Law & Order a Pizza

9-1-1, what’s your emergency?

Hi, I’d like to order a pizza.

Excuse me, ma’am? Did you say a pizza?

Yes.

You do realize who you’re calling, right? 

Yes, I know exactly who I’m calling. I’d like to order one large pizza with—  

If this is a prank call, ma’am, I am not amused. But if it’s not, I’m more than happy to transfer you to Papa John’s or Domino’s. 

No, no, don’t transfer the call.

Is there an emergency, then? If not, I’m going to hang up. You are wasting precious time I could be using to save lives. A woman at your age should have no problem ordering a pizza on their own.

Don’t hang up, just... whatever you do, don’t hang up! Please, listen. I... I’m really, really hungry, and I think I’m gonna starve to death if a pizza doesn’t get here soon.

Oh. Oh, I think I’m getting you now. Just stay on the line, ma’am. Help will shortly be on its way.

Send your fastest deliveryman, please.

Of course. We’ve traced the call to your apartment complex. What floor and what number?

Fifth floor, number forty-six.

That’s quite high up. We’re contacting the fire department too, just in case. Hang on a sec; just getting someone to pull the channel.

Sure.

Okay, ma’am, now you have my undivided attention. Help is on its way, so please stay on the call until we get there. Are you alone right now?

A large pizza with mushrooms and cheesy crust, please. I’m sharing it with my boyfriend.

Your boyfriend? Is he the reason you’re calling?

No pepperoni, no. I’m sick of sausages.

Mhm. And he’s listening to you order pizza as we speak, is that right?

Yes, that’s right.

Okay. Has he injured you?

Are black-eyed peas a topping?

I see. Are you bleeding?

Extra sauce, please.

Right. And where are you bleeding from?

Um… corn. Do you have any corn?

Corn? Ma’am, what do you… oh, an ear of corn. Okay, that’s not too bad. Are you in immediate danger now? Is he still trying to hurt you as we speak?

He’ll… he’ll be very hungry if the pizza doesn’t come soon. 

Okay. Understood. Is there any way you can... hello? Hello?

What was that, babe? Oh, okay. Sorry, babe. I’ll tell her. Hello?

Ma’am, please don’t hesitate to put the phone down if you believe this conversation will endanger you. Is it safe to speak now?

Yes. My boyfriend doesn’t want black-eyed peas on his pizza. Or corn.

Listen, ma’am, where exactly are you in your apartment right now?

We’ll probably be eating in the living room.

Is it possible to get away from him? Can you leave the building?

Oh, you know, we’ve just been in that stay-indoors, lay-in-bed-all-day mood lately.

He’s holding you captive, is that what this is?

Don’t worry, he’s a really sweet guy. I can hardly hang with the girls these days because he spends all his time with me, haha.

Okay. Is it possible to leave the living room? Can you get someplace safe, maybe the bathroom?

No, you don’t have to cut the pizza. My boyfriend always does it himself.

What, cut the pizza? Oh, I see. He has a knife, or some other sharp object, am I right? Is that what he used on your ear?

Don't worry, he's had a lot of practice.

And you think he’ll use it again if you try to leave the living room?

Yeah, just ring the doorbell. I won’t be going anywhere.

Okay. Does he let you go to the bathroom? Can you try to excuse yourself for a bathroom break?

I... I don’t know. I guess I could try.

Calm down, ma’am. Think this through. Whatever you do, don’t let him find out that you... hello?

What did you say, babe? Oh, sorry. Don’t worry, I’m almost done, she’s just going through our order. Okay, okay, I will. Hello?

Yes, hello?

We’d also like one large diet coke, please. I think that should be everything. We’re paying with cash.

Ma’am, you can put the phone down if you think it will make things easier, but try get to the bathroom and lock yourself in. That will reduce the likelihood of a hostage situation when we arrive, which should be within the next seven minutes. Is that all clear? Ma’am? Hello?

...just five minutes, babe. I just need the bathroom for five minutes, please. No, babe, I promise I won’t do that. We’ve been in here for a week and I’ve never done that before, have I? Hm? I just wanna play Pocket Camp while I’m on the toilet, is that so bad? No, no one’s on the phone. I just finished ordering, why would they still be there? Hey, babe, what are you… No, don’t, babe, please don’t. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I… no, please, NO! STOP IT! STOP IT! HELP! BABE, PLEASE! Fuck, oh, fuck… fuck… shit… oh my god… oh my fucking god, I can’t believe I made it… oh my god...

Hello? Ma’am? Is everything alright?

No… I mean, I don’t know. Oh, god, it hurts. I made it to the bathroom, just like you said, and I locked myself in. But he cut me in the... in the stomach, it’s bleeding and it hurts so much.

I warned you not to take the phone with you, ma’am.

No, I had to. I just… I can’t do this alone. God, I’ve been so lonely. I need to hear from someone that isn’t him or I’ll go crazy.

Okay. Stay strong, ma’am. Help is on its way. First, are you sure you’re safe?

I think so.

What’s that sound?

He’s banging on the door and yelling my name. I... I think it'll hold, but could you please hurry up?

Okay. If you’re sure you’re safe for the time being, you need to treat your wounds as soon as possible. Is there a first aid kit in the bathroom?

I think… yes, there is. There’s… um… iodine, and some bandages.

It’s better than nothing. Now I need you to tell me if there is any way to exit the building from where you are, without using the door.

Ouch!

Ma'am? Is everything alright?

Yeah, it’s the iodine. It stings. Ow. Okay, I think I’m done. It hurts a lot, but I don’t think it’s too serious.

That’s very good to hear. Have you found an escape route?

Yeah, the window, but he nailed boards over it.

Can you find a way to take off the boards?

He keeps a crowbar under the sink. I… I’ll try my best.

Stay strong, ma’am. The fire department will be here soon to rescue you, while the police will take care of your boyfriend. How are the boards coming along?

Just one more… fuck… okay, okay, that’s got it!

Can you get the window to open now?

Yes, I can, but there’s no way down.

Don’t worry about that. Ma’am, can you describe for me what the window looks like from the outside, so that the firefighters know where to deploy the inflatable cushion?

Oh, there’s the truck! I see them! It’s… uh… tell them it’s a window overlooking a blue recycling bin.

Perfect, just hang on a sec.

Babe, what the hell are you doing?!

Okay. Now, you should be able to see them inflating the… what’s that noise, ma’am?

He keeps a hatchet under the bed, for emergencies. Shit. Shit, he’s trying to break in!

Two officers are on their way up. When the cushion is done inflating, the firefighters will signal for you to jump. Can you see them now?

Yes, I see them, and they see me, but please tell them to hurry up!

They're going as fast as they can. Keep that crowbar close. Whatever happens, ma’am, stay strong. Can you do that for me?

Okay.

Thank you. Now… ma’am, what was that sound?

BABE, I BEG YOU, PLEASE STOP!

There, that’s the signal! Ma’am, you have to jump!

Shit, shit, SHIT!

Ma’am? Hello? Hello? Is everything alright?

Hi. Yes, sorry, I dropped the phone when I landed, they were waving at me, so I jumped, yes, I’m fine, I can’t believe it, I only got a scratch, thank god, thank fucking god.

Oh, that is such a relief to hear. Did your boyfriend manage to hurt you again?

No. I’m watching him get put into the police car.

Good. Ma’am, thank you for being cooperative and listening to my instructions.

No, it’s you I should be thanking. For getting here on time.

Well, you did say to send the fastest deliveryman. Enjoy your pizza, ma’am.