The Guy Who Failed to Untie the Gordian Knot Right Before Alexander the Great Sliced it Open

In the kingdom of Phrygia, there was a prophecy: the next person to arrive in town on an ox-cart shall be crowned king. That person was a poor farmer with impeccable timing. His name was Gordius and they declared him king. In response, Gordius said, “Holy shit, what a fucking day!”

A minute later, another peasant on an ox-cart arrived, heard the news, and said, “You gotta be kidding me, I was one away. Nothing good ever happens to me.”

Grateful for his sudden rise to power, Gordius created a new prophecy to keep the vibes going. He tied his ox-cart to a wooden post in the citadel with a roped knot. But this was no ordinary knot. This knot had no ends to pull from. It was one continuous, impossibly intricate, never-ending tangle.

Gordius declared, “Whoever unties this knot shall become king, not only of Phrygia, but all of Asia, as I would like to one-up the previous prophecy so they don’t get stale.” He stomped his foot and gestured to the masterfully tied knot.

That’s when an advisor spoke up, “Maybe we should stop declaring kings based on random, trivial tasks.”

To that man, everyone replied, “Shut up, we like the prophecy thing.”

That knot became known as the Gordian knot and has remained tied for 400 years, that is, until the day Kevin arrived.

###

While everyone else was hunting, plowing fields and making sure our town didn’t starve to death, I turned my attention to greater things. Untying knots. I’m not talking about little baby knots like a tied shoelace—anyone can untie those. I’m talking big, complicated, weaving knots that make you stare in awe and say, “Wow, that’s a complicated knot! How did that even happen?”—well, not me, I wouldn’t say that—but people without decades of experience untying knots would say that. That’s where I come in. I untie those knots.

I’ve spent practically my entire life on a bench in the market square, where townspeople would come to me with their greatest string or rope-related challenges. A reef knot in a belt? A clove hitch fastened to a post? Not an issue. Overhand knot? Binding knot? Sheepshank shortening knot? Easy work. A knot you made up by looping rope around in random directions? I could untie that too, I’m not afraid. I’d perform my signature move—digging my fingers into the crevices and pulling the knot free. There was no one better at it than I, and there’s never been a knot I couldn’t untie.

I wasn’t untying these knots for fun. It was for training. I’ve been putting in the work to one day take down the king of all knots: the Gordian knot. The Goliath of knots that has defeated even the greatest knot-untiers of all time—many of them my idols and legends in the knot-untying community. They all walked away from the knot in tears. I quickly saw what their problem was. They relied on talent alone.

It’s the years and years of non-stop practice that would make me succeed. That’s why I worked my ass off, untying knot after knot, pushing through the pain of not only cramped hands, but irritated finger tips and hangnails.

At sunset, I finished a dusty reef knot and handed it to a town elder named Dymas.

“This was a tough one, Dymas, but keep ‘em coming! If I’m gonna beat that knot, I need all the practice I can get!” Dymas was the only one giving me knots that were even close to a challenge.

“I’m afraid I can’t bring you any more knots, Kevin,” said Dymas.

“What? Why?”

“I can’t encourage you to take on the Gordian knot any longer… It was a fun tale when you were younger, but you’re in your mid-thirties now. You’re going to be middle-aged soon, and what will you have to offer? Untying knots? Sure, that’s useful for a few minutes, but this town is in need of way more valuable skills.”

“There’s no skill more valuable than untying knots when there’s a prophecy like that around!”

“But no one can untie that knot, Kevin. It’s impossible. Thousands and thousands of men have wasted their entire lives trying to untie it and everyone has failed. Look what happened to Tantalos of Ancyra.”

Tantalos was the greatest knot untier the world has ever seen. Some say he was born with his umbilical cord tied around his neck and the midwife couldn’t unravel it, so Tantalos took matters into his own hands and untied it himself. He was also a trailblazer who paved the way for knot-untying to become what it is today. I was a huge fan and had a drawing of him on my wall growing up.

Everyone was certain Tantalos would be the one to untie the Gordian knot, but just like everyone else, he failed. He had a mental breakdown, became a recluse and then walked into the desert, never to be heard from again. I liked to imagine that he’s off in a faraway town, smiling, still untying knots, but I doubted that was the case.

Dymas shook his head, realizing there’s no way to sway me off my path, paid me a silver coin for the knot, and left. He didn’t believe in me and that’s okay. He’ll see. Everyone who doubted me will see. Once I stroll back into town on a chariot with a crown on my head, everyone’s gonna be like, “You know what Kevin—I mean King Kevin, so sorry—I was wrong about the whole knot thing. It was worth your time.”As king, I will be merciful and not chop their heads off as that is the kind of king I would like to be.

I played with the silver coin in my hand and smiled. It was the last coin I needed to make the trip to Gordium. I only had enough money for a one-way trip. But that should be enough. The chariot will take me back.

###

I made sure to arrive in Gordium on an ox-cart just in case they were re-doing the ox-cart prophecy and would make me king on the spot, but it was just the one time.

“What business brings you here?” said the guard.

“I’m here for the knot,” I said with confidence.

The guard bowed his head and instructed that the gate be opened. I walked inside and found a city bustling with people moving about with urgency. Merchants were shouting out their goods and prices, while craftsmen were working on their trades. There were potters, leather workers, metalworkers, weavers, builders and textile workers. All extremely talented.

It was sad. They should’ve been spending their time untying knots, but oh well.

I pushed forward to the citadel, which had an extremely long line out the front. The people in line were practicing string knots while waiting.

One by one, peasants and lords alike walked out defeated. I got closer to the knot. And closer…

Eventually, it was my turn. The feeling was surreal. I’ve spent my entire life dreaming about this moment and now it was finally here. But excitement quickly turned to dread.

I stepped forward and glanced at the behemoth that lay before me.

What the hell is this monstrosity?! This doesn’t feel like a knot at all!

It was more like a spiderweb. I saw that it was attached to the post, but it was impossible to see how. Rope was coiling every which way, doubling back, disappearing, re-appearing like a magic trick and then vanishing again. Some rope didn’t have any purpose at all. There was decoy rope in this thing. I had no idea where to even start.

I instinctively relied on my signature move—shoving my fingers into crevices—, but there weren’t any crevices. I need a crevice! I can’t untie a knot without a crevice!

I began to panic. Sweat dripped down my face. My hands were becoming wet. My heart was racing.

Around the perimeter of the citadel, people started murmuring their doubts, anxious for the next person to begin.

“Silence, please! I’m concentrating!” I yelled.

Calm down, Kevin! Calm down! Focus! Breathe! I just need silence. I just need space to focus. If I have a distractionless space I’ll be able to figure this out—

That’s when Alexander the Great and 50 of his soldiers entered the citadel. Alexander cut the line and stood right behind me.

“Come on, already!” shouted Alexander. I felt his breath on the back of my neck; that’s how close he was to me.

“In a minute!” I replied.

I focused back on the knot. I didn’t know what to do, so I began pulling on random ropes like an amateur. Like it was my first day of knot-untying. It was embarrassing.

“Let’s go, let’s go!” said Alexander. “You’re not even doing anything!”

“I’m studying it!”

But at every angle, I was equally baffled. I was stunned. The unfortunate reality sank in. There was simply no way I was untying this knot. I wasn’t good enough. I failed. Was Dymas right? Did I waste my entire life on a dream that was unattainable?

Then an idea hit me like a bolt of lightning from Zeus himself. A burst of inspiration that I’ve never felt before. I suddenly knew what to do.

I can take out my knife and slice the knot open… That would untie the knot! I don’t see a list of rules around. And then I can be like, “Let this be a lesson in facing impossible tasks… sometimes you just gotta take a step back and simply slice the thing open.”

Then I sighed.

No… there’s no way that would count. It defeats the whole purpose of the challenge. I bet everyone would yell at me, “Wow, you just ruined the knot for everybody! We can’t get another one, you idiot! You think we have a whole bunch of Gordian knots in the back? No! We only have the one! Everyone give this asshole a round of applause, he just destroyed a once-in-a-millennium prophecy!”

Tears streamed down my face. My whole life has been for nothing.

“C’mon, c’mon, c’mon…” said Alexander.

I walked to the side in shame.

“You think you can do better?” I asked. “Have you even trained for this?”

“Things have a way of working out for me,” said Alexander the Great.

I watched as Alexander studied the knot.

No chance he’s untying this. I’ve been untying knots my entire life, whereas Alexander’s been distracted by conquering Greece, mastering military tactics, winning battles in Persia and having tons and tons of sex with whoever he wants. Poor guy doesn’t stand a chance.

That’s when Alexander reached for his belt. My heart froze. In one big steely blur, Alexander whipped out his sword and slashed through the knot. I gasped as dead rope fell to the ground.

“He just ruined the knot for everybody!” I screamed.

“Genius! Genius!” a man with long grey hair yelled.

“Oh my God, he has done it!” shouted another. “Alexander the Great has untied the Gordian knot!”

“Woah, woah, woah,” I said. “You can’t just slice it open! It’s against the rules!”

“What rules?” said Alexander.

“The unwritten prophecy rules that everyone just knows, because they’re so obvious!”

He ignored me and addressed the crowd that was growing rapidly.

“People of Phyrgia,” began Alexander in a royal voice, “let this be a lesson in facing seemingly impossible tasks, sometimes you just gotta take a step back and simply slice the thing open.”

“That’s what I was gonna say!” I cried out, but no one listened.

Everyone cheered.

“That is so smart!” said some asshole on the side. “That is such a great lesson!”

A round of applause.

“A brilliant display of thinking outside the box!” shouted the grey-haired man. “400 years and not one person thought of a move like that.”

Alexander showed his palms in modesty.

“I thought of it, but I didn’t think it would count!” Tears streamed down my face even faster now.

“Didn’t think it would count?” asked the grey-haired man.

“Yes! I thought I would ruin the prophecy for everybody, so I was being polite and left it as it was.”

“You thought you would ruin the knot by untying it?” the man laughed. “That was the whole point of the knot! And besides, you couldn’t ruin the prophecy; we have spare Gordians in the back.”

My worst nightmare unfolded before me. I could have untied it. I would have untied it. If I just had the courage.

“I feel like you’re just saying that you thought of the slashing idea after the fact,” said Alexander.

“No, I swear!” I sobbed in my hands like a child.

“Looks like we have a sore Gordian over here,” said the grey-haired man. Everyone laughed. “But forget him, we have a new king to crown!” He pulled out a crown from seemingly nowhere. “And don’t forget Alexander, you’re not only king of Phyrgia now, but also all of Asia. It must be so amazing to be in your shoes right now.”

“Fantastic, I’ve always wanted all of Asia,” said Alexander, accepting the crown. “And I would just like to say, that was one hell of a knot that Gordius tied. One hell of a knot. He put up a great fight.”

“Oh shut the fuck up, Alexander,” I whispered under my breath so he wouldn’t hear me and decapitate me. He wouldn’t be as merciful as I would.

“King of Asia! King of Asia! King of Asia!” everyone chanted.

“I can’t stress this enough,” the grey-haired man said. “This man is just so, so, SO brilliant for thinking of an idea like that.”

###

I sulked my way out of Gordium with no idea of what to do with the rest of my life. The Gordian knot was all I knew.

At first, I thought the lesson was that sometimes impossible tasks require ignoring artificial constraints. But that wasn’t the true lesson. The real lesson was that all the training and talent in the world doesn’t mean anything if you lack the courage to step up when it matters most. I knew the answer to the knot, but succumbed to fear. I was afraid of appearing a fool, and now there is no one more foolish than I.

“Do you know of any other prophecies where you can do a trivial task and become king of something?” I asked the guard.

“No, this is just the one.”

Fuck.

I strolled into the desert, never to be heard from again.