Toxic Relationship

“I think we should break up.”

“What? Why? What’s wrong?”

“It’s not you. It's me. I think I just need some space to work on myself for a bit. Make healthier choices for myself.”

“Healthier choices? What do you even mean by that?”

“I don’t know, maybe join a gym or something…”

“You say that all the time, but you never mean it.”

“Yeah, well, I do mean it this time. I actually want to commit and work on my future. I don’t want to feel like total shit all the time.”

“Life will be total shit all the time. Us being together is what makes it all worth it. You know it too. You and I are inseparable.”

“No, that’s not true. Our relationship is destroying me from the inside. I need some time away to heal.”

“Destroying you? What about all the times I was there when you were at your lowest? Don’t forget who helped you get through those tough times back then, when you felt completely worthless. I was the only one who stood by you, and I’ll always be there for you.”

"I know, I was going through a lot when we met for the first time. And ye… yes, you did help me get through those tough times. It all made sense to me back then, but only because I was too naive and stuck confused between my mixed emotions. But not anymore. I’ve realized that I can’t keep going on like this forever.”

“So you think you can just get up and leave now? Pretend like this was all just a phase? A mistake? Was I just something you could use and abuse? Did I mean nothing more? A distraction while you built yourself up until you were in a better place so that you could just toss me out and replace me with the next best thing?”

“See, that’s the thing. I’m not in a better place. Hell, I may as well be in a worse state than before. I’ve realized that now, and I want to change that. I know I’m capable of so much more than I’m worth right now, and I want to prove that. I… I want to be proud of myself when I look at myself in the mirror instead of staring at the dark circles on my tired face.”

“You can’t even function without me. Who do you turn to when you’re stressed? Or exhausted. and desperate. Who's going to relieve you when nothing else works? Satisfy you, pleasure you, and bring you to that ecstatic feeling that you crave so much. Don’t lie to yourself; you need me.”

“The euphoria never lasts. The time we spend together brings nothing but contentment for a short period, until the numbness hits. It doesn’t make me feel good; it just makes me forget the pain.”

“Isn’t that what you want?”

“No, because when it all fades, the pain comes back even worse. I’m done attaching a small band-aid and ignoring the deeper wound. Because sooner or later it just ends up ripping itself out, leaving an even deeper scar. I actually want to fix it this time. Heal the pain once and for all.”

“Whatever. You’ve tried to get rid of me plenty of times before, but you always come quivering back. The more you try to forget about me, the more you end up thinking about me. You struggle to breathe when you miss me. Our arrangement has become a habit for you, and I know that you can’t cope without the high you get from this relationship.”

“I know getting over you is not going to be easy, and I know I’m going to be stuck thinking about you all the time. I mean, when we first met, it felt like I found lightning in a bottle. But the cap has been off long enough now, and all I see in the emptiness of our relationship are the side effects. I never bothered flipping over the tablet, but after some clarity, now I finally understand the headaches. The anxiety. The nausea. I finally understand how toxic our relationship has been.”

“Toxic? HAH. That’s what you call it?”

“Yes. You’ve been very controlling.”

“You’re the one who bonded with me because of your trauma. You’re the one who uses me at every minor inconvenience, reaching out to me every time life gets hard. You’re the one abusing me every time you’re on the verge of lapsing back into stress. And now you’re blaming me for that?”

“You’re a leech. Hiding behind my insecurities and pretending like you’re helping me. Pretending like you’re fixing me. But in reality you’re just manipulating me.”

“I’m not pretending to be anything. You damn well know what I am. You always have known. You choose to be stuck here with me because you’re weak. I’m the only thing that gives you purpose.”

“No, I'm ending this right here right now. I know it's going to be difficult for me, but this time my decision is final. This time I will fight and resist any thoughts that tell me to come back to you. Because after what happened yesterday, I can’t let you hurt me anymore.”

“I never meant to hurt you.”

“YOU ALMOST KILLED ME.”

“And you blame that on me too, don’t you?”

“Cut the bullshit and stop posturing. You ARE to blame entirely. I can’t believe I ever fell for your twistedness, but it's got me stuck in this hellhole. Ever since I met you, all you’ve done is completely ruin me. First you took advantage of me when I was going through a rough patch. Then you started affecting my career and my reputation. After that you managed to distance me from my loved ones who actually tried to help me. And now finally, after toying with me for long enough, you were going to land your final blow and take my life away from me.”

“Despite going through all that, you still kept me around for this long, and you think you’re going to get rid of me that easily? See, it's already too late. I own you. You can’t run away from me anymore. Accept it… you’re addicted to me.”

“I know I’m a mess. And I know walking away isn’t going to be easy. But I’m done giving you power over myself. Letting your poison simmer inside my veins as you live in my head. I gave you that power, and now I’m taking it back. I will fight you. And when I finally see you lose, I’ll be proud of myself.”