Beautifully Broken

Trigger Warning *This story contains suicidal ideations, mentions of self-harm, mental health, and grief.*

1 year, 8 months, and 17 days.

I hovered my pen above my journal before setting it down and flipping through past pages.

1 year 8 months 16 days.

1 year 5 months 2 days.

1 year 1 month- you get the picture.

Taking a deep breath, I looked out the window. There wasn’t much to see; it was the middle of the night. It should have comforted me, but I didn’t need daylight to see the horrors. Quinn's leg somewhere out in the desert sands. The victims of Ivalo, wandering in the forest. The marble floor stained with Damien's blood.

I could feel my chest tightening. Stop it. They're just thoughts. Breath.

The corner of vision started going blurry. You don’t have time for this. Stop it.

I forced myself to look back into our cabin. Everyone was asleep. Quinn was curled up on Olly’s lap, her nub resting on a pile of jackets. Theo’s head resting on Nya’s shoulder. Samira, Cam, Ben, Ophelia, Sam, Nicholas, and Kai were all spread out.

“You okay?”

Nicholas was trying to free his arm from under Ophelia, who was using him as an impromptu pillow.

After a bit of wiggling, he freed himself and sat next to me, draping an arm over my shoulder, pulling me close. I leaned into him, letting myself relax.

”You didn’t answer me?” He mumbled.

I sighed.

”Not an answer, sunshine.” He nudged

“Why do you insist on asking me ridiculous questions?” I snapped.

”I just want to know how you're doing?”

”I pushed myself off him. “How do you think I’m doing. My home is tarnished, my friends are suffering, my family-my brother is-“

I took a shaky breath, desperately trying to control the stream of tears. I’d cried enough. Tears of anger, tears of frustration, tears of sadness, and regret. I was done crying, I was done feeling, I just wanted to be numb.

Nicholas pulled me in close, resting my head on his chest. He didn’t say anything, just holding me.

“You need to get some sleep,” he nudged me.

I didn’t want to sleep. Sleep brought one of two things. Nightmares I knew to be true and dreams I yearned were real. I wasn’t in the mood for more mental turmoil.

You’d be better off sleeping forever. No one to worry. No one to bother. No one to hurt.

I buried myself deeper into Nicholas’s chest, hoping to smother the voices in my head.

You’ll never wash away his blood. He was only there for you, and now he’s not here because of you. How many more people do you need to hurt before you understand.

I pushed myself off Nicholas’s chest.

“I’m going for a walk.” I stood up, not waiting for an answer.

“Want me to come?” he offered.

“No, I’ll be back.”

I slipped out the coach door and made my way to the back of the train. It wasn’t necessary, my friends and I were the only ones on the train. The council had ordered a shelter-in-place as well as a travel ban when Ivalo had committed the first of his attacks.

For safety.

The last train car wasn’t a car, really, more of a platform with railings. I leaned against the railings, taking in the quiet of the night, hoping some would enter my mind, cleansing my thoughts. We were passing through Ignis territory. The faint smells of cinnamon and incense from the offerings. The neighborhoods below mostly dark except for a few specs of light. Lanterns so lost ones could find their way home. Mother’s staying awake for their children. Husbands waiting for their wives. Children hoping their parents would come back.

Some would be lucky.

I sat on the railing, wrapping my feet to keep my balance, watching the tracks go by below. I unsheathed my knife, gripping it softly. The blade shimmered under the moonlight. It wasn’t my knife, really. It’s Damien ’s-was Damien’s. I’m not quite sure when, but somewhere between my grief and realization of my own mortality, I’d developed a habit, so to speak.

I would take the knife and rest the point on my palm. I never pushed, never sliced, just rested. Something about it comforted me. Knowing I had a way to make the voices stop made them tolerable- ignorable even.

Instead of being with my friends inside the warm cabin, I stayed out in the last car, welcoming the cool night air, thankful to feel something-anything other than whatever I had been feeling. I stayed like that for hours watching the stars fade, and the moon give way to the sun, thankful I had survived the night.

“Hey, driver says we should-”

I looked to my left and found myself face-to-face with Nicholas. His face a mixture of confusion and disbelief. Startled, I dropped my knife, but he grabbed it before it hit the ground. I hopped off the railing, expecting him to give it back.

He didn’t.

“May I have my knife back?” I held out my hand.

He pulled it closer. “Why were you holding it like that?”

I feigned ignorance, “Like what?”

“Like you were-” he stopped, almost afraid to say the next part out loud.

“Nicholas, don’t be ridiculous, we’ve all had a rough what two years. You said yourself we all need good, uninterrupted sleep.”

“You weren’t sleeping.” His eyes were fixed on the horizon.

“I would like my knife back.” I was done asking.

“You use a sword, not a knife.”

“A fool would try to cut his bread with a spoon.”

“Cecelia, why do you want the knife?”

“Because it’s mine, I don’t take your possessions!”

“Well, I would hope if you ever caught me in this position, you would.”

“What position, Nicholas. Having a knife is not a crime."

"Then why won't you tell me why you were holding it that way?"

" What do you want to hear that the knife is the only way I get peace of mind? That some nights I don’t trust myself not to stab myself through.”

Nicholas's head snapped towards me. His eyes filled with tears, threatening to spill over. He placed the knife on the car floor and turned to go back inside.

“I won’t tell you what to do, you won’t listen anyway. You need help, Cecelia, help I can’t give you. Help, I hope you accept when it’s offered. But I can’t do this.”

“So you're just going to leave, that's it.”

“I’m not leaving, but I can’t stand to close. I’d rather you run to me than collapse in my arms.”

“You're no better than the council.” I spat. I regretted it the second I said it. His shoulders sank.

He didn’t move. I thought he had more to say- I hoped he had more to say. But he walked through the door without so much as a glance back.

The sun had risen. Bringing the new hope of a day.

By the time I had collected myself enough to go back inside, the others were gone. A good thing, really. I deserved to be alone. It didn’t make it hurt any less.

I had two choices: stay on the train and ride to the council, or face Nicholas and attempt to make amends.

I climbed off the train.

Before we boarded, we had agreed we would go back to my manor for a few days of solace before officially letting the council know of our arrival. True, we had made these arrangements, bloodied, bruised, and sleep-deprived, my friends kept to their word.

They were gathered on the front steps waiting for me to let them, all but Nicholas. He was standing in the garden. I tossed Ophelia my key.

“ First aid’s in the foyer, help yourself to whatever you can find in the pantry.”

I crossed the garden over to Nicholas and sat on the stone bench next to him.

“We need to talk.”

He was looking at the dragonias. “Not in the mood.”

“I need to talk to you before I go.”

He glanced over his shoulder. “Go where?”

“A quick errand," I waved my hand, "I’ll be back before evening.”

He sat next to me.

I took his hand. “I’ve been lying to you.”

“About?”

“Honestly, a lot, but importantly, how I’ve been doing. Ever since Damien-”

“Damien was a tragedy,” he squeezed my hands

“No," I swallowed hard, feeling my throat tighten. "Damien was an accident.

“What do you mean?” He looked at my face, searching for something he might have missed.

I took a shaky breath. “Ivalo got into my head, and by the time I realized Damien was there, I couldn’t do anything. I’ve been carrying that guilt and grief, trying to fix it to get rid of it, but I don’t know. I’ve never needed to before." I was rambling, now desperate to get it all out before Nicholas stopped me or I stopped myself. "You were right, I do need help. It's going to be a long journey, and full honesty, I don’t want you there for it. Not because I don’t want you, but you shouldn’t see me like that.”

We sat there for a moment. Me waiting for Nicholas and Nicholas, I suppose waiting for his thoughts to process.

“Go,” he said finally

“What?” After all that, he wanted me to leave

“No, no- I mean, go whenever you need to go. This is not a quick conversation; we’ll finish talking when you get back.”

I watched him walk inside. Last time he was here, Damien was still alive. It was summer's eve, and we were having a small firefest. He told me he loved me. I was happy. I wondered if he remembered.

I rifled around in my pouch. I was positive I still had a little translationem powder. At the bottom, I found a small pouch with half a handful of sparkling green powder. I poured as much as I could into my hand.

Grand Council Hall

Tossing the powder at my feet, I said the spell just before it hit the ground, “Vectura!”

I was enveloped in a swirling cloud of thick sparkling smoke. Once it cleared, I was standing in front of the grand council.

“What is this?” Edith shouted as the cloud dissipated.

Ignoring formalities, I addressed the council, “I’m here to inform the council of my (team) arrival back into Pax territory. We arrived shortly after daybreak. Wounded but all accounted for.”

“There are customs you must follow.” Edith scowled, ignoring my report.

“I assumed, given the current state, customs would be overlooked.” I shrugged

“What is the status on the dark force?” Bylthe sat forward.

“Unaccounted for now, not that here wasn’t carnage. One confirmed dead. I’ll need to gather a legion of volunteers to search the dark forest for others.”

She nodded, sitting back in her throne.

‘Well, I suppose one death is acceptable,’ Edith spoke as she sat back on her throne, truly satisfied with herself.

Her calloness broke something in me. Here, our leaders sat comfortably while their people suffered, indifferent to their pain. Perhaps it was a good thing I was here alone. I closed the gap between Edith and me

"Damien’s death-no one's death is acceptable ever, especially when it could’ve been prevented."

"Are you implying this was our fault?”

"Not in the slightest, "I smiled smugly. “I know this was your fault. On several occasions, you were not only warned but offered solutions should things get this out of hand. You deflected, you lied, and because of that, you failed your people, the very ones who entrusted in you. You don’t deserve to sit on that throne any more than Ivalo deserved to be banished to the Dark Forrest.”

“You will not speak his name in our presence.”

“ Your pride and ego have led to bloodshed in the streets. Your souls are blacker than a starless sky." Anger burned in my chest, growing the more I spoke. "I hope this council crumbles and the Everalm burns to ash before the falling stars, so no gentle souls suffer from such incompetence. You have turned my sanctuary into ruins. I have no home because of you!"

“INSOLENCE!” she shouted, standing.

Regaining her composure, she lowered her voice, "I’d choose my next words very carefully, young lady."

Unsheathing my sword, I held the tip at her neck, my expression unmoving, "Abdicate or perish."