the room.

In the darkness, I could make out the girl I saw, violently sobbing on the mattress in the room. The bedroom was covered in trash, more than anything, there were broken bottles. As soon as I pointed the dim flashlight I had towards her, she started screaming.

“IT'S YOUR FAULT. IT'S YOUR FAULT. IT'S YOUR FAULT,” over and over and over again.

I dropped the flashlight, causing it to start turning off and on. I covered my ears to any other noises in the room, and in desperation, calling out for my parents. Why aren’t they here? I want my mom, I want my dad, I JUST WANT THIS GIRL TO LEAVE ME ALONE.

I quickly started blindlessly swinging the axe, hearing the swooshing sounds before finally hearing the thunk. I grab the flashlight off the floor, its light dimly flashing on and off. I see the girl’s body, but after looking closer, it’s not the one that has been haunting me. I turn off the flashlight.

In the darkness, my hands suddenly went numb, I kept trying to inhale but nothing happened. How could this happen? I was suddenly gasping, the scream however, stayed stuck in my throat. I hit the flashlight with my hand and despite being able to steady my hands, I pointed it right in front of me.

I see Sarah’s lifeless body laying there, phone in hand. I saw the number 911 typed in, but not dialed, before I finally fell to my knees. What have I done? I then shine the light into my hands stained dark red. Then it suddenly comes back all in a flash. I remember now, the last time I was here, my childhood, my parents, their death, their murders. The blood has been on my hands all along. No matter how many years it’s been, no matter how much I tried escaping, it never left me.

The girl. It was me, it was always me.