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Weekly Contest #350
Today’s the big day and I couldn’t be more excited—the due date for the nine commandments. I’m heading up to Mount Sinai to get them, and boy, do we need them. We have a temporary settlement to take a break from all the desert wandering—one can only wander for so long—and things are out of control, man, out of fucking control. It’s a free-for-all right now! And I’m like, “Guys, we shouldn’t murder each other!” and everyone’s like, “Where does it say that? Where does it say we shouldn’t murder whoever we want, whenever we want?” and honestly...
In the kingdom of Phrygia, there was a prophecy: the next person to arrive in town on an ox-cart shall be crowned king. That person was a poor farmer with impeccable timing. His name was Gordius and they declared him king. In response, Gordius said, “Holy shit, what a fucking day!”A minute later, another peasant on an ox-cart arrived, heard the news, and said, “You gotta be kidding me, I was one away. Nothing good ever happens to me.”Grateful for his sudden rise to power, Gordius created a new prophecy to keep the vibes going. He tied his ox...
Weekly Contest #347
Based on the true story of June McCarroll. It may be hard to imagine now, but there was a time before lines were painted on the roads. A time when you’d look out above your dashboard and see nothing but open gray. A time when you can drive wherever you please: left side of the road, right side, center, into another car's windshield, you name it. The choice was yours. You were the captain of your destiny, not a white-line-painter, castrating your freedom.But all of that changed when pro-white-liner June McCarroll stepped into my office. The ...
Weekly Contest #333
There are few things in life I consider so horrible that I wouldn’t wish them upon anybody else. One of them is the loss of a loved one. Another is a stubborn cold where you can’t breathe properly for a week and you realize how much of a luxury breathing is. A third, and perhaps worst of them all, is the arduous struggle of figuring out my family’s order at a high-end steakhouse.“We’re gonna need another minute,” my mom said to the waiter. The waiter politely nodded and left to tend other tables.“Now he’s never gonna come back!” shouted my d...
Weekly Contest #331
It all started last Thursday. I remember, because that was the day I found out about the serial killer on the news. I was sitting on my couch, watching the local head of police announce that there’s a serial killer in town, so be on high alert.“High alert?!” I shouted at the TV. “What good is that going to do? I’m a 66-year-old woman living alone. No amount of alertness is going to stop a murderer, I’m easy pickings!”That’s when I heard the clawing at the front door. My heart jumped inside my chest. I swear I could have died right then and t...
Shortlisted for Contest #329 ⭐️
A haunted house is only a haunted house if you can afford to live somewhere else. For the financially impaired, it’s just a house with an unusual feature. And this house’s unusual feature was the ghost of former canine movie star and Hollywood sensation Rin Tin Tin.Of course, I didn’t know this was Rin Tin Tin at first. I thought he was just your run-of-the-mill semi-transparent German Shepherd. There’s very few people on Earth that can take one look at this ghost-dog and say “I know that dog! That’s the dog from the 1920s who starred in tho...
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